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Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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It's The Baby's Life For Me

I've been asked who I would like to trade places with for a day.

Guess who I chose.
Hmm, wait a minute, don't tell me...

With all the perks, who wouldn't  want to be the baby instead of the mom?

On the day that I'm the baby, everything I wear will look adorable.   I won't suck in my stomach or try to extend my neck to minimize the number of chins I have showing.  I won't worry that my thighs are spilling out of my shorts like soft serve ice cream, or that I'm developing jowls on my shoulder blades.  I'll have a whole day to embrace the chub.
 
Work it, girl!

Instead of my usual routine of feeling like a screw-up while dealing with complaints and sass talk, everything I do all day, including blowing spit bubbles and passing gas, will be considered absolutely amazing and met with a furious round of applause.

And what will  I do all day long?  There's no drudgery for babies.  No bills, no chores, no stress other than the fact that every time one of your parents leaves the room they're GONE FOREVER!
Oh no, wait, there they are.
Anyway, everything for babies is fun.  Walking around the coffee table?  Yes.  With a clean towel (which I'll take out of the freshly folded laundry) wrapped around my shoulders?  Yes!  For two hours?  HOORAY!

"I am in the zone."

Not only is everything fun for babies, it's also easy.  I'll grunt to express every emotion from elation to boredom to severe dissatisfaction, and watch everyone scramble to figure out what the hell I meant.  I'll point to have objects brought closer to me, even though I have no idea what I want.  I'll do a grunt/point combo to get the nearest Walking Person to take me wherever I want to go, in whatever mode of transportation I demand.


When it comes to meal time, instead of acting as short order cook only to have half of what I prepared just get pushed around on the plate, I'll  be the one to whip up a Tray Tornado and throw bits of strawberry into the cat's dish.  Any guess who's cleaning up?  Not me - that's Mommy's job.

"Hey you - get over here.  Bring the Swiffer.
...eh, better make it the Wet Jet.

What I'm saying is, babies get away with a lot.  Here, Maddie is pictured... um... expressing her creativity.


When I express my  creativity by playing the piano with my face, people assume I'm drunk.  Likewise, they do not think it's cute when I steal cash out of their purses.

"All your things are belong to me!"

So basically, for the entire time that I'm the baby, I'll get a free pass to be an insane, obnoxious kleptomaniac.  Score!

Plus, instead of fighting for three seconds alone in the bathroom, I'll slap on a diaper and, when the urge strikes, I'll toddle into my Pooping Corner - you know every kid has one - and nobody  bothers a serious-faced baby when she's in the Pooping Corner.

For that reason alone I might spend all. day. in the Pooping Corner.

Until I get tired, that is; Mommy may stumble around, sleep deprived in a half-coma with her eyelids stapled to her forehead, but on the day I'm the baby it'll be non-stop nap time.

"I'm going to rest up so I can really impress you with
the wild thrashing I have planned for my next diaper change."

Can you blame me?  Being the baby is way  better than being the mommy.  Name one good reason why I should want to be the mom!

"Um, let's see.  Babies can't type, for one,
so no blogging, and then there's wine..."

Oh yeah, you can stop there.


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since it looks like I'm going to keep on being the mommy after all!
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This post is linked up today with Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop, responding to the prompt, "If you could magically become any member of your family for just one day, who would you become?"

Also, join Finding the Funny with Kelley's Break Room and My Life and Kids!

And I linked up to Ketchup With Us on Old Dog, New Tits - join in the fun!

I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing!


33 comments:

  1. Hysterical, and yet logical, post! Who wouldn't want to be this baby?

    Stopping over from Mama Kat's

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Right?!? The only time you might not want to be the baby is when she's getting her fingernails clipped; judging by her reaction, it's absolute torture!

      Thanks for stopping by! :)

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  2. You forgot to mention your Mesmermizing Baby Staring Skills, where you can get people from far off lands to *almost* want a baby of their own, by hypnotizing them with your cuteness.

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    1. Oh no, I would only use my baby cuteness for Good! Maddie's the evil one trying to exert influence over other people's uteruses (uteri?).

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  3. I think that you are totally onto something here. Being a baby would be totally awesome if you nothing else then they amount of naps you could take.

    Stopped by from Mama Kat's :)

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    1. I thought so, too - mmmmm, naps....

      Thanks for stopping by!

      Delete
  4. OK, your little one has the BEST expressions on her sweet little face. When are you going to run a caption contest type post? Clearly, she will never let you run out of blog fodder. Ever.

    As for me, Hmmmm....I don't want to be the baby because he is 2 and in the throes of verbal frustration. I would HATE it if no one understood what I was saying and I had to have a temper tantrum every time I wanted something.

    No desire to be the older child either because he makes bad choices all the time, has a little brother who harasses him and he still can't wipe his own butt.

    No. I want to be my husband. He gets to leave the house sans children everyday. When he leaves they act like the World is coming to an end. While he is gone he can make a phone call without interruption, He can go to the loo without interruption (hopefully). He can go where ever he wants for an uninterrupted lunch and comes home to dinner waiting and the kids treating him like he is a returning hero. YEah, the husband in this house has it goooood.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Good call! The husband's life does sound pretty sweet.
      I miss making phone calls - it's way too noisy around here, and when it's quiet it means I'm holding a sleeping baby and I don't dare make a peep. :) Ohhhh, and the business lunch. I do miss those. I never once had to tell my coworkers to eat over their plates or remind them where dirty dishes go.

      Your caption contest idea was such a good one, except then I realized contests have prizes and I don't have anything anyone wants!!! Which was actually kind of sad, but I got over it. I guess we do have a pile of stuff that I was eventually going to sell on eBay. Do you think anyone wants to win my old wedding dress or a retro Sega system that probably doesn't work? Hello? HELLO???

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    2. LOL, I can add the dress from my first weeding, too! I never had a little girl and I doubt my sons will want it. Maybe they will? I should really just give it away...Know anyone who wants a poofy wedding dress circa 1992? (yes, I was very young for my first marriage, probably the reason it was my FIRST marriage...So stupid...) Wait...where was I?

      Contest. You can do like the Mommy Shorts Lady and give the winner the honor of deciding the winner of the next caption contest. Or.....the winner can get face time on your blog....or just a big ol HIGH FIVE...or, just make it for fun and not a contest at all....or....You can just ignore my suggestion since it would make more work for you and, really, who the Hell needs that? I sure don't. Oy.

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    3. Ha - LESS work, since I can just post pics and leave the funny captions to everyone else! :)

      Delete
  5. I want the privilege of developing jowls on my shoulder blades, too. I absolutely love this and laughed until I peed a little.

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    1. Yes! As you know, loss of bladder control is always my primary goal. :D

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  6. Another great thing about being a baby is that you can be as rude as you want to people you don't like or even strangers and everyone will say you're just being a little shy. Sweet.

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    1. Adults aren't supposed to do that??? Well, that explains a lot.

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  7. Sounds good to me! especially the naps, and not sucking in my belly, and well everything!

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    1. I can tell you, it was NOT difficult to come up with perks. :)

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  8. I am looking at my baby in his swing right now. Makes me want a hammock. Being a baby is awesome! Now I wanna be one... Waaahh

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    1. I'm with you - there's so much baby gear that I can't believe they don't make in adult sizes. How comfortable would a bouncy seat be???

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  9. umm would it be weird if I give the poop corner a try even if I'm not a baby? Do I sound desperate for alone time? This is HILARIOUS! Have you heard of Finding the Funny? You should link it up with that too!

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    1. I try to do Finding the Funny as often as I can - those links have me laughing all day Wednesday!

      As for the poop corner, all I can say for sure is that would definitely get you some alone time! :)

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  10. Replies
    1. Totally, but the grass is always greener, isn't it? My kids can't WAIT to grow up, and I spend the whole day wishing I could goof off and have someone feed me snacks. :)

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  11. It would be pretty sweet to be the baby for a day. The problem with that? Then you'd have to put up with us. The horror!

    Great stuff, babe! I'll bet I could get some hits on my page if I told your readers that I'd give them sneak peaks at posts you're currently constructing. Hmm... there's a really awesome one coming up soon. It made me laugh and it was just in it's infancy.

    You see what I did there? Baby, infancy... no? :(

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    1. Tsk tsk - you keep your eyeballs (and questionable puns) off my posts! ;)

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  12. Knowing my luck, the day I elect to be baby I'm teething and have the scoots!

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  13. Embracing the chub and being allowed to be a kleptomaniac = the two best reasons for being a baby! Plus, you forgot that babies make great blog fodder. Especially cute babies who are caught in really cute poses being super cute.

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    1. p.s. my 6 year old boy says your baby is really cute. On a side note, I need to be careful now that he's old enough to read. Do you think you could make sure your blog material is appropriate for 6 year olds?

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    2. I'll do my best, although I have been known to accidentally corrupt my own children, who like to stealthily creep up behind me and read over my shoulder. >:/

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    3. Embrace the Chub. I've been trying to sell myself on that one for years. Stupid postpartum body. Love your entry, Robyn. What a cute little smoosh you have there. Thanks for playing Ketchup!

      Marian, where are you? We miss you at KWU!

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    4. Thanks, ODNT! And yeaaaaaah, Marian - where are you hiding???

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  14. I tried to be the dog for a day once but I was pretty hungover and didn't have kids yet.

    What is with them putting things around their shoulders?Margot is always trying to situate giant blankets, socks, underwear, you name it around her neck and wander around.

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    1. Glad it's not just mine - all laundry is fair game. Yes, underwear too. ;) We won't talk about the things I used to do as a young, childless hungover person...

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