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Monday, June 11, 2012

Peeing While I'm In the Shower and Other Things To Think About


Today's Monday Listicles prompt is brought to us by Ellen and Erin of The Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms.  I sure do love those gals (I really do), but when I tell you their prompt, please keep in mind that they're  the ones you can thank when this song gets stuck in your head, which IT WILL, unless you were in a coma during the entirety of 1991.


The topic for today's list is "Things That Make You Go Hmmm," and now if you'd like to spend the next five minutes going LALALALALA inside your head to keep C+C Music Factory out of there, I'll understand.

For the uninitiated who never saw The Arsenio Hall Show, which aired for roughly five minutes while I was in high school (She said snidely, covering for the fact that she watched it every night - amiright, Dog Pound?), "Things That Make You Go Hmmm" was a comedy bit Arsenio did wherein he pondered various imponderables and said "Hmmm" a lot.  Then C+C Music Factory (which was deceptively named, as it was not  actually a whole factory purposed with the mechanized production and distribution of music, but was instead just two dudes who probably didn't know the first thing about warehouses or  exporting) wrote a hit song about it.

Huh, I guess you could have probably figured that out for yourselves.

So without further ado, here are ten things that make me scratch my chin and go, "Hmmm..."  Or, more accurately (for me), things that make me go, "WHAT?" or "Whyyyyyyyyyyy?"  or one of the other 5 Ws of journalism.
  1. I've noticed that Maddie kisses her dolls on the head or face, but when she extends her arm so that I can kiss the doll, I'm always offered the opposite end.  Accidental?  Unlikely.
  2. At what age does a little girl's disdain for all things Grody To The Max (Get out of my head, early 1990s!) extend to the playground?  Because at age 7, the fear of grossness does not yet overcome the desire for fun.
  3. Enjoy your splinters, kids!  I love how it looks like Jake is helping her up,
    but really he's just prying the toy out of her hand.  That's m' boy!

  4. I can't help but notice that kids' clothes come in sizes 24 months and  2T.  Note to OshKosh B'Gosh, or the captain of the Old Navy, or whoever makes the sizing rules:   By the time they reach 24 months, most kids are  approximately 2 years old.  Do the math, people.
  5. Every time I try to get in the shower, one of my kids suddenly has to pee.  It doesn't matter if they've had unfettered access to the bathroom for hours - nothing triggers the urge to urinate until their Inconvenience Radar informs them that Mommy just finally snuck away for twenty seconds to herself and is nekkid with one foot in the shower.  Only then am I visited by that plaintive knock on the door - where were these messages from your bladder five minutes ago?   (Wait, you thought the post title was about ME peeing in the shower?  As if I'd admit to THAT.)
  6. Here's an entry from Gerry via text, which you can see for yourself I didn't understand was supposed to be an entry for this list at first:
    I don't get that either; it always makes me wonder if
    they live in a $400/month apartment with a bunch of
    van Goghs hanging up by thumb tacks.

  7. If my taste buds and hippocampus (and - let's face it - thighs) want sugar, why won't an entire box of Fruity Cheerios (108 grams of sugar) satisfy the same craving that two Oreos will with 9 grams?
  8. Follow-up question: Why won't I stop until I've eaten four(teen) Oreos, when my craving was satisfied by the first two?
  9. In an awful lot of cartoons and movies, it seems like the cats are girls and the dogs are boys.  I'm a little surprised no wacko activist group has protested about this - I feel sure it could be spun into discrimination of some kind.
  10. I accidentally deleted all my Emergency Writer's Block Blog Post Ideas, but then I found a scrap of paper I'd forgotten about with some notes!  Of course I had spilled coffee on it, so there was only one legible line, which said, "Peek-A-Boob!"  I have no idea what I meant by that.
  11. The following exchange happened when Gerry was telling me where he and his sisters met for drinks one night:
Gerry: We went to Papa Vino's. It's Italian food. Nice, but not fancy.

Me: Like, as nice as Olive Garden?
We paused there, exchanging a look that expressed our mutual surprise at how reverential I sounded in regard to Olive Garden, a place that was considered Fancy Italian Food back when your date took you there before the Homecoming Dance.  Does this mean my dining standards are exceptionally low, or does it mean that I've never gotten any more sophisticated than I was at age 17?

THANK YOU to everyone who clicks below to vote - HTV is now in the top 50 overall and the #9 Humor Blog!  So THANK YOU (I had to say it again, because that's how awesome you are).  See?  Your votes count, so please keep it up - you can vote once per day, and as soon as I achieve world domination I'll see to it that all you voters get a special place in my Imperial Palace of Oreos and Wine where everyone has their own bathroom with a door that really locks - no kids allowed.
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76 comments:

  1. First of all, I DID think it was about you peeing in the shower. No comment to protect the innocent.

    And I think it's a good thing you don't live near me, as I would force you and Gerry to adopt me as your very old misguided child. I love your conversations and your texts, simply because I have had similar ones myself (not talking to myself, but with other people. Maybe.) Can we work out a sister/wives thing?

    ReplyDelete
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    1. All our children are misguided, so you'd fit right in. Fair warning: be prepared to be called a nerd daily ("nerdling" for the younger kids), make fun of everything you see on TV to the point that you never actually hear the program, eat burnt food, and roll your eyes a lot. If you're still in, we'd love to have you as a sister/wife - now we just have to figure out how to have three-way text conversations. ;)

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  2. I too thought there's be some confession of urinating in the shower. Alas, it is true, as soon as I set my naked body under that water, everyone and their sister has to come in. Same thing if I have to actually USE the toilet or the phone.

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    1. Kids - they act like they can't hear you when you stand directly in front of their faces and tell them to go put shoes on, but can detect the sound of their mother needing privacy from eleventy miles away.

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  3. What a fun list you had. Sadly I too remember C&C Music Factory...

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Thanks! When do you think was the last time anybody on Earth thought about C&C Music Factory before today's Listicles? My guess is 1993, or whatever year "Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now)" came out, whichever was later. Now THERE'S a song that'll get stuck in your head (sorry I brought it up).

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  4. I'm barking in soldarity with you.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Visiting from "Listicles"....haha "Peek a Boob"...so looking forward to that blog post ;)

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Ha, I only wish I knew what that post was going to be about! :) Thanks for visiting!

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  6. The hoopties with nice rims crack me up. We always yell out, "You can't polish a turd!!!"

    It's like those ladies who have their hair and nails done, with a Starbucks in their hand, while complaining they can't afford shoes for their kid.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. HA! Gerry made the same, "You can't polish a turd" reference, but then like the truly mammoth dorks that we are, we remembered a Mythbusters episode when (disgustingly enough) they DID polish one. Or several. Which totally ruined that whole saying for me, as well as provided multiple visuals that I can't unsee - damn Mythbusters. ;)

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  7. Thanks for the explanation...I was in a coma. ;P

    "Inconvenience Radar"...perfect, absolutely perfect!

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    1. I figured a lot of people either were in a coma, or had paid a lot of good money to get their memories wiped to erase that song. ;) Thanks for being here!

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  8. If Olive Garden is good enough for Beaker's grandma, it's good enough for me.

    I'm clicking that thing a million times if it means my own bathroom!

    ReplyDelete
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    1. The marketing dept at Olive Garden is full of idiots if they don't try to work Beaker into their next ad campaign - I'm sick to death of hearing about that soup, salad and breadsticks deal.

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  9. #4...It's one of the new Laws of Nature...just like gravity. (I almost typed gravy there!)

    ReplyDelete
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    1. It's also one of the Laws of Gravy! :)

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  10. I did not know that the song came after Arsenio Hall started saying that. I learned something new today. Your work here is done.

    p.s. I love Olive Garden.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Thank goodness, now I can finally say I learned somebody somethin. Unfortunately I don't know USEFUL stuff, like how long to boil an egg, just dumb trivia stuff and about 4 grown-up things I remember from college which are also not useful.

      I have to pretend to hate all restaurants since I never get to go to them anymore - it helps cutails the yearning. But I secretly love Olive Garden, too. :)

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  11. Totally love this, all of them. I pee in the shower because I am very Earth friendly. One less time to flush you see...
    The sizing thing is bizarre at best. Same with 4T and 4year...

    ReplyDelete
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    1. It's Earth friendly - I love it! I'm totally using that excuse, er, I mean, totally valid reasoning. :)

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  12. This is hysterical! I'm still LOL at #10 and I don't get #3 either!! Seriously, what is the deal...?!

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    1. Thanks! I wish I knew... My daughter is wearing size 18-24 month clothes, so my MIL got her a 2T sweatshirt in hopes it would still fit her in the fall - I think it'll still fit her when she leaves for college.

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  13. You crack me up! Great list and may I add: you are one of those people I accidentally found through Twitter and now want to be friends with (no, really, I'm not a creepy stalker or anything; nice shirt you're wearing today - just kidding).
    Absolutely great blog!

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I'm not worried because A) I like you too and 2) if you were really watching me you'd have said, "Nice shirt you're wearing this week." As if I'd change it every day - pshaw.

      Thanks so much, and thanks for tweeting this post! :D

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  14. Oh gosh, these are so perfect! I've always wondered about the 24 months/2T clothing sizes - especially because 2T is actually usually slightly bigger, so they are different. And #7? I'm the same way. I drive myself crazy. I bought an 8 pack of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups at the store a couple weeks ago so I could have one periodically when I have my chocolate craving. And I ate them all that morning. Not cool.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I completely lack self control when it comes to sweets. It's pathetic. Gerry's trying to help me out by buying fewer cookies and less ice cream, but if we run out I just eat a box of Pop Tarts, which I don't even like. Hopeless. ;)

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  15. This is another crumbcake of awesomeness: it had pee, germaphobia, and the word Boob. Score! Love the photo of your girls. Your explanation made me snort.

    BTW, Erin and I are always losing our emergency blog notes. For real. And my notes are always stained with coffee. It is how I identify which notebook is mine. :)

    Ellen (Trying to achieve interwebz domination by implanting bad 90s songs in the brains of all bloggers. Not sure how it is going to work, but it will, oh it will.)

    ReplyDelete
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    1. "Crumbcake of awesomeness"??? How many times do I have to beg you to be in charge of my PR? :)

      You've effectively scrambled my brains with the 90s songs - what little will I had left to resist is gone, so you're free to take over! Aw, who am I kidding? There was no resistance - I'd love for you to take over the interwebz! How much fun would THAT be? As long as I can be a minion, that's all I ask. ;)

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  16. Ok that was seriously hysterical! Haha! You know you pee in the shower, just admit it already. And we have a guy who is couch surfing on one of our neighbor's couches. He drives the ugliest, most beat up car ever with at least $2K worth of rims and other accessories. He even uses The Club. Remember the club, anti-theft system? Hahahaha!

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I'm laughing right out loud at The Club - do they still make those, or do you suppose he saved it from back in the day? No wait, I'm sure he got it at a pawn shop. HA! Our neighbors have a collection of cars that are EASILY worth three times as much as their whole house. They park them on the front lawn. WTH?

      P.S. I will never admit to peeing in the shower - NEVAHHHH!

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  17. Oreos taste way better than fruity cheerios! Maybe the needing the bathroom thing has something to do with the running water?

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    1. I'll agree with you on the Oreo vs. Fruity Cheerio debate, as a dessert AND a cereal. That's why, for breakfast, I've started crumbling Oreos into a bowl - did you know they're really good with milk? True story. You might be right about the running water thing, too. I guess if I want to bathe in solitude I'll have to use that horrid rinseless shampoo they have in hospitals. Disgusting, but worth it.

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  18. I'm still waiting for the part where you pee in the shower. So disappointed.

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    1. I'm sorry, truly. I can hook you up with the support group, which is rather large and most likely has a chapter in your area (I disappoint a lot of people). ;)

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  19. Oreos are the work of the devil which is probably why they are so deng good!

    Thanks for the craving....sigh

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    1. I figured the devil probably had something to do with it. Well, I hope he doesn't export all his product, because I'm going to want some Oreos when I get to hell.

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  20. I hate to tell you, but my oldest is almost 13 and has yet to acknowledge the germ fest that is a playground.

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    1. That is some really terrible news. Playgrounds should all have one of those bio-hazard detox tents at the exit, because I predict the extinction of the human race is going to start with a clump of germs clinging to some nasty public jungle gym. I'm pretty sure Nostradamus said that too, and the Mayans.

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  21. yeahhhhhh, baby! top ten!

    your husband is super cool. and he thanks you for attending his first speech, and being all awesome and jazz.

    i laugh every time i read your blog. i'm not that easily amused, but i always get a few good chuckles and one or more solid guffaws out of even the briefest article. keep it up. i loved the spider colony and germs labels.

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    1. Thanks, babe! For that, you have won the distinct honor of coming home after work and basking in my presence. You are welcome.

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  22. 2T versus 24 months - the "Captain" of the Old Navy - LOL! I am rolling! Cats and dogs - male versus female. Yup - I have noticed the same thing!

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Glad it isn't just me, and that you got a kick out of the post. :) Thanks for commenting!

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  23. "Peek-a-boob" When that pops back in your head, that'll be comedy gold. I'm waiting eagerly for it...LMAO

    Also, decide whether it's a 2T or 24 months, people...I'm tired of trying to pick which one you made too big or too small.

    Also, I can't stop eating peanut butter sandwich cookies even though I really only needed the two that went swimming in my coffee because I'm weird like that.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I know, I can't wait either! It'll either be really funny, or terrifying. Maybe both.

      There is nothing - NOTHING - wrong with peanut butter sandwich cookies in coffee, and I will personally crotch-punch any (obviously non-pregnant) person who tries to say otherwise.

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  24. Peek-A-Boon will now be in my head all day. Thank you.

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  25. I really cannot figure out the 24 months/2T issue either! And yes, that song is now stuck in my head thank you! ;)

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    1. It's getting to the point where finding clothes that fit my kids is as hard as it is to find clothes for myself (which is impossible). Grr! And don't worry, it's stuck in mine, too - sorry about that. :)

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  26. Ooooobviously, cats are girls and dogs are boys. I learned that from baby clothes. It seems that pretty much every other item of clothing that my daughter owns has a cat on it.

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  27. What leaves me baffled is that half my daughter's clothes have elephants on them - when did THEY get into the mix? As if I weren't confused enough already.

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  28. I have a good "Things That Make You Go Hmmm".

    Why do they put those clear plastic guard panels above salad bars? Because every time I'm at one and sneeze I just end up hitting my face on it.

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    1. Hahaha! I've seen those things you're talking about in movies - people who think Olive Garden is fancy don't go to restaurants equipped with salad bars, though. I get my salad in a cheap plastic bowl with a lid, where only the fast food staff gets an opportunity to sneeze on it.

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  29. Love your list... thanks for the laugh (I so needed it)!

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    1. No, thank YOU! Glad you got a laugh. :)

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  30. Number 2 is 12 years old, and Papa Vino's is one step up from Olive Garden, yes. Maybe two steps. But small steps. Like 2T steps ;)

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    1. Ha - perfect! You're full of answers, Pish - I shoulda just asked you first. :)

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  31. I totally agree with the Oreos thing...as for peeing in the shower? Well...

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    1. Teehee - nobody wants to fess up... ;)

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  32. This is hysterical- how did I miss this post? Come link it up if you like:) Haha- I love your little picture of the germ on the playground,lol

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    1. Thanks! I have no idea how such a girly girl can ignore the obvious spider potential at that playground...

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  33. OK, where do I start. I remember the Arsenio show but i had no idea Things that Make you Go Hmmm came from him. I actually never watched it, I guess.

    Never thought about there being a captain of the Old Navy but I'm right with you. K-ster is too. We dont' like it when peopel refer to their kids in months once they get to be a year old. Why do we do that until they are 2? So weird....

    The Olive Garden. Ugh. I can't even think about it....

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    1. The only reason I remember it came from Arsenio is that he used to tap his chin when he said, "Hmmmm," and I'd get all freaked out that his hands are gigantnormous. So I don't remember any of the things he hmmmed about, I just remember thinking, "Put your hand down, for the love of mike keep it off the screen!"

      I don't know why 2 is the magic number, either. Who decides this stuff? Hmmm...

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  34. I love your writing style and I've been enjoying your site so I'm nominating you for the Illuminating Blogger Award for informative, illuminating blog content. I know not everyone participates in blog awards but I hope you'll at least check it out because it's a great way to discover new blogs and meet new web friends. If you're interested in participating, you can check out the details at my site ... http://foodstoriesblog.com/illuminating-blogger-award/ ... Either way, hope you're having a great day!

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    1. Thank you so much, CJ! I'm honored, and I'm really glad to hear you're enjoying the blog!

      Delete
  35. You totally pee in the shower. I mean, when the hell else would you get a chance to go?

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    1. HA! Actually I had to evolve a complex method of reabsorbing my own urine for hydration purposes, since I don't have time to pee OR get a beverage. ;)

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  36. Hilarious! You were one of the most-clicked at #findingthefunny. We're featuring you tomorrow, and pinning this post! Thanks for linking up!

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    1. Woot! Thanks, Anna - I'm so honored! :D

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  37. I make them all go potty before I get into the shower -- which does them know that I'm in there and they have time to create mayhem...but our house is so small they'd hear the running water anyway.

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    1. That's probably why I was extra irritated the last time - because I even thought, "I should ask them if they need to go before I get in there," but decided against it on the grounds that then they WOULD have to pee, just because I mentioned it. Of course then they heard the water, like you said, and realized they could interrupt my shower AND create mayhem afterwards. Bonus for them!

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  38. Here's the deal with the clothing sizes. When the size is in months, it is the size the infant will be in the ending month (24 month would be 18- 24 months) when it switches to toddler size, it is the size they will be the entire year. 2T is for the year they are 2. I was condescendingly explained this by a teenage girl while trying to buy my grandchild something. I just thought I was old and stupid so thanks for giving me a moment of self esteem. Love your posts, you crack me up.

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    1. I'm glad I wasn't the only one feeling like a shopping dunce at the store - thanks for sharing, and for saving me from a run-in with a condescending teenager! :)

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