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Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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Friday, August 10, 2012

My Coffee Betrayed Me

I awoke at 4:30 AM to the sensation of a baby-sized finger being deftly inserted under my eyelid.
Oh, good.  Maddie's up. 
That's cool, three hours of sleep should be plenty.
"Oh, sorry - did I wake you?"

Somehow she knows when I've been up really, really late, and those are the mornings she decides to set her circadian alarm clock to go off roughly two hours before the sun drags itself reluctantly over the horizon.  I'm not sure how she detects my extra exhaustion, but I suspect it's achieved using the same Baby Radar that alerts her when one of her parents so much as thinks  about sexy time, and which causes her to suddenly need all the things.
She clearly wants to keep us as drowsy and disoriented as possible.  Advantage: Baby.
Stumbling around in search of a flatish diaper-changing surface, I greeted the day with all the enthusiasm usually reserved for root canals and accidental electrocution.  Always one to look on the bright side (shut up - in my head, that's how I am), I focused on the fact that I would soon be enjoying a rich, delicious cup of coffee, fortified with the RDA of caffeine my foggy brain cells so desperately craved.

That's when I realized something.
Sometimes the best part of waking up IS Folgers in your cup.
This seemed sort of profound at first.  I felt an odd kinship with the marketing department at Folgers - These people really GET me,  I marveled.  Quickly, however, the extraordinarily pathetic nature of that thought brought me back to reality.

I shook it off, reasoning that it was just the exhaustion turning me into an insane person (hopefully only temporarily).  Plus I realized, with great relief, we don't even drink Folgers.  Lately I've been making some fancy gourmet coffee, thanks to the fact that we accidentally purchased whole bean coffee once, but only recently purchased a coffee grinder.
Checkmate, Folgers,  I thought, even though it didn't make any sense.
That's when I decided my brain was hopeless and I was going to let coffee do all my talking for me from now on.

But not this coffee.  Frankly, this coffee tasted kind of terrible.  I was glad the bag was almost empty - back to my trusty old non-fancy coffee soon!  As the pot brewed, I checked the front of the bag to see what the brand was and what kind of French Roast Vienna Breakfast Blend Java Supreme flavor it claimed to be so we could avoid buying it again.  But...

Oh.  My.  God.


So help me, I'll get you for this, Columbia.*


Please click the button below to vote, while I eat Maxwell House directly from the plastic jug with a soup spoon to make up for my caffeine deficiency.
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*I mean, "Colombia." That's another strike against you for (as I see it) spelling the name of your country wrong, and 50 points for my smarty pants readers for being super smart. 



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49 comments:

  1. As a heavy relier upon the Buck o' Stars for any sort of coherency before noon, my heart broke for you reading this post...it is possible that zombie-like hilarity will ensue due to your befuddled state, though, so maybe the next post you write will be your funniest yet...and next up in Maddie's bag of impressionistic talents is apparently Ernest Borgnine ;)

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    1. I can only hope that hilarity will be the result - the other option is going on a cranky rampage, in which case my next post will probably come to you from County Lock-up.

      P.S. Ernest Borgnine - ha!

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  2. Nooooooooooo! Those Colombians have got a lot of nerve. A LOT of nerve. I am sorry for your loss. *moment of silence*

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    1. I'm glad you understand my pain. I will call on you when we're ready to descend upon Columbia.

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  3. This is the saddest post I have EVER read. How LONG? HOW LONG? I mean, this could be weeks without caffeine. How are you still alive? How are the CHILDREN still alive? Dear Lord, the horror.

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    1. OH MY GOD, THE CHILDREN! I forgot to check on the children!!!

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  4. First, I'm not a coffee drinker so your description of how you felt with the foggy brain cells and all is kind of how I feel all the time.

    Second, I plan on not getting any work done today because I now need to know how to spell Colombia. Living in a city that is on the Columbia river I had always thought the country was spelled that way too. But your inferior decaf coffee is claiming it's spelled with an 'o'. A quick google search has one site saying the country is spelled with an 'o' while another site is saying 'u'.

    Or maybe I'll just go home and take a nap.

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    1. Please report back pronto; I really, REALLY want to know, but not badly enough to look it up. My guess is the inferior coffee producers are also inferior spellers, but that's just a hunch.

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  5. Explain this to me... how's it "European" AND "Colombian?"

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    1. I didn't even see that?! How IS that possible?

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    2. Excellent question! I gouged my eyes out in horror when I read the decaf part, so I didn't even notice they'd moved Columbia/Colombia to Europe!?!?

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  6. You got get Columbia, girl. Go and GET Columbia!

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    1. They think I won't come after them, but they have no idea how demented I've become sans caffeine.

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  7. NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *Dramatically shakes fist at the heavens*

    And, despite being a reasonably well-educated adult, I, too, just realized that the country is Colombia, whereas everything else is apparently Columbia.

    If they were going to give you decaf, it should have at least included some cocaine. (I kid.)

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    1. Whaaaaat? When did this Colombia stuff start? And what was I doing in college that made me miss this valuable piece of information? And how am I going to get rid of the Perfectionist Stress Sweat of having an error in my post???

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  8. Okay, not to side with Columbia here, but you should try switching to decaf. When you're a decaf-only person, regular caffeinated coffee is like jet fuel. It's fun. And scary.

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    1. I'm going to back you up on that one - I don't know how long I'd been off the caff, but I did end up making a pot of regular this morning and as a result I feel like hummingbirds are having seizures in my brain.

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  9. Columbia is a university in NY.
    Colombia is a country in South America.
    Why do you and Christian insist I learn something during my mindless blog reading time? Sheesh!
    p.s. Blame your typo on caffeine deprivation. It will hold up in court, I promise.

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    1. I know, I was disappointed to learn something, too. And I'm counting on the old Decaf Defense for a LOT of the charges pending against me. ;)

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  10. LOL!!! I can relate to this post. My daughter, and might I add she is almost 4, has been getting up a few times EVERY night! ZONG!!!!

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    1. Aaaack! I'd blocked that stuff out about my older kids, so I'm still in denial that I have years of this ahead of me.

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  11. It's just my opinion, but I think decaf coffee should be illegal. They make water come out of a tap just for people who don't want caffeine.

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    1. Yeah, where's our coffee tap???? That's discrimination.

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  12. Before I get to the Columbia-Gate controversy, let me say that I literally laughed out loud at this. I could picture you realizing that it was decaf. Hilarious. Thanks for the laugh, Baby.

    Technically, Colombia is spelling it wrong, being named for Columbus and all. But then it's really Spain's fault, (isn't everything?) since it was named FOR Columbus but BY King Ferdinand IV of Spain. And the Spanish spell Columbus "Colombo" because they're allergic to the letters "u" and "s." Check-checkmate, Columbia.

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    1. I knew it! Thank you, professor. ;)

      I'm curious, did you know it was decaf? Please say no - I don't want to have to lump you in with the Colombo-ians.

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  13. Hysterical!!! All of it. New follower! :)
    Devan

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    1. Yay! Thanks so much, glad you're here! :)

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  14. Ahahahaha! You are hilarious! I'm loving your blog every morning.

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    1. Thanks! That makes me the kind of happy that doesn't require liquid drugs. :)

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  15. I rushed to my pantry as soon as I read this to make sure that I, too, was not being duped by the "Colombians." For once, it seems, Lady Luck was on my side as the word "decaf" was nowhere to be found and I was once again assured of a quick jolt of caffeine to the brain before my boys woke up. I am currently in negotiations with world leaders to develop a ban on decaf and the simultaneous invention of a coffee iv drip. Will keep you updated.

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    1. Please do - and if you need a delegate to accompany you on a kid-free promotional tour of Europe, I think I can clear my schedule.

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  16. Why??????????? Why would coffee do that to you? Decaf? Decaf? That's like a cardinal sin against mothers. I type this as I lovingly pat my Aldi brand coffee on it's beautiful, caffeinated forehead.

    On another note. When the twins were a little bit smaller, Husband and I would sit and wonder at how they managed to schedule their most early wake times for the exact evenings we MAYBE decided to stay up until midnight or one. Or have any adult time at all. I swear it's some sort of radar. Nothing else makes sense.

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    1. I know, if there was one thing on Earth I could count on, it was coffee. Well, that and the kids getting up early when I stayed up late. How DO they know???

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  17. NooooOOOOooooOOOO! That is the ultimate knife in the back! The horror! I've been there. One time I woke up all pissed and groggy and my hubby handed me my cup of joy juice. I drank three before I decided I needed to go back to bed--it wasn't working today. Matt was all, "What's WRONG with you? You had THREE cups!" That's when I decided to look at the bag, and sure enough, decaf it was. The horror.

    Definitely voting for your blog :) I'm seriously loving all your posts--wish I had discovered it sooner!

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    1. So unfair - if they insist on continuing to take the caffeine out of coffee, couldn't they at least put it in another aisle or something? When I'm busy wrenching the bag on mini Snickers away from one kid while another tries to do a death-leap out of the cart, I don't have the time to read package details.

      Thanks a million for voting - I'm so glad you're here! ;)

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  18. You had me at "Oh good. (The baby)'s up." So now definitely, after this egregious Columbian/European transgression, I am officially continuing my love affair with Folgers.

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    1. Glad to help! I hope Folgers reads this- I think they owe me some money.

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  19. OMG! I was just lying in bed the other morning and smelled the coffee brewing. I thought about that Folgers commercial and how they really just KNEW how it was. The best part of waking up, is Folgers in your cup! But I don't drink Folgers either! How crazy is that?!? LOL-- I am into this 13 dollar a pound coffee that is locally roasted and it is HEAVEN in a cup! This post is hilarious, glad I found your blog!!

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    1. I'm glad you did, too! I'm coming to your house in the morning, though - your coffee sounds waaaayyyyy better than mine. :)

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  20. The horrors! I hope you ran out and got some caffeine stat!

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    1. The sad part was that I HAD fully caffeinated coffee RIGHT THERE, but I'd been drinking that other kind (spits in disgust) without realizing it was decaf. I didn't hesitate to dump out the fresh decaf and brew a pot of the good stuff. :)

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  21. Oh noooooooooooooooooooooo! After 3 hours of sleep, that's so brutal!

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    1. I know! The only reason I was able to bring myself to blog about it right away was because I had a brand new, unopened container of fully leaded coffee on hand - if I'd had to wait to get the juice, I would've lost my sense of humor about it pretty quickly. ;)

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  22. noooo!!!!!!! say it isn't so!!! it should be illegal to not put decaff in bright neon bags. they should come with warning labels.

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    1. Neon bags are a great idea - plus they could add thorns to the outside of the packaging to get your attention and make sure you noticed the neon (sometimes I need a little extra help). :)

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  23. LOL! You poor thing! Coffee was the only thing that got me through my day when my kids were the age that your kids are. If I had been faced with a decaf bag of beans, I'm pretty sure I would have gone postal. Best coffee post ever! Thanks for the laugh.

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    1. Thank you for the words of solidarity. :)

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  24. We have a month-old baby in addition to a 2, 4, and 6-year-old. My need for coffee is insane these days... so I not only laughed when I read your post, but remembered this Dave Barry quote I bet you'd appreciate:

    “It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity.”

    Hope things are looking up for you!

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    1. I love Dave Barry! I only wish I'd taken his book, Babies and Other Hazards of Sex, more seriously.

      Best of luck to you with all those littles - maybe the 6yo could be in charge of making sure the coffee pot's always full. :)

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