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Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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Two Cars, Pirates, and a Random Doll Head

I know I should be grateful for my cars.  And I am.

Normally I ignore them, mostly because I never go anywhere.  But today's Monday Listicles prompt by the marvelous Stasha of The Good Life challenged me to not only think about my cars, but to think ten GOOD things about them,  which I have to say was really a stretch for me.

One of our cars is the old reliable(ish) standby - rugged, no frills, all-wheel-drive, our "good luck finding a cup holder but I'll get you through a blizzard" car.

The other is the kind of car that sounds fancy, but isn't fancy, so you get all of the razzing about having a yuppie car with none of the GPS, DVD players, or built-in popcorn machines. However, we got it through an auction for way less than it's worth, so even though it's not as luxurious as it seems, it's still way out of our league. Which brings us to the first of ten...


Fun Facts About My Cars You Didn't Already Know

1.  When our neighbor found out we got it for a bargain, he was relieved and admitted he'd previously assumed we were drug dealers. I'm glad we got that cleared up, because otherwise he'd no doubt be the first one turning up on our doorstep at 3AM looking for a "fix."

2.  The missing chunk of fender paint provides me with a daily reminder that you can't turn too sharply as you back out of our driveway in the winter, lest you scrape along the edge of the massive glacier left by a sadistic plow operator.

3.  There's a doll head in the arm rest console that Gerry once used to dress up the gear shift in such a way as to scare the crap out of me.  It continues to scare me every time I have to look in the console for a pen or an ATM envelope.

Welcome to the freaky nightmare
inside my arm rest.

4.  The paint color of one car is called Blue Onyx Pearl, which makes it sound like a pirate ship owned by Maybelline.

5.  The paint color of the other one is Wintergreen Mint, which sounds like the flavor of an antacid gum.

6.  I'll always have fond memories of the day I picked up the kids from daycare, only to find the transmission had decided to operate exclusively in reverse.

7.  Nothing brings a family of seven together like trying to cram themselves into a sedan.

8.  I'll know right away if there's an electrical short in the car, because I'm assuming the "service engine soon" light will finally go off.

9.  If I ever clean either of those cars out, I'll have enough stale Cheerios to support the nutritional needs of a large herd of buffalo, plus about 834 umbrellas, and all the toys that've gotten lost on various car trips, causing massive high-speed freak-outs in the backseat while I groped blindly in an attempt to locate said toys while I was driving, praying that I would never find out what mushy/wet/sticky things I was accidentally touching in the process.

10.  I happen to know for a fact that, if I'm in heavy labor with contractions 3 minutes apart and the hospital is normally over an hour away, Gerry can make our car go fast enough to get us there within 30 minutes.


It may not sound like it from the way I talk about them, but I do love those cars.  Their faults and quirks and imperfections are what make them unique - it's what make them mine.  I wouldn't have those cars any other way... sort of like the people who ride inside them.


You see what I did there?  Making it all sweet and schmaltzy at the end????
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61 comments:

  1. The doll head assures me that you and Gerry would fit right in with our friends. Lol.
    I find #9 to be oh so true. Except leprechauns on unicorns magically steal my 823 umbrellas when I get my biyearly haircut and it invariably rains. Ellen

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    1. Too true - after the longest dry spell we finally got a sudden storm, and of course all the umbrellas the kids usually rest their feet on were gone (???). All the melted fruit snacks were still there, though, that's for sure.

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  2. I laughed all the way through, but #8 had me in stitches! I must ask if you have spinning deems on the posh one?

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    1. Oh no, I'm not nearly posh enough for that! :)

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    2. I hate to be obtuse, but I have no idea what "spinning deems" are. Google wanted to know if I meant "spinning poems, spinning rims, spinning dream, or spinning drum."

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    3. I was assuming it was "spinning rims," but sometimes it sounds like they have a spinning drum back there!

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  3. I had a light blue car in college that everyone referred to as "Baby Blue". I would always correct them and say that the color's actual name was "Jet Fighter Blue". Of course I was lying, but I think people respected the car more because of it.

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    1. My car was nicknamed Blue Bird, which I liked to tell people was because it happened to be a Sunbird or because it swooped around at top speed like... whatever bird is really fast. But really it was because I got flipped the bird a lot when it broke down in front of people.

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  4. Seriously. That doll is scary. But it would probably scare away the drug seekers.

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    1. I didn't think of that! I should mount it in the car window - I'd probably get an insurance discount for having a theft-deterrent device.

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  5. #9 so good to know I'm not alone on the road....being in good company with well tuned screaming voices is a relief.

    That doll head? Way tooooo creepy. Blech

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    1. Right? Everybody talks about how dangerous texting and driving is, yet they make us keep our kids on the inside of the vehicle where we can hear their tantrums and occasionally have to listen to their insufferable radio stations.

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  6. I agree, that doll head is freaky!!!

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    1. You know what's worse? The hands and feet are in there, too. The day he "decorated" my car, he had those sticking off the radio knobs. That's something you can never unsee.

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  7. I'm going to have nightmares about that creepy doll head, thanks...maybe if you got rid of all of the cheerios, the doll head with starve to death?

    Those are awesome paint colors.

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    1. It's worth a try! Though she has odd powers that transcend Cheerios - for example, when I switched cars with my husband, she mysteriously switched cars, too. I don't think I can get rid of her too easily. :)

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  8. LOL, I did #2 the first winter I lived in MD. Understand, I lived in Central NY, the snow capital of NY for YEARS with nary an incident. Or dent. I felt pretty silly. We also never got it fixed.

    You car colors cracked me right up, along with the comment about the drug dealing. Just want I needed this AM. THANKS! ('Cause I KNOW you wrote funny stuff JUST. FOR. ME.)

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    1. You know it!!! :)

      The sad part is I didn't even realize I'd hit a glacier until much later - and then it took Gerry to notice the huge chunk of missing paint. THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS!

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    2. If we can afford to get that fixed, we'll be wealthy enough that we'll be giving that car to one of the kids, and then we won't bother anyway.

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  9. That doll head- freaky!
    Seven people in a sedan? Is that even legal, let alone comfortable?

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    1. Comfortable? No. Legal? Also probably no. I don't think we've ever enjoyed the success of getting all of us in at once, but that hasn't kept us from trying. ;)

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    2. It's fine. We just put the two middle children in the trunk. And before you get all bent out of shape, there IS a pass-through to the back seat. (completely blocked by the baby's car seat)

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    3. Dear Child Protective Services: I have no idea who this "Third Party" character is. When I put my children in the trunk, I make sure that the pass-through isn't blocked by removing the car seat and letting the baby ride on my lap. Thank you.

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  10. Your neighbor must have been so sad to find out you weren't drug dealers... also, I'm a little freaked out by that doll head...

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    1. I'm sure he was, though around here some days I wish we *were* drug dealers. Especially on days when I encounter the doll head.

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  11. I totally saw that doll at an antique store this weekend. CREEPY...seriously, how could little kids even play with those, unless they popped the heads off and drop kicked them?! Don't you love how car companies come up with the names of those colors? I suppose I'd be willing to do that if they paid me enough.

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    1. One believe they're in cahoots with the lipstick and nail polish people. It won't be long before we're driving cars that are Luscious Flirt Pink and Pouty Hooker Red (in high gloss, of course).

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    2. Boring Reply Warning:

      For the record, the one car really IS blue onyx pearl, insofar as it is a pretty perfect description of the color. It's a pearly black with a blue tint in low light, and a pearly blue with black tint in bright light.

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    3. ...and thus, Third Party displays his male-ness.

      Sorry, that didn't sound right at all.

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    4. actually, I think you nailed that one. Interpret as you'd like. And, yes, it's only a matter of time the two realize what they are doing, and start working for Crayola. The next thing you now, our children will be running around with a crayon call Blue Onyx Pearl and Pouty Hooker Red

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    5. That won't be good, because the baby likes to spill the crayons and walk on them, which will lead to a lot of, "No, baby, you broke my Pouty Hooker!" Nobody wants that.

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  12. That doll head is going to give me nightmares for DAYS...

    -Barb the French Bean

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    1. I apologize for that - it's true, it's an image that'll continue to pop into your head as you try to drift off to sleep for years to come.

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  13. Great post, Baby! #9 struck a chord with me. Grrrrrrrrrrrrross. I thought you loved the doll parts... guess I'd better not put the next round of stuff in there. Remember how I told you about the Roadkill Museum in Kansas? :/ I wish I were kidding about that.

    BTW, Maybelline pirate ship = classic.

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    1. I do love the doll parts - why else would I allow the head into the house to have her photo taken?

      I was assuming you already did your Roadkill Museum prank - maybe one of the kids just spilled expired milk in there somewhere.

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  14. The part about the Cheerios sounds just like the back seat of my car! I'm pretty sure all the missing mittens and sip cups live there somewhere, too. Now if I could just bring myself to clean out that back seat and take it to the car wash...

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    1. Ooh, ooh, take mine, too!

      I never thought to look for the mittens back there...!

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  15. That doll head would have scared the living crap out of me! If I got into my car and saw that sitting on my shifter? Someone would be in serious trouble. #1 made me laugh out loud. Sometimes these things just need to be said. Loved the list!

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    1. Not only was the head on the shifter, but the hands and feet were stuck on the radio knobs - and this was before we were married, so I can't even pretend I didn't know what I was getting into. :)

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  16. Sounds like my kind of cars. And we always joked that with some of the cars I've had, everyone lets me over because they are afraid by the looks of the car -- I don't carry insurance.

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    1. That is one nice thing about having a beater, isn't it? I almost sort of miss having a car that scares people. :)

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  17. The doll head is creepy. And I love that it's still in your car. That's so like something I would do - have something that annoys me in my car but not bother to remove it :)

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    1. I have a love/hate relationship with the head; unfortunately the dumb thing has sentimental value. :)

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  18. #6 reminded me of fond memories of my last sedan,how did you manage to get home? My problem was one day it refused to go in reverse. It was a very complicated drive home that day including the pushing it out of the parking spot while someone steers and it's in neutral. Never thought that I would say that I love the van we replaced it with! But I do Love my van!

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    1. Oh man, I'm ready for my van! I had to turn the car on and off several times - for some reason one time I turned it on, suddenly first gear worked one last time. I had to get a new transmission, so I think I have to keep driving it until I get my money's worth. Sigh.

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  19. The doll head freaks me out. Oh my word.....

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  20. #9! Yes! A third world country would be fed with all the goldfish crackers I have strewn all over the car. And the mystery sticky stuff? I don't want to know either!

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    1. I forgot about the goldfish crackers (which, incidentally, my daughter told me is her favorite kind of fish). :)

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  21. The doll head would scare the crap out of me! It's creepy looking even on the web.

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    1. It's so creepy I turned it upside down (you know, so it couldn't look at me), which is how I discovered that the back of its hollow head is about 1000 times creepier than the front. ::shudders::

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  22. Like everybody else here...almost couldn't get past #3!!! And just who comes up with these names for car colors?!?!?

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    1. I wish I knew... ::shakes head slowly::

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  23. That doll head is creepy! And its good to know you guys aren't drug dealers but drive a drug dealer car? All I picture is a black Cadillac with shiny rims lol

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    1. That would be SWEET! Naw, it's a Lexus, and there's nothing on it that's shiny. ;)

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  24. #8 kills me. I just spent 2 years battling that damn thing!

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    1. Are you supposed to DO something about it? That could explain a lot of my car problems...

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  25. I would love to leave a witty comment but I'm too busy laughing hysterically. That doll head is WICKED!

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    1. Tell me about it! It's still on my table, following its photo shoot - Maddie picked it up this morning and laughed, but when Jake saw it he wouldn't go near it!

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