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Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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Proof That Smartassery Is Genetic

My mom didn't know she was going to guest post today, but whatever - since when did I start asking permission to publish things I didn't write?

Wait a sec... Hang on... (mumble mumble) Okay, so my attorneys tell me that copying what someone else wrote without their consent is something called "plagiarism," and apparently it's frowned upon in the writing world. Who knew? Writers sure are a touchy sort. So I guess I'll ask my mom before I post this. If I remember. Or I'll just let her press charges and see how she holds up in court against my team of imaginary lawyers.
Already working on my insanity plea.
Anyway, a few months ago my mom's heart started bumpity-bumping in a wild pattern and her blood pressure went through the roof, so she went to the ER. She turned out to be okay, but to make sure, the doctors gave her all kinds of tests and procedures and medical-grade pokes in the eye.

One of the things she had to do was wear a heart monitor for 24 hours, which is basically a piece of robotics you strap onto your chest to become a temporary Terminator (without the evil red glowing eyeballs). It measures your heart rate and blood alcohol volume and the number of potato chips you eat per hour, divides it by pi, and calculates how much longer until your copay is due.

The lady who hooked my mom up with the machine gave her a blank chart to track any irregularities in her schedule. That way, if they were reading the Terminator Box results later and saw a gigantic spike in her heart rate, they'd be able to check the chart and see if it coincided with an attempt to climb Mount Kilimanjaro, or a wasp flying into her mouth, or some other adrenaline-inducing activity.

However, the nurse made it p-e-r-f-e-c-t-l-y  clear that my mom was only to use the chart very, very sparingly. Apparently, the nurses have to type everything from the chart manually into their computer, which is a majorly boring time suck, and probably a real drag to do when you're also getting paged eleventy times a minute because some invalid wants more ice chips.

So what did my mom do?  She kept a real chart, which ended up remaining blank because Mount Kilimanjaro was closed that day. But she also made a phony one to turn in at her follow-up appointment, so the nurses could have a few heart attacks of their own. Imagine their horror when they saw a completely full activity chart that they were going to have to type out - and then their relief when they read it and realized my mom's just a smartass.


TIME
ACTIVITY
SYMPTOMS
12:13
sitting at computer
hiccups
12:17
ate a cracker
chewing noises
12:45
changed socks
bending & opening drawer
1:00
watched the news
excessive complaining
2:12
got up from chair & sat down again
breathing
2:48
looked at TV Guide
heavy disappointment
3:01
400 push-ups
April Fool!
3:28
online shopping
huge dip in finances
4:12
looked out the window
very sunny - lots of blinking
4:29
opened the mail
I may already be a winner!
4:53
phone call to a friend
no answer
5:06
thought about dinner
brain getting in gear
5:07
still thinking
grinding noises
5:08
looked in fridge
nothing there - not surprised
5:30
bungee jumping
neck pain
6:11
motorcycle stunt racing
only wrecked twice
6:18
watched the news
rise in BP
7:01
ran 30 laps (backwards)
dizzy
7:15
racquetball tournament
came in 2nd
8:41
nap
comatose
8:59
hula hoop competition
bronze medal
9:05
built popsicle stick birdhouse
joint pain
9:31
made homemade water
toxic?
10:06
laid out Barbie pj’s
woozy
11:35
tuned in to Leno show
not funny
11:36
changed channel to Dave
laughing
1:00
bedtime
snoring
2:12
REM sleep
eye fluttering
3:15
dreaming
I can fly!
5:01
woke up and looked at clock
too early...
7:00
rise and shine
bounced out of bed
7:31
healthy breakfast
6 donuts and a martini
8:15
morning news
Can you believe gas prices?
8:39
morning workout
don't forget to take steroids
9:00
stunt woman training
threw my back out
9:36
cheerleader try-outs
didn't make the squad :(
10:15
cosmetic surgery
used the "home version"   (epic fail)
11:02
American Idol audition
hoarse and off-key
11:18
24 hours is up
heart still beating!
noon
turn in heart monitor
delighted


So now you know where I get it. If I ever offend you with my smartassery, you can blame my mom. Or genetics. Or whatever - just leave me out of it. I'm busy organizing all the Intellectual Property Infringement law suits against me into one convenient class action suit.*


*I stole part of that line from the Simpsons.  Please click to vote for me anyway!
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49 comments:

  1. My mom's the one who put a red sweater on my neighbor's cat before burying it in my backyard and who I found lying in the aisle of Kohl's trying out new pillows, so I have no doubt about the power of genetics.

    In other words, we need to meet up, bring our moms and then toast to our awesomeness. At least that's what I got from this...and that your mom's kind of awesome.

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    1. Best. Girls' Night. EVER! We are SO gonna get kicked out of Olive Garden!

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  2. You are hilarious! I am so adding you to my reader. I needed the laugh today!

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    1. Thank you so much! You're the 90th member, which comes with all sorts of imaginary confetti and the mental image of me blowing one of those New Year's Eve noisemakers while jumping up and down excitedly! :)

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  3. Wow, your mom should start her own blog! Actually she'll probably win ownership to your blog in the law suit, which will make her the new author of HTV. Hopefully your mom's name is also Robyn because I really have a hard time dealing with change.

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    1. Try as she might, she'll never get her hands on HTV - I have it housed under a parent corporation that's headquartered on a Swiss off-shore oil rig, or at least that's what the lawyers in my head tell me.

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  4. Your Mom's a hoot! I had to wear one of those confounded things a few months back - wish I'd thought to do a fake chart! Loved this!

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    1. Yes she is, and a top-notch babysitter to boot, so even if she's in a off mood humor-wise, I still have a pretty good reason to keep her around. I'm hoping all your Terminator Box results came back A-ok! :)

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  5. your mama is a badass...you guys should get on that show for your plagiarism lawsuit (this is gonna sound ridiculous unless you know what i'm talking about), it's like a mock courtroom with all comedians for the lawyers and judges, etc. and they have to adlib all their arguments...? i sound like freakin chris farley.. remember that one time when you did that one thing? that was awesome...

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    1. Okay, that show sounds awesome and the Chris Farley reference totally sealed it! :D

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  6. That is some niiiice smartassery from your mom, there. I got mine from my dad.

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    Replies
    1. If there's a better trait to inherit, I don't know what it is. ;)

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  7. Love it. Thank sweet baby Jesus that smartassery is genetic...to my own dear daughter, you're welcome.

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    1. Ha! Yes, I think I'll be a lot happier about passing it on to my kids when they stop trying out their budding sarcasm skills on me. :/

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  8. Your mom is so funny! I wonder where you get it from,lol!

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    1. Yeah, she is pretty funny, isn't she? :)

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  9. Pretend fighting and winning pretend litigations for actual copyright violations is one of my favorite past times.

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    1. Luckily for you I'm also a pretend judge, so just call me if you get into any pretend legal squabbles over things like Toy Ownership Rights or You Started It disagreements.

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  10. Never a dull moment around you gals that is for sure, oh the joys of genetics!! Loved the post and the laughs from both of you ","

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    Replies
    1. Thank you - never a dull moment, indeed! ;)

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  11. The thing none of your readers know, and the real kicker to this story: you don't even HAVE a mom. I happen to know for a fact that you sprang forth from the sea fully formed and ready to be my wife and chill with me for eternity.

    The first time I met your mom AFTER we got together she said she was going to put on all her costume jewelry and act like some kind of Miss Havisham-style nut case, but she didn't want to scare me off. That's how awesome she is, because just thinking of doing that was ultra-funny.

    You funny. Like your mom, with a twist of lime and sass.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Getting an early start on the message in my anniversary card, I see! Nice!

      I still wish she'd done the costume jewelry thing, but I'm sure there'll be plenty of opportunities for her to freak you out while simultaneously embarrassing me in the future. ;)

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  12. I think I love your mom.
    That is awesome

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  13. Your mom is amazeballs! And smartassery is definitely genetic. My husband told my six year old to lose the attitude, and she responded with, "But, why? Mommy gets to have an attitude."

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    1. Ha! Too funny, and I can certainly relate. I told my son to watch his attitude, and my daughter chimed in with, "How can he watch his attitude? It's clear."

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  14. Replies
    1. I know, but don't tell her I said so!

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  15. I am dying here!! That is hilarious!! It is so awesome that she had a little fun with this :)
    I love your humor in your writing. I try so hard to write funny stuff and fail miserably. I just confuse people. (Is that supposed to be a punch line?.....) I'll be back for more!

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    1. Thanks so much! That really means a lot to me - and I bet you're a ton funnier than you give yourself credit for (even your comment made me laugh)! :)

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  16. hello! new follower - found you on @LittleBeckyHome's page! this just cracked me up - too funny! love your style!! come visit me at jugglingactmama.blogspot.com :)

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    1. Thanks so much - a hearty welcome to the crew, I'm glad you're here!

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  17. Cracking up on this one 2. And I voted for you!

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    1. Thank you! I love votes AND love, so this is double nice. :)

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  18. That's so funny! I wish I could have seen the looks on those nurses faces. Humor is definitely genetic. I wonder why my kids think they got theirs from my husband?

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    1. Yeah, we always get blamed for the stuff we'd rather deny, but never get credit for the good stuff!

      Except when their sense of humor comes out as sass talk - then I had nothing to do with it.

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  19. Your mom's my favorite. Don't tell my mom.

    I kid, my mom's incredibly funny and smartassy, too. But I still love your momma.

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    1. I bet your mom's the tops! Let's face it, we're all incredibly awesome.

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  20. Replies
    1. It's my favorite kind - one that's funny AND I didn't have to write it! :)

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  21. Oh my God - that's HILARIOUS!!!



    You were one of the most-clicked links at last week's #findingthefunny party. We're featuring you tomorrow, and I pinned this. Thanks for linking up!

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    1. Wow, Ana - thanks so much! #findingthefunny is always a hoot. :)

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Thank you for commenting - you're awesome! I mean, even if you're a jerk, at least it means you read my blog. RIGHT?!?