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Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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Momolympics

It's Olympics time!

Yay!  Or perhaps, Who cares!   Depending on your opinion.

Whether you devour the Olympic coverage like a bottle of wine after a day spent shopping with the kids, or if you despise it for its two-week interruption of your So You Think You Can Dance  addiction, there's one thing upon which I believe we can all agree.

There's nothing like an Olympian to make me feel like a fat, lazy, underachieving slob.
I could totally do that.  If I felt like getting up.
(source)

I, for one, am looking forward to two full weeks of nonstop reminders that there are lithe, muscular 16-year-olds from countries I can't pronounce who've already set and surpassed personal goals that never so much as occurred to me as possibilities  until I was already too old and arthritic to muster the energy to even Google the rules of their sport.

Don't get me wrong, I love the Olympics. The only down side is that it's swarming with Olympians and their rock-hard abs and calves chiseled from diamonds, which to me seems just a little like showing off in some cases (archery, I'm looking at you) since I'm thinking you could probably shoot a bow and arrow even if you had a protruding beer gut and a roll of fat hanging over your kneecaps, but then again I don't really follow archery.
Archery fans, please don't send me hate mail. It's a humor blog. I'm joking. Mostly.
Also, I wrote this before the U.S. won silver in archery, which of course automatically made archery seem 100% more awesome, even though I only heard about it because my husband posted it on facebook. So, um, go team! Sorry. Not sorry enough to rewrite that paragraph, but pretty sorry.
These go-getters have been shooting pointy things at targety things and lifting heavy stuff and skillfully not drowning since the age of two, carefully honing their talent into some sort of freakish super-human ability, whereas at age two I was busy picking my nose and felt pretty good about myself if I avoided falling down the stairs for a whole day.

But you know what? Enough of that attitude. We average-ish non-Olympians are every bit as prepared for competitive sports as these athletes, and if anyone tries to say you aren't, you can tell them to shut their filthy lying faces. And I'll tell you why.

You may not have realized it, but ever since we became parents we've been training for our own Olympic-style events. You heard me - qualifying has now begun for our own Olympics.  I shortened it to Momolympics because Parentalolympics had too many syllables, though qualified dads are welcome to try out for the team. We're going to need you guys for the pair skating, anyway.

Here are some of the events we've been unconsciously fine-tuning our parent-bods for over the years.

10-Yard Slo-Mo Dash
In this event, time seems to slow to a near halt as you race across the room to prevent your curious toddler from touching the cat's butt or licking an electrical outlet. Points are deducted for tripping, not arriving in time to prevent the dangerous and/or gross event, or for shrugging and ignoring it altogether.

Unsynchronized Swimming
Dip thigh-deep into the kiddie pool and try to keep up as your child barrels ahead of you, splashing chlorine in the eyes of strangers, announcing she Really Has To Pee Oh Nevermind I'm Fine Now. Flailing your arms in an arrhythmic fashion in an attempt to stay upright and flashing apologetic smiles at the parents who look on judgmentally is optional, but encouraged.

Backyard Fencing
Starting from a kneeling position, armed with nothing but a handful of weeds and a pair of gardening clogs, defend yourself against the sudden onslaught of lashes dealt by an opponent who thinks he's a 3-foot-6-inch Ninja Jedi because he happened to find a long stick in the yard, which every 6-year-old knows is Nature's Lightsaber.

Freestyle Baby Wrestling
Harder than it sounds - if you can get your inexplicably unwilling, writhing baby into a size 3 diaper while she's trying to launch herself from the changing table directly onto the neighbor's lawn, you're well on you way to gold.

Kitchen Floor Speed Skating
Glide gracefully across the kitchen floor at top speed as you run to answer the phone and your foot hits the puddle of orange juice that no one told you they spilled or bothered to wipe up themselves. Extra points available for cartwheeling your arms, and for the dismount when you run out of smooth surface and your feet abruptly meet with carpet.

Parenting Triathlon
It's a game of concentration, stamina, and inner strength as you fruitlessly engage in a battle of wills against inanimate objects. First, hurdle yourself over random obstacles (Fisher Price ride-on toys, Barbie Dream Homes, etc) that have been littered across the floor as you rush to assess the damage caused by a loud crash followed by eerie silence; find child unharmed but surrounded by a sea of broken glass. Second, use your acrobatic gymnastic skills to tiptoe and leap along the 2-inch strip of floor with the least amount of glass, and extract your child from the situation using the over-the-head "clean and jerk" method. In the third phase, hold your toddler at bay with one foot while using full body extension to vacuum up the glass from a distance, simultaneously administering Lecture #567 concerning the fact that Mommy's Wedding China Is Not A Toy. Finish with wine. Repeat daily until all the china is broken.

I feel so much better now, knowing that instead of a wine-guzzling, nacho-eating, child-neglecting slob, I'm in fact a top-level athlete waiting to take my place on the world stage of competitive Momfailing. Won't you join me? Opening ceremonies conveniently coincide with the cocktail hour.


Please click the Vote For Me banner to Vote For Me, then get back to work training for your chosen event - please send videos of your training directly to me so I can laugh my face off assess your progress.
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43 comments:

  1. Moms get double points for doing it all sleep deprived.
    Oh nature's light saber - you mock me at every interaction with other moms as I'm hollering to my son "Put that down! You're going to poke someone in the eye!"
    I think I could be a competitor in your games. Hilarious!

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    1. Sleep deprivation - yes! No one in the finals can have more that two consecutive hours of sleep for the six months leading up to the event. Can't wait to get you suited up for the team (uniform: yoga pants, stained t-shirt).

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    2. Amazingly, I already have that uniform!

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  2. Awesome! I have another momolympic sport. The Jello slide! Includes wearing crocks in the kitchen while trying to get the pan of jello jugglers to the fridge. Spilled jello in a 60 degree house ( winter and a broken heater) the tray hits the edge of the fridge door, hello splashes I. The floor and you slide on the Jello spilling the entire tray on the floor as you ssssllliidddddeeeeeeeeee, do a funky windmill move as you fall flat on your face. The kids on looking in horror ( not because you fell but because you spilled the jello and promptly asking are you going to make more. Then gaining your footing and sliding two more times while trying to clean the red jello from the floor, fridge, cabinets, walls, stove

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    1. Just like my kids - they too would've been way more concerned about the jello than my broken tailbone. Great suggestion - due to the heaterless aspect, we'll schedule it during the Winter Momolympics.

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  3. This is my favorite Olympic post since the whole chaos began. Sure, the athletes are amazing and committed, but it still doesn't make me want to watch waterpolo.

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    1. Thank you! I agree on the obscure sports that I can't quite muster up a lot of emotion about considering I'd never ever watch them under any other circumstances. Plus the channel we were watching kept switching randomly from the balance beam to volleyball to backstroke to (yes) waterpolo, like ESPN was screaming at me in sports Tourettes. It's jarring, and just when I start to care about all the gymnasts and their back stories, suddenly we aren't watching gymnastics anymore! ;P

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  4. I watched some Archery this weekend (because it was one of the only events being shown live), and I have to say that, um...how do I say this nicely? There definitely were some archers without rock-hard abs :)

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    1. That's what I heard later, which made me feel slightly (slightly) less crazy. I KNEW it! :)

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  5. We were watching the finals in Archery and my husband looks at the Italians and said "I could be an Olympian." No rock hard abs in this family. LOL! Hubby and I will be claiming gold and silver in "backyard fencing". Having a 6 yo that takes tae kwon do where he learns sock sword sparring (while he makes light saber sounds, btw) and a 3 yo that watches said classes means that we have world class training. ;-)

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    1. Sounds like you guys can coach that event (if you don't get beaten to a pulp first)! :)

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    2. I told you those Italian archers were rotund. The one guy looked like the love child of John Goodman and Pavarotti.

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  6. An American woman won a gold in skeet shooting by hitting 99 of 100 whatever they call its. That's something I could do...if I had any shooting ability.

    I'm trying to win the gold in ice cream making. I'm throwing an ice cream social this weekend and I've made 18 pints in the last 9 days. Only 14 more to go. Tough work, but someone's got to do it (actually no one does have to do that, do they?).

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    1. Ha! "99 of 100 whatever they call its" - sounds like me watching every Olympic sport ever. :)

      Please feel free to send me leftovers from your ice cream social. And let me know if you ever plan to have another one, because I'm willing to move near where you live if that's the case.

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  7. As a Mom to five young kiddos I feel like an Olympian sometimes (I just don't look like one :). Found you on the blog hop. Now following via google friend, fb and twitter. Would love follows back

    http://cumminslife.blogspot.com/

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    1. So glad you could relate, and that you're here - welcome!

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  8. If you ask me those Olympians are a bunch of show offs. And if you think about it, what good is it going to do you in the real world to be able to tumble around on a balance beam or for that matter have any of the skills these Olympians have. Well, maybe except discuss because that means you can probably throw a Frisbee pretty well, but that's it.

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    1. I can think of a couple istances when I'd like to be able to throw a javelin. Like in traffic, for instance.

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  9. I'm just so sorry that I haven't known about your blog before now. You are flippin' funny.

    Why can't they start a Nose Picking Olympic team? My daughter would totally rock that! And, Momolympics, indeed! All I can tell you is that I placed gold in the Poo Vault this morning as I attempted to reach the unmentionable from hitting the floor as littlest attempted to wipe and totally missed. There may have been a slight deduction for the cuss word that launched out of my mouth (under my breath, of course). But, I won gold. A nugget of gold.

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    1. Thanks! I can't discuss the nose picking thing without gagging - I never see my kids do it, but in spite of tissues being available in every room I still find the evidence - urghhhblehhh. Congrats on the gold this morning - if I were judging I probably would have *awarded* points for inaudible cussing, based on originality and difficulty (eg proximity of child who didn't hear you). :)

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  10. I love this post, but where is the extreme urine retention (and hope like hell you don't sneeze)event?
    Or the "Oh my God I need to poop" but the kids are fighting dilemma, followed by the waddle sprint to the toilet, the relief, then the scream and sound of something expensive breaking, the 1 second wipe and hope you got it all, then the run while pulling your pants up to see what happened, followed by unexpected guests arriving. Points are awarded for how long the Mum manages before sneaking off to the toilet to make sure she wiped properly.

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    1. Such great ideas! You're on the Bathroom Event Planning Committee. :)

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  11. Oh, Robyn,

    You are soooooooooooo my new best friend. We can totally train together for the toboganning event. So what it is in winter, we can buy some cute coordinating outfits and have more time to train and drink (spiked) hot chocolate. Mmmmmmm.

    By the way, it should be illegal for you to make me as a reader laugh this much. That is just making my abs really have a work-out and that is not part of the MomOlympics. I need you to apologize now.

    best,
    MOV

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    1. I am sorry, but secretly instead of sorry what I really am is all flattered and squeeeeish that MOV thinks I'm funny! :D Thank you! I can't wait to start training (ahem) for our winter events. :)

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  12. I clicked on the link for the "Clean and Jerk" and peed my pants just watching. Clearly, that is an event for Mommas who had C-sections and didn't blow out their vaginae. Just sayin.

    Oh, and I thought you said "Mom-flailing" then I re-read and saw "Mom-failing". I think I like flailing better. At least, I flail until I fail. So, it's like the silver medal, right?

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    1. How could I not have considered the bladder control issues associated with the clean and jerk??? Obviously Poise will need to be the Official Absorbant Pad of the summer games.

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  13. And then I can live out my days basking in the glow of all the swag you'll be decorating the trophy case with. Plus, I'll get to build a trophy case - one with little hooks for hanging medals on.

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    1. Right, because what you need is another project to work on. ;)

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  14. Hi there, MOV sent me.

    Hilarious! I love it. Posted it over on Twitter. Hope you get a couple of visitors, you deserve them. I have been annoyed with Olympic talk for a few days now, but seeing as how they inspired you, I am happy now.

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    1. Thanks so much for visiting, and for spreading it around on Twitter! And for giving me a chance, even though I agree that you can't chuck a rotten egg these days without hitting some Olympic coverage. :)

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  15. So glad MOV pointed me in your direction, loved the post!

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  16. I'm really happy to discover your blog. It's friggin hilarious and the comments had me laughing out loud, too.
    My event would be beer chugging while the kids are momentarily occupied. I can slam a beer in the time it takes the kid (who incidentally caused me to want a beer in the first place) to potty. I've got the gut to prove it!
    I'll be adding you to my favorites list today!
    www.abouthalfabubbleoff.blogspot.com

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    1. Thanks so much - that makes me feel great! And also makes me want a beer - but not for the same reasons my kids make me want one. :) I do love the comments, too - HTV readers are a lot funnier than I am. :)

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  17. I feel like a blobby slob too when I watch the Olympics. Then I take another handful of M&Ms. But, remember these athletes don't have a life...all they do is swim, or bike, or whatever. I get to cook and clean house and endure hot flashes and try to write now and then. Wait a minute....

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    1. Ha! I know, I think it's a toss up. ;)

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  18. I loved defending yourself with nothing but a handful of weeds but died laughing when I got to the speed skating to answer the phone. I'm still laughing.

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    1. :) They say the best humor comes from real life - unfortunately.

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  19. Two years ago I decided "Snowman building" should be an Olympic sport. First you dress two boys, 4 and 2 in their snowsuits - TWICE - because they remember they have to go potty immediately after they step outside. Then you push ridiculously heavy balls of snow/leaves across the yard until you convince the little minions that "they are big enough!" Finally you have to perform reconstructive surgery on the snowman's face as they try to pound rock "eyes" into it, until it just falls off completely. Stick a stocking cap on it and call it good as GOLD!

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    1. That's perfect! I especially love how you have to dress them twice - uggghhhh, so true! I can never decide if I hate snow gear or sunscreen application more - I guess it depends on when you ask me. ;)

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Thank you for commenting - you're awesome! I mean, even if you're a jerk, at least it means you read my blog. RIGHT?!?

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