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Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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Inappropriate Gift Giving Is Fun

I'd like to announce from the giddyup that my bloggin' buddy, The Bearded Iris, and my bloggin' might-consider-being-my-buddy-if-she-knew-I-was-alive, The Suniverse, are having a contest to find the best inappropriate (that means naughty)  crafts.

I am entering this contest.

The name of the contest is Craft Whores.

I stole their wicked cross-stitched logo.

Heads up - if the name of the contest  offends you, that's a good indication that you might wanna close your browser window now and back away slowly. My guess is that you won't find the rest of this particular post amusing.

However, if you love inappropriate crafts (AND WHO DOESN'T?) (I can say that now, since the people who don't like them all left during the last paragraph) then read on! Maybe you'll be inspired to enter the contest yourself.

Because crafts are fun. And being inappropriate is fun. What's not to like?

____________________________________________

My craft is intended to be a wedding gift, a bridal shower present, or perhaps a little something special for your grandparents' anniversary - for any couple whose relationship you want to celebrate, really. Maybe it's time to focus some attention on your own relationship, eh?

You see, we keep scrapbooks commemorating vacations, milestones, and every hiccup that ever graced the diaphragms of our beloved offspring. Yet we ignore one of the fundamental parts of our lives that prevents us from murdering our spouses in their sleep.


Places We've "Done It" album - $19.95 plus S&H

That's right, what we have here is a hand-bound, faux leather, extremely attractive, tasteful (on the outside) scrapbook of places where you've done the deed! All you need to do is insert pictures of the locations (showing skin is optional, but - in my case, anyway - probably not recommended) and add a few details to preserve these precious memories forever.

What couple wouldn't want to relive their private exploits by flipping through an album full of all their Nekkid Together-Times? Or for the adventurous, maybe you'll opt to use it as a coffee table book; guests are sure to be entertained and/or horrified by this unexpected glimpse into the seedy underbelly of your marriage.

The interior pages provide photo corners for easy insertion of the pictures of your Sweet Love Locales.
Won't your friends be surprised to see a photo of their own hot tub? Ready to impress the neighbors by how adventurous you got out back by their bird feeder? Don't you want to witness the look on Grandma's face when she recognizes her sofa in a snapshot taken during that week you were housesitting? Fun for the whole family.

The floral decorations really say you care,
and also that I have too much time on my hands.

In addition to the photo, there are spots on each page to add more information, including the date, place, and reason (such as, "The kids slept in their own beds for once" or, "Cashing in a homemade birthday coupon from last year"). You can check off adjectives that might describe your Special Time together (Was it Loud? Playful? Um . . . dainty?), record whether or not any of your children were conceived at the time (they'll really appreciate reading about that later), and even evaluate your overall experience with a handy five-star rating system.

These kinds of details will be so much fun to look back on together when you're old and feeble and rarely have the energy for a good romp anymore (about 10 minutes after the conclusion of the honeymoon), and will really bring the vibrance of your relationship to life for future generations.

So please, consider snatching up one of these Places We've Done It albums for your friend to open at her bridal shower in front of her elderly Great Aunts and extended family, and one for that Ms. Perfect PTA Mom who seems to have it all - you can be sure  she doesn't have one of these!

And of course, grab one for yourself as well.

Don't forget to show off the fact that you christened the very coffee table the book is sitting on.

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I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing - and so I don't get all lonely. I get extra-pathetic when I'm lonely.


59 comments:

  1. Ha! Grandma should be happy that it was only the sofa. What does it say about me that my mind immediately kicked into gear filling in the pages?

    Underbelly of marriage, he he he.

    Ellen

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey, immediately filling the pages is a lot better than running out of material by page 3! ;)

      Delete
  2. My mind went to specific pictures too. I can always go back and snap a pic of the inside of a handicap porta-potty...uh...
    I love the "reason" field, that cracked me up!
    Devan

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Handicap porta-potty??? You're making me wonder if I should run my own side-contest for the most impressive Places We've Done It album page.

      Delete
  3. Yes, best write this stuff down before we forget! Too funny.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Plus, any time your kids try to say you don't understand anything because you were never young and cool, you can show them the picture of you and their dad gettin' it on backstage at the White Snake concert. That oughtta shut 'em up.

      Delete
  4. Is there a limit to how many I can buy? Not because Hubs and I have SO much sex, but because I'm wondering if you'll actually produce 100 of these for $1995. I guess that's not a fair question though since I don't have $1995 unless... Can you see any way I could turn this into a school expense?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Honey, at this point there are precious few things I won't do for $1995. Plus, S&H might be like $400 each, I haven't decided yet.

      Delete
  5. WINNER! Wait, I'm not a judge. But if I were? WiNnEr!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey, thanks! I feel like a winner already - though I think I might need to add a penis doodle to the front of the album to really clinch it.

      Heh heh. Penis doodle.

      Delete
    2. PENIS DOODLE! It reminds me of that scene from Super Bad where Jonah Hill (as a little boy) is obsessed with drawing penises. You know. Penis doodling.

      Hey, know what I love about this post? Your writing. I mean sure, the scrap book is frickin' awesome and hilarious on its own, but your descriptions are slap-yo-baby funny. I heart you long time. Like ERMAHGERD, THERS ERS FERNNY!

      Delete
    3. We used to have a game in middle school, and perhaps even into high school, where a group of us would attempt to doodle a large penis (scrote included) on each other's books/folders/notebooks any chance we got. So much the better if it was in permanent marker. Good times. Good. Times.

      Speaking of good times, you could even pepper in some action shots, since the digital age has taken the 1-Hour FoxFoto guy out of the processing-your-photos equation.

      Delete
    4. @TheBeardedIris, thanks a million! And ERMAHGERD, you know I heart you long time, too. ::insert penis doodle here::

      Delete
    5. @ThirdParty - I appreciate your argument for action shots; I will take it under advisement.

      Delete
  6. It would be fun to put pictures of like, Target, a friend's wedding, or maybe a memorial service in there too. Lots of possibilities here.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What's so strange about those places?!? Seriously, though, if I ever found a book like that on someone's coffee table, I'd be friends with them for life. Though hopefully we'd already be pretty close, if I'm in their liiving room flipping through their scrapbooks.

      Delete
    2. I'd want to know if there were any of those action shots I mentioned before I started leafing through one of these I found on a coffee table.

      Delete
  7. I'm gonna back Nicole up on this one and proclaim you the WINNER! Wait...I can't? Too bad, I just did. Hilarious, and to quote the fat lady with the sailboat from Napoleon Dynamite, "I want that."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Why thankyouverymuch, my dear! I'm going to work on an acceptance speech that'd make a hooker blush, then I'm gonna give the speech whether I win or not - BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT A CRAFT WHORE WOULD DO!

      Delete
  8. I need this book. Seriously.

    It's so many kinds of brilliant.

    LOVE!

    Thanks so much for entering!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're too kind. :) I'm thinking of putting the prototype on eBay to see if I can get banned for life.

      Thank YOU for hosting - what a great idea! I'm having a blast checking out all the entries. :)

      Delete
  9. This is hilarious!!! I've been with my husband so long I could probably get by with a few pieces of notebook paper. My memory is shot.

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    Replies
    1. Ha - no doubt! I'll just make one page and then photocopy it a thousand times (sorry, honey - I mean a million times). ;)

      Delete
  10. I think this is classy and brilliant. Imagine your great great great grandchildren cherishing an heirloom like this with such valuable family history.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's EXACTLY what I was going for - because nothing says classy and brilliant like a coffee table book of your sexcapades! Plus, if I can scar, not just my children, but their children and THEIR children, that's just a huge bonus.

      Delete
  11. This is hysterical! I want one of these!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm sure they'll be in production soon - I'm just waiting for the call from a publisher...

      Delete
  12. I. Need. This. You can bet your boots that I'd fill it up then leave it out on the coffee table when I'm an inappropriate old lady.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Why wait until you're an inappropriate old lady? You don't want to look back on your life, regretting all the chances you missed to be inappropriate now!

      Delete
  13. Love it.

    Please tell me you have multiple copies of this available for purchase.

    Heh. I said "multiple."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Heh. Heh heh. I could, if everybody only needed two pages in each book - but that would just be kind of sad.

      Delete
  14. Replies
    1. Thanks! Operators are standing by . . .

      Delete
  15. You really have a gift Robyn this is A M A Z I N G and I want one or two or multiples, my grandma wouldn't be the embarrassed one my husband would LOL I shock him all the time still so this would be perfect and I declare you the WINNER also!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks so much! And if it embarrasses the husband, even better. As a matter of fact, throw in a few pictures of places he won't recognize, just to mess with his head. ;)

      Delete
  16. We'd better hurry if we want to get a picture of the Baptist Church on Lake Street (it's okay, we're not Baptists) because I think they're tearing it down.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're always thinking. I'm sure it's just for the historical value, right? ;)

      Delete
  17. You crack me up! Every time! Oh the lengths we'll go for a good post.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, I'm so glad! And you're right - it's shameful, isn't it? ;)

      Delete
  18. Hahahah I actually could see this being sold for real. You need to get a patent, stat!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Good idea! If I understand patent law (and I think I do), if I just yell PATENT PENDING at the internet, that oughtta cover it. Done! I should be rich in no time.

      Delete
  19. this is both awesome and inappropriate and CLEARLY marketable!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That would be just my luck - I'm finally rich, but too embarrassed to tell anyone how I made my millions! :)

      Delete
  20. This is seriously the best! I love how classy it looks. Oh, man, this is hilariously awesome.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks! It's just like me - classy on the outside, disgusting on the inside. Except for the "classy on the outside" part. :)

      Delete
  21. Hysterical (no surprise). My scrabook would say, Places My Husband Wishes We Had Done It because we are boring and tired and have so many children.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Honey, you just invented a new "Gifts For Him" line!

      Delete
  22. The picture of this on the link-up alone made my husband laugh out loud. But I'm not jealous or anything.

    This is above and beyond--I agree with others that you could actually sell this.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha! Thanks, but I think you win the prize for Most Compelling Photo. ;)

      Delete
  23. Just getting caught up on all my reading. This is too funny. Love it. The plether-bound book looks so pretty & romantic too. Especially love the rating option on the page.

    Love: "when you're old and feeble and rarely have the energy for a good romp anymore (about 10 minutes after the conclusion of the honeymoon)"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Secret confession time: it's SO faux leather that it's not even pleather. It's cardboard spritzed with walnut ink. Shhh, don't tell the judges. ;)

      Delete

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