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Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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Top 10 Autumn Must-Haves


Holy crap, it's cold all of a sudden.

I have to admit, after eighty seven months in a row with the sun blazing down so hot that the tiny amount of rain we did get came in the form of boiling drizzle, I was unprepared for the sudden cold snap.

Gerry and I went outside Saturday night to watch the fireworks being set off at the nearby Apple Festival (motto: "There's not much to do here, but at least we have apples!") and nearly froze to death.
As an aside, y'all know I love fireworks, but even the hardiest of firework aficionado has to admit there's a limit to their awesomeness. After ten minutes, I find I start to lose my enthusiasm, and after twenty minutes I start to get irritated by the city's apparent misuse of my tax dollars. Saturday's display went on for THIRTY minutes, which is a long time to stand on the sidewalk in the cold with the baby monitor held in your outstretched hand toward the house so you'll know right away if the baby starts screaming because of the sonic booms and you're going to be up until 3AM getting her back to sleep.
I'm just saying.
But I digress.
The point is, fall is here and I need to prepare myself by making sure I'm fully stocked up on the season's most essential items.



  1. extra jackets to replace the ones the kids are sure to leave at school
  2. fluffy socks to keep the kids' feet warm, which will be confiscated the first time somebody uses them as skates to skid across the kitchen floor and land on their head (estimated: 5 minutes after purchase)
  3. fruit butter (finally a school fund raiser I can support without groaning, "Gah, magazines again - how many subscriptions to Golf Digest do I need?" under my breath - and for the record, the answer is zero,  I need zero subscriptions to Golf Digest)
  4. lots of headbands (the only way a girl can express herself at a school that requires uniforms) - she has already attempted to substitute a plastic, pink boa-edged crown for a headband, which will probably sound like a viable alternative in January when all the headbands have broken in half at the bottom of her backpack
  5. hot cocoa mix - I'm sure Pinterest wants me to make my own using shaved Bavarian chocolate and cream from a goat I milked myself, but I'll stick with Swiss Miss
  6. a fully charged camera, so I can be sure not to miss a single shot of the kids skipping along a sidewalk ankle-deep in crisp leaves, or a photo of the family warming their hands and roasting marshmallows by a backyard fire, or a quick picture of some really, really juvenile humor on college game day:
    ::snicker::

  7. some sort of powerful mace-based insect repellent, and maybe a large stick with oil-soaked flaming rags wrapped around one end, because although we're on the tail end of mosquito and tick season, apparently now we have to protect ourselves from the evil horde of zombie bees, which despite me being in a state of horrified denial is a REAL THING - yes, there are now bees who go insane and fly at night and die and are then reanimated by parasites - and not only are they zombies, but I'll bet they're extra cranky based on how I feel when my little parasites have kept me up all night
  8. I feel like I should throw a fashion item in here, like some funky boots by a designer I've never heard of or a deep, rich, berry-colored $23 tube of lipstick, but we all know I just can't muster up the energy to pretend I'm that cool - so my must-have fashion item will be last year's jeans . . .
  9. . . . and a magical genie to make me fit into last year's jeans
  10. Halloween costumes - this time the kids are going as "Bat To The Bone," which as far as I can tell is a pink ballerina fairy with black feathers and tinsel, and "dude in a scary mask," which aren't even real things, unlike the old standby costumes of my youth like hobo or princess or new costume options like Power Rangers or ZOMBIE BEES, which, as I mentioned, are also very, very real

What are the things you can't live without this autumn?



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56 comments:

Marianne said...

I'm with you on the jackets. We're already down two. Why won't those people at the child welfare agency just let me staple them to their backs????

Jill said...

I've never heard of fruit butter. I must be sheltered from this delicacy. Hysterical about the Golf Digest. How many do you need? lol. And too funny with the shaved chocolate and goat's milk hot cocoa. Thanks! I needed a good laugh. :)

Kate said...

Long live Swiss Miss!

robyn said...

Hear, hear! Gotta love those crunchy dehydrated mini marshmallows.

fishducky said...

Nothin' beats a really crunchy marshmallow!!

robyn said...

I agree - totally unreasonable. And where do the jackets and sweaters go? I picture the teachers parading around in the teachers' lounge on Fridays after school, doing the limbo and drinking from flasks, each wearing a ridiculously undersized hoodie sweatshirt and laughing maniacally.

I always wanted to be a teacher.

robyn said...

It's like apple butter (yay, more apple stuff!) but they make it with different fruits. We stopped by their tent today at the Apple Festival and sampled their new flavor, rhubarb butter. It's a lot more fun to say than it is to eat. ;) Thanks for being here!

Kerstin said...

I'm way ahead of you with the socks - all confiscated already. And they were even hand-knitted (not by me, hell no). Little old ladies knitted them and acted like they wanted my kids to have warm feet, but they were really death-traps and nobody could possibly walk in them without having suctions cups attached to them.
Maybe I should wear them and fall down and hit my head and forget to eat and then fit into last year's jeans again.

Bees With Honey said...

Ha ha, I'd like a magical Genie too! When you get done with yours, send it on over my way! I have lots of old jeans I'd like to fit into again.

Marian said...

Zombie bees sound horrifying! Please keep them in Michigan. I don't know if my ilk could handle that kind of plague.

Janice's footsteps said...

Still dealing with mosquitos & bees yes yikes. But can I borrow the genie when you are done with it? Wait that is silly your kids are younger therefore genie will be wore out, I'll take the cup of swiss miss instead :)

Stasha said...

I tried on #8 yesterday and I need #9 STAT!! This is an awesomeballs list and anything over 10 minutes is too long. Even fireworks ( specially for celebrating apples-HELLO???)

Christian at Point Counter-Point Point Point said...

I actually went to Portland State so I see why you found that College Game day photo so funny. Yes we loss to North Arizona but I don't see why you think it's juvenile humor. However I will give you credit that it is funny. Good one.

Godly~Wife said...

I love fireworks but I agree 30 minutes is too long. I won't be fitting in last years clothes so maybe that genie will come by and help me out lol. Maybe my chickens will let me borrow their feathers for a jacket lol.

Kim@Co-Pilot Mom said...

Gotta love the hot cocao - mix, that is! No goats' milk or shaved chocolate here. :)

robyn said...

Oh my lawd you are a GENIUS! Maybe we could get the little old ladies to knit socks for the zomb-bees too, so THEY'D slip and fall down before they killed us. Wait, maybe the socks would need to go on their wings...? Hang on, I need to call a scientist.

robyn said...

Okay, but we'll have to agree to keep sending the genie back and forth - because as soon as he makes me skinny enough to fit in my old jeans, I plan on eating a LOT of cake. I'll doubtless need his services again soon.

robyn said...

I don't even know if they've made it to MI yet - I'm afraid to look at the bee-dar maps. Just to be safe, I sit at my window with night vision goggles and a high-power rifle.

You know, I'm starting to realize why the neighbors don't talk to me.

robyn said...

I'm afraid I'm not very good at sharing my Swiss Miss, but I'll be happy to send over some Bavarian chocolate and a goat. ;)

robyn said...

THANK YOU, I thought so too - but people are just insane about their apples around here, I guess.

Stacie @ Snaps and Bits said...

Ha! You are so funny. But now you have me all worried about Zombie Bees...

robyn said...

I didn't notice the score at the bottom, but that's even better! I love it when I insult people, especially when I manage to do it without even trying.

robyn said...

A feather jacket would be awfully posh (I'm pretty sure - but admittedly I know less than nothing about fashion). I think the best I can hope for at this point in the wardrobe department is a genie that brings me bigger clothes.

robyn said...

No thank you - my kitchen is messy enough without a goat wandering around in there.

robyn said...

I know, I'm sorry to get everyone riled up, but I felt it was my civic duty to warn you. Otherwise you might not know to run away when you saw bees at night, stumbling around and buzzing, "Braaaaaaiiinnnnzzzzzzzzzzzz."

Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms said...

You all must be bored. It is too cold to watch fireworks in the fall that is why the rest of the country reserves them for the summer. You're welcome. I'm here to point things out.

Still giggling over the zombie bees. But I'm mostly laughing at myself because my first thought when I saw the college football game was, "Wow she is fast with a camera." Then the caffeine kicked in and I realized some DVR action MIGHT have been involved.

ELlen

Kimberly said...

Pumpkin spice lattes obviously.
And not having to shave my legs until next year some time.

robyn said...

No, I just have a camera pointed at the TV at all times - because yes, we are very, very bored around here. ;)

robyn said...

Oooh, good ones! Think of all the extra time we'll have for sipping lattes by skipping the shaving.

Wayne W Smith said...

I am with you on wishing for the magical weight loss genie to appear.

Robbie K said...

Please send me a magical genie. I am all about Swiss Miss.

Cat said...

The yellow jackets are going nuts...hello? There was a frost last night...DIE ALREADY!!! And the Stink Bugs. Oh! The stink bugs. So glad I am moving a little further west. I REALLY hope they won't stray over the PA/OH border.

And I was just hit up by my niece's girl scout troop for magazines. Being the good Aunt, I got one subscription. You know what would be nice? If they would do me the same service when my kid's preschool does a fund raiser. Instead, they act like I don't exist. After all these years of magazines and cookies (and popcorn is coming this year, I just know it), some reciprocity would be nice. Heck. They should be freakin OBLIGED. This is the last year I support anyone who doesn't support my kids. No excuses. If they can't shell out a dollar for a candy bar I won't shell out $4 for a box of cookies or $20 for a mag I don't really want.

robyn said...

AlakaZAM! Dang, still doesn't work. Not even if I wiggle my nose. Stupid genies.

robyn said...

Me too! And my Swiss Miss addiction isn't helping me need a genie any less.

robyn said...

We never have an issue with stink bugs over here - just the freaky zombie bees. Although if they're at all willing to buy magazines from my kids, I might be willing to let them stick around.

Heather Mott said...

OMG...I am laughing out loud. you are hilarious. I need to put you on my blog roll....Good lord..I already love your style..blunt..love it. I will be back.. Stop over and visit if you like......My life is crazy too with twins, triplets and a single. LOL
Heahter

robyn said...

Gah, your life IS crazy - I'll be over to visit fo sho. Thanks so much for being here and saying nice stuff. :)

Paige Kellerman said...

"so my must-have fashion item will be last year's jeans . . ."
I just wanna fit in last year's jeans. I hear muffin tops aren't in until Spring 2013.

robyn said...

They're gonna be in??? Because honestly, that's all I heard. And I'm totally prepared to wait until then.

shannon said...

if i promise that i will not traumatize your magic genie by making him watch me try to fit into last years jeans before he magically poofs my fluffy bits elsewhere (preferably into my cup size?? is that a genie-can-do kind of thing?) can i pretty please borrow him? i'll hand blow a new glass bottle from a pinterest recipe and everything...

Middletini said...

I'll see your zombie bees and raise you an infestation of rabid beavers, which are totally a real thing, too: http://grist.org/list/virginia-seems-to-have-a-rabid-beaver-problem/. And, I totally want a date with your genie.

The Third Partier said...

We all stopped by the tent, but we didn't all sample the aforementioned Rhubarb Butter. Blech.

The Third Partier said...

"Awesomeballs." :D

The Third Partier said...

Sorry, but the photo is of the Michigan State v Ohio State game. The ticker at the bottom is just running through all the scores.

Note to self: No one likes a know-it-all.

The Third Partier said...

I'd like a giant fan, like they use in the movies for making it look like there's a hurricane going on. I shall use it to blow all the neighbors's leaves back into their yards. Also, it would probably serve as a good weapon against those bees.

p.s. I'll get you into those jeans.

The Bonny Bard said...

I've just gotta say... a pink, plastic, boa crown sounds perfect as a headband... gotta let the girl express some creativity!

robyn said...

I sure hope that's a genie-can-do thing, because I'm placing my order now. ;)

robyn said...

I'm so sorry, but I though that said, "Vaginas seem to have a rabid beaver problem," which sounds like the worst plague yet! It also sounds like I need to increase the maturity level of my sense of humor by several years.

robyn said...

Very clever, getting two uses out of on wish! Well played, genie.

robyn said...

Agreed! I'm not sure her teacher will feel the same way... :)

melyssa said...

I thought that was what it said too...

(Now here's where we admit we kinda wanted to follow that odd link...)

melyssa said...

I was going to comment about Bavarian goats, but I'm too traumatized about zombie bees.

robyn said...

Hahahahaha - I admit NOTHING!!!!

robyn said...

It's hard to decide which is more disturbing, isn't it?

TNMom said...

Ok this is so strange, I am 99% sure that is what my 3 year old is going to be for halloween! We have wings, tutu's, feather boa...just need black leotard and some black ears...voila, black cat fairy thingy. Cute and easy. I feel so validated.
Also? About the headbands - yes, and mine can wear any leggings/tights of choice, so bring on the stripes and butterflies!
Devan

robyn said...

It's reassuring to know mine aren't the only kids inventing costumes. :)

Don't tell Zoe about the tights, though - the school got kinda strict suddenly. So much for all the wacky leg warmers we bought last year...

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