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Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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Starts with P and rhymes with horn (and other ways to get traffic)

Maybe you're already super cool; since you're reading my blog, I have to assume you probably are.
See what I did there? A compliment for both of us at the same time. Nice.
But for the purposes of this post, I'm going to reach out to those of you who might not be quite so popular - especially to those of you who have a blog, and especially  especially those of you who may be struggling in anonymity but are ready to be exalted by your peers relatively well-known.

Because I can relate.

Believe it or not, I was not always the Powerhouse of Awesomeness that I am today.

Ever since I became a blogger, people have been begging me to tell them how I've become so widely celebrated.* People frequently crowd around me, clamoring for attention, throwing underwear and requesting that I jot blogging tips onto exposed body parts with a Sharpie. So I've decided to pass along a few tidbits from my vast wealth of knowledge so that you, too, can get more fine folks to read your blog and start enjoying the numerous benefits of being famous and beloved. Just like me.


Get ready to take notes!


1. *NO THEY HAVEN'T. Not one single person has ever asked me how I became famous. Probably because I'm not famous. But instead of getting my feelings hurt (which isn't easy to avoid, I don't mind telling you)  I just pretend I am  popular (see first few paragraphs). That's the first step - in the immortal words of Journey, "Don't stop believin'." As long as you don't sing too many actual Journey lyrics out loud (THIS IS KEY), many people will simply believe that you really are cool. And that's exactly 87% of the battle.

2. You may or may not have noticed the subtle links peppered throughout this post so far. That's secret #2 - linking to other stuff. I'm no computer expert, but I'm pretty sure adding links to your posts tricks Google into thinking you're cool ("Hey, I know these people!") and/or knowledgeable ("Hey, I did research!") and/or relevant ("Hey, my stuff relates to this other stuff!"). Google likes cool kids. If you can trick Google into thinking you're cool, he'll introduce you to other people at parties and let you ride in his search engine or something like that, which I've heard is a good thing.

3. Ermahgerd!

That's it. I'm not sure if just typing it once or twice in a post will do the trick, or if it has to be in the title, or what, but after writing a post about my introduction to the "ermahgerd" sensation and a follow-up post making fun of myself, I'm forever getting traffic from people searching for things like ermahgerd neck cramps, ermahgerd shot put, ermahgerd bubbles, and ermahgerd pee pants (yes, people actually searched for all of those things - multiple times). Unfortunately for them they just end up seeing old pictures of me looking stupid, but it's hard for me to feel sorry for them since I have to see me looking stupid pretty much every day.

Yes, that is a yellow leather belt that I've used
to cinch in the waist of my henley tee. Thanks for asking.
I just now noticed the red eye, too - extra sexy.

I've also heard that mentioning a certain XXX word that starts with P and rhymes with "horn" will attract a lot of attention, though my husband, who normally supports every word of nonsense I type into this internet box, asked me to please not use that actual word lest it attract real live people searching for it, who would then land on my blog and find pictures like the one above instead of the hot, hot p-horn action they were hoping for. That ain't helping anybody's libido. Good call, honey. Actually, he pointed out that p-horn searchers aren't likely to become repeat visitors to HTV, unless they "enjoy" the pics I post, which would make them super weird and creepy, and I don't really want to be that type of popular.

4. If you're ready for an advanced level of awesomeness, try combining some of these tips. Start by selecting a topic that's likely to get lots of traffic; you can borrow some of my top search terms, such as:
hillbilly slogans for food
creepy baby sunglasses
erectile dysfunction funny
"threaten him" suppository or enema
shut up I'm right (this one's my favorite)
Open your post with a random statement about how popular you and your blog are, being sure to link to at least eighteen different sites in each sentence. Then discuss your chosen topic - "fat girls in yoga pants" seems to be another sure-fire traffic magnet - and wrap it all up with a reference to "p-to-the-horn" or a fun internet meme. Keep in mind, people love graphics!


Note: that fat girl in yoga pants really couldn't get up.

5. Most importantly, always leave people wanting more.

That's my way of telling you I couldn't think of a #5.


Here's wishing you innerweb fame! Remember, I believe it was Confucius who said, "Fake it until you make it." Also remember that obviously none of these tips have worked for me, so don't get your hopes up. By the way, you could really help me out with that by clicking the banner below (hint, hint).

Top Mommy Blogs - Mom Blog Directory




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50 comments:

  1. Hahahhaha!

    I mean, great tips.

    You rock.

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    1. Thanks! I think I forgot one of them, which is not to rely too much on FB since it won't let anyone who likes you see what you're doing anyway. ;)

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  2. Very insightful!
    I am as famous as I'm ever going to get, which is not famous or popular at all. But I also don't get paid by the page views--or at all, once again--so I suppose I shouldn't care.

    But most of my weird search results are from posts I wrote that included underwear or squirrels. That means many search terms involve (sometimes vulgar) things about underwear, squirrels wearing underwear, nuns in thongs and the like. I love fame!

    ReplyDelete
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    1. That's the danger of putting your work out there - perverts are always bound to misconstrue your writing as being pro-squirrels wearing underwear, when everyone knows they'd be much more comfortable going commando in some biker shorts. The squirrels, I mean. But probably the perverts, too.

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  3. As usual, a very informative post! However, since my blog, fishducky.blogspot.com, is already famous, there is no need to keep repeating the name fishducky.blogspot.com. New followers are always welcome at fishducky.blogspot.com!

    Signed, fishducky at fishducky.blogspot.com

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    1. Ah HA! Very clever... um, what'd you say your name was???

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  4. P-horn is my favorite word now. It should be a thing. I googled it and your blog didn't come up YET. But when the Google puts 2 and 2 together you will signing your name on squirrel underpants all day long.

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    1. I can only hope so. I'll start signing squirrel underpants now, and I nothing else, maybe THAT will be a thing.

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  5. If it wasn't for 'Ermahgerd', 'New Zealand porn actress' and 'sexy man in kitchen' searches, I wouldn't have any traffic to my blog. But I can live with that as long as you keep loving me.

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    1. You KNOW I do! And I'm sorry about those searches - I just coulda sworn you were in some NZ films I saw, uh, in a college art class...

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  6. All great tips but then again I only expect greatness from you because as Wayne & Garth bow down & say "We're not worthy" I too bow down to you as not worthy LOL p.s you rocked that perm!!
    I really messed myself up by dealing with changing my blog name but it had to be done the only drama I like is from As the Doll House Turns! So I am starting all over in getting people to my blog but I remain hopeful. ~janice~

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    1. It's such a slow, slooooow process, isn't it? :)

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  7. Giggling. I just go to bed happy every night knowing that I completely punk all the poor people who come to our site searching for a kitchen twine dispenser.
    *There are a ridiculous amount of people looking for kitchen twine dispensers. I don't even know what you use it for, except to truss a turkey and I'm not THAT type of girl.

    Ellen

    ReplyDelete
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    1. That's hilarious! I'm willing to bet that anyone searching for a kitchen twine dispenser online is NOT looking for the one they find. :D Yours is way too awesome for those searches, anyway.

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  8. Oh, you always make me laugh. My favorite search keywords I have are:
    i have to remove your husband's b... (it left off what the b-word is)
    funny caption for guy licking an icing
    gold 10 kg
    my garden gives me happiness

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I'm going to lose sleep about what that b word is! I need to know!!!

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  9. So.... your perm really does look awesome. Also, is shut up I'm right really a high volume search term??? lol

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    1. It is a popular search, and who am I to argue with the masses? If they're looking for someone who's right, I'm here to serve. Please don't tell my husband I said that - he might die laughing.

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  10. Ermahgerd. Therse are erserme terps. Plus, now I know where to find information on hilbilly slogans for food. Because wouldn't you know it, I've been looking for a tutorial on that very topic! PERFERCT!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have a million of 'em! And by a million, I mean none.

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  11. the whole "p, rhymes with horn" thing actually isn't that foolproof. I write about it all the damn time (well, like 3 times) but still i toil in semi-obscurity. It's probably because I get all sciencey or sociological or analytical about it and Completely ruin the mood.

    xoxox
    jill

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Personally, I prefer my p-horn with a bunch of intelligent analysis. It makes the boobies and thingamajigs seem more legit. :)

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    2. Katy over at I want a dumpster baby called them 'bewbies', which I thought was hysterical!

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    3. Bewbies - ha! Love I Want A Dumpster Baby, she funny.

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  12. "Shut up, I'm right." That is just the best. You never fail to make me laugh. No pressure, though. You are amazing and I want your autograph and I want it on a high-gloss print-out of yer perm.

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    1. For you, I would get a perm, shave my head, then outline my signature with superglue and my own curly hair! Hmmm, too much?

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    2. Super jealous! Exactly how much does a glossy, permed hair autograph cost? I would buy one just for the weirdness factor.

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    3. Whew, it's gonna take a long time to grow my hair back out, but I'll get a price list together. ;)

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  13. Loved it! I'm still toiling away talking about sex but struggling to get people interested enough to comment. Loved the P horn might have to try that!!

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    1. Strangely, I bet people are more scared to talk about s-e-x than p-horn. ;) I only wish I had real, functional tips to share for getting traffic - sadly, I work primarily in sarcasm.

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  14. Robyn, this is soooo helpful. I completely get why you are so widely celebrated. You're awesome and can throw out the p-horn like no one else!

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    1. "Throwing out the p-horn" is one of the ways I became so well-known, but I don't like to talk about it. ;)

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  15. Gardening Tips. that's how it's done. s'sly.
    I wrote a very informative post concerning my garden and even included some lovely shots of my lovely blooms. One pic which contained the caption "peony envy". I was so proud of my post, and my garden; especially when it got a ton of hits!
    Then I checked the search stats: "dirty mom" "mom doing garden naked" "flowers that look like penis" "hot shower with dirty mom": Ermahgerd! And what the?

    Apparently that little flower caption coupled with the fact that I said was I was so dirty and off to have a shower in the closing lines, brought all the creepy garden s-e-x pervs to my blog.

    Not that there's anything wrong with that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Gah, those pervy perverts will perv up anything, won't they???

      ::plans post about starting a shower garden with dirty flowers::

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  16. This makes so much more sense than that SEO stuff I don't understand. Random linking and claiming to be popular - I can do that.

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    1. I would pay someone to explain SEO tp me using small words and lots of visual aids, but I'd probably get a headache and fall asleep anyway.

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  17. I was JUST wondering to myself how in the p-horn you became so damn famous! (I love that word. I think it's going to take the place for a lot of my sweating for a little while.) Besides the fact that you are very helpful and informative, you also get funnier each time I read you.

    It makes my heart happy when I read things from people that seem to enjoy the same delusions that I do. I adore you.
    "Don't stop believing!"

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Please spread the word about p-horn! And thank you. Also, I adore you, too. :)

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  18. You're a dork.
    Kidding.
    I love you.

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  19. So if I do all of these, I'll be super DUPER popular, yes?

    *starts inserting all kinds of hyperlinks all over her own blog*

    ReplyDelete
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    1. For sure, especially hyperlinks. I bet if you link to p-horn it's even better!

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  20. Putting these into practice now!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Best of luck, honey - I hope they work better for you than they have for me! ;)

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  21. Unlike you, I have absolutely no problem blocking someone's search for p-horn. It just seems to serve them right for getting a Mommy humor site instead. And the one post I have with that in the title has 113 hits as opposed to 43, so you know that's what did it. It's a sick world. But I'm not getting paid for any of this, it's just therapy, and it's cheaper than rehab, so there you go.

    Love this post though. You are brilliant.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. That's right - get page views, stop the spread of p-horn. It's a win/win! For us, anyway. ;)

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