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Monday, July 16, 2012

10 Completely Non-Snarky Thank Yous

What do you mean I'm negative and whiny and ungrateful and pessimistic?

Oh wait, that wasn't you talking?  Must've been that pesky voice in my head.

Anyway, I've been feeling a little bit like a Negative Nelly lately.  Not that I'm actually a negative person in real life, but sometimes I feel like my blog posts and Twitter tweets and Facebook whatevers are all "this sucks" that, and "that sucks" this, or something else that doesn't sound vaguely inappropriate.  I do like to snicker at the things I screw up and roll my eyes when I realize my baby's been trying to feed me boogers, but occasionally I wonder it comes off like I'm really complaining when in fact I just have a hormonal imbalance that prevents me from keeping my snark in check.

It's a medical condition.  WebMD will back me up on this, I'm sure.

So Stasha's Monday Listicles prompt, "thanks," couldn't have come along at a better time.  It's my big opportunity to show you all that I really can do more than whine about stuff!  Maybe.

1. Thank you to the family next to us at the beach.
My kids, relieved to finally be outside in temps under 100 degrees, probably thought I was being unreasonable by instructing them not to act like cracked-out lunatics when we got to the beach.  But when you passed out on the sand, allowing your screaming children to run amok and position themselves directly in front of our towels, wildly flinging sand over their shoulders onto us as they dug holes in which to pee, you proved my point in a way I never could have without your shining example.

2. Thank you to Gerry.
I really appreciate you carrying Madeline as I chased the other kids up the eleventybillion stairs that are tacked precariously to the side of the dunes, as my atrophied leg muscles filled with lactic acid on the third step and the only thing that kept me going was my certainty that the kids were going to get tetanus on a jagged, rusty nail.  If I'd had to climb up there while carrying a 27-pound baby, I'd be writing this post from my hospital bed.



3. Thank you, Comic Sans font.
You have long been my early warning system that I am about to read something I'm not going to take seriously.

4. Thank you to my mom.
Your invitation to watch Jake and Zoe while we went to a political function allowed me to just be the Candidate's Wife who was chasing the baby around the buffet table, and not the Wife Of the Opposing Candidate, who had to let her kids give each other piggy back rides up and down the aisles while she cleaned up the bright red Hawaiian Punch they'd spilled all over the floor and their over-starched Easter clothes.

5. Thank you, bathroom scale.
I appreciate your daily reminders that I weigh almost the same as I did pre-pregnancy, even though somehow all the pounds that used to be muscle have been replaced by room-temperature Jell-o, and  it's sort of making me wish this were the kind of plateau I could jump off of to my death.

6. Thank you, Wheeler Dealers.
Your appearance on my TV late at night allows me to drift off to sleep on the couch without any fear whatsoever that I'm going to miss something interesting.

7. Thanks to ReMax.
I can't thank you enough for being the only realtors brave enough to attempt to sell the house-shaped pile of garbage next door. We toured the place last week, thinking maybe we could fix it up, or at least fix up the side that faces our house, and the smell alone, described by my husband as a blend of "paranoia and decaying plastic flowers," would have frightened away a lessor realtor.  Bravo.

8. Thank you to the elderly lady in the grocery line.
I appreciate the extra time you gave me to spend with my starving, cranky children, trapped in between racks of sugar bombs and the Shape magazine cover girls, while you dredged the depths of your purse for your checkbook.  An additional tip of the hat for managing to unearth a few ancient sticks of gum while you were elbow-deep in there and offering them to my kids, like a couple stale, minty two-by-fours.

9. Thank you, mute button.
Without you, I'd have to listen to the weirdly excited guy tell me at every commercial break about how Medicare can help me avoid using a dirty catheter.

10. Thank you to my camera.
With your help, I'm able to consistently capture an image of whatever happens right after  the thing I wanted to take a picture of.



There, how was that?  What, it still seemed a little sarcastic?  Damn this infernal medical condition!

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61 comments:

  1. This is why I love you.
    OK. No. 3. As someone who works with design, I can say that this amused me to no end (perhaps that's why they named it "Comic" eh?) Also? No capitalization or all caps let me know that I'm hearing from a possible douche.

    No. 9. My grandma used to do this all the freaking time when we were little. Except she would forget to turn it back on, so we would be watching Jeopardy or something and have no clue what the answer was until someone rocked her back. Ahh...what is, fuzzy memories for $250 Alex?

    Thank YOU for the laugh that I needed this morning.

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    1. Ha! My husband is the Chief of the Mute Police, by which I mean he's on a mission to never ever hear a commercial on TV, not that he's in charge of a bunch of police officers who can't talk. It does result in missing quite a bit of actual programming, but it's worth it to avoid hearing the uber-Australian guy on the Outback commercials (P.S. everyone should go over and read Abby's super-funny post about ads: http://abbyhasissues.com/2012/07/03/truth-in-advertising/)!

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  2. awesome. super duper awesomeness.

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    1. Thank you, HMM! I miss you on the Twitter - I think I've been a social slacker lately. :)

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  3. I love your snark. If it is a medical condition, it must be contagious. Seriously, I would MUCH rather hear about someone sarcastically sharing little tid-bits about their reality than those that say stupid stuff like, "This day is precious, enjoy every minute" (You read that in a high pitched sing song saccharin voice? Right?) Or, "My children are SUCH Angels...I couldn't have wished for a better set of triplets" Ugh. We know anyone who ISN'T full of snark is full of shit. Snark away, Sister. I love it!

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    1. "I couldn't have wished for a better set of triplets" - HA! Thank you SO MUCH for supporting my snark - I really don't know how else to be, and although I am grateful deep down (really, really deep down) I just can't bring myself to used words like "precious," unless it's in a context such as, "You want me to get up and make you a snack after I just fed you lunch? Isn't that precious?" :)

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    2. Maybe YOU should run for Office. On the Snark Platform, of course. Get all of the nonsense out of Gov't.

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    3. That would either be wildly popular, or people wouldn't get it and I'd have to move out of state. :)

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  4. Ahahahah! Keep the snark! Keep it! Comic sans font- so true. It really is "comic sans", as in without comic. Or without comicalness (comedy?). Whatever.

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    1. Thanks, Laura, I will! Also, if comicalness isn't a word, it should be. :)

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  5. You aren't too snarky, you just über observant. :)

    #8 times a million. In my little town, things like debit cards are the stuff of Buck Rogers and everyone still pays by check. Why is it that they don't even start *looking* for the check book until 10 minutes after they are given the total??

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    1. Do you live in Uzbekistan? That would explain the ATM thing. The Buck Rogers thing made me choke on my bagel. Probably just now airing in most of the 'stans.

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    2. I second the reaction to Buck Rogers, except I'm not eating a bagel so I just choked on my saliva. Because I'm classy.

      And EXACTLY, on the fact that they wait until the last second to get out the checkbook. Why??? If the total had been 2 cents less would you have paid in cash? The answer is yes, and it would have been all loose change.

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    3. I don't live in Uzbekistan, but Chechnya is one of my favorite words. Does that count?

      Aww, aren't ya'll cute! The family that chokes together, stays together, I always say. =0)

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    4. Chechnya totally counts!

      Also, I believe "The family that chokes together, stays together" was the Manson Family motto. (Too soon?)

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  6. Robyn last night: "It's hard to make being thankful funny." Well, congratulations on another challenge bested! I particularly like #6, because you know you love that show, the way the buyer squeals with glee when he gets a good deal, wondering out loud what sort of leprotic skin condition the mechanic must have that prompts him to always be wearing what appear to be day-glow industrial work glove/sleeves.

    Also, those kids better not have been peeing in those holes.

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    1. Thanks honey - but I do not like Wheeler Dealers, except I guess you're right that I do get a chuckle out of the buyer guy giving people unexpected full-body hugs.

      We won't discuss the beach pee.

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  7. Can we start a support group b/c I think I suffer from the same medical condition! The family at the beach....SERIOUSLY? I would have politely suggested (or I would have in my brain) "hey kids how about you dig a hole above your mom's head to pee. She will REALLY appreciate you showering off the nasty ocean smell. you'll probably get new toys and no bedtime and whatever else you want. Every parent DREAMS of having their children dig a whole, pee in it and soak their napping parents.!"

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    1. Ha, I wish I'd thought of that angle! Frankly I probably could have peed on the mom myself - she really did pretty much pass out. She was still enough that I considered poking her with a long stick, although admittedly I wanted to poke her with a stick for other reasons, too. :)

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    2. I wish I'd been there as i would have helped you poke her.

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    3. ::laughing:: I would have LOVED that!

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  8. I love it! I am not sure I'll get my list done, but I was feeling a little guilty about the snarkiness (worried everyone else would go all warm and fuzzy), but I should have known I could count on you. Great stuff!

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    1. I know what you mean - I had my reservations, too, about being the juvenile one sitting in the corner giggling about boogers while everyone else wrote something beautiful and eloquent and touching. But, of course, the snark prevailed. I hope you post yours - I'll watch for it!

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  9. Your snarky makes me laugh. A lot. But I am not going to the beach with you. Or groceries. You are jinxed!

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    1. Thanks, I'm glad you laughed instead of banning me from Monday Listicles, which I expect to happen nearly every week. And I understand about not going with me - I AM jinxed! :)

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  10. Seriously hysterical, Robyn. I love the snark in an almost inappropriate way. Who am I kidding? A totally inappropriate way.

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    1. ::big smiles:: Thanks, Delilah - the inappropriate love is totally reciprocated. :)

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  11. Comic sans haters unite! I'm so with you on that one! (Self-confessed grammar snob...I read your profile!)

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    1. Lies! It's all lies! Unless you liked it, in which case it's so true I'm having it engraved on my tombstone. ;)

      My favorite use of comic sans is in a business memo - note to the boss: your use of a goofy font does not in any way make you seem likable, nor does it make your mandatory meeting sound like fun.

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  12. I love MUTE too. Best thing since sliced bread. I wish I had your bathroom scale, however, so I could weigh pre-baby weight. :-)

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    1. You can borrow my scale, but strangly it doesn't tell you the correct weight unless you're doing a chin-up on the towel bar while you're standing on it - for some reason if you let go of the towel bar, the dumb thing adds like 20 pounds.

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  13. Even if WebMD is having amnesia and doesn't remember the exact name of this condition, I assure you it is real. Valid. You have a HUGE number of mothers of small children (as in age, not necessarily stature) to back up the claim. Medical condition? ABSOLUTELY

    And I may be stealing room temperature jello. I have a feeling that will be coming in handy very soon.

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    1. Thanks for the support!

      And speaking of things that need support, you're welcome to use the Jell-o line. :)

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  14. Snarktoplasm: what you were wearing on your face while you watched children digging pee trenches on the beach
    Snartktastic: your ability to make super annoying things crazy funny while still getting across the fact that they are, in fact, super annoying
    Snarkometer: the reading taken in your head for every mutter under your breath up the wooden staircase o' tetanus death
    Snarkpox: a disease that afflicts only terminal smartasses ( which is fine, because they are hilarious and obviously highly intelligent )- Totally copied that straight outta webmd...

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    1. This. is why I love you. It is also why you're Senior VP of Phoney Research here at HTV. :)

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  15. #10 is so darn true! Every single time I want to take a picture of something, I seem to catch it after the fact.

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    1. Technology can be so dumb. I think I'd have better luck sometimes just sketching the scene from memory. ;)

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  16. You totally schooled that Wife of the Opposing Candidate! Sounds like she was just a hot mess in comparison to your buffet-table circling ;) And love the snark :)

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    1. Thank you! And for the record, I tried to give her the Sympathetic Mommy Smile as she went back and forth past the buffet table getting wet paper towels, but she totally snubbed me! The nerve.

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  17. My vote is for your husband and then #10 so you rock the buffet table any old day you feel like it and next time throw sand back oops NO lead by example sorry I got my snark in there on that one but gosh darn I hate when people don't at least say their sorry their kids are heathens I tend to over look miss behaving when at least I am apologized for it happening nah scratch that I still don't appreciate misbehaving in public!!

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    1. I'd never be brave enough to throw sand back, anyway - about the only thing I could throw their way would be the stink eye.

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  18. I love snarky thank yous. Heck, I just love snark. The passed out beach couple was horrid and I'm sure tha sort of thing happens a lot.

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    1. I'm sure it does, too. It was just extra strange because the beach wasn't even crowded - they had about a football field of empty sand in either direction, but they sidled up right next to us. Creepy. Maybe she knew she was going to pass out and figured I'd keep an eye on her kids?!? You were so wrong, lady.

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  19. This is my favorite list this week. I heart you and your whiney snark!

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  20. Bwahahahahahah! Great post, Robyn! and I loved #3 Thank you Comic Sans font: "You have long been my early warning system that I am about to read something I'm not going to take seriously."

    best,
    MOV

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    1. Thanks, MOV! I probably could've done a whole font/writing/grammar related list, but Comic Sans is one of the worst offenders. :)

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  21. Oh - number 37 got me with the grandmother who was kind to your children trapped in line at the grocery store. What a sweet thing to be thankful for. (-:

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    1. Yeah, I'm sure she meant well; I felt sort of guilty for being grossed out that they were partially unwrapped and probably covered in cat hair. :)

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  22. I'm not really sure what you meant by a little sarcastic?!?! I didn't notice any sarcasm what-so-ever or else maybe I too have an "infernal" medical condition. Eeep!

    Love, loved your list!!!

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    1. Thank you SO much! I'm glad the sarcasm wasn't too noticable. ;)

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  23. Too funny! The one at the beach really killed me-been there! (came from finding the funny)

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    1. That's why people should have to show two forms of ID and a letter of recommendation before being allowed on the beach. If you can't keep your kids from peeing on strangers, you shouldn't be leaving the house. ;)

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    2. That right there is the most perfect concise life lesson ever. That's my new parental benchmark. As long as my kids aren't peeing on strangers, I'm calling myself a success.
      I'm catching up on my reading. Your list is hysterical.

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    3. Like I always say, I have my standards. They're low, but I have 'em.

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  24. Ah, the joy of gratitude. There's a song that came out when I was in college by the super-talented (?!?) band "The Skatenigs" that started: "I'd like to thank my buddies...for sticking the knife in my back. I'd like to thank my buddies...for twisting the knife in my back." That's thankfulness.

    Those catheter commercials make me vey nervous. I was much more comfortable before being made aware that some people needed catherers for home use.

    I hear you on the plateau issue. Rather than jumping off, I just decided to gain weight. At least it's a change.

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    1. Eight? And not just that they need a catheter at home, but that enough of the catheters are dirty that a solution has been researched and developed and is covered by Medicare. Yikes.

      Good attitude on the scale - I seem to be gaining without trying, so I better get on board with your plan *quick*!

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  25. So very excellent! Your beach family thank-you can apply to so many situations. I'd like to thank all the parents who make it possible for me to fantasize about stapling their kids' tongues to the floor... :)

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    1. Thank you - the satisfaction I get from the mental image of stapling a kid's tongue to the floor will get me through many a future trip to Walmart. :)

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