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Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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I Failed At June

Well, it's already July, y'all.  We plowed through June like I plow through a bag of mini-Kit Kats.
Delicately at first, with the best intentions of savoring every moment, then gradually working myself into a lathered frenzy that crescendos into a frenetic blur of enjoyment mixed with self-loathing, followed by a nap.
Maybe my analogy isn't perfect, but you know what I mean.  There were good times and low points, but overall I think we can all agree that it's over and I gained seven pounds.

At the beginning of the summer I posted a list of things that I planned to do in June, and since I'm nothing if not introspective (read: out of things to write about), I thought I'd go back over the list and see how I did.

Plan To Go To The Zoo

Negatory.  Didn't even pretend  to plan to go.  The problem is, the animals are in cages.  Aside from the obvious ethical issues that arise from imprisoning animals (she said to appease the anti-zoo animal lovers), the fact that they're in cages also means that I know they're not going anywhere.   This does very little to motivate quick action on my part.  "Eh, those zoo animals aren't going anywhere," you'll often hear me say to the children from the couch, right before I tell them to quit asking to do stuff and to go get Mommy another beer. 

Shave My Legs

I did manage this one prior to our lake trip, since it was mandated by the National Wildlife Federation for my own protection.  It's a little-known fact that 87% of recreational lake fatalities are caused by women going outside in tankinis prior to shedding their winter coat and subsequently being mistaken for a Sasquatch wearing a walrus, which are currently in season.

Side note:  My mom didn't go in the water while we were at the lake.  On a possibly related note, she was unable to meet the NWF requirement due to her discovery that the surprisingly silky shave delivered by her 37¢ disposable razor was thanks to the fact that she'd left the plastic safety cap over the blades.

Lake Vacation

Yes, we went, and I think everyone's tired of hearing about the lake.  I'm sure it was lovely there, but all we saw was this view because the baby refuses to walk without holding on to someone's finger.


Promise To Set Up The Sprinkler

I'm afraid this is another failure, because we don't even have a sprinkler right now.  Gerry almost bought one, but then he realized that would give him the chore of watering the lawn, which could potentially bring the grass back to life and necessitate the chore of mowing, so he skipped it.  I'm telling you, our yard may be a tinderbox of crispy yellow grass and shriveled, dead leaves, but in a few more days whatever's left out there will just disintegrate and blow away, leaving us with nothing but nonflammable, maintenance-free dirt.  That man's a genius.

For what it's worth, my sister-in-law saved me from completely depriving my kids of sprinkler fun by setting one up at her house.  Watching them made me remember how little time kids spend actually running through the sprinkler because they're too busy carrying it around and using it as a weapon.

The girl holding a bucket is my niece.
She looks like she has a plan, amIright?

Think About Bike Riding

Honestly, I forgot about this one until just now.  Oops.

Get A Sunburn

I actually managed to avoid a sunburn since we kept running out of SPF -10 Dear God Please Hurry Up And Get Me A Tan lotion, so I used quite a bit of the kids' SPF 2000 Equivalent To Wearing An Invisible Snowsuit lotion.

Make Zoe's Pillowcase Dresses

Believe it or not I actually did this one, and  I even wrote a tutorial (sort of) for making it.  Actually, it's less of a tutorial and more of an explanation of the things I did wrong, which I may or may not publish in the future depending on where it falls on the following diagram.


Panic About West Nile

What with distractions like the big TomKat breakup and wildfires and record heat, national news teams have really dropped the ball as far as getting us whipped into a panic about Summer Pandemics is concerned.  I've hardly given it a thought, and by the 4th of July I'd made a conscious decision not to worry about West Nile - or the kids' health in general.  Or the health of my liver.

Complain About the Neighbor's Fireworks

Absolutely.  As if I need an excuse to complain about my neighbors.

Find A Balance

I had zero expectation of being able to handle blogging and  paying attention to my kids, so I'm not surprised this one is a big fat no.  I'm considering signing each of them up for a Twitter account, which is the best way to reach me during the day when I'm upstairs blogging.  As a bonus, it restricts their tattling, whining, and snack requests to 140 characters or less.

So there we have it - I'm currently at a 40% success rate, if you can call that a success.   How are you doing on your summer bucket list?

1 click below = 1 vote = I love you.
I'll love you even more if you come over, wrestle my bike out of the garage, hose the spider colonies off it, replace the wheels which are probably oval because it's been hanging upside-down for 5 years, grease the chains or whatever you do with them, and air up the tires.  Then if you could ride around on it for me, too, I'd really appreciate it.  No?  Well, you can see why I haven't done it either.
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41 comments:

  1. The upside of shaving your legs with the cap on, is that there is very little blood. So shark attacks are highly unlikely.

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    1. You jest, but we were mercilessly attacked by bluegill every time we came within 50 yards of the water's edge - I understand that's not exactly the same as a shark attack, but MAN those bluegill bites tickle!

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    2. here's where i tattle on you for being afraid of a bunch of tiny almost-fish. people pay good money for the fish-nibble pedicures. you got that junk for FREE, and a little bum nipping to boot(y). :)

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    3. That is so true, I shrieked like a little girl every time a fish touched me, until I saw Maddie acting like she was afraid of them and I had to put on my brave Don't Pass On My Irrational Fears To The Children face. I'm not sure she was convinced by my plastic smile, but I did let them bite me. :)

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    4. Shaving with the cap on was my favorite part of this post!!

      Did I send you to my post on pillow case dress gone very wrong? If not, it's really worth it, I promise.

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    5. You sure did, and that junk was fun-NY! :)

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  2. Somehow, I got the Portuguese/German legs and my sisters got the Scotch/Irish legs. Read: I have to shave e v e r y d a y and they don't. Or there will be Sasquatch alerts in my neighborhood. So I have little sympathy in that department.

    Good luck with July! I haven't done 90% of what I said I would do with the kids either. And I also make lists. And I LOVE to cross things OFF said lists. But it's been so HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT and I don't function well in the heat. Even in sir conditioned heat. Because then I have to go outside. In the heat. Ugh.

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    1. These are the things I cling to when I start to wish I had a sister, because I'm not sure I could handle it if she got better leg hair genes than me.

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    2. Well, I get better head hair genes, so I guess it all worked out.

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  3. I didn't create a bucket list, as it would obligate me to do things. As you see, if you write it down, you must do it. BUT, if it stays in your head, you, or me in this case, is likely to forget it, which, in turn, makes you, or in this case me, feel less guilty about not doing said things. See, in this case, I think I win. Did I type the phrase 'in this case' enough?

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    1. In this case, I think you could've said it at least one more time. ;)

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  4. "Eh, those zoo animals aren't going anywhere," you'll often hear me say to the children from the couch, right before I tell them to quit asking to do stuff and to go get Mommy another beer."

    And end scene because that was the most awesome thing I'll read all day. Please tell me you'll use that on your book jacket when you finish writing it. You are writing it, aren't you? Go ahead and add that to the to-do list.

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    1. I was going to have YOU write my book jacket, as I'll be busy writing fake reviews by the NY Times and Redbook and Reader's Digest! But if you must decline I understand, I still thank you for the niceness and for tweeting the post! ;)

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  5. I've successfully mixed several different things with whiskey and have sprayed the kids with a hose a few of times so I'm pretty much blazing through my summer to do list.

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    1. Way to go! I *thought* you were going to say you sprayed the kids with whiskey, but there's always August.

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  6. My summer to-do list is comprised totally of "Do Not Hogtie Your Kids And Put Them In The Closet." 98% success rate at the time of this comment.

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    1. Hahhahaha!!! That's not a bad completion percentage. :)

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  7. that's a lot of "kats" for one post. could you see your way clear to driving that plow through a pile of mini tomkats? that'd be tight.

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  8. The zoo is waay stinky and hot and full of cranky kids and their families in the summer. Wait till fall!

    We've figured out the watering schedule at some of the local parks/playgrounds/schools...enjoy the sprinkler fun without the work.

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    1. I can't believe how smart that is!!! Genius! Plus we'll be able to tell right away which places water their grass by what color it is, on a scale from emerald green to dusty beige. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to get the kids in their swimsuits and drive around town until we find a sprinkler going...

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  9. This sasquatch wearing a walrus loves you. Big time. I also find that the hairier I am, the more I get away with muddled grunts and OOOOHs as acceptable form of communication. So, I think I'll keep the "sheen". If only to ward off jellyfish attacks. Jellies hate hair. Learned that in 7th grade when the jelly sandals would get stuck to my pre-pubescent toe hair. There's always July love...or, August. Let's be real. xo

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    1. You've made me feel SO much better! Or, should I say, unga grunt mmmpfffr GrOOwrl!!? Especially if it keeps the jellies away - I got stuck in the middle of a herd of jellies once. Not pretty. Screamed through my snorkle. I hates me some jellies. ;)

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  10. Ha, I am floored that it is mostly mid-July already but I feel much more able to tell my Guilt Mistress to quit cracking that freakin whip already now that I know that I'm not the only one who hasn't moved all the Christmas shit to get my bike out...GO TEAM COOL KIDS!

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    1. Totally - I'm not even sure I have bikes for both the kids behind the piles of stuff. I'm willing to bet the ones I have are wayyyy smaller than I remember. But the kids can just use them as roller skates or something - I *will* ride bikes this year. Maybe.

      gooooOOOOOOO TEAM!

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  11. Dude, I so want to set up a sprinkler...but I have a chocolate lab that takes giant trophy dumps and I'm not into poo cleaning.
    Selfish?
    You facking bet ya

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    1. Ek, not only the cleaning, but the potential to have "missed a spot" - not worth it. Nass-tee.

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  12. I loved that one of the items on your list wasn't "bike riding", but "think about bike riding." Hilarious!

    I'm Anne, from Life on the Funny Farm (I linked up AMNBU #165), visiting from Finding the Funny today.

    Good luck with the remaining months of summer!

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    1. Thanks for visiting! I'm always happy to inspire people to feel better about themselves by failing to meet my own already low standards. ;)

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  13. Eh 40% isn't bad! You have more ambition than me! ;)

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    1. Thanks! I'd have a better percentage if I lowered my standards, wouldn't I? ;)

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  14. Wait. I'm supposed to have a list of things I plan to do? Oops.

    As soon as my 3yo can type, I am soooo signing her up for Twitter. Best. Idea. Ever.

    PS - I adore your blog. Adding it to my blogroll. :-)

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    1. In hindsight, I don't recommend writing anything down - it makes it harder to deny you had goals.

      Thank you so much for blogrolling me - I'm so flattered! :D

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  15. I LOVE your diagram of blog posts. I currently have 67 half-finished drafts in my folder, and they all fall under one of those outlier categories. To be fair, sometimes I can redo them (a year later) and move them Pulitzer-ward--though for every draft I finally complete, I add three more incomplete attempts to the pile.

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    1. Ha! Glad you can relate - I wish half my drafts were half as good as I thought they were going to be when I started writing them. :)

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  16. Dying over the lawn comment. I love you. Platonically, obvs. But if you're leg shaving, I could change my mind. (Too much? Meh. See your own Venn Diagram and put this weird come-on comment in the right circle.)

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    1. Nicole, you know I'd shave for you any old day - I'd even try to get that spot behind my knee that I always miss and then discover later when I'm doing something super-sexy like itching my dry skin or swatting a bug. Mmmmhmmm.

      P.S. I'm pretty sure I'm getting into "delete to avoid frightening people" territory.

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  17. See, I feel like I learned a lot from this post. I had no idea about the leg shaving requirement and did not know that you could actually set up the sprinkler--vs. just letting it lay out there and decorate your yard. Incredibly helpful info.

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    1. I'm like a walking Public Service Announcement! No wait, I meant Cautionary Tale.

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  18. This was so funny.

    And brilliant.

    A list of the fails because why not?

    Document that shit.

    xo

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    1. Thanks! I figure my fails are so obvious around here, I might as well get some blog fodder out of them. But after reading your post on faking hard work (wearing gardening gloves in the hammock - genius!) things might change around here on that front - assuming the kids don't rat me out for sitting at the computer all day.

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