-->
Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
Follow the Hollow Tree on Facebook!Follow the tweets!Let's pin together!Look! Square pictures!Google Plus us!HTV's on the YouTube, too!Subscribe via RSS feed!Get yourself some Bloglovin'!I'll send htv to your email inbox!

Top 10 Autumn Must-Haves


Holy crap, it's cold all of a sudden.

I have to admit, after eighty seven months in a row with the sun blazing down so hot that the tiny amount of rain we did get came in the form of boiling drizzle, I was unprepared for the sudden cold snap.

Gerry and I went outside Saturday night to watch the fireworks being set off at the nearby Apple Festival (motto: "There's not much to do here, but at least we have apples!") and nearly froze to death.
As an aside, y'all know I love fireworks, but even the hardiest of firework aficionado has to admit there's a limit to their awesomeness. After ten minutes, I find I start to lose my enthusiasm, and after twenty minutes I start to get irritated by the city's apparent misuse of my tax dollars. Saturday's display went on for THIRTY minutes, which is a long time to stand on the sidewalk in the cold with the baby monitor held in your outstretched hand toward the house so you'll know right away if the baby starts screaming because of the sonic booms and you're going to be up until 3AM getting her back to sleep.
I'm just saying.
But I digress.
The point is, fall is here and I need to prepare myself by making sure I'm fully stocked up on the season's most essential items.



  1. extra jackets to replace the ones the kids are sure to leave at school
  2. fluffy socks to keep the kids' feet warm, which will be confiscated the first time somebody uses them as skates to skid across the kitchen floor and land on their head (estimated: 5 minutes after purchase)
  3. fruit butter (finally a school fund raiser I can support without groaning, "Gah, magazines again - how many subscriptions to Golf Digest do I need?" under my breath - and for the record, the answer is zero,  I need zero subscriptions to Golf Digest)
  4. lots of headbands (the only way a girl can express herself at a school that requires uniforms) - she has already attempted to substitute a plastic, pink boa-edged crown for a headband, which will probably sound like a viable alternative in January when all the headbands have broken in half at the bottom of her backpack
  5. hot cocoa mix - I'm sure Pinterest wants me to make my own using shaved Bavarian chocolate and cream from a goat I milked myself, but I'll stick with Swiss Miss
  6. a fully charged camera, so I can be sure not to miss a single shot of the kids skipping along a sidewalk ankle-deep in crisp leaves, or a photo of the family warming their hands and roasting marshmallows by a backyard fire, or a quick picture of some really, really juvenile humor on college game day:
    ::snicker::

  7. some sort of powerful mace-based insect repellent, and maybe a large stick with oil-soaked flaming rags wrapped around one end, because although we're on the tail end of mosquito and tick season, apparently now we have to protect ourselves from the evil horde of zombie bees, which despite me being in a state of horrified denial is a REAL THING - yes, there are now bees who go insane and fly at night and die and are then reanimated by parasites - and not only are they zombies, but I'll bet they're extra cranky based on how I feel when my little parasites have kept me up all night
  8. I feel like I should throw a fashion item in here, like some funky boots by a designer I've never heard of or a deep, rich, berry-colored $23 tube of lipstick, but we all know I just can't muster up the energy to pretend I'm that cool - so my must-have fashion item will be last year's jeans . . .
  9. . . . and a magical genie to make me fit into last year's jeans
  10. Halloween costumes - this time the kids are going as "Bat To The Bone," which as far as I can tell is a pink ballerina fairy with black feathers and tinsel, and "dude in a scary mask," which aren't even real things, unlike the old standby costumes of my youth like hobo or princess or new costume options like Power Rangers or ZOMBIE BEES, which, as I mentioned, are also very, very real

What are the things you can't live without this autumn?
While you think it over, go ahead and click the banner below - your vote is the 11th thing I must have this season.
Top Mommy Blogs - Mom Blog Directory


I'm linked up with Stasha at The Good Life for today's Monday Listicles prompt, Top 10 Must-Haves For Autumn. Step on over to her blog for a look at some autumn must-have lists by other folks!

AND don't forget to join Finding the Funny with Kelley's Break Room and My Life and Kids!

I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing - and so I don't get all lonely. I get extra-pathetic when I'm lonely.


56 comments:

  1. I'm with you on the jackets. We're already down two. Why won't those people at the child welfare agency just let me staple them to their backs????

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I agree - totally unreasonable. And where do the jackets and sweaters go? I picture the teachers parading around in the teachers' lounge on Fridays after school, doing the limbo and drinking from flasks, each wearing a ridiculously undersized hoodie sweatshirt and laughing maniacally.

      I always wanted to be a teacher.

      Delete
  2. I've never heard of fruit butter. I must be sheltered from this delicacy. Hysterical about the Golf Digest. How many do you need? lol. And too funny with the shaved chocolate and goat's milk hot cocoa. Thanks! I needed a good laugh. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's like apple butter (yay, more apple stuff!) but they make it with different fruits. We stopped by their tent today at the Apple Festival and sampled their new flavor, rhubarb butter. It's a lot more fun to say than it is to eat. ;) Thanks for being here!

      Delete
    2. We all stopped by the tent, but we didn't all sample the aforementioned Rhubarb Butter. Blech.

      Delete
  3. Replies
    1. Hear, hear! Gotta love those crunchy dehydrated mini marshmallows.

      Delete
    2. Nothin' beats a really crunchy marshmallow!!

      Delete
  4. I'm way ahead of you with the socks - all confiscated already. And they were even hand-knitted (not by me, hell no). Little old ladies knitted them and acted like they wanted my kids to have warm feet, but they were really death-traps and nobody could possibly walk in them without having suctions cups attached to them.
    Maybe I should wear them and fall down and hit my head and forget to eat and then fit into last year's jeans again.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh my lawd you are a GENIUS! Maybe we could get the little old ladies to knit socks for the zomb-bees too, so THEY'D slip and fall down before they killed us. Wait, maybe the socks would need to go on their wings...? Hang on, I need to call a scientist.

      Delete
  5. Ha ha, I'd like a magical Genie too! When you get done with yours, send it on over my way! I have lots of old jeans I'd like to fit into again.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Okay, but we'll have to agree to keep sending the genie back and forth - because as soon as he makes me skinny enough to fit in my old jeans, I plan on eating a LOT of cake. I'll doubtless need his services again soon.

      Delete
  6. Zombie bees sound horrifying! Please keep them in Michigan. I don't know if my ilk could handle that kind of plague.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't even know if they've made it to MI yet - I'm afraid to look at the bee-dar maps. Just to be safe, I sit at my window with night vision goggles and a high-power rifle.

      You know, I'm starting to realize why the neighbors don't talk to me.

      Delete
  7. Still dealing with mosquitos & bees yes yikes. But can I borrow the genie when you are done with it? Wait that is silly your kids are younger therefore genie will be wore out, I'll take the cup of swiss miss instead :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm afraid I'm not very good at sharing my Swiss Miss, but I'll be happy to send over some Bavarian chocolate and a goat. ;)

      Delete
  8. I tried on #8 yesterday and I need #9 STAT!! This is an awesomeballs list and anything over 10 minutes is too long. Even fireworks ( specially for celebrating apples-HELLO???)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. THANK YOU, I thought so too - but people are just insane about their apples around here, I guess.

      Delete
  9. I actually went to Portland State so I see why you found that College Game day photo so funny. Yes we loss to North Arizona but I don't see why you think it's juvenile humor. However I will give you credit that it is funny. Good one.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I didn't notice the score at the bottom, but that's even better! I love it when I insult people, especially when I manage to do it without even trying.

      Delete
    2. Sorry, but the photo is of the Michigan State v Ohio State game. The ticker at the bottom is just running through all the scores.

      Note to self: No one likes a know-it-all.

      Delete
  10. I love fireworks but I agree 30 minutes is too long. I won't be fitting in last years clothes so maybe that genie will come by and help me out lol. Maybe my chickens will let me borrow their feathers for a jacket lol.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A feather jacket would be awfully posh (I'm pretty sure - but admittedly I know less than nothing about fashion). I think the best I can hope for at this point in the wardrobe department is a genie that brings me bigger clothes.

      Delete
  11. Gotta love the hot cocao - mix, that is! No goats' milk or shaved chocolate here. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No thank you - my kitchen is messy enough without a goat wandering around in there.

      Delete
  12. Ha! You are so funny. But now you have me all worried about Zombie Bees...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know, I'm sorry to get everyone riled up, but I felt it was my civic duty to warn you. Otherwise you might not know to run away when you saw bees at night, stumbling around and buzzing, "Braaaaaaiiinnnnzzzzzzzzzzzz."

      Delete
  13. You all must be bored. It is too cold to watch fireworks in the fall that is why the rest of the country reserves them for the summer. You're welcome. I'm here to point things out.

    Still giggling over the zombie bees. But I'm mostly laughing at myself because my first thought when I saw the college football game was, "Wow she is fast with a camera." Then the caffeine kicked in and I realized some DVR action MIGHT have been involved.

    ELlen

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No, I just have a camera pointed at the TV at all times - because yes, we are very, very bored around here. ;)

      Delete
  14. Pumpkin spice lattes obviously.
    And not having to shave my legs until next year some time.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oooh, good ones! Think of all the extra time we'll have for sipping lattes by skipping the shaving.

      Delete
  15. I am with you on wishing for the magical weight loss genie to appear.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. AlakaZAM! Dang, still doesn't work. Not even if I wiggle my nose. Stupid genies.

      Delete
  16. Please send me a magical genie. I am all about Swiss Miss.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Me too! And my Swiss Miss addiction isn't helping me need a genie any less.

      Delete
  17. The yellow jackets are going nuts...hello? There was a frost last night...DIE ALREADY!!! And the Stink Bugs. Oh! The stink bugs. So glad I am moving a little further west. I REALLY hope they won't stray over the PA/OH border.

    And I was just hit up by my niece's girl scout troop for magazines. Being the good Aunt, I got one subscription. You know what would be nice? If they would do me the same service when my kid's preschool does a fund raiser. Instead, they act like I don't exist. After all these years of magazines and cookies (and popcorn is coming this year, I just know it), some reciprocity would be nice. Heck. They should be freakin OBLIGED. This is the last year I support anyone who doesn't support my kids. No excuses. If they can't shell out a dollar for a candy bar I won't shell out $4 for a box of cookies or $20 for a mag I don't really want.

    ReplyDelete
  18. We never have an issue with stink bugs over here - just the freaky zombie bees. Although if they're at all willing to buy magazines from my kids, I might be willing to let them stick around.

    ReplyDelete
  19. OMG...I am laughing out loud. you are hilarious. I need to put you on my blog roll....Good lord..I already love your style..blunt..love it. I will be back.. Stop over and visit if you like......My life is crazy too with twins, triplets and a single. LOL
    Heahter

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Gah, your life IS crazy - I'll be over to visit fo sho. Thanks so much for being here and saying nice stuff. :)

      Delete
  20. "so my must-have fashion item will be last year's jeans . . ."
    I just wanna fit in last year's jeans. I hear muffin tops aren't in until Spring 2013.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They're gonna be in??? Because honestly, that's all I heard. And I'm totally prepared to wait until then.

      Delete
  21. if i promise that i will not traumatize your magic genie by making him watch me try to fit into last years jeans before he magically poofs my fluffy bits elsewhere (preferably into my cup size?? is that a genie-can-do kind of thing?) can i pretty please borrow him? i'll hand blow a new glass bottle from a pinterest recipe and everything...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I sure hope that's a genie-can-do thing, because I'm placing my order now. ;)

      Delete
  22. I'll see your zombie bees and raise you an infestation of rabid beavers, which are totally a real thing, too: http://grist.org/list/virginia-seems-to-have-a-rabid-beaver-problem/. And, I totally want a date with your genie.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm so sorry, but I though that said, "Vaginas seem to have a rabid beaver problem," which sounds like the worst plague yet! It also sounds like I need to increase the maturity level of my sense of humor by several years.

      Delete
    2. I thought that was what it said too...

      (Now here's where we admit we kinda wanted to follow that odd link...)

      Delete
    3. Hahahahaha - I admit NOTHING!!!!

      Delete
  23. I'd like a giant fan, like they use in the movies for making it look like there's a hurricane going on. I shall use it to blow all the neighbors's leaves back into their yards. Also, it would probably serve as a good weapon against those bees.

    p.s. I'll get you into those jeans.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Very clever, getting two uses out of on wish! Well played, genie.

      Delete
  24. I've just gotta say... a pink, plastic, boa crown sounds perfect as a headband... gotta let the girl express some creativity!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Agreed! I'm not sure her teacher will feel the same way... :)

      Delete
  25. I was going to comment about Bavarian goats, but I'm too traumatized about zombie bees.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's hard to decide which is more disturbing, isn't it?

      Delete
  26. Ok this is so strange, I am 99% sure that is what my 3 year old is going to be for halloween! We have wings, tutu's, feather boa...just need black leotard and some black ears...voila, black cat fairy thingy. Cute and easy. I feel so validated.
    Also? About the headbands - yes, and mine can wear any leggings/tights of choice, so bring on the stripes and butterflies!
    Devan

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's reassuring to know mine aren't the only kids inventing costumes. :)

      Don't tell Zoe about the tights, though - the school got kinda strict suddenly. So much for all the wacky leg warmers we bought last year...

      Delete

Thank you for commenting - you're awesome! I mean, even if you're a jerk, at least it means you read my blog. RIGHT?!?