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Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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It's The End Of Days

Did I say "the end of days"?  I meant the end of school.  I get those two confused.

The last day of school was a Field Day - did you ever have Field Day at your school?  Sack races, hot dogs, bowling in the hallway, ice cream... good times.  They even had a giant inflatable bouncy house set up on the playground!  I knew the kids would have non-stop fun (sugar) and excitement (over-stimulation) all day long.
Translation: I knew they'd be pumped full of The Crazies like a couple of miniature junkies on chocolate crack.
When I picked them up at the end of the day, they each burst from the building full of joy and enthusiasm, in obvious anticipation of a magical summer.

Ah, so naive.

Those blurs are my kids. In reality, he's bigger than she is, and they're each at least 30% less blurry. I'm not very good at action photography. Or the other kinds.

The greeting went exactly how you'd expect, provided you know my children.  Jake came bounding up, screaming, "It's summer vacation, it's summer vacation," stopping only to tackle-hug a few friends.  Zoe came skipping along a few minutes later, yelling and laughing gleefully until she got right in front of us, at which point she abruptly donned her Very Serious I Need Some Sympathy Face and informed us, "I cracked my neck today."

Apparently she broke her neck in the bouncy house.

I didn't bother asking the Drama Queen why I hadn't received a call from the school nurse, or perhaps the ER.  Minutes later, when I asked her what her favorite part of the whole day was, she immediately said it was the 10 minutes she spent in the bouncy house.  Strange answer for someone who sustained such a serious injury there.

Anyhow, in case you were wondering how summer break is going so far (Day 1), here are a few tidbits to give you an idea.

  • Zoe asked if I was pregnant (for the record, I am not), patted my belly, and said matter-of-factly, "Oh, well it looks like you are."
  • Number of times they've asked to go to Gran's house: 4,271
  • Jake had his foot on top of mine, and then Maddie stepped on his  foot (because we have the entire house at our disposal, but we all have to occupy the same four square inches).  When he said, "OW," I gave him the Oh Please As If The Tiny Baby Hurt Your Foot look, to which he replied, "I know, but Maddie stepped on my foot and pushed it into your claws."  (Apparently I need a pedicure.)
  • The baby is learning to walk!  Number of times she has dragged us by the finger down the hallway against our wills using The Power of Cute: infinity
Parenting Fact: If you promise your son you won't post
any pictures of him without a shirt on, and so you
spend 20 minutes making a shirt for him out of electronic
rectangles, you can make the shirt say whatever you want.

  • The kids have a musical keyboard (I use the term "musical" loosely) and they're all pretty sure they're maestros (which they are, if piano talent is measured in volume).  Jake struck a particularly nerve-jangling chord and yelled out, "Mom, I know how to, umm..."  I figured he was trying to think of a musical term for what he'd just done, but then he finished.  "...I know how to make you deaf."
  • Number of crayons lost: 1
  • Number of crayons partially consumed: 5
These sure look a lot tastier than that
stupid waffle you tried to feed me for breakfast.

So that pretty much brings us to 9:00 AM.

If someone could bring me a barrel of wine, I'd really appreciate it...

Please click below - that's all you do to vote!
As for me, I'm going to go do some crunches and maybe file my toenails.
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28 comments:

  1. A barrel of wine? Are you sure you're not being optimistic?

    Maddie is learning to walk!!! That will make for an exciting summer. Chasing toddlers always increases the fun potential. "Zoe, stop doing... Oh crap! Where did Maddie go???" Fun times!

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I'd better invest in a lot of duct tape, eh? I'm tired already...

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  2. I laughed so hard at your post (not you) that I was in tears...and I do mean that literally ;)-

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    1. You can laugh at me if you want - I don't mind. Glad you liked it! :)

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  3. You should have played "The End of Days" soundtrack as you wrangled the kids from school. THAT would have made it interesting...and DAMN THAT POWER OF CUTE!

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    1. Ha! I'm going to use my summer to create the play list of songs I'm going to blast on my 1980s boom box every day when I pick the kids up next year. Poor kids; nothing's sadder than growing up with a mom who thinks she's funny.

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  4. Si' ...a barrel of wine, stat. Anything less than that is just a waste of a perfectly good paper bag.

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    1. Seriously - why do they even bother taking it out of the barrel? If you drink wine, eventually you're going to drink a barrel's worth, and you know most winos aren't recycling those bags.

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  5. LOL, the T-shirt cracked me up. I hope I can think of such clever ways to annoy my kids when they get older. ;)

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    1. I just showed that picture to my kid - luckily he laughed, but he also turned an interesting shade of red. Perfection - I get to embarrass him, but it's just funny enough that he isn't mad. Parenting doesn't get any better than that. :) Maybe he'll consider wearing a shirt in the house from now on...

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  6. Pregnant? Claws? Kids really do say the sweetest things don't they? I can't wait to hear what HypnoBaby comes up with!

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    1. For that exact reason we will not be teaching HypnoBaby any of the verbal arts, besides perhaps humming.

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  7. Remembering when my kids got let out of school for the summer, I'm pretty sure that you're going to need way more than a barrel of wine! It gets easier - mine are teens now so I just make sure they have summer jobs. That way, the house look just like I left it when I get home. I'm still working on getting those house cleaning fairies to drop by once in a while.

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    Replies
    1. I figured I'd start with a barrel - sort of a liquid appetizer - and see how it goes. You're smart to make sure yours have summer jobs, because frankly I'd feel WAY safer leaving a toddler in the house unattended all day than teenagers. ;)

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  8. Awwww- that last one is so cute & they certainly do look happy in that first one.

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    1. Thank you! They really were happy; there's nothing quite like the way kids so often feel just one really, really intense emotion at a time. Adults make everything so complicated. ;)

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  9. I remember field days from grade school. I also remember that during our last year they decided to change things so that the oldest class (us) would run/manage field day instead of participating in it. In completely unrelated news, that school is very difficult to burn down.

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    1. I hope you at least got a cheaply printed, mass-produced yellow Participation ribbon for your efforts! No? I call shenanigans on your old school. You might want to try again; there have been a great many advancements in recent years in the field of Flammable Accelerants.

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  10. This was so funny! My favorite part is the electronic rectangle shirt. You cam come on over, we have a wine cellar (and that's just due to two kids!).

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    1. Thank you!!! I'm not sure where you live, but I'm getting in the car now anyway and leaving - I'm sure I'll find you eventually. ;)

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  11. You are hysterical! I wish I had your wit! Haha- #1 crayons partially consumed-LOL!

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    1. You're too sweet - thanks, Melissa! ;) P.S. Crayons are non-toxic, right...?

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  12. My daughter informed me this morning that her Chipmunks shirt was her favorite, and that I can't borrow it because I'm too fat. Heathen! She's lucky I've grown fond of her over the years.

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    1. It's their one saving grace - being cute. They have to be adorable enough to make up for all the innocently mean truths they tell when they're little, with enough cute left over in our memories to carry them through the gangly teenage years.

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  13. Jeeeze I sure wish that my back injury was as recoverable as that neck injury. If I stepped into a bouncy house my back would immediately tell me to fack off and it would just fall apart making my hair into a hot jumbled mess...because it is a b-hole like that.
    Well, my son said that I was old the other day...so there's that.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Bouncy houses are death traps - suffocation hazards, airborne children, E. coli, you name it. What a nightmare.

      Whenever my kids do something like tell me I'm old, I just start responding to everything they say with, "You are." Because I'm too immature to be a parent, yet here we are.

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  14. Love that last photo! Such a cutie! Happy Summer!

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    1. Thanks - happy summer to you, too!

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