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Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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She Doesn't Want To Shoot Me


I took Zoe with me to the grocery store last week, because she and her brother were leaving the next day to go to a remote cabin with their dad. Their dad hadn't decided yet how long he was going to stay out there in the wilderness with my tiny babies, because the length of the trip would be determined by how long two school-agers could withstand the boredom of being in the woods where there's limited electricity and you have to pump your own water.

My guess was ten minutes.

However, that didn't keep my Motherly Instinct Gland from secreting all kinds of Worry Sauce onto my brain, which reacted by conjuring up uber-realistic images of my sweet darlings being trapped in the cabin by ravenous wolves and rabid bears for weeks on end, with nothing to eat but two gummy bears and a Slim Jim.

So, to make my Motherly Instinct Gland shut up, I decided I'd let the kids pick their favorite ingredients and we'd mix up a huge batch of trail mix for them to take on the trip. That way, the wolves would have something to snack on while the bears ate the kids. Or something. It sounded like a good idea at the time.

In the car, of course, since this is me we're talking about, I realized I'd forgotten our shopping list. Zoe was trying to help me reconstruct it from memory.
Me:  I know neither of you wanted raisins.
Zoe:  Nah.
Me:  Well, what was  on the list?
Zoe:  I don't remember...
Me:  What were those crackers you mentioned? Duos, or something like that?
Zoe:  Oh yeah!
Me:  I've never heard of those before.
Zoe:  I'll recognize the package. They probably have them at Walmart...
The girl is always trying to get somebody to take her to Walmart.
Me:  No, I think we can get everything we need at the grocery store. It's closer than Walmart, anyway.
Zoe:  Okay. Besides, I don't want to have to shoot you.
Me (swerving back onto the road):  I'm sorry, WHAT?
Zoe:  Remember the last time we were there, and you were all mad, and you said if you ever told us you were gonna go back to Walmart, to shoot you first?
In my defense, Walmart is stupid, and I don't know anyone who has ever set foot in there without swearing they'll never go back.
Me (laughing):  I can't believe you remember that.
Zoe:  I can't believe I can remember that, but I can't remember what I wanted in my trail mix.

Please tell me I'm not the only one who's ever muttered things under their breath about Walmart that their kids accidentally heard - am I???
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27 comments:

  1. Aww, it's like a Hallmark moment!

    I hope you are enjoying your vacation and by that I mean doing whatever the Baby wants. ;)

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    Replies
    1. Yup, that's the maximum amount of Hallmarky we get around here.

      And I did have a great time following baby around as she did whatever she wanted (getting sunscreen in her eyes, crying because I wouldn't let her jump off the stairs, and attempting to walk straight into the center of the lake).

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  2. GORP!!!! The best part of any camping trip, cabin stay, hike in the woods, long car ride, short car ride, shopping trip, week long period...

    We have a rule though. One simple rule: NO PICKING OUT THE MACADAMIA NUTS!!!! You have to take what comes to your hand naturally.

    Aww yeah , we put the best stuff in our Gorp. Macadamia nuts...that's just how we roll...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Macadamia nuts??? Please note, I am available for adoption and am 100% willing to follow your family Gorp rules.

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    2. It's a package deal, you realize. You adopt the wife, you get the whole fam. Fair warning: I snore.

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    3. It's true, he does, but I might be able to talk him into giving up his share of the macadamia nuts, if that helps our case???

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  3. Oh, and you can stop calling it a vacation. If Mom is going anyplace with children and hubby in tow (or being towed by children and hubby), it ISN'T a vacation. Trust me on this one. But by the time you read this, you will know that already...

    This is why Moms need Girl's Weekends. And by writing that, I mean that *I* need one, but I have never taken one. Sigh...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Unfortunately you were all too right about this one. I think we should run off together for a girls' weekend and do wild stuff like sneak a flask into Olive Garden and put all the mannequins at Macy's into suggestive poses!

      Clearly I'm way out of touch on the girls' weekend thing, too...

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  4. Hahahhah! Oh the under the breath murmurings that children hear and stick in their brain. That was a good one.

    I haven't just uttered I'll never go back to Walmart, I actually haven't shopped there in three years. My life is much better now. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think I need you to be my life coach - can I pay you in trail mix?

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  5. Ack! Kids hear everything! This is so funny b/c I was just thinking the other day that I have to stop saying "if ____, I'm going to have to shoot myself"--um, pick a better phrase, Mommy! Thanks for the reminder and glad she does NOT want to shoot you!

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    Replies
    1. I'd change my phrase, but I'm afraid of what the second choice would be - probably something much worse. :)

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  6. This made me laugh so much! I'm with you, I can't stand Walmart.

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    Replies
    1. No one likes that place, and yet they continue to thrive. There's obviously something fundamental that I don't understand about capitalism. Or maybe I just don't want to admit that low prices and convenience are enough to outweigh the pull of my moral compass - oh wait, I guess I DO understand capitalism!

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  7. Have fun! I hope you don't die without the interwebs!

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    Replies
    1. Thanks, I did manage to pull through (barely). ;)

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  8. Your daughter has an awesome remembery!

    They actually banned Wal Mart in my part of the OC so you know that means I love it and miss it terribly. I'll take your daughter shopping in your stead cause I'm that cool.

    Enjoy your mothering on location.

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    Replies
    1. I love "mothering on location" - it makes letting my kids eat Oreo PopTarts for breakfast every day for a week sound so glamorous!

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  9. I READ THAT YOU ARE VACATIONING BUT I STILL WANT TO PRESENT YOU WITH THE FABULOUS AWARD SO WHEN YOU GET SOME TIME PLEASE STOP BY MY BLOG AND PICK UP YOUR AWARD. I SAY GOOD LUCK WITH THE SWIMSUIT UGH I HATE SWIMSUITS MOSTLY BECAUSE THE SHOEHORN BREAKS AND THE SUITS SPLITS SO I AM LEFT NAKED ON THE BEACH OOPS THAT REALLY DOESN'T HAPPEN IT IS JUST THE NIGHTMARE I HAVE BEFORE WE LEAVE FOR THE TRIP LOL HAVE A SAFE FUN TIME :))

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much - I really appreciate it! :D

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  10. Oh my LORD I detest Wal-Mart. Yuck, yucky, yuck. I am a Target gal.

    I loved Zoe's last comment - LOL!

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    Replies
    1. I'm a Target gal at heart, but our Target is 30+ minutes away, whereas Walmart is practically on my front porch. I completely sold out just to avoid an extra 25 min in the car. I'm sorry, Target. Please come closer to my house so I don't have to make these difficult life decisions and cause my kids to lose IQ points every time we go to Walmart.

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  11. Oh WalMart.
    I had a case of the diarrhea in a WalMart.
    Have you seen the inside of a WalMart Bathroom?
    You don't want to.
    You.
    Don't.
    I think I found someone's hair weave in there.
    **shudder**

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I can only imagine - I have to dip the kids in Johnson & Johnson full-body disinfectant (aisle 73) every time we go there. If we went in the bathroom, I'm not sure I could ever let the kids back in the house.

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  12. My favorite part of a wally world visit AFTER the i.q. loss? The oppressive smell of a thousand different body odors hanging in the air like pigs in a meat locker. It's enough to make you long for the smell of patchouli.

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    Replies
    1. Um, totally. Guh-rose. That's why I insist we all coat ourselves in raw sewage before heading to Walmart - it drowns out the smell, and is actually more hygienic than touching anything there.

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  13. Why viewers still use to read news papers when in this technological globe the whole
    thing is accessible on web?

    Here is my web page: books of ra online spielen

    ReplyDelete

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