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Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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Dogs Aren't Supposed To Eat Babies

As if the random doll head in my car weren't enough, one day an even creepier doll-thing turned up in the baby's toy basket. I was alarmed by it, to say the least.

Why yes, I will kill you in your sleep.
Thank you for asking.

On one hand, I thought it might be a toy from Gerry's childhood - it did come out of his vast collection of junk crapola precious memories in the basement.

On the other hand, it looked to be about 117 years old vintage, and also was a doll, and a doll that didn't look like any fun at all for a kid to play with to boot, which didn't jibe with my "Gerry's childhood" theory.

Careful not to hurt his feelings in case this item was, in fact, a treasured heirloom, I gently inquired, "What the hell is this horrifying piece of garbage, and why is it touching Maddie's toys?"

He immediately rushed to the doll-thing's defense. Meanwhile, I held it at arm's length, delicately between two fingers, visually inspecting the overall creepiness.

In addition to being fairly dirty, most of its (probably lead-based) paint was worn off, though some of the bare spots were filled in with stray swipes from a hot pink marker. Worst of all, the very tip of its ponytail was missing; by all appearances you could safely conclude that someone or something had gnawed it off.

When he was finished trying to say good things about the doll-thing that didn't make any sense, I said with disdain, "Did you know this thing squeaks? Were you aware it's a squeaky toy?"

Gerry continued to pretend this was a positive attribute.

Wait a minute - it's been chewed on, and it squeaks? Sherlocking the facts together, I came to the obvious conclusion. "This is a dog toy, isn't it? It's like one of those rubber newspapers, something you throw for a dog and he chews it and slobbers on it and brings it back and growls and acts like he's not going to give it back but then eventually he does because he wants you to keep throwing it but the thought of touching it again makes you cringe. Gross! Maddie is NOT playing with a dog's chew toy!"

Very patiently, Gerry pointed out, "I doubt very seriously that they'd make a dog's chew toy in the shape of a baby."

Touché, babe - touché.

I probably should've listened more closely when Gerry was defending the doll-thing, because if he was explaining that it belonged to one of his sisters when they were kids, they're probably pretty insulted right now.

Sorry, guys - I'm sure she was awesome, back in the day.

Hopefully I get some points for not actually giving it to a dog, and thus inadvertantly teaching him that it's fun to chew on babies.  Doesn't that deserve a clicky vote on the TMB banner below?
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49 comments:

  1. Totally earned a vote, but I'm dumb. What number are you?

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    1. You're so sweet - thank you! But all you have to do is click the banner; TMB records traffic to their site based on which blog you're coming from, which lets them know who you voted for. Once their page opens, you can just close it again. They almost make it TOO simple, don't they? Everybody asks about that. :)

      Thanks again for reading and voting - I really appreciate it!

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  2. OMG! I am totally crying laughing at how 'carefully' you asked your hubby about it! LOL! Vote earned indeed!
    Devan

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    1. Thanks so much! Sensitivity is so important in marital communication, don't you think? ;)

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  3. Very patiently, Gerry pointed out, "I doubt very seriously that they'd make a dog's chew toy in the shape of a baby."



    Oh my dear God.

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    1. I will never - ever - hear the end of it. I'd better hurry up and be right about something to even things out.

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    2. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    3. I replied as you again.

      You're gonna need way more than one thing to even things out. :D You're gonna need ~3 bajillion things. But who's counting?

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  4. Our puppy had a baby doll too..it was her favorite toy!!!!

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    1. Wait, they DO make baby-shaped dog toys??? This means I could be right! If I give you my husband's phone number, can you call him and just casually mention your puppy's toy?

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    2. I'm afraid that Ms. Gaga gave her puppy a child's toy.

      As for THIS child's toy: It wasn't mine, and it wasn't a dog's, so it must have been one of my sister whose ratty old squeak toy has now gained a modicum of internet notoriety.

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  5. You know the good thing is that most of the lead-based paint was chewed and licked off long ago by the those who now have tremors. Still, creepy though but thrilling in a way too.

    I've been clicking on the banner now for 20 minutes like a video gambler on a roll. Gotta give it up my friend. Somebody else take over cause the house is now empty of the Autistic circus and Daddy needs to find some whiskey for his coffee. (He has tremors without chewing on paint chips.)

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    1. Hey, thanks for clicking, and for pointing out the silver lining - at least somebody else got the lead poisoning! Sending some paint chips your way . . .

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  6. I am officially using Sherlock as a verb. Thank you. Thank you VERY much...still giggling!

    And on a side note, my kids have several of my late dog's stuffed toys. One of the favs is a big koala that sounds like kids giggling when you squeeze it's head. Not kidding. The dog was supposed to chew on the head of this thing to make it giggle like a child. Also, they are probably the only kids on the block with a firmly stuffed squirrel. There are more, but nothing comes straight to mind and I don't want to have to get my derrier or this chair-ier...

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    1. What I'm hearing is that they do make some pretty messed up dog toys with human traits (I have a giggling head, too!), so I probably won this argument without even knowing it. I want a do-over!

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  7. That doll explains everything about you...
    Totally kidding!!!!

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    1. Ha! Maybe it does, but it for sure explains a lot about our household. ;)

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  8. Very funny! That doll totally looks like a dog toy.

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    1. THANK YOU! I thought so, too (the looking like a dog toy part - I'm never sure about the funny part).

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  9. HA - I was thinking it was a dog toy as well but then that point about Not making a dog toy in the shape of a baby makes perfect sense. But things were done so differently way back then. We smoked candy cigarettes! See? Times have changed. LOL I'm voting on the dog toy theory.

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    1. I appreciate it - I'll put you down for a vote for ROBYN IS ALWAYS RIGHT AND ALWAYS WILL BE. That is what you said, isn't it???

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    2. They still sell candy cigarettes, but if you're actually smoking them, you're doing it wrong. ;P

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  10. Ha! You should keep it around for Halloween... Put a spiked collar on the dog and have him hold the baby in his mouth.. You may be able to keep all the candy for yourself.

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    1. It sure would be the scariest thing out there! We don't have a dog, but Zoe hasn't decided on a costume yet . . . What little girl doesn't want to dress up as a dog and carry a potentially toxic toy in her mouth in an effort to scare off trick or treaters? Wait, I think I might have better luck just getting a dog. :)

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    2. Not with me around, you won't. I don't think Chauncey will go for it either.

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  11. Well, just because "they" wouldn't make a dog's chew toy in the shape of a baby doesn't mean it wasn't used as a dog's chew toy. Although by the same logic you also don't know whether or not it was used as a nuclear reactor scrubber. A little dog slobber isn't looking so bad now is it?

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    1. Thank you for putting that in perspective! I guess that's true for almost anything though . . . she said, disposing of all the things.

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    2. Hard to imagine a dog grabbing hold of a squeaky toy, ripping the tip off the ponytail, then leaving it be, never to be chewed on again. But that's what must have happened, since a cursory examination of said toy will reveal nary a single tooth mark. Also, it must have been our first dog, as our second dog didn't have opposable thumbs with which to grip the doll as it tore into that ponytail. Yep. Julius was one unique pup. He could also drive and take notation.

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    3. Is that SARCASM I detect in your voice? Suely not. Julius sounds like a wonderful dog, RIP (I'm assuming, since he ate the toxic ponytail).

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  12. I might have considered tossing it to the dog but I wouldn't want to poison him! What was so special about it anyway?!!

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    1. You know, I'm still not sure . . . I probaably should've paid a little attention when he was defending it, it's probably a family heirloom or something. ;/

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  13. I don't know how you are able to make everyday situations historical, but you do!

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    1. Darn that auto-correct! I meant hysterical!

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    2. Although this one is kind of historical too.

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    3. Laughing. so. hard... I love this comment much. :)

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    4. I liked "historical" more, but you are hysterical, babe.

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  14. It's from the devil. It's appropriate to give it a good "get thee back, Satan!" and toss the mother in a fire pit you later extinguish with holy water.

    I mean, "Charmant!"

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    1. HA - isn't it? I'm wondering where I can get my hands on some holy water. You think anyone would notice if I took a turkey baster into church and borrowed some? Or maybe I could bless it myself, since I'm qualified to bless people's sneezes.

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    2. Lol. I'd like to sneak a turkey baster into church. That would be worth doing if just to say we did.

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  15. That toy belongs in the the town of the Children of the Corn (which I've been thinking about this week for various reason). It needs to be destroyed!

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    1. Maybe I could just drop it off in their town - it might keep those corn children from murdering so much if they had something to play with. Or, maybe the doll-thing would become their leader. That wouldn't be good.

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  16. When are you going to do a post about the weird little grey piggy squeak toy that arrived with the weird little baby squeak toy? In my opinion, it's just as bizarre.

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    1. True, except I can't FIND the piggy one, probably because it's hiding under the edge of the bed waiting to grab my ankles.

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  17. Such a funny post...about such a creepy toy!
    Thank you for the nightmares I'll have tonight :)

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    1. You're welcome! I promise never to post about the doll-thing again (though I know her image is burned onto your retinas - sorry about that).

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  18. Wow, 46 comments, I guess you don't really need mine, but here it is anyway. I bought a gift for my sons: a super-cool frisbee from Target that turns out to be........... (wait for it).......... a dog toy. I kinda knew it was a dog toy, because, well, it was in the dog toy section and all. (No, I do not have a dog, nor am I pining for a deceased dog or having any dog envy of any kind.) But the thing is, this frisbee has sort of soft edges (I guess for the "dog" to grip with its teeth) so I became instantly enamored of it. I thought to myself, Self, if this hits Short right in the eye, he will NOT be blinded for life! He might even hop right up and laugh!

    So, the moral of my story is: I love Target.

    best,
    MOV
    *this comment not sponsored by Target (but maybe should be)

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    1. That's seriously brilliant - with a dog frisbee, even *I* might be able to catch a toss once in a while without jamming my finger on it!

      And my dear MOV, you know perfectly well I always need your comments! ;)

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