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Cat Poop and Other Reasons To Sell Your Cat

Here's our stupid cat - what's not to like?
First off, I feel a need to preface this post with a reminder that I love animals.   I've had pets all my life, except for those college years when I focused all my affection on beer and cute associate professors who didn't know I was alive.  Remember as you read this post, I was a zookeeper, and spent most of my zoo time with the animals that let you get all up close and cozy, not just the flashy high-profile bears and lions and other ones you can't play with unless you enjoy getting maimed and/or eaten.

I believe I've also mentioned that I've handled a lot of animal poop in my day, and didn't mind at all.  Well, I didn't complain, anyway.  At the time.

My point is, I heart animals as much as the next guy.

We have a cat, assuming the ASPCA doesn't come and get him after reading this post.  More accurately, Chauncey is Gerry's  cat, which is something I point out more frequently and vocally the more Chauncey gets on my nerves.

Don't get me wrong, he's an awesome cat - very affectionate and soft and meowy, which is preferable, in my opinion, to the majority of cats, who really don't care if you live or die or have a really wicked hangover or get run over by a mail truck, as long as someone feeds them.  I've had a lot of those cats, so I know we're lucky to have Chauncey.

Unfortunately, he's not very baby friendly.

It's not that he's aggressive toward Maddie - he pretty much steers clear of her ever since she was a few weeks old and my postpartum hormones and I freaked right the hell out on him when he was discovered sleeping in her crib.

I just mean that, with the addition of the baby to the family, he's sort of become... a nuisance.
This is the part where you remind yourself that I heart animals and am not, in general, a terrible person.
With all these children dangling off me all day, Chauncey's affectionate nature starts to seem more needy than loving.

The chatty meows I used to love now sound suspiciously like yowling that's specifically intended to wake up the baby.

He's one more mouth demanding to be fed the moment I roll bleary-eyed out of bed.

His soft fur now just reminds me that I need to vacuum the couch again, so Maddie doesn't get a mouthful of hair when she climbs up there and presses her face into the back of the couch while she looks out the window and waves enthusiastically at the neighbors across the street, while they smoke in their garage and awkwardly wave back.

"Just wait.  I'll make you sorry for this post."
When you add that to the fact that he's "sensitive," which is the feline translation for "gets stressed easily" and "barfs under even the slightest stress," plus the fact that he likes to barf in the least convenient, hardest possible places to clean (carpeted stairs, window sills, anyplace where you're sure not to see it before you step in it), you can understand why lately the cat has become more of a liability than an asset around the house.

This background should give you some insight into my state of mind a few mornings ago.  I had just sleepily stumbled down the stairs and I needed to visit the bathroom, so I mentally prepared myself for the acrobatics required for peeing while holding a squirming baby.  As I rounded the corner and passed Zoe's room, I glanced in - and did a classic double-take.

Zoe's room is pretty messy, but even in the clutter of dismembered Monster High dolls and the Squinkie explosion, it was obvious.

A giant pile of cat poop.

In the middle of her bed.

On her brand new sheets.

I do not actually endorse selling your cat, as the title of this post would imply, and I certainly don't recommend drop-kicking them, which is what I actually threaten to do at our house when none of you are listening, especially on that particular day.  But I.  was.  furious.

After Gerry cleaned up the mess and talked my down from my murderous cat-hating rage, he figured out the cause of Chauncey's unusual behavior.

He pooped on her bed because the litter box is upstairs.  So what?  would be the normal response to this bit of information.  However, it's significant because it turns out that Chauncey is afraid of the stupid baby gate at the bottom of the stairs.

So until we can devise a plan for moving the litter box to a new location (Cleveland?), I have to choose between my preference for the toddling baby to stay off the stairs, and my preference to not have the main floor of my house blanketed in cat excrement.

Does anyone want a cat?

Hahaha, I'm kidding, of course.
No I'm not, I only said I was kidding because Gerry will probably read this.
So send me a message in code - click the banner below once for, "No thank you, I don't need a cat at this time," and twice for, "Yes please, mail your cat to me right away."
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70 comments:

  1. I know your pain. We are actually trying to find someone to take one of our cats because she is being bullied by another cat (my mother-in-law's asshole cat that I HATE) and, as a result, is pooping and peeing all over the house to avoid him--I'm ready to throw her outside :) Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ugh, once they start doing that it's all downhill. I got a bully cat once - but since she was the newcomer (and didn't belong to my MIL - yikes, awkward)she was the one to find a new home, where I understand she's still happily clawing people and tearing up their home. Good luck to you, too!

      Delete
  2. My mom's dog's name is Chauncey! Another weird connection that I will include on my justification list for reasons to stalk you.

    I sympathize, but give you props for not getting rid of the cat, as so many people do. That's how I ended up with my 10-year old who is also very affectionate and soft and meowy. She's hairy, but super sweet, yet I'm ready to brain her. I think I needed one of those cats who really doesn't care if I get run over by a mail truck, as long as someone feeds them. I don't do clingy. Ugh.

    Anyway, move the litter box and pamper the feline. Have two litter boxes. Put Gerry in charge of all cat crisises (sp?)--including poop scooping.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think it's "crises" but am too lazy to Google it. Also, I am already in charge of all the scooping, though Robyn does clean up barf in emergencies.

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    2. That's true - but only in emergencies, like if everyone else is on fire or something.

      And Abby, you know you'd never brain Monie - I bet $5 that you gave her an apologetic pat on the head and snifter of catnip just for typing it. ;)

      Delete
  3. We have a baby gate in front of the closet where the cat's toilet resides. Mostly to keep the dog away. First though, we had to get rid of the lid on the cat box, because apparently the cat didn't like being closed in. Then, we had to cut an access hole in the gate, because why jump over if there's a nice handy pile of laundry in front of the gate?

    Now he announces his displeasure with his indoor facilities by spattering cat poop on the wall behind the cat box.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And yet we love the little furry things. We're crazy. You think we'd let anyone else in the house get away with spattering poop on the walls????

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  4. Thank you all for reminding me why I never want another cat.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're welcome - mission accomplished. ;)

      Delete
  5. I just have one question: Where is Chauncey's body in that first picture?? I think the whole problem lies in the fact that what you have is a body-less/head-only cat. And those things are trouble with a capital T. ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha! He does look like he has a huge head with two tiny little paws sticking out. Catasaurus Rex. (That dinosaur joke is just for you, since I still laugh when I think about that dino-theme park you went to.) ;)

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  6. Oh boy. Another one of those moments when I'm so glad that I'm allergic to cat hair. That's why we can never have one. Because mommy will have watery eyes and choke to death if you bring a cat home, kids. Really.
    That's my story and I'm sticking to it since 1997.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've heard that story before - it reminds me of the one about me being allergic to dog hair unless we get a much bigger house with a huge fenced-in yard. ;)

      Delete
  7. When we moved into our new house, I told our toddler the cat was sold with the house. It worked like a charm.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Genius! Do you have a seminar I can sign up for? You sound like you have some serious wisdom to impart.

      Delete
  8. Cat poop on the brand new sheets!?!? I would have screamed also and that would have woken the baby and then I would have been even madder. As cute and fuzzy as they are, they can be annoying. Just like husbands.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Just wait until I start pooping on the sheets, too.

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    2. I can tell you, that really will be annoying.

      Delete
  9. We have two cats and my wife feels exactly like you do. She's an animal lover but with trying to wrangle a 2 yr old and a 4 yr, if they do anything that creates more work then she wants them out the door. I always argue that it's good for the kids to grow up with animals which seems to buy the cats at least a little more time.

    I'm sure she would be willing to trade our two for your one.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, and the cat we had before our current two threw up on my head once.

      Delete
    2. And you're arguing to KEEP cats in the house? I know you don't have that cat anymore, but I hope you sleep in a hat anyway, just to be safe.

      By the way, your wife sounds brilliant. I love her.

      Delete
  10. Twin B is catsitting for the neighbors this week. In addition to caring for their 3 pussies, he is in charge of feeding the two stray pussies that show up each night on the back porch looking for handouts.

    And litterboxes? Don't even get me started on that topic.

    I would have a connniption if I found cat poop on my new sheets.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You should inform your neighbors that there are no such things as stray cats that you feed - those are just your own outdoor cats that you didn't mean to have. ;)

      Delete
  11. This is why you are my *unrequited* best friend. Seriously. I can not tell you how many times I have thought about taking our very own, grey, soft, beautiful, needy cat who eats her feelings and dropping her off at the local nursing home where she will be get the love and attention she needs because I . can't. stand. her. I raise your "I love animals" and throw down "BPM loves hate mail".

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nursing home! Ah, you have the best ideas!

      And if anyone sends you cat-related hate mail, you just forward it on to me. Nobody messes with my blogwife!

      Delete
  12. I'll take your cat. He sounds awesome. Your husband sounds awesome, too.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The husband? Absolutely. The cat? Not so much.

      Delete
  13. Also, sorry for hi-jacking your blog comments, Baby. ilu

    ReplyDelete
  14. I no longer have cats due to allergies but I do have to dogs who can be very annoying at times. My last cat was a giant 27 pound Siamese, I got him when he was 5 weeks old and he died at the age of 22 yrs. The last two years were a living hell for me, I developed an allergy to him and in his advanced age he developed feline Alzheimer's. He would forget that he just ate so he constantly screamed for food, he would jump in my lap and then look at me as if to say "wtf, I didn't want up here" before jumping down and then immediately repeat the whole process. I couldn't get rid of him he had known no other home and I did love him but at times......

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Awww, I don't know if I should say, "Poor kitty," or, "Poor you!" That sounds terrible - your car was lucky to have you. :)

      Delete
  15. No cat needed here. I don't dislike animals, but I always thought having kids was enough. There's all this maintenance w/ both, but eventually the kids grow up and move on. Poop on the new sheets...I would be livid too. I feel your pain. :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks. :) I have a weird thing with pets - I agree, kids are plenty for me, but for some reason when I'm pregnant I get this insane desire for ALL THE PETS. You have to strap me down to keep me away from the Humane Society. Then as soon as the baby comes, I hate any small, needy thing I didn't give birth to. :)

      Delete
  16. When did you steal my cat? I swear he was around here earlier.
    It's really gross, but seriously, get the dog. If it can reach the cat puke it will clean it up before you can even get to it or yell stop. So gross.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. When I was a kid I had two cats that did that. At least they cleaned up after each other, but... yeah, gross. :P

      Delete
  17. My dog Saint intentionally peed on my bed once. Honest to God. My dogs don't go to sleep until I do, which means if I'm up late, they kind of half-doze in the living room, but don't fully get any sleep until I go to bed. I was studying for the bar exam, and was up for about 42 hours straight. I was finally going to bed at 2 a.m. on night 2. Saint ran past me down the hallway, jumped on the bed, glared at me (swear to God), and peed right in the middle of the bed. Motherfucker.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm sorry that I laughed so hard at that - I know how painful the pee-bed experience can be. I had a cat that did that to me once, but instead of him being motivated by something cool like me studying for the bar exam, he did it because I brought home a mylar balloon. Apparently he didn't care for it.

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  18. EEEEEEK! Cat poop is the worst with all its toxoplasmosis (sp?) glory. Boyfriend has taught me that I can't get a cat because their poo can make you crazy and really, can *I* afford to get any crazier? I think not.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I hadn't heard it could make you crazy, but that explains a lot... All I'd heard was that it's dangerous to breathe it in if you're pregnant, which is why I have strategic monthly pregnancy scares. ;)

      Delete
  19. Hey lady!! I just found your cute blog via the mingle, and I'm your newest follower! I'd also love to have you check out a fabulous Triple Giveaway I'm having right now!!

    Hope to see you there! And thanks so much!
    xo

    http://emilymmeyers.blogspot.com/2012/08/triple-winner-giveaway.html

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks so much for being here - and thanks for following! :D

      Delete
  20. Hi Robyn!

    The title alone made me laugh, cos I am also having this idea of selling my cat too. I have so many experiences with cats too, since I was a little girl, (that's my obsession) I love them so much though I know how bad a cat's poop smells, it's sooooo yuckyyy!

    I am loving your blog! (it's my first time here)

    Cheers!!!

    Nina of BLB

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Great to have you here - thanks for visiting! Please resist the urge to sell your cat, despite what my post title might say - as you know, occasionally cats aren't annoying, and in those rare moments being a pet lover is worth all the trouble. ;)

      Delete
  21. I have long subscribed to the theory that we can have either pets or nice things - never both. That one of your nice things is a baby puts you in a bad position. I know what I'd do...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hahaha, I love the idea of the baby being one of our "nice things," especially since any time something gets messed up around here somebody rants, "This is why we can't have nice things!" Indeed...

      Delete
  22. Ha ha! We HAD a cat, until she was carried off in the night by a coyote or some other animal that was large enough to carry her bulky physique. Honestly, it was bittersweet. I loved her, but her incontinence was almost daily pushing me over the edge. It's been a yea this week since she went MIA. Sorry, I dont want another. Ever. At least right now.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So what I'm hearing is that it might be easier to adopt a coyote than to find my cat a new home... Good point! ::takes notes::

      Delete
  23. Hi Robyn. This is my first time commenting on your blog :)

    Loved this post! My cat meows so loudly in the mornings to be fed, that he has awakened my 2yr old daughter more times than I care to admit. Your story had me laughing out loud!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I love, love, love that you commented - thanks!

      I always thought that only Siamese cats were loud talkers, until I met Chauncey. Sometimes I appreciate the reminder to feed him (I AM pretty absent-minded in the morning), but half the time I waits and whines until I fill his dish and then he DOESN'T EVEN EAT! I don't appreciate being played by a cat. ;)

      Delete
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