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Friday, August 31, 2012

I made a splash at the store. On my pants.

As I expected, I didn't reach any of the self-imposed goals I imposed upon myself this week, which means the post I intended to post today isn't finished yet.

And believe me, it's always in your best interests to wait until I've had time to edit what I write (please see horrible un-edited sentence, above).

So instead, I'm going to tell you a quick story and then get right back to building Legos with the kids and then sneaking into the pantry to eat peanut butter Oreos working really hard.


Last night, Gerry and I needed some groceries - but good  groceries, not the stale, picked-over junk they have near here, where the dairy aisle smells vaguely of hard-boiled eggs and there isn't a single package of ground beef that's completely enclosed in plastic.

So we drove thirty minutes to what we call the Gucci Grocery, a place on the good side of town (actually, in a different state) where at least they occasionally rotate the bowls of macaroni salad in the deli.

After a lengthy stint in the car with an opinionated baby (I hate these straps. I want a snack. The sun's in my eyes. I like that song. This song is too loud. I can't hear the song. I hate these straps. Get these straps oooffffffffff meeeeee! NOWWWWW! I want the window down. Not that far down. What? I don't want to get out of the car!) we arrived at the Gucci Grocery. We selected a cart, and began our futile attempts to get her into the cart seat. Of course she immediately grew fourteen extra limbs, half of which were made of limp spaghetti noodles while the other half were in various stages of petrifaction.

In spite of all the extra effort I'd put into humiliating myself in front of strangers by coaxing my Bootsy Bunsen Burner (the kid has a lot of nicknames) into the cart using my most saccharin cutesy voice, we gave up and made our way into the store with the baby riding on Gerry's hip.

That's when, right there in the Cart Corral, the ice cold can of Mountain Dew that Gerry had brought for his own refreshment fell into the cart.
Did you know that the slight force exerted on a can of soda by a short drop into a grocery cart will cause it to burst open? No? Were you aware that it can create a forceful, highly localized spray before you even have time to react? It's true. And I'm here to tell you that, if you're the one pushing the cart, you will receive the full contents of the 12 ounce can - directly in the crotchular area.
I stood there in sticky, dripping disbelief. There was no way we were going straight home without groceries after coming all that way, and besides, Gerry was in no condition to drive; for some reason my eye darts were doing nothing to stop his laughter-induced convulsions. Plus I might've strangled him a little when he caught his breath and choked out his sympathetic reaction, "NOW what am I gonna drink?"*

So I spent the next hour walking around the Gucci Grocery with Mountain Dew soaking the front of my threadbare khakis, getting You Peed Your Pants side-eyes from all the ladies who wore full makeup, pencil skirts, and jewelry to shop for their organic granola.

I apologize that there's no photo, but really, you should thank me. It was obscene.

Please, someone out there tell me this has happened to you... Have you ever been stuck in public with pee pants, real or accidentally simulated? Wardrobe malfunction? Unknowingly sat in a bowl of pudding? I feel a need for some commiseration here, please!

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*For the record, I didn't really  strangle him.  He's too tall.  Plus I was laughing too hard to get a good grip.

Linkety Linked with Finding the Funny on My Life and Kids and Kelley's Break Room!


I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing - and so I don't get all lonely. I get extra-pathetic when I'm lonely.


68 comments:

  1. WHAT ARE PEANUT BUTTER OREOS?!? We don't get ANY of the good stuff up here.

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    1. Are you kidding me??? They're delicious Oreos with peanut butter filling and YOU HAVE TO EAT THEM IMMEDIATELY. Can I send some to you without getting arrested for introducing non-native snacks to the Canadian ecosystem? I'd hate to upset the delicate cookie balance.

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    2. You could, but we'd have to buy some and then send them to Canadica, and we all know we're not going to do that.

      And yes, I'm calling it "Canadica" now. Also, I love that the PB Oreos are what we're focused on here.

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    3. It's true, Jen O. I'm sorry, but PB Oreos would never make it out of the house once they came in. Unless I was hiding in the car to eat them all by myself, which is actually a really good idea now that I think about it.

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    4. Never heard of the peanut butter Oreos either & I live in the states. Is it only found at the Gucci Grocery store?

      LOVE crotchular area. Will most definitely be including that into my everyday vocabulary.

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    5. I can't find them anymore, either - clearly a plot perpetrated by the Oreo people to slowly (or not so slowly) drive me insane.

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  2. I feel you on the limp spaghetti noodled and petrified limbs(inspired visual references)! I hope to make you feel better...I once sat through an entire little league baseball game showing off the entire left side of my too cute black/white polka dot bra! Didn't realize baby boogie had pulled down my tank top while I was holding her! Not cool other baseball moms for not helping this momma out!

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    1. Totally not cool - what's this world coming to when we can't count on fellow mamas to point out the exposure of our frilly underthings??? Thank you for sharing - if nothing else, at least you know your polka dot bra incident brought a smile to the heart of this blogger - as well as a lot of the guys at the little league game, no doubt. ;)

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  3. I walked around an amusement park with red soaking through my shorts... my WHITE shorts. That wasn't too bad. Nobody noticed... until we went on the water ride, got soaked and it ran up my backside. I was mortified, as everyone including the boys noticed. I was in the 6th grade. :(
    Feel any better, now?

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    1. Awwww! I was chuckling a little, I must admit, until I saw the words "6th grade" - then suddenly it went from Oopsie to Oops I'm Scarred For Life. I'm so sorry for you - I'd take Mountain Dew pants any day over that, but especially at that age! :(

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  4. I think Kim's story about spilling her own pee on her pants beats your Mountain Dew crotch.
    http://www.inthepowderroom.com/read/the-edge/2012-08-cup-of-patience-and-pee.html
    Except for showing all of Sea World my underwear, I don't have any stories about wet pants. However, there are few meals I enjoy without getting food on my shirt (I'm seriously worse than my kids). I often walk around with some kind of stain in the boobular area for the whole world to admire. It's so common that I just look down, go "Oh well" and proceed with my day because if I changed my shirt that would quickly suffer a similar fate. Better two stains on 1 shirt than 1 stain on 2 shirts. That's what I always say.

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    1. Strangely, I always say that, too!

      I was also going to link your Victoria's Secret striped peek-a-boo pants episode but I couldn't find it before the baby started screaming (something about being hungry, blah blah blah).

      And I was going to link to Kim's post about ripping the seat out of her pants - http://letmestartbysayingblog.com/2012/05/08/yet-again-i-show-strangers-my-ass/ - though your reminder of her In The Powder Room story makes me realize that starting to link to all you crazy gals would've taken me all damn day. Also that a lot of us have serious pants issues.

      I think both your stories beat my Dew crotch (sounds wrong) - my undies were probably showing, too, but they weren't striped. ;)

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  5. Hilarious! Absolutely hilarious!

    Oh, and I've seen the women in their pencil skirts and their full make-up just to buy some groceries. Me? I'm in jeans and converse w/my hair in a bun. I might have had chapstick on. Maybe...

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  6. I regularly shop at our Gucci Grocery because, not only do they have better, fresher food than their local counterpart, but they also have DAY CARE. I get an hour and a half, 90 blissful minutes, I could put down the delightful seconds but that would require pen and paper or a calculator, both of which are within reach but would necessitate me actually moving from my comfy position slouched down in the office chair with my feet up and the laptop on my lap...wait, where was I? Oh, yes, daycare in the grocery store. The kids have to be 3 years old, but DON'T have to be potty trained. So as SOON as Little G turns 3 in March, I will pretty much be there E V E R Y D A Y, hanging in the cafe, enjoying a beverage and scone, maybe. Reading a book, or perhaps, just maybe, finally start the blog everyone keeps telling me to start. There is much good in the Gucci Grocery. Much.

    Oh, and get a sling. I can't shop without my Ergo. Big guy goes to the day care, Little guy goes in the sling...I don't know how I ever shopped any other way!

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    1. A daycare at the freaking grocery?!?!? I'd be willing to drive to where you live for that kind of amenity. No question.

      I miss my sling so very, very much. But my baby is gigantic (in an adorable way) and far exceeds the weight limit. Boo!

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  7. Wait... they make peanut butter oreos?

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    1. I can't believe how many of you out there have been living without PB Oreos! You guys need to start a support group or something!

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  8. A funny but not funny moment to be sure! At least you got a blog post out of it ;)

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    1. Truly! I think my outlook on life has improved greatly since starting this blog, because even the worst situations at least have that one silver lining. ;)

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  9. Our Gucci-style grocery abolished the daycare...hmm. If I run to the store in my yoga pants and old t-shirt, I feel so like the "other side of the tracks" girl. And usually, there is something that either I or the kid have spilled on that shirt...like all the time.

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    1. Same here - sometimes there's nothing you can do but embrace it, play it up, even. It gives the Gucci Girls something to titter about at their next luncheon.

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  10. We were driving to the poshity posh East Side (they really do capitalize it around here) to see a friends band play an outdoor concert. Wanting to straight rep the West Siiiiide (and the kid says I have no street cred...pi-SHAW) I opted for nice khaki pants instead of jeans. He was all excited when we got there and climbed from the backseat to the front with an open bottle of dark chocolate milk, and promptly spilled it all down by backside. Yup, I repped our side of the tracks by totally looking like I sh*t myself...

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    1. Mmpfff hmmphhh... I'm stifling my laughter so that I might appear sympathetic. But... Bahahaha! Oh honey, we need to be irl friends. I would totally walk 6 inches behind you all night. :)

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  11. I'm going to go back and read the rest of your post, but I got really distracted by the peanut butter Oreos things. Really?? They make such a thing? How did I not know???

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  12. Okay - hilarious story, but can you please post a picture of the Oreos bag?

    P.S. I pee myself weekly. Darn babies ruined all my equipment. Meh. Just keeping Poise in business.

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    1. Ditto on the equipment; I got a lot of dire warnings before I had kids, but I don't remember anyone telling me about that!

      You aren't the only one to ask about those Oreos - I put a pic on Twitter and my dumb phone won't let me copy the link, but you can look in my twitter feed & I'll post the link when I get to my Big Girl computer. :)

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    2. Gah, sorry, I forgot to add the link - here it is in case you couldn't find it:
      https://twitter.com/RobynHTV/status/241571075987742720

      Try not to drool on your keyboard.

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  13. Cannot believe I didn't know about the pb oreos either, canNOT believe one of your readers has a grocery store with a daycare, and cannot believe you didn't take a picture. Next time!

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    1. Next time, for sure! I felt all deprived because we don't have a daycare at our store, but then I realized how rare these PB Oreos are and I figure I'm still pretty lucky.

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  14. Wait...what? Daycare in the grocery store? (read: heaven on earth) I may need to research this!
    Devan

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    1. Can you imagine? I'm going to petition the government to make it mandatory.

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  15. Okay, wait. There are peanut butter Oreos? Yum! Anyway, yes, yes of course with four careless little boys I've been spilled on. But when I think of pants and embarrassing, I think of the time my mom was doing yard work in the front yard, neighbors all outside as well. Many stopped to talk to her. But not one told her that her pants were split completely down the back.

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    1. Oh NO! I hate that, whether it's split pants or food in your teeth or your bra hanging out of your shirt - especially when you call them on it later and they act like they didn't notice. :P

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  16. I've thought long and hard but I can't seem to summon a memory of this happening to me. Which is really surprising, so it's probably not true and I just blocked it so I can sleep at night or something.

    But you have my full sympathy, and I have no doubt my husband would react in the exact same way. He'd just be drinking a Diet Coke.

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    1. I'm with you - I think I've blocked out a LOT of things so I can sleep, because it's tough to drift off peacefully when you keep remembering stuff and cringing.

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  17. I did not immediately start laughing. I had to jump back out of the way with a Boodle on my hip first. You were a pretty good sport about it, though. Then some lady came in while we were sorting things out and we totally acted like we had found the cart that way, dripping Diet Mountain Dew and parked in a puddle of same.

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    1. That was the worst part!!! You told her to "steer clear of that mess," shrugging like you found the cart dripping in Dew, and then she looks at me while I'm CLEARLY COVERED IN MTN DEW until I un-froze my deer in the headlights look and skulked off after you. Then of course we kept running into her in every aisle because we went in at the same time. It's a good thing I don't have any pride, or it would've seriously taken a hit that day.

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  18. Hmmm...my instance might not compare to the crotch dowsing you endured (love the invented word, btw: crotchular. Excellent!) but yesterday I was attempting to unload ALL 47 of my folders/books/bags/lunch,etc. out of my trunk at once so I wouldn't have to make two trips and the jar of salsa I had in my lunch bag apparently tipped over in the bag and proceeded to leak salsa juice all down the right side of my pants, pocket to hem. I walked around the rest of the day acutely aware that I smelled like a giant tortilla chip. I felt the awkward compulsion to explain my stain/smell all day. Fun stuff.

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    1. Ha! Overheard conversation in your office, 11:15AM:

      Madge: What're we gonna get for lunch today?
      Bernice: I dunno. For some reason I feel like nachos.
      Madge: Me too! I've had a wicked craving for cilantro all day. What's up with that?
      Bernice: Beats me.
      Madge: By the way, HAVE YOU SEEN CARRIE'S PANTS?!???
      ;)

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  19. This is the best laugh I've had in a long time. Your husband's addition is PRICELESS.

    In similar commiseration...just so you don't feel like you are alone:

    Ran to the store because we were out of diapers, milk, coffee, and everything that keeps the world spinning on it's axis. Baby and toddler in tow. 20 minutes into negotiations over which cart to use (the one with the car in the front vs the bench vs just walking which is usually where the toddler ends the trip anyway, leaving me to push a cart the size of a third-world country through the store and navigating around a bus-full 65 year old women on massive doses of anti-depressants debating the validity over three different kinds of cinnamon in the middle of the aisle. But I digress). Toddler announces to the area at large that she "Has to go POTTY!!!!" 20 more minutes later, we go back to the carts and try to get her seated in the car-cart. I lean over to buckle her in, and hear my pants rip. Of course, I was wearing the bottom of the lingerie drawer...the polka dots. But I've already taken so long, and am so desperate to get diapers/milk/coffee I truck on, hoping nobody notices me, which is proof that I am deluded. Before the end of the trip, the baby is crying, the milk is leaking, I've been spit up on, and my pants are ripped through the entire crotch, and just under my butt. I could have birthed all four of my kids while wearing these pants. My toddler is announcing to the audience at large that I am wearing polka dot panties when I see my neighbor, who only has one kid, is always perfectly groomed, and is always witness to my worst parenting moments and armed with criticism. I think she thought I was drunk.

    Don't you feel, maybe, just the tiniest bit better now?

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    1. That's the best laugh I'VE had in a long time! The ending - "I think she thought I was drunk" - perfection.

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  20. As one who routinely dresses poorly to shop in nice places, I feel obligated to give advice. Y'all are going about this dressing for the grocery store thing all wrong. The tourists dress nice to grocery shop. If you live there, you can dress like you just came from the gym. Blood, dirt, rips, and/or stains make it appear as if you worked extra hard that day. Nike gear covers all kinds of hideousness. Plus, who cares more about quality granola--women in pencil skirts, or women in tennis skirts? THIS IS THE WHOLE REASON I TOOK UP TENNIS.

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    1. I knew there was some reason I meant to take up a hobby! Though I don't think we can blame the local Pencil-Skirts on tourism - nobody comes to my town for vacation. Or even to visit. ;/

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  21. LOL - I love that you call it Gucci grocery - so funny

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  22. I'm with everyone else, where are you getting peanut butter oreos?

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    1. I can't believe how deprived you people are! This has to count as some kind of inhumane treatment on the part of the Oreo people. Wait a second... Wait just a second. Do you think they're limited edition or something??? Hang on, I gotta go to the store...

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  23. I think this was one of the first posts I read by you, and second time around--its just as hilarious! Love this one!

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  24. I know it's happened to me...I just can't remember :)

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    1. Yes, block it out - that's the best way to cope.

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  25. I love this post! I've never visited before, but dropping by from Mama Kat's link up. I'm jealous of your peanut butter Oreos. The pee pants, though, not so much :)

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    1. Sadly, I ate all the Oreos and can't find any more! Thanks so much for visiting - if you come back, I promise not to pee in every post. Most of them, but not all. ;)

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  26. No, but I do own a pair of threadbare khakis and I like to play wild and loose and wear them to school and hope that today isn't THE DAY, when the last thread lets go and I'm the one bare!!

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  27. Oh, many thanks to Finding the Funny...you are my new favorite person! Can't wait to read your blog regularly- you are fantastic!

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    1. Yay for Finding the Funny, and yay for you - thanks, I'm so glad you're here!

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  28. As much as I sympathize with your non-pee peed-your-pants with mountain dew situation, I'm still stuck on the Peanut Butter Oreos. THOSE EXIST??? Please send some to Canada asap.

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    1. I wish I could help you, but we must've eaten them all - I can't find them at the store anymore!

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  29. Tonight I went shopping in a shirt with washed and dried on chapstick spatter. Maybe a little tomato juice too. I can pretend I didn't have a coat to wear over it if you want.

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    1. Hey, at least your shirt was washed and dried, right? I'm not even going to discuss the stuff I hide under a coat. ;)

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  30. Back before kids, DH and I took ballroom dancing classes after Wed night service in the gym of our church. [not recommended, BTW - it almost ruined our marriage. He sucks at leading and I'm not following where he thinks we should go...but that's another story] I went to the service wearing work clothes and in my bag put a water bottle and shorts to change into for the class. I put the wrong top on the water bottle and it leaked on the shorts. Not *all over* the shorts, just the front and back seam area. Yep, it looked like I wet myself from front to back. I tried to explain to the others in the class, but I don't think they believed me. Of course, DH was late, so I had no one to stand behind until they dried in the 100% humidity, 95 degree oven-like, non AC'd gym. I couldn't even take a drink because it leaked all over my shorts!

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    1. Kristen, THIS is what I'm talking about - awesome pants disaster! And you tell your husband that the proper response (in addition to being on time and letting you lead) is to go directly to the water fountain and spray his own pants. ;)

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