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Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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A Mandatory Walk Down Matrimony Lane

Hey, remember how I'm married and stuff?

A picture of rings? you say. Well, then it must be true.

Yup, it's totally legal and legit, and we're even having an anniversary this week sometime to prove it. I'd tell you when, but it's really late at night right now and the first thing to stop functioning in my brain when I'm tired is whatever part holds the numbers. This means that by 11 PM I'm pretty useless for calendar dates or helping my daughter with her math homework. Which usually works out fine, since second graders probably shouldn't be up at this hour.

The reason I'm telling you this, and the reason why I'm writing in the middle of the night instead of lying in bed waiting for the baby to kick me in the spleen, is because it's Monday Listicles time over at Sasha's house, The Good Life. Her topic today is 10 Things About Weddings, so obviously I couldn't pass that up! Nor could I plan ahead and write this post at a decent time of day, because that, my friends, is not at all how I roll.

So here it is, my 10 Things About Our Wedding, complete with photos, since you've all been clamoring to see them (no you haven't):

1. We got married in a barn. It was much awesomer than it sounds.


2. Flip flops and a tiara always look super hawt - but even if you don't have time to make an appearance at WalMart, remember they're also appropriate attire for sneaking into the bar and snitching some wine before the guests arrive. Helpful tip: Don't let people with cameras follow you when you're stealing wine, even if you've hired people to follow you with cameras.


3. Gerry had to leave to take a shower (as you may recall, we were in a barn) and all the guests arrived before he came back. Here's me, calling just to double check that he's planning to return, before I go to all the trouble of squishing into my dress.


4. Speaking of the dress, I bought it on eBay. When it arrived, it didn't fit and no one within a two million mile radius would fix it because they didn't want to screw it up and risk having me go all bridezilla on them (fair enough). I eventually had to do it myself, even though I can't really sew, and thus spent the entire day terrified the seams would rip open at any moment and reveal all my steel-reinforced support garments.

5. Correction - I worried about it for about 20 minutes, which was how long it took for the wine to kick in. Here I am with one of my matrons of honor, expressing my deep concern over the structural integrity of my dress.


Her face has been blurred out, mostly because I want her to remain my friend; one can only assume she doesn't want to be associated with my dumb ass in a public forum.

6. All the kids were in the wedding, which went just peachy (except maybe for Zoe chatting with people in the front row during the ceremony). At the reception, Jake said it was the best day of his life! I got all melty - until he told me the reasons, which were a) that he got to ride in an elevator and b) he didn't have to rinse off his own dinner plate.


7. But COME ON - every wedding needs a little flower girl peeking out from behind a tree, amiright?


8. The next photo reveals a tender moment in the ceremony during our vows, when I believe my loving groom informed me I had snot running down my face from trying to stifle my joyous ugly cry.

He let me keep my used tissues in his jacket pocket.

That's love.


9. And then . . . The Kiss. So incredibly sweet.

I especially love how it looks like I have a goatee, and like my left boob has somehow escaped the confines of my dress, thwarting my multiple layers of fail-safe boob retention devices. Maybe it did.  Maybe I stood up outside a barn in a field full of our family and closest friends and flashed them all with a half rack of ribs. But if so, nobody said a word. God bless them all.


10. After all the planning, the missing groom, and the potential wardrobe malfunctions, at the end of the afternoon we had a party. And most importantly, we had each other. Forever.


We also had a DJ who played Prince's Erotic City for the enjoyment of our grandparents, but by then the bar had been open for a while and we were too drunk happy to care.

Happy anniversary, babe, whenever it is. I love you, and I'm really sorry about this post - you know how I get when I'm tired.



I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing - and so I don't get all lonely.


66 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. That's so awesome to hear and gives me huge smiles - thanks!

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  2. I laughed at the goatee!! I mean I did not notice it and went awwwww and then I read it and now I just cannot get it out of my head. Was there an elevator at the barn?
    Happy anniversary!!

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    1. I've come to terms with the fact that I'll never have a picture where I'm kissing my husband and don't look like I'm the one with facial hair. Sigh.

      The elevator was at my mom's hotel - I think the barn had some sort of weird cattle chute, but I didn't let the kids slide down it in their Good Clothes. ;)

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  3. I too chuckled quite gayly at the goatee. Awesome!! I want a barn wedding AND we want to include the kids. I would love to get some insider info on how exactly they were part of the ceremony. Loved the trip down memory lane! Happy anniversary!!

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    1. The barn wedding was perfect - there were even twinkle lights in the trees outside (cue: awwww). The older boys were the co-best men, and my kids were ring bearer and flower girl. One of the reasons I can say nothing went wrong is because we didn't really plan anything, which really reduces stress over things not going right. :) They did fine with someone just booting them down the aisle - Zoe might've even forgotten to drop any flower petals, but honestly I didn't care about any of that (thus the not planning). :)

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    3. I replied as you again. Fixed it.

      It was so loosey goosey that we didn't even have a specific time set for the ceremony. It was kind of, whatever time you roll in.

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  4. That looks like it was an awesome wedding! We had our reception in a barn. It worked well.

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    1. It was great, and nice to have the reception in the same place (we were too lazy for traveling to a second location). :)

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  5. My wedding kind of sucked (super preggo sick and judge didn't bother to show-it was a SIGN)...I think we need a do over and a barn in the middle of nowhere would be perfect!

    Happy Anniversary!

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    1. Aw man, that sucks. I call a re-do! For real, a barn in the middle of nowhere is the way to go. :)

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  6. Getting married in a barn sounds completely awesome to me! And yes, it totally looks like your boob escaped but surely it didn't. Someone would have said something...Surely.

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    1. SURELY! But no, the people most likely to deliver the bad news were my matrons of honor, and they were behind me. Oh well, I take comfort in the fact that my boobs aren't very memorable.

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    2. That is not true. And I would have noticed if one of them had made an appearance.

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  7. The goatee is a good look for you, really! Awesome post and happy anniversary :)

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    1. Thankyouthankyou! It's a good think I can rock the facial hair, since my daughter informs me I'm growing a moustache. :/

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    2. If you WERE growing a mustache then I could also grow one. And we could have dueling mustaches.

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    3. Now THAT'S an excellent visual image. ;)

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  8. HAHAHAHA!! You didn't have to blur out my face - I'm just glad that's the pic you posted and not some that were taken later that evening. Happy anniversary, you crazy kids! P.S. The barn was my favorite wedding venue EVER. xoxo

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    1. LOVE YOU! Strangely there is not a single photo in existence from later that night, which is too bad since I remember something about an 1980s movie-style dance-off . . . Hmmm, prolly for the best. ;)

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    2. As I recall, my dancing MAY have been cause for embarrassment.

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  9. Robyn, your are freakin' hysterical! Erotic City playing at your reception is priceless.

    Thank you for giving me my laugh for the day :)

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    1. Thanks! Hopefully the older set wasn't paying too much attention to the musical selection. :)

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  10. I love how Jake's explains that this is a special day! Gotta love kids!

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    1. They certainly have different criteria for Best Day Ever, don't they??? Believe me, now that he's older he isn't nearly as easy to please!

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  11. I have serious wedding picture envy. You've got some great shots!

    Happy anniversary to you!

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    1. Thanks! Prepare to get jealouser (it's a word) though - we didn't really have a photographer. My dad took the staged shots for us, and I just happen to have a lot of friends who are good at taking candids. We did this thang on the cheap! ;)

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  12. fantastically funny list and tha tis the prettiest barn I've ever seen. I searched desperately for your escaped boob.

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    1. HAHAHAHA! Don't look too hard - you already saw the barn and it's much more impressive.

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  13. Awwww, that's so sweet. Except for where you said shut up. That hardly ever comes out as sweet--believe me, I've tried. ;)

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    1. Me too, and you're right, it doesn't.

      P.S. Shut up. ;)

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  14. Hahaha!!! Happy Anniversary (whenever it is)! Love all of those pictures...and I never would have noticed about the left boob if you hadn't mentioned it. :)

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    1. Thanks! And I'm glad to hear you say that about the boob - I can only hope the same is true for the guests.

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  15. This is so beautiful. Love seeing the pics.

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  16. Happy anniversary! And your list is awesome - no wedding is complete without some serious weirdness. Seriously, though, your pics are lovely and looks like it was a great day.

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    1. For sure, and we were lucky enough to have just the right amount of weird. ;) Thanks!

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  17. I love your barn setting!I hope you pinned it. :) And you looked so beautiful that you totally pulled off the goatee. Ellen

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    1. It's sooo pin-worthy! I think that was prePinterest (can you believe there ever was such a time?) though I could write and pin a new post about wedding day she-goatee grooming. :)

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  18. That's very awesome. Happy anniversary! I'm wearing flip flops in your honor :)

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    1. Thanks! I should have just left them on all night - I wore them home, and they looked super sweet with the dress.

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    2. And I will be making a wine-raid in honor of your anniversary! Fantastic pre-wedding pic. Have a good one :)

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    3. Thanks! "Wine-raid" - great term; I've been having those all week (you know, in preparation for the celebration).

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  19. I went to a barn wedding once - was one of my favorite settings. So much character. Looks beautiful!

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    1. It was rustic and elegant and... Yes, it had character. Thanks for being here!

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  20. It was perfect. Best wedding ever. Happy Anniversary, Baby!

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  21. Any day that I get to ride in an elevator and don't have to rinse off my own plate is a pretty awesome day in my book too.

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    1. Hear, hear. The day had a couple of other good moments, too, but I couldn't argue with the boy that those weren't some pretty great times.

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  22. I loved this post. I love you and I all capital letters love that you played Erotic City at your reception. Also, the picture of the goatee/wardrobe malfunction made me laugh out loud to which my husband said, "WHAT?" and I said, "Just a post from a comedic genius about her perfect wedding." and he said, "Did something happen to her dress?" and I said, "You had to BE there!" Obviously, I wasn't, but, I wish I had been.

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    1. If only I'd known you back then - we totally would've schooled everybody at circle-dancing to Erotic City in formal wear (and flip flops). MuuAH!

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  23. Dying laughing at the goatee picture! Great walk through your wedding memories :)

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    1. Thanks! I consider myself a cautionary tale for other brides - ladies, shave your grooms before pictures!

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  24. Happy anniversary! I too, did the Ugly Cry of joy at my wedding. It was humiliating! Especially when no one could find a Kleenex. Sounds like you have some amazing memories - thanks for sharing them! Loved the pictures too!

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    1. Ha! One of Gerry's sisters had to sneak up in the middle of the ceremony and bring me a tissue. I'm glad I'm not the only one who didn't think to take some of my own. :)

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  25. Your wedding looked fabulous! This was a really cute post. The pictures were terrific. Very funny too!

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    1. Thank you so much! I'm hoping this post counts as a wedding scrapbook, since I still haven't finished mine.

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  26. Looks like so much fun! I loved reading it!

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    1. It was a great day! Thanks so much for being here and enduring my virtual slide show. ;)

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  27. Aaaaawww. So nice. I wanted to get married in a barn. Actually, I wanted to get married in a church in the woods (not a creepy church but a beautiful, old, rustic church w/ a huge window overlooking the forest. That was in college. When I actually got married years later I lived 2,000 miles away from that church so it wasn't the most practical location. Plus, I didn't know how to find it again anyway.

    Beautiful pictures too.

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    1. Thanks! That church sounds beautiful - I had a church picked out during college that I thought I'd try to use, too, but like you I ended up living too far away. Plus I got married in Vegas the first time, and I doubt Elvis would've traveled out to a remote church in the woods anyway.

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