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Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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Tuesday, September 11, 2012

As The Dollhouse Turns - The New Neighbor

Episode 4: The New Neighbor

Today's episode begins with Sunny informing Buzz that there's a house for sale down the street.

Buzz sighs. He knows where this is headed.

Sunny calls from the other room, "I've set up an appointment to tour the house."

Buzz doesn't reply.

"For both of us  to tour the house," Sunny clarifies, as if clarification were necessary. Sunny always drags Buzz along, because it's the easiest way to show him all the projects she'll be telling him to undertake in their own house.

However, this time he doesn't really mind getting out for a while. He's been feeling a tad uneasy lately, though he's not quite sure why.


"Did you hear something? It sounded like someone
angrily tearing their shirt into pieces."

That afternoon, they begin their tour. Right away, Buzz knows their house will never measure up - he's going to have a lot of projects on his hands.

"Oh my word, they have actual stairs in here!"
"Why didn't I ever think to add a
balcony off the laundry room?
Buzz, are any of our walls load-bearing?"
"We definitely need tile like this in our living room."


Buzz can't take it anymore. Sunny's adding way too many things to his workload, and he needs to slow her down somehow.

He starts with the tried and true - every husband knows the best way to change the subject is to pick a fight. "Look, I don't have time for these projects, I'm under a lot of stress right now and... whoa. Where did you get that glass? Have you been drinking?  And when did the baby get here? Do I need to have my mother visit again to help with the kids?"

"I carry a wine glass with me everywhere," Sunny says dismissively, ignoring his obvious attempt to distract her. She moves along to the next room, and Buzz kisses his golfing weekends goodbye as she continues to add to his to-do list. "Buzz," she shrieks from down the hall, "you told me no one in the whole neighborhood had a bathroom! I've been holding it  for five years!"

 "Hang on there, Sunny - wow, you really are  out of practice."

"When we were dating you never needed fancy things like bathrooms," Buzz says, changing his strategy a bit to include a guilt trip. He shoos her out of the room before she notices the double sinks.

But by the time they get to the kitchen, Buzz has that uneasy feeling again. While Sunny drones on about double ovens and granite countertops, Buzz abruptly announces that he needs to go home and lie down.

"I am NOT a pansy. I'm just paranoid and possibly
delusional, and it's making me feel all icky."

A few days later, Sunny asks Buzz why he hasn't yet built a garage and then converted the garage to a family room with a wet bar and a full bath.

"I told you, I have a lot going on right now," says Buzz, who looks over his shoulder frequently and is considerably more twitchy than usual.

"I don't know what's gotten into you," Sunny says, "but you're no fun to hang out with ever since you started acting like a crazy person. That's why I'm so glad a young mother bought that house down the street; our kids can play together while we mix up these new mojito recipes I found on Pinterest."

"You drink mojitos now, too?" asks Buzz,
who was smart to avoid using the words "lush" or "intervention."

Before long, Sunny's new potential BFF moves in.

"Yoo hoo! Did you know this house has
a balcony off the laundry room?"

Sunny immediately wants to strangle the little show-off - but she's desperate for friends, so instead she simply waves back. Before long they're chatting like old chums; the woman's name is Magnolia Lace, but Sunny forgives her, assuming her parents must be hippies or yuppies or something.

Magnolia talks about her children - they're home schooled, excel in ballet, soccer, and karate, have the first twelve seasons of Jeopardy memorized, lettered in varsity sports at age four, write crossword puzzles for Highlights magazine, and invented a new kind of broccoli. As for herself, Magnolia gave up her career as a biochemist astronaut supermodel to stay home with her kids and run her charity organization, which helps underprivileged homeless endangered animals through the healing power of scrapbooking. She also likes to garden, teach Tantric yoga, and play Olympic-level chess.

The urge to strangle her new best friend begins, once again, to swell in Sunny's heart. "May I call you Maggie?" she interrupts.

"I'd prefer it if you didn't," Magnolia replies.

"Great. Can I use your bathroom, Maggie?"

"Double sinks??? Sunnuva..."

When Sunny comes back, she hopes to redirect the conversation to a topic that won't make the veins in her forehead throb quite so much.

"So, what exactly brings you to this neighborhood?" she asks innocently.

"Wait for it..."

"Well actually," Maggie confides, as dramatic music begins playing in the background, "I had to escape some painful memories. My dear son disappeared not long ago, and I had to move because of the pain and the anguish. And also because I was afraid he'd come back and find me and I'd go completely broke trying to feed him; Jimmy could really go through a lot of Spaghetti-os."

"My goodness!" Sunny starts to respond, but before she can extend her condolences for what was surely a horrific birthing experience or mention Jimmy's connection to her own daughter, Maggie continues.

"Plus, my husband left me several years ago. I'm finally ready to move on, and I understand my old high school sweetheart lives nearby. Maybe you know him? His name is Buzz."

DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN.
Will Maggie make a move on Sunny's man?
Will Buzz spiral into complete and utter insanity and need to be institutionalized in a frightening (yet adorable) doll-sized mental hospital?
Will Sunny ever get the tile floor she deserves?
And most importantly, WHERE IS MY MOJITO????

Tune in next time, when some or all of these questions may or may not be addressed.
Until then, take a look at the previous episodes of As The Dollhouse Turns so you'll have some small hope of keeping up with the increasingly random and far-fetched plot twists - oh, and click the Top Mommy Blogs button below please, for no good reason other than I asked you nicely, or maybe out of pity for my lack of double sinks.

Top Mommy Blogs - Mom Blog Directory

Linkety Linked with Finding the Funny on My Life and Kids and Kelley's Break Room!



I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing - and so I don't get all lonely. I get extra-pathetic when I'm lonely.


46 comments:

  1. I can't even describe how much I love these. Seriously. "Sunnuva..."

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    1. I can't pretend that isn't what I think every time I see someone else's double sinks... I'm not proud of it, but there it is. ;)

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  2. Replies
    1. I know - I gave myself a serious craving.

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  3. You are awesome. I need to go reread all the others STAT. Never trust a girl named Maggie....

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    1. Thanks! This Maggie business sounds like you have a good story, though... :)

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  4. It's like the Tell-Tale Heart but with Hulk and mojitos. ;)

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    1. I've often said that the only way to improve upon the pretty decent thing Poe had going was to toss in some superhero action and alcohol. ;)

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  5. HAHAHA! Another awesome episode. Love it! :)

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  6. You know I am TVoing these, right??? LOL but if I could yep I would!!
    I always click that mommy button because my goal besides having all episodes of the Doll house in my DVD collection is to see YOUR name in the top 5!!! Another great episode Robyn :))

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    1. Thanks! I'll send you the complete DVD set once the series goes double platinum, or whatever happens to internet-based fake TV shows. :)

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  7. "Buzz, are any of our walls load-bearing?"

    I actually used to be a Structural Engineer in a previous career so this joke was a real home run for me.

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    1. What joke??? That was the only serious part of the whole episode - I really need to know, since I'm thinking of adding cathedral ceilings on the first floor.

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  8. Being a VERY recent follower (a week or so) I'd never read this serial before. I went back & read them all! I LOVE THEM!!

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    1. So glad to hear it - thanks so much! :)

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  9. Question: Will voting for you get you your double sinks?

    ReplyDelete
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    1. It won't NOT get me double sinks! Plus the votes make living without double sinks more bearable.

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  10. "You drink mojitos now, too?" asks Buzz,
    who was smart to avoid using the words "lush" or "intervention."

    I heart everything about these, I can't even begin to tell you. Genius...every line of this was my favorite..and the glorious one-liners. You've struck comedy gold, my friend.

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    1. Aw, thanks a bunch - that means a lot coming from such a funny lady like you, even though your brain is still lousy with residual pregnancy hormones and you probably haven't slept more than 20 minutes this week. ;)

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  11. Your blog should be the Top Mommy Blog even if just based on creativity alone. Love this series! I voted, of course. The exhaustive list of Magnolia's family's accolades cracked me up!

    BTW, Your comments on my posts are arriving in my inbox, but not showing up on my blog??? Just want you to know that I see them and appreciate them!!!

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Thanks so much for reading, and for voting!

      Glad to hear the comments are getting to you, one way or another! :) That Disqus stuff baffles me, so I'm sure it's a user error on my end. ;)

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  12. I think Buzz is actually right on track--shows tremendous savvy avoiding the term "lush", even if he did spaaz on the whole garage issue. Love that there is now a villianess in the loop, and wait a minute, this just occurred to me--can I now buy a really fancy dollhouse to play with and write it off as a blog expense? Not that I long for the toys of my childhood or anything...

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    1. My husband actually suggested that when I got in in my head that I need ALL THE DOLLHOUSE THINGS. As long as I get rich and famous, I can totally deduct those expenses... Luckily, for now, I've discovered my daughter's OTHER dollhouse at my mom's house - I feel a lot more visits to my mom's coming on. ;)

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  13. Is it wrong that my favorite line of this whole post is "I carry a wine glass with me everywhere," Sunny says dismissively.

    Ha, ha, ha... I love this series! You are a genius!

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    1. Thank you! I actually went back and photoshopped that wine glass in, because I felt like her character would probably smuggle wine with her on a house tour. NOT ME, mind you - Sunny's character. ;)

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  14. I can't wait to see the adorable mental hospital Buzz is destined for! I love this series.

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    1. Aw, thanks! I'd better get the kids started - I think I see a large-scale Lego build in their future. ;)

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  15. I am so in love with this blog post, I may have to have an affair with you, or Buzz, or Sunny.

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    1. Any one of us would be honored, Mrs. Tuna - honored. ;)

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  16. Oh my goodness, these are so clever and so hysterical! Can't wait for the next episode!

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    1. Thanks - so glad you liked it! I'm working on the next episode already . . . :)

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  17. I didn't notice the Hulk peering through the windows until I did a final scroll back through it. And honestly, it gave me the heebie jeebies a little. On pins and needles until the next one.

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    1. He's creepy, right? Hopefully the super-craptastic job I did Photoshopping him in made it look a little less threatening.

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  18. I love "Jimmy" peeking in the window. Brilliant detail!

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  19. Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant! (said in a British accent). Ah, how I love these episodes. I particularly loved how Sunny tried to pee in the tub. Classic.

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    1. British accent?? Fancy! I didn't even mean for her to be peeing in the tub originally - I had some other caption on that photo until I looked at that pic one time and thought, "Um, whatcha doing there, Sunny?" ;)

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  20. I didn't notice Jimmy in the window in the first pic, but I thought Buzz looked pretty spooked just in the way you had him set up and how you framed the pic. I couldn't agree more with your readers, Babe. This is pure genius.

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    1. Thanks! Just wait until they see the ATDT video you'll be making soon! And now it's in print, so you can't back out... :)

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  21. This is a turn of events I never saw coming. Like a true soap opera you have multiple story lines running. What will happen next?

    They make vessel sinks for dollhouses now?

    LOVE the description of the kids & the mom - I have a lot of those in my town. Everyone here is VERY talented.

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    1. Yeah, I'm a little ticked that the dolls' bathroom fixtures are nicer than mine. And I don't know how you survive; I don't think I could stand one Maggie, let alone a whole town full. "Talented," yes. One of your talents must be refraining from smacking people upside the head. ;)

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  22. ~snicker~ maybe Buzz never built her a bathroom because he was worried she might hurt herself peeing ;) (hey..hey..see what i did there?! when i make myself laugh i feel the need to point out to others that i think i may have said something clever)

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    1. Hahaha, I do the same thing (obviously). ;)

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  23. Oh.My.Hell.No.
    I just ignored my family for an hour so that I could read these!
    You are a riot!
    Kerry at HouseTalkN

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    1. I'm honored and sincerely hope it was worth it. :) Thanks!

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