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Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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I'm Having Dead People For Dinner

Ahhhh, dinner.  The last meal of the day (aside from dessert, and late-night snack time, and second dessert, and "one more handful of Pringles before bed" time).

It's a time to reconnect with your family in the evening and discuss the day's events, just long enough to remember why you'd been ignoring them all day.  A time to repeat yourself eleventy thousand times about the importance of eating over our plates and not tipping back in our chairs.  A time to break out the classiest Styrofoam bowls you can find, get cozy in your hand-me-down Batman pajamas, and really go to town on some spaghetti.

I gave  her a napkin.
What, I'm supposed to make her use  it, too?

But sometimes dinner is something else entirely.  Occasionally, a group of adults will gather around a table, using wine glasses made of actual glass, eating impossibly tiny food with names I can only say in my fake French accent, and almost always saying, "Excuse me" after expelling any sort of bodily gas.

I know, I didn't believe it either, but according to Google it's true.  It's called a "dinner party," and despite the way it sounds there generally aren't streamers, they're rarely held at Chuck-E-Cheese, and (most importantly) the hostess traditionally gets a gift - often a bottle of wine.   It sounds positively delightful.

In that spirit, Stasha has presented another interesting Monday Listicles prompt: 10 people (living or dead) you would invite to a dinner party.  I'm totally on board with that, as long as somebody else is cooking.  And cleaning up.  And everybody gets the hell out as soon as dinner's over.


People I'd Invite To Dinner
which probably would've been a better title for this post

1. My husband
He carries the conversation when I get introverted, or when I can't contribute to a discussion about current events because the current event in question doesn't involve my baby's digestive system, or when I just generally embarrass myself.  This has a roughly 100% chance of happening, so I'm going to need him there.  Plus, what I don't  need are 50 years of, "Hey, remember that time you had a magical dinner party and you didn't invite me?" followed by hints that the roof needs to be reshingled.
2. Leonardo da Vinci
A) Um, because, genius  and 2) I bet he could teach me Italian in about three minutes, which is almost as fast as that Rosetta Stone program but cheaper, and III) I want the other guests to think I'm smart and cultured.
3. Oprah
Because I bet she would bring an over-the-top hostess gift (like maybe TWO bottles of wine!) and would probably feel compelled to give me my own show on the O Network before we finished our soup.
4. Will Ferrell
I'd want him there to say grace, á la Talladega Nights  (assuming it wouldn't confuse da Vinci, who probably never saw the movie).  I will also request that Mr. Ferrell dress as Alex Trebek* during the salad course, then call Sean Connery on speaker phone and force him to play Celebrity Jeopardy.

*Under no circumstances will the real Alex Trebek be allowed to attend.
5. Katherine Hepburn
To class up the joint.
6. Neil Patrick Harris
He just seems funny and like a genuinely nice guy. If he's busy, maybe he can send Tom Hanks or Harrison Ford.
7. Justin Bieber
Because somebody   has to clean out the garbage disposal when it gets jammed, plunge the toilet, and act as a wheel wedge in case one of the other guests parks on a hill. If there's time, he can spend the rest of dinner composing a written apology for existing, because that's what you get for making 7-year-old girls feel like they need to practice kissing and shave their legs. If you think that's harsh, JB, just wait until you have a daughter. 
8. Shakespeare
I want Mr. S to know that I kept all my Shakespeare anthologies from college, which had nothing to do with the fact that they cost $50 each  yet the bookstore only offered to buy them back for $7.  So I've been lugging them around enjoying their artistry all this time, including during my many, many moves throughout the years.  FYI, those books weigh easily eleventyhundred thousand pounds each, thanks to the fact that even his sonnets are a jillion pages long - I'm just saying, that's a lot of artistry to pack and unpack.  So mostly I guess I'm looking for an apology more than anything else.
9. Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain)
One word: folksy.   He's in charge of summing up our dinner party antics in a clever little saying I can crochet onto a pillow.
10. You
C'mon - you guys have been listening to me ramble for what probably feels like forever (to you).  You know all about my massive kitchen failures and how I'm falling apart from the ground up, and all my other deep, dark, extremely public secrets.  It's high time we got together - it just wouldn't be the same without you.  Cheesy?  Perhaps.  You can roll your eyes when you get here, I won't mind.
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Then maybe you could come over and stir the lobster bisque pâté while I finish burning the portabella-wrapped pheasant.
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49 comments:

  1. So what time should I be there?

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    1. Really I'm always eating, so you come over whenever it's convenient and we'll call whatever I happen to have out "dinner," though I warn you it might just be Doritos and ranch dressing with a side of Skittles.

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    2. sounds like a well balanced meal.

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  2. I'll be on the next plane over. Wear something sexy...

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    1. I'm sorry, did you say "wear yoga pants with a ratty t-shirt and don't wash your hair?" Done!

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  3. Mark Twain. Now I hope he would be as funny in person as he was with his written word. Good list.

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    1. Thank you! I hope so, too - that'd be such a let down if all your carefully selected dinner guests turned out to be jerks. It sort of ruins the admiration, doesn't it?

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  4. Ok, ok, I'll come, but i'd like to sit next to Shakespeare and talk about classy things like bear baiting. Also, I'd prefer to skip the fungus wrapped pheasant.

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    1. Okay, but I'm not promising I can break the habit of telling everyone at the table they have to try at least three bites.

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  5. Heck Ya I am coming and I call sitting next to Will, I promise not to spew wine thru my nose because of his funniness & I love that you always throw in the eleventy times I tend to use that one alot on my children & they swear it makes them more mad then if I said a million! I am brushing up on my table manners right now see ya soon!! oh almost forgot....thanks for the invite :))

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    1. Spewing wine through our noses will be encouraged, if not mandatory.

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  6. Anybody who thinks Justin Beiber is only good for unclogging the toilet is automatically my hero for life. Little twerp that he is.

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    1. Yay! So glad you agree. I think as a party game we should all write demeaning tasks on slips of paper and make him pick out of a jar until we feel justice has been served. ;)

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  7. I would suggest the title be "I'm Having Dead People OVER for Dinner," as otherwise things could get really weird really quickly ;)

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    1. Eh, I like to keep my options open. You know, in case da Vinci starts mouthing off.

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  8. I love Neil Patrick Harris. You could have him and his twins!

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    1. Yes! How could I have forgotten the twins?!? To make it up to them, they can have noting but ice cream sundaes for dinner and they can each kick Bieber twice in the shins.

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  9. Haha, love your reasons for including Justin. Still laughing!

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    1. Ha - I figured it might be my only chance to get revenge. :)

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  10. Hi, I am just stopping by to let you know that I nominated you for the Versatile Blogger Award! Please stop by Crafty Spices to claim your well-deserved prize and get more details. Have a fantastic day!
    www.craftyspices.com

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Thank you very much - I'm flattered!

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  11. In my original list I had Neil Patrick Harris, but then my husband got involved in my list, and it took a different turn...

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    1. I sure know how that can be. ;) You can sit next to him at my party!

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  12. I just love that picture! I keep going back to it and laughing...the belly laugh. It gets funnier each time. Of course I didn't have to clean her up but its still hysterical!

    Irishman made my list. I couldn't have an awesome dinner party without my best sidekick!

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    1. Love that we both included our best sidekicks! :)

      Oddly, I don't remember her being that hard to clean up - but then agaid I was younger then, with a lot more energy!

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  13. This is a party of the century. Even if you are serving spaghetti out of styrofoam and boxed wine, I woul not miss it for the world. Love JB bit. Nah, love it all!

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    1. Ha - thanks! We probably WOULD have boxed wine and spaghetti out of styrofoam, but only because I'd scorched the first dinner and broken half the plates. ;)

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  14. what are the possible options for, like, roller derby musical chairs for the seating arrangements? falling back on my oh-so-stellar word problem skills, it seems i may have an issue trying to sit next to Will Ferrell, Neil Patrick Harris, Shakespeare AND you...

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    1. I thought of that, and that's why I'll be serving dinner on the whirling Teacup ride. Then everybody gets to sit next to everybody!

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  15. I'm totally coming to your dinner party. Can I sit next to Oprah? Pretty please? I'll bring wine....

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    1. Yes, because you said the magic word (wine, of course). :)

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  16. I'm in! Find out what Leonardo drinks and I'll stop at the liquor store on my way.

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    1. You're my favorite kind of guest. :)

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  17. Seriously, could you imagine Oprah's hostess gifts? You should definitely invite her, even if you would have to feed her whole entourage. It would so be worth it--you might score a car or like, 10 pashmina scarves or something...

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    1. We'd ALL be getting gifts - halfway through the shrimp scampi she'd be telling us to look under our chairs, yelling, "YOU'RE getting a sack of diamonds, YOU'RE getting a sack of diamonds, YOU'RE getting a sack of diamonds!" I can't wait to see da Vinci squealing like the rest of us.

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  18. That is just the most amazing picture! She is loving her some mother effin spaghetti!

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    1. Totally! We'd just moved, and that was the first home-cooked meal she'd had in weeks because I'd finally unpacked the pots and pans (hadn't found the bowls yet, evidentially).

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  19. This was absolutely hilarious! I voted for you on top mommy blogs. Great post!

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    1. Thank you so much! Those votes really make a difference, and I get a goofy thrill when my rating goes up. :)

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  20. Thanks for inviting me first, baby! I'm sitting by you.

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  21. Definitely Oprah. She might give you your own country or something.

    Still have all my Shakespeare plays. They were only worth a quarter when I went to sell them back. I wouldn't let William be insulted like that. At an institution of higher learning, too.

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    1. They should be ashamed, shouldn't they???

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  22. I would like to sit next to Shakespeare. And if/when he starts getting all uppity a little too full of himself I'll start talking about how J.K. Rowling is the greatest British author of all time.

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    1. Good thinking - that'll show him! Don't forget to rub it in da Vinci's face that he didn't get a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle named after him. Chump.

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  23. Umm...so what I take from this is that you're making me dinner tomorrow? Ok, I'll be there. I'll need directions and time to clean my good yoga pants. Are bolo ties still in fashion?

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    1. Honey, you can wear whatever you want. When I was eight months pregnant, I'd have probably opted for the tablecloth.

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