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Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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Lowlights of my Summer Vacation

As many of you know, unless it's your first time here, or if you normally tune out as your eyes skim along the lines of text because you're only visiting to have something on your laptop to make you look busy enough to discourage small talk from strangers as you sit in Starbucks to borrow their Wi-Fi and hide from the children, I've been on vacation for a week.

It was great!  A whole week of swimming in a crystal clear lake, drinking wine out of a juice glass, and being forced to interact with my family because there was no internet connection.
Well, it was mostly great.
99.9999% of the week was perfect, but as you can probably guess, I have some Awesome Vacation Moments to share with you, and yes, if you were to pronounce that sentence out loud, the "Awesome" would be silent.  Here are the lowlights of a week on the lake:
  1. After digging around in the shallow water, Gerry found a cool rock; it was oval and perfectly smooth and had a milky translucence.  "We're keeping this rock forever!" he declared.  Handing it back to him, I casually mentioned it seemed kind of like an egg.  "It is not  an egg," he scoffed, just before he squeezed it and sprayed Mystery Egg Contents all over both of us.
  2. Madeline conquered her debilitating fear of shoes and  learned to climb stairs.  This is great news, but mostly only if you like it when your baby insists on playing with filthy shoes and scampering up and down the stairs all day.
    Here's a photo of M and me on the stairs for the eleventy millionth time.
    If you look closely, you can see me losing my will to live.
  3. Zoe asked to have watermelon for breakfast.  Wanting her to eat something more substantial, I suggested toast.  She countered with donut.  Somehow she ended up with an Oreo Pop Tart.  In related news, I suck at negotiation.
  4. Some of the decor was a little scary.  Like the dining room tablescape, which included a crab that looked like an elementary-school sculpture of a human heart, and a gigantic stuffed parrot that dangled menacingly over our bed.
  5. While we were swimming together, Zoe suddenly informed me that I have a mustache.  I asked what I should do about it, and she told me to shave.  When I pointed out that would give me "pokes" (which is what she calls stubble), she said, "That's okay, you can just tell people you fell on a faceful of knives," which is apparently a look I can pull off with relative ease.
  6. The lake house came equipped with a pedal boat. 
    Bon voyage!  I hope you don't die!
    The boys seemed to have no trouble, but when Gerry and I took it out, something snapped (which is rarely a good sign, in case you don't know much about boating) and we got stranded on the lake with no steering.  Miraculously we made it back, Gerry worked on the boat and coaxed me back into it with the famous last words, "Don't you trust my engineering?"  You guessed it - stranded again.  We waited for the owner to fix it (excuse me - "fix" it), then tried a third time; on the opposite end of the lake we lost steering and  started to take on water - rapidly - at which point I freaked right the hell out,  we frantically hand-paddled back to shore, ditched the boat on someone else's beach, and walked home. 

    But we had beer with us, so considering we didn't end up sinking to the bottom of the lake like a stone, it was actually kind of fun. 

    Except for Gerry, who wasn't wearing shoes.
  7. This is Zoe in her Gurgling Mask. 
    Her brother tried all week to convince her it was called Snorkeling, not Gurgling, but she wasn't about to listen to him.  Nor was she willing to give up her unusual Gurgling style.
  8. When we got home after being gone for 8 days, I unpacked Zoe's bag.  Six of her eight pairs of underwear were still clean.  You can do the math on that one.

Don't get me wrong, there were a lot of good moments, too.  I mean, I'd have to be dead inside to not find some  noteworthy highlights of such a great vacation!

  1. I believe I mentioned the wine.
  2. Also...
    Shut up!  How else was I going to gain 7 lbs in a week?
  3. I was going to get a photo of the sunrise, which I was awake for every single day  (thanks, Madeline), but I was too busy spying on the neighbors with binoculars.
  4. Perhaps to avoid being disowned for her mustache crack, Zoe saw me in my Team Cool Kids shirt and said I looked like a teenager!
    I think the logo is there, somewhere under all that hair.
    Of course, she said it with disdain dripping from her voice, as an embarrassed 16-year-old might say if I tried to take her to the mall while sporting a halter top and skinny jeans. I plan on taking it as a compliment anyway.
  5. Watching the kids try to move the diving platform closer to the dock using only a short plastic rake, a baby's golf club, and a pool noodle might be the funniest thing I've ever seen in my whole life.
  6. I did get at least a few pics of Jake with his hair combed and not  doing the double finger guns - oh no wait, no I didn't.
  7. Baby feet in the sand - enough said.
  8. Toasted marshmallows - also enough said.
    Madeline attempts to eat marshmallow directly out of Kennedy's mouth.
  9. I am now the proud caretaker of Dead Things And Only Mostly Dead Things In A Bucket, a.k.a. the world's most disgusting pile of souvenirs.
There is no way to escape a beach without
a bucket of dead things.

So there you have it, our vacation in a nutshell.  I hope you enjoyed this recap of someone else's vacation at least  as much as people normally like to hear about a dream somebody had that doesn't make sense or mean anything, or a timeshare opportunity, or a lengthy story involving rutabagas.


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30 comments:

  1. Love the egg story, lol! Looks like a great setting for a vacation!

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    1. It was beautiful! The setting, not the egg. The egg was gross (but funny). :)

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  2. I thought The Baby was my favorite kid (because she told me to) but I love Zoe's attitude and made up words. And Oreo PopTarts.

    Glad you made it back alive. Beer is magic.

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    Replies
    1. Ha! I live in fear that Zoe will teach Maddie her tricks and someday they'll team up on me. I have no chance whatsoever against TWO of them.

      Beer IS magic. I think I need one now, as a matter of fact.

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  3. This reminds me of a dream I had once where these people were trying to sell me time shares of rutabagas, which makes no sense.

    I also now want to go camping with the family. Not necessary my family. But definitely with a family. Maybe with a well behaved not so much work kind of family. I wonder if you can rent those.

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    Replies
    1. I think your best bet is to just wander out into the woods alone and get lost. Surviving in the wild, Bear Grylls-style, is probably easier than the easiest of rental families.

      P.S. Great story! Tell me more about those rutab... zzzzz......

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  4. Loved Zoe's game face in the Gurgling Mask. She really owns that one. ;)

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    Replies
    1. Totally! :) She's not opposed to having her photo taken - at all. Repeatedly. All day.

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  5. that crab looks like something that should have been in Eraserhead, or maybe somthing that should have remained in Sam Raimi's pre Evil Dead imagination...eeeesh...i used to think crabs were adorable, so thanks for the ruinous nightmares, random cabin decorators...and stop with the baby feet in sand pictures! they're making me want to have something around the house that's cute and chubby and not myself :)

    ReplyDelete
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    1. The thing. Was. Hideous. The photo somehow added an element of kitch that - I assure you - was NOT present in the actual beast. You're SO spot on with Eraserhead - I'm still laughing at that! :)

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  6. Love the picture of the baby feet!!! And I enjoy hearing about other people's vacations as I haven't been on one in 10 years...unless you count Iraq. Which I don't because you could only buy bootleg liquor from questionable sources.

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    Replies
    1. Rest assured, I don't count going to Iraq as a vacation any more than I count my kids' sandwich crusts as a 5-star meal. Really, anyplace where you can't get decent bootleg liquor is off my vacation list.

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  7. Snorting at #3 (in the lowlights section) and cringing at the mysterious egg contents--ack!

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    Replies
    1. Ha - #3 is so par for the course around here. Then again, the egg thing is, too. ;)

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  8. I love laughing at husbands when they're wrong, like breaking an egg, or a pedal boat. Both of those events would have been worth it just to have something to hang over his head.

    Welcome home!

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    1. Thanks! Yeah, I gave him a pretty hard time about the egg, but we all had to agree the pedal boat was more the owner's fault - when he came across the lake towing the stupid thing behind his pontoon boat, he told me all about how it broke the first day he ever had it and that it was a cheap piece of junk. From then on, all near-death experiences were blamed on him. :)

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  9. OMG, if one of my kids wanted watermelon for breakfast I would TOTALLY give it to him...What? I don't have to cook eggs or pancakes or clean up puddles of soggy cereal? Here, take the whole thing!

    Giggles through your whole vaca...Welcome back, and glad that it doesn't seem like you need a vaca from your vaca...*I* always do!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know, I should've quit while I was ahead, right??? When else am I going to have a breakfast with no cooking, plus the ability to send her outside to eat and then throw her in a lake for clean-up? If I had it all to do again... ;)

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  10. How much fun! Love the sweet baby feet in the sand. And I think pop-tarts for breakfast are awesome. :-)

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    1. They are awesome, but now I fear I'll never get them to eat anything else - Zoe rolled out of bed this morning and immediately announced, "I don't like cereal anymore. Can I have a Pop Tart for breakfast?" THIS time I negotiated her into an English muffin, though (whew). :)

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    2. Jjust comvince her pop tarts are "vacation food." Whenever we go on vacation we buy the fruit loops, or frosted flakes or any other sugar coma inducing brand the kids beg for and that is their special "vacation" cereal. They never ask for it at home.

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    3. That's a good idea! I already do that with hugs ("No no, honey - love is just for vacations.") but I bet it would work for food, too! ;)

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  11. that rock was super cool until it wasn't a rock anymore.

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    1. Darn right it was - coolest non-rock rock ever.

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  12. It wasn't a mustache...it was a pan of brownies on your upper lip.
    I eat watermelons for breakfast...and I wash it down with a pot of cofffee. Totally healthy.

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    1. I didn't think of that - I can't believe I wasted some of the brownies!!!

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  13. Watermelons, parrot, crab, sand, mustache... How many impressions! I think your vacation was really great.

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