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Sunday, October 28, 2012

There's A First Time For Everything



Kids grow up too fast.

I'm probably not telling you anything you don't know, unless today you happen to be having one of those How long is it until this kid has to move out and get a job, again???  days. On those days, it seems like they're never going to grow up.

Last night, as we watched Maddie toddle around and turn into an adult right before our eyes, Gerry asked me, "If science came up with a way to stop the aging process for us, would you want to have more kids?"

My response, after I stopped laughing, was a resounding, "Hell. No." Which surprised me a little at first, to be that  sure I was finished having babies. But when he asked me why, the answer came pretty readily.
Something about nine months of physical discomfort, followed by brain-cracking, horrific pain, and also something about taking a breath between screams only to hear the doctor say, "I can't figure out where all this blood is coming from" while a 12,000-watt high beam illuminates your nether regions for an audience at a teaching hospital.
Still, an element of the certainty, the finality of it, makes me terribly sad. Maddie's already 18 months old - no more first smiles, no more first steps, no more first scrunchy face made at the first taste of the first bowl of that disgusting rice cereal gruel.

*sniff*

But whenever I start to get all gooshy and sentimental, I remember there are OTHER baby-related firsts I'll never have to deal with again, either.

Please don't misunderstand. I know I'm lucky to have experienced all these things. They're part of the miracle of motherhood and the joy of having children in my life and I'm grateful for every moment. But I can't deny that, among all those beautiful, touching, heartwarming moments, there are some  moments I don't feel a need to do again. Ever. Eeeevvver.

10 Baby Firsts
That I'm Pretty Glad I Won't Be Doing Again

  1. First projectile spit-up that requires everyone to get in the bathtub. Immediately. Fully clothed.
  2. First dried up, crunchy umbilical cord stump found floating around loose inside footie pajamas.
  3. First call to Poison Control.
  4. First time Poison Control operator laughs at you when you report, "My baby ate Butt Paste."
  5. First major outing without a diaper bag, and the resulting sock-and-electrical-tape MacGyvered diaper, applied while attempting not to touch any surfaces in a public restroom.
  6. First hoop earring unceremoniously removed in a sudden jerking motion by nursing infant.
  7. First diaper explosion that requires disassembling, laundering, and sanitizing an entire pack-n-play.
  8. First time noticing two huge wet spots on the front of your shirt - after you've already been out in public for several hours.
  9. First night of lost sleep due to baby crying for 7 hours straight, ending abruptly with the child falling asleep peacefully five minutes before your alarm goes off.
  10. First belated baby proofing - installing a cabinet latch on the changing table immediately after  finding your baby sitting happily in the middle of a baby powder eruption.

See? I feel less sniffly already. I guess I should change that title to 10 Baby Firsts That I'm Pretty Glad I PROBABLY Won't Be Doing Again, though. We still do have a baby around here, after all. It's not too late for her to eat some Butt Paste.

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This post was written in response to Stasha's Monday Listicle prompt on her marvelous blog, The Good Life - List of 10 Firsts.


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68 comments:

  1. aww I actually do miss most of those...well except for #2...the umbilical cord stump always creeps me out.

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    1. Babies are remarkable - they make us miss almost everything... eventually. ;)

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  2. You win. You had me laughing out loud again. I especially related to the umbilical stump and Poison Control. Those darn umbilical stumps get you every time. :) Ellen

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    1. Don't they? You wait and wait and wait for it to fall off, but then when it does - ewwww. Glad you could relate. :)

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  3. You had me grossed out at the projectile vomiting and the dried up, curly umbilical cord. Yuck!

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    1. Yeah, nobody really warns you about how gross kids are. Well, they do, but some people don't believe it and have kids anyway.

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  4. OMG, awesome list! This is hilarious! I barfed at the dried up crunchy umbilical cord and then almost choked on my water from laughing over the wet spots on your shirt. Thanks! Hilarious!!!

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    1. How many things besides babies can pull off being adorable, disgusting, AND embarrassing? Not many. It's a gift.

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  5. Most of these are pretty fresh in my mind, since I have a 2 year old and 10 week old. Thank God I haven't had to call Poison Control yet *cross fingers*

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    1. Ack, you're right in the thick of it! Congrats on not havin to call PC - now go hide the Butt Paste.

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  6. Ah, yes--projectile vomiting & poison control. Those were golden times!!

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    1. I know, I could sense you getting all misty an nostalgic from here! ;)

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  7. Poison control is a first that hasn't made my list and Lil Duck is four. Amazingly, I am very at peace with the miracle one I do have. I don't miss at all not adding to that first night of no sleep....those just pile up FOR YEARS!

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    1. That's true - I hear the sleepless nights go on pretty much forever for various reasons. :P

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  8. I am with you...I love my kids but I am done with having more of them.

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    1. Yup, I have plenty of the darling little miracles. :)

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  9. Do you know that I had to baby proof where I put my tampons. For some reason, my son loved playing with them and dumping an entire box into the sink and turning the tap on.
    We've had a butt paste incident too. Have you tried to wash that crap off of hardwood floor? No bueno.
    Ps. I love you and needed this laugh this morning xo

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    1. What is it with the butt paste? They should wise up and put vitamins in it, kids are gonna eat it anyway.

      I love you, too - glad you found a laugh here, I hope you get all the things you need today, and all the days.

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  10. I love your spin on the list. Eating butt paste is a new one on me, ha!!

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    1. I hear it's marvelous on toast - blech.

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  11. Ha! Kids and butt paste...I don't know how many tubes of that are in my house, but what I can tell you, is my toddler found a tube and wanted to put cream on. Fortunately for me, he just put it on his belly and nothing else, well, nothing else that I saw.

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    1. That's the trouble - NOBODY knows how many tubes of that stuff they have. They're tucked in the diaper bag and medicine cabinet an changing table an everywhere else. You lose track and before you know it there's one left unattended!

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    2. Honestly, when I need a tube - no where to be found, then when I dont they are EVERYWHERE! Sneaky butt paste!

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    3. "Sneaky Butt Paste" should be their slogan! Well, it should be somebody's slogan.

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  12. I. Could. NOT. Agree. MORE! UGH, SOOOOOOO not a baby person, though I love my kids to the end and back again, and if I accidentally got knocked up again I would love the ever lovin shit out of that baby, I have no desire to do it on purpose. The first two were on purpose. Well, the first one was more of a "Wow, that happened fast" and the second was an absolute, didn't learn my lesson the first time, only took one shot on purpose.

    BTW, the only thing worse than butt paste is trying to get A&D ointment out of carpet. Um, you CAN'T!

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    1. We should start a club. :) Okay, now I have to go throw out any A&D ointment we have in the house...

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  13. If I could forget about these things, I MAY consider having another one, but, #4 made everything a 10 on the scale from 1 to 10 and I thank her for that. It's like she knew I was done before I did. She's been a trooper. "Here Mom, let me make absolutely sure you never want to do this again." Thanks, baby. You're so wise.

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    1. "Thanks, baby. You're so wise." Bwhahahaha! My, they are clever little devils, aren't they?

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    2. At 2 and 4 they are already much smarter than me. I pretty much walk around waving a white flag all day.

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  14. I managed to make it all the way to my 3rd child before calling Poison Control. Did you know nail polish is nontoxic? News to me.

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    1. Really? I would have guessed that. Not until kid #3, eh? Impressive!

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  15. Oh my God, the umbilical cord one is HILARIOUS! Because so totally true! Great list!

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    1. Thank you! There's nothing like finding a baby scrap in their jammies, and being forced to face that weird guilt you feel over not having a sentimental attachment to an actual pice of your baby. Shouldn't I want to keep this? And yet, not only am I going to throw this away, but I find it so gross that I'm reluctant to even touch it without gloves on.

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  16. I am probably going to jinx myself, but I have not experienced projectile vomiting yet- she is 16 months now! Hopefully I get lucky =)

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    1. GOOD LUCK! I'd say you might be in the clear, but I don't want to jinx it either!

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  17. Ha, my kid is fourteen now so this list is like nostalgia to me, viewed through rose colored lenses with the blurred edges of a dream sequence cos i'll be damned if i'm not bonkers enough to wanna do it again! thanks robyn, thanks a lot, all future vacations or grown up time or anything involving extra money or time or sanity that i miss out on i place firmly upon your head, with your adorable baby and your ridiculous lists ;)

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    1. My kids will have to be a lot older than 14 before I start rergarding anything on this list with any kind of fond remembrance. ;)

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  18. Ewwww! The umbilical cord--blech! Hahaha you made me simultaneously laugh and gag.

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  19. 'Butt Paste' made me laugh... We use 'Bum Bum Balm', but he hasn't eaten any yet! LOL

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    1. I like the sound of Bum Bum Balm - I'll have to look for that. Then I'll let you know which my kids thought was tastier. ;)

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  20. There was a lot of blood.

    I still think we owe it to the world (should they find a cure for aging) to have more kids. We could c-section the rest of them.

    First order of business though: get all rich and junk.

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    1. Yes, rich an junk. Also, in the future I'm assuming a c-section is something that happens to the father?

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  21. You had me laughing out loud.

    If we have any more, someone is getting sued. That's how adamant I am about this particular chaos threshold I'm struggling to maintain. But it's true. I see a baby in church, and I'm mush. Curses!

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    1. If only they weren't so cuddly and soft and snuggly and baby-shampoo smelling... OH GREAT, now I want another one!!!

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  22. I love these!! I've never had to deal with Poison Control, but I have my own lovely baby firsts. My first son was a really early preemie (24 weeks), so most of the awful firsts were with him. When he came home from the NICU, he had horrific reflux and would projectile vomit all over us at least twice a day. Fortunately we had a removable cover on our sofa, which was washed several times a week.

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    1. I remember being horrified the first few times my first one projectile vomited, just because it seeme so unnatural. I mean, that only happens to people who're seriously, seriously sick, or are possessed by satan. Or so I thought. Sometimes it's for miniature people with reflux, too. :/

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  23. Those people at Poison Control are cut-ups. They're always laughing about babies eating butt paste or telling you that you have to stop calling them asking if they have any poisonous snakes there or they'll be forced to call the police.

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    1. They're almost as high-larious as those crazy folk at 911. Whew, talk about people who love to joke around on the phone!

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  24. Great list! You have me giggling... maybe because I am that sleep deprived mom with a 4 month old! My husband is getting fixed in a few weeks, the Dr asked if he as sure, my husband laughed and offered to let the Dr watch our kids. LOL And my husband taped the stump into the boy's baby books. SO GROSS!

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    1. Never let the dad be in charge of the baby book! Don't even tell him where they are!

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  25. The umbilical stump. I waited and waited for that sucker to fall off and then all of a sudden it was gone! I looked everywhere and could not find it. Two days later I was wondering what the cat was playing with...

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    1. Ack, noooo! Accckkkkkk, ackkkk, hehhh, ack. Okay, sorry, I had to gag a little before I laughed. Ha! That's so gross!

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  26. So so true. Here are the firsts I don't miss:
    1. First contraction during labour (or the one after that or the one after that or the one after that).
    2. First time you realize you might not get a good night's sleep again. Ever.
    3. First time the dreaded bath poo occurs...Followed by a complete bath cleaning, and baby cleaning and mommy cleaning only to be followed by the SECOND dreaded bath poo.
    Milestones are awesome.

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    1. Absolutely agree 100%! As a matter of fact, the dreaded bath poo almost made the list, but I had to cut it off at ten :)

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  27. Ooo, I hate the poop blowout. The breastmilk poop that is all the way up the back and you stand there holding the baby at arm's length not knowing how in the hell you are going to change him without getting the poop all over his hair and arms and on you because after all you were just about to walk out the door and you don't have time to bathe him. Good times...good times.

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    1. That's why all onesies should be made breakaway style, so you can just rip them off instead of spreading everything north.

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  28. I will never, not ever, forget the feeling of poop shot out into the palm of my hand so hard that the memory is forever burned into my brian. I actually like the little baby stage and often say if I knew I could keep one a baby, I would have another, but I am pretty sure I am lying when I say that. I like my two (youngest turns 3 in 3 weeks!) and my hubby is snipped so yeah, done! I will enjoy grand kids in 20 years or so, hopefully!
    HI-larious post Robyn! Devan

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    1. Gah, now that's burned into MY brain, an it didn't even happen to me! We're looking forward to grandkids too, but with a 21yo who potentially could start a family within a few years, it'd be funny having a kid and a grandkid near the same age...

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  29. We haven't had to call poison control (yet, knock on wood) but this list is spot on!

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    1. Good for you! I only had to call once, an that was more than enough. :)

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  30. Spot on every single point!
    but especially the diaper blow outs. Even by #3, I could never be prepared enough for those disasters. there's never enough wipes. it doesn't matter how much you brought: There Won't Be Enough!

    I was fortunate enough to be at a teaching hospital too. Because 7 students have to learn what 2, 6, and 10 cms actually feels like, right? Wasn't expecting that to hurt as much. Pretty sure there's still a watch...maybe a bracelet?? in there.

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    1. I nicknamed one of them Meanie Man Hands. She wasn't allowed near me after the first time. ;)

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  32. Man, and this baby had an umbilical cord we thought would never fall off...LOL. Luckily, his belly button is super cute and that's the part I'll remember. As much as I whine, I know I'll end up doing this again ... :)I really miss sleep though. If anyone's seen my sleep, please inbox me.

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    1. I can tell you need that sleep my friend, since you commented as the husband again (I recognize the symptom - it's one I suffer from myself). :)

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  33. Oh man, you should work as a sex ed teacher. I think teens would think twice before getting it on...
    Love this list, I have ticked a few of those. I cannot believe you wore earrings my friend!

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    1. I'm trying my best to live the cautionary tale for the two older boys' benefit. And the earrings? Rookie mistake. :)

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