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Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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As The Dollhouse Turns - The Visit

Episode 2: The Visit

Today's installment of As The Dollhouse Turns  opens with Sunny lost in thought. She finds herself on the back porch, but can't remember what exactly she came outside to do.

"I've been sweeping for 20 minutes,
but it doesn't seem like that's what
I originally came out here for..."

"Oh, yes," remembers Sunny, feeling foolish. "I was going to use the broom to jam the kids' door closed.  Silly me. Well, at least the porch is clean."

Sunny turns to go back in the house and finish locking her children in the single bedroom that everyone in her four-story mansion shares, when she hears the doorbell. A chill runs down her spine, but she quickly shakes it off.

"I wonder why on Earth I would get such a dreadful feeling of impending doom all of a sudden for no apparent reason," Sunny muses as she reaches for the doorknob.

::cue dramatic music::

Sunny is grateful she remembered her Poise pad this morning - otherwise, this surprise could've led to unfortunate consequences.

"Darling," Sunny calls over her shoulder, her teeth clenched. She hopes her plastic smile remains painted on her face. "YOUR MOTHER IS HERE."

Sunny's husband, Buzz, comes floating downstairs in a bouncing motion that indicates the presence of an invisible staircase.

"Hello, Mother," says Buzz as they exchange an awkward hug.

"I love what you've done with your
mushroom cloud of hair. I'm sorry I can't hug you back,
but my arms won't stay up like that
due to an old football injury."

"By the way," Buzz says to Sunny, "I forgot to tell you my mother was coming for a visit.  I also forgot to tell you I'm leaving town. On business. Right now."

With that, Buzz is gone.

Mother is the first to break the silence that fills Buzz's wake. "I've been reading your blog, Sunny," she says brightly. "I came here to help out with the house and children - because you seem so overwhelmed."

"Oh, how kind of you," Sunny replies, being sure to choose her words carefully. "Well, come in, have a seat.  I'm so glad to see you felt comfortable bringing your cats. All of them."

"I know you said you were allergic,
but I assumed you were just kidding."

Sensing an opportunity to escape from their room, the rambunctious children burst in with excited cries of, "Grandma, Grandma!" and, "We're so happy to see you," and, "We like you MUCH better than Mommy," and, "What did you bring us?"

"See, dear? It's really quite easy.
I don't know why you seem to be so stressed."

Before Sunny can respond, Mother begins passing out candy and half-naked Bratz dolls to the children.  Sunny has to excuse herself from the room as Mother empties some Pixie Stix into the baby's formula.

After counting to 100 and collecting her composure, Sunny finds Mother on the back porch.  "I'm just straightening up out here, since you obviously don't have time to clean, dear."

"My, my, when was the last time this porch
was swept?  Never mind dear, I'll take care of it."

Sunny closes her eyes, this time counting to 200, and bangs her face against the door frame until she slips into blissful unconsciousness.

Later, Sunny comes to and finds Mother again - this time in the office.

"I was just tidying your desk, dear," says Mother.  "It was strewn with scraps of paper - lists of blog post ideas, I believe. I read a few of them - they were quite funny, though perhaps a bit irreverent for my taste. It's too bad they were ruined when I spilled your cold coffee on the keyboard."


Sunny begins to bleed from the eyes a bit with the strain of not bludgeoning her mother-in-law.

"Oh, I can see you're tense, dear. Why don't I take the kids out so you can have some time to yourself? Maybe you could take a shower," she suggests with a helpful nod.

Sunny loves the idea of some alone time to catch up on her blog reading. If only she'd actually be alone.

"I wonder if I'd lose any followers by tweeting
about a feline killing spree," Sunny asks the cats.

This goes on for what seems like an eternity. One evening, while Mother is getting the girls riled up with a spooky bedtime story that's sure to keep Sunny awake all night tending to their nightmares, Sunny sneaks off to quickly check her email.



This is the last straw. Sunny stalks off to get Mother out of the house, once and for all.

With story time over, Mother is in the nursery. "She was more comfortable on her tummy, with a full bottle and all these soft pillows. No wonder you have so much trouble getting her to sleep in her crib, dear."

"She's probably cold, too, so I wrapped her loosely in
several thick blankets. And I left some rubber bands and
small buttons in the crib in case she wakes up and gets bored."

Sunny lunges toward Mother in a murderous rage.

Haha, just kidding. Mother is alive... but walking with an unexplained pronounced limp. Her clothing is rumpled and peppered with unidentified bristle marks.

"Thanks for the hospitality, dear. I'll show myself out."

Sunny breathes deeply, enjoying the silence, reveling in the fact that her house is once again her own. 

Then she hears a lamp break upstairs, followed by giggling.

And Sunny remembers the one, very important perk of having her mother-in-law around.

"What have I done?"

Realizing that she just chased away free, 24-hour babysitting and beat it half to death with a broom, Sunny deals with the situation the best way she knows how.


Disclaimer: THIS EPISODE IS IN NO WAY BASED ON MY OWN LIFE AND IS CERTAINLY NOT BASED ON MY REAL MOTHER-IN-LAW, WHO I ADORE.

Also, you can see previous episodes of As The Dollhouse Turns here!  But don't get too excited - so far there are only two episodes, and you just read one of them. (Pssst - that's no longer true, so pop some popcorn and GO READ!)




I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing - and so I don't get all lonely. I get extra-pathetic when I'm lonely.


55 comments:

  1. This is seriously hilarious. I kind of want to buy some dolls and create my own now, but a) it wouldn't even BEGIN to compare and I have a horrible case of writer's block and b) it would be super creepy for a 31-year-old woman with no kids to go out and buy a bunch of dolls. I'll leave this up to you and wait for the next installment.

    Again, hilarious.

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    1. Nah, I think it'd only be marginally creepy, and then only if you got a vast collection of dead-eyed porcelain dolls and lined them up on a shelf overlooking your bed like a miniature, pointy-fingered fan club that watches you sleep. Your real fans would never do that, mainly because the shelf keeps breaking under my weight. Oops, I've said too much.

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  2. I just recently found your blog, and I am now an avid reader/rss feeder. I LOVE these episodes, and I have to know what kind of dollhouse/accessories you are using!? I think I would like it more than my daughter.

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    1. I love Zoe's dollhouse, too - plus the people and sets of furniture aren't crazily expensive. They're Fisher Price, and I think the line is called Real Family...? I know my mom has one or two of the boxes at her house, so she'd know for sure - HINT, HINT, Marma! Could you comment here and tell us what these are called?
      Anyway, thanks so much for reading!!! It makes my day to hear that. :)

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    2. Yes, Fisher-Price makes them. The dolls, dollhouses and furniture are called Loving Family. If you can't find them in stores like Walmart, you can order from Amazon.

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  3. Ahhh, eyeball bleeding. I have the SAME DANG PROBLEM when my MIL is here...and remarkably, I, too, hate to see the free baby supervising go. (because even SHE can't handle both of them.) <---but that is mostly due to the fact that she only speaks Polish and my kids and I only speak English and my hubby doesn't seem to think it is necessary to teach his children another language even though I have shown him all the research that says it will put them at an advantage in school and open new opportunities for them in life, but what the Hell do *I* know? I only have a Master's degree in regular and special education and stuff. UGH.

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    1. And here I'd have thought a language barrier would be helpful! I guess I'd be reluctant to teach my kids a second language, too, because I'd be using the second one to curse in front of them and say stuff I don't want them to know about instead of spelling it out. :)

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  4. These are FUNNY with a capital F. ( and unny, apparently) I especially love the email screen of: reply, delete, divorce.

    A doll with that much hair, is one to be feared. Kind of like John Edwards.

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    1. Yeah, those reply buttons would be pretty popular in real life, I suspect. John Edwards - heh heh heh. :)

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  5. Seriously. You are so dang hysterical. SO FUNNY, Robyn. Thanks for the shout out!

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    1. My pleasure, mama! It's the least I could do. :)

      P.S. You're dang hysterical yourself! ;)

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  6. Hysterical. Awesome use of the way too many cats that come with those dollhouse sets!

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    1. Thanks! And what is it with the pets? They have a dog, too. I get tired just pretending to take care of all those fake animals.

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  7. Oh my gosh! Freakin' hilarious :) I like the picture of Sunny at the end. We've all been there!

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    1. Haven't we, though? Sigh... Thanks for reading!

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  8. I'm so glad you are doing more of these. Awhile ago I was playing legos with my 4 yr old and just for fun I started taking pictures of the figures doing different odd things, thinking that there must be something here blog worthy (although I would have never come up with something as good as As The Dollhouse Turns).

    But sometime later my wife was showing my mom some pictures on the camera of the kids and came across all the lego ones I took. She told my mom that "Christian must have took these. Why, I have no idea." And of course I wasn't there to explain myself so now both of them think I'm weird. I mean weirder than they thought before.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Such are the dangers in a blogger's life, eh? Luckily I'm pretty consistenly weird, so when Gerry comes across any oddities he just goes with it. Plus, he and I are the same kind of weird, so half the time my weirdness was his idea to begin with.

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    2. Thanks for the credit/blame for some of your weirdness, Baby. I think...

      And Christian, perhaps if the "odd things" you refer to weren't vaguely reminiscent of "extraordinary rendition" or the Spanish Inquisition, there would have been fewer raised eyebrows. Not many people would photograph Legos being water-boarded.

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  9. My mother came to live with us for 2 months a few years back...I believe you just captured my story perfectly. And that last photo? That was me for the 3 months after she left. Love your writing!

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    1. Thank you! I think you've earned yourself a spot as the poster child for this episode! ;)

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  10. Replies
    1. Wow, thank you, Melanie! These posts love you reading them.

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  11. Oh. my. gosh. I seriously don't think I have ever laughed so hard at a blog post until reading these!! Absolutely brilliant! Please keep them coming!! Though next time I'll have to prepare first with a Poise pad! ;) haha!

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    1. Yay, thank you so much! I'm hoping the next one will be finished next week - fair warning on the Poise pad. ;)

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  12. Oh my, it just gets better.

    "Sunny's husband, Buzz, comes floating downstairs in a bouncing motion that indicates the presence of an invisible staircase."

    I wish I hadn't just taken a mouth full of cereal when I read that.

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    1. Oops - heh heh, sorry. :) I have to admit to snickering a little when I wrote that line - why don't these dollhouses ever have any stairs???

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  13. Hahahahahahaha! I absolutely love it!

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    1. Thanks - glad you got a laugh! :D

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  14. You are going to make my playing with Ball and her Loving Family dolll house so much more fun!

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    Replies
    1. Does she really have this doll house? I love it - though having your own story line running in your head is essential.

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  15. OH MY GOD! This is a riot! Mushroom cloud of hair! I've got to pee now!

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  16. TUNING IN FOR SURE I THINK THE CUTE COMMERCIAL BREAKS AND SHOUT OUTS ARE VERY CLEVER, AND I KNOW APPRECIATED. BUZZ IS A GOOD LOOKING FELLA SO HE BETTER BE CAREFUL SPENDING TO MUCH TIME UNDER THAT DESK LOL GREAT JOB EXCITED FOR NEXT WEEKS.

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    1. Thanks - I thought the commercial breaks might be a fun change from the usual sponsor post, I'm glad it doesn't sound like it distracted from the drama. :)

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  17. I love the Phyllis Dillar (RIP) hair on Mother!!

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    1. That's hilarious - I didn't even think if that! Good call. :)

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  18. This is so clever! I love it! I don't get to play with dolls as I have all boys. Can I come over and play sometime? LOL I'll definitely tune in for the next episode!

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    1. Absolutely - come on over! I'll leave the (dollhouse) porch light on for you.

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  19. Brilliant. This needs to go viral, so I'm doing my part by sharing it and pinning it. Unfortunately, the virus will stop with my mom because I think she's my only reader and doesn't know how to share or pin. So it's up to all these other readers to SHARE THIS ON FACEBOOK!

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    1. Thank you SO much! I had to laugh at the pinning thing with your mom - too funny! ;D Man, going viral sure would be nice, eh? I mean the Internet kind, obviously; the real life version wouldn't be that great.

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  20. What a hysterical, funny, creative post! Dealing with in-laws certainly does feel like a soap opera, that's for sure!

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    1. Thank you! IRL I'm awfully lucky to have in-laws I'm crazy about (and I'm not just saying that because they read my blog), but I've been there... :)

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  21. Fantastic! Hope you plan on creating new episodes soon, although this looks like it takes quite a bit of time to pull off!

    Found you through #findingthefunny

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    1. It does take a while, but it's so much fun I can't really stop myself. :) There's another episode almost ready to post next week... Thanks for reading!

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  22. okay, i am totally behind on my blog reading (thanks, life) so i decided to start catching with yours because seriously you crack my ass up more than anyone...your unfolding drama totally did not disappoint and i am begging you: please create an episode with the strung out on pixie sticks baby because that one line had me laughing off and on for like an hour ...
    hiLARious

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    1. How DARE you have a life?!?! Well, I guess I can let it slide since you came back and said nice stuff about me - glad you liked it. ;)

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  23. Well Baby, you know I love this. And I'm with your readers in thinking this should go viral, cuz iz krapn funny. Fortunately, my mom isn't anything like the MIL in the story. Plus, she is mega-allergic to cats.

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    1. That's why I married you - because you think I'm funny AND your mom is allergic to cats. ;)

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  24. Oh gosh, Robyn, wish I could think of something even semi-intelligent or witty to add, but I can't because I'm laughing too hard. I can't imagine how therapeutic it would be to play with dolls when my MIL descends. Can I buy a dollhouse and sign it as part of my health savings account for the year?

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    1. Wouldn't THAT be nice?!? It'd be even more therapeutic if you could shrink your MIL down and let her stay in the dollhouse instead of your guest room. ;)

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  25. OMG, so funny!! We have that same dollhouse, but we must be on the wrong side of the tracks. My poor momma has no computer or desk which to blog to the world and also the minivan is parked in the living room. Dollhouse envy! lol

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    1. Naw, she must've cleaned up for the camera crew - right now the minivan is broken down in the closet, and all the furniture is upside down. It looks like an episode of hoarders in there. ;)

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Thank you for commenting - you're awesome! I mean, even if you're a jerk, at least it means you read my blog. RIGHT?!?