-->
Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
Follow the Hollow Tree on Facebook!Follow the tweets!Let's pin together!Look! Square pictures!Google Plus us!HTV's on the YouTube, too!Subscribe via RSS feed!Get yourself some Bloglovin'!I'll send htv to your email inbox!

I Need A Vacation From Packing For Vacation

I know, more of my First World Problems.
Boo hoo, Robyn's having trouble preparing for a week-long lake vacation with her family.
She has so many possessions she can't find the ones she needs under the piles of her other possessions.
She doesn't like the way she looks in her swimsuit, despite access to swimwear fabrics developed using space agey NASA technology.
Hey, don't mock me.

But seriously, I'm looking forward to a week of relaxation A) because our whole family doesn't get to be smushed together in confined areas very often anymore and 2) I'm sick of packing.

It started, as packing usually does, with a mad dash to get all the laundry done and then shove it into suitcases (okay, plastic trash bags) before people could excitedly proclaim, "Hey, I haven't seen these shorts since the Nixon administration," and then give me another fourteen loads of laundry to do.  Unfortunately, I can't do laundry right, so it takes an extra long time.

Hollow Tree Ventures
Multi-tasking fail: Take clothes out of dryer. File papers while waiting for washer to fill with water. Return to finish laundry, put clothes in washer. Realize they're THE CLOTHES I JUST TOOK OUT OF THE DRYER. *smacks forehead*

As of today, everybody has to wear pajamas and Christmas socks until it's time to leave for vacation, because I'm NOT doing any more laundry (unless I accidentally wash some more clean stuff).

Eventually I got all of Zoe's double-clean clothes together and felt quite smug for being almost finished with packing 1/4 of the people I need to pack for.  But that right there was another Classic Packing Blunder - I assumed I was almost finished with a task.

I thought that the hard part was gathering the clothes, remembering underwear, and not dropping the baby while reaching for things on high shelves in the closet, all while avoiding meltdowns from the packee about what terrible wardrobe choices I was making on her behalf.  The only thing I had left to do was scoop everything up and deposit it into her backpack, right?
Wrong.
When I located the backpack (already lost under her bed even though school just ended about 20 minutes ago), can you guess what I found at the very bottom of it?  I'll bet you can.  That's right, I discovered a solid inch-thick layer of silver glitter, in which plastic coins, erasers, and hair clips were embedded like fossils in sedimentary layers recording the history of her first grade experience.

Not wanting her clothes and everything else in the known universe to get coated in stripper tinsel, I lugged the backpack to the trash can to dump it out.  Except glitter doesn't "dump out" - instead, a whole heaping lot of it flutters all over the kitchen floor, and the rest remains adhered to the backpack interior.

So I cleaned up the floor, got the vacuum, and proceeded to Hoover the bag.  15 minutes into Operation I'd Rather Just Blast This Bag With A Blow Torch, I was STILL seeing new shiny flakes every time I looked at it from a different angle, so I furiously shook the bag over the carpet where it would be easier to vacuum.  This was the precise moment the baby chose to cruise by and instantly become coated in a gaudy silver crust.
Why is it that, although glitter itself is not sticky, it sticks to everything it touches with a permanent bond rivaling that of construction adhesive?
At that point I decided, Forget it - we'll just be the tacky glitter family at the beach this year.   So I abandoned hope of sparkle removal and moved on to Phase 18 of packing - torturing myself with spandex.



My eyeballs are still recovering from the trauma, despite full frontal tankini coverage with "tummy control."  I don't "often" put things in "quotes" because I think sometimes people "use them wrong," but rest assured they're being aptly used in this scenario, in the sense that there was no tummy control going on.  The tummy was obviously in charge of the situation.  Well played, tummy.  Well played.

And that's where we stand.  I continue to think of things I should pack faster than I can find them (like the swim diapers I've had since Jake was a baby, which I kept because they're so expensive and apparently it was more economical to bring them with me the last three times I've moved, so I'm gonna be sincerely peeved if I leave them at home when I finally have an opportunity to use the stupid things after storing them for ten years ).  To show you how serious I am about needing to finally get cracking and wrap this packing stuff up, I'm not even going to proofread this post.  I bet it's all rambly and unreadable and full of typos, and I'm sorry about that, but has anyone seen my beach towels?


Please click the banner below to vote!  And keep coming back next week, when I won't be here but I'll continue to have new posts through the magic of technology, assuming they auto-publish correctly.  If you don't yet, consider following me on facebook and twitter where I plan to post updates of the dumb stuff Vacation Me does, provided they were just joking about one of the amenities at the lake being an internet connection TWO MILES AWAY.  Gah, we'll be living like cave people.  Glittery cave people.  Add that to the list with my other First World Problems. ::stifles sob::
Top Mommy Blogs - Mom Blog Directory



I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing - and so I don't get all lonely.


22 comments:

  1. I NEEDED this laugh today. I can relate and I think you're on to something...why not work on the design layout of a WINE DISPENSER for all women's fitting rooms!? Patent that baby and you will be RICH, I TELL YA! BRILLIANT!

    Have a wonderfully "relaxing" time on your vacation (notice the quotes) because we all know family vacations are so restful! I look forward to your post-lake post!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOVE the wine dispenser idea! I'd almost ENJOY going shopping if they served wine - after a couple hours, I'd be lookin' gooooood! :)

      Thanks for the vacation wishes - you're so right about the "relaxing" part. Between rescuing flailing children in the lake, herding them away from the bonfire, and getting them to stop giggling at night and go to sleep, I'm sure I'll be more than ready for a "shopping trip" (aka wine-guzzling opportunity) when we get back!

      Delete
  2. I love you so much for making me laugh so hard on a Friday morning. Your laundry one resonated with me the strongest.

    What I do is put a load in the wash machine and then go do other stuff. Come out to put the stuff in the dryer, and realize I didn't close the lid on the washing machine, so it's just filled with water and never went past that part of the cycle. Close top and start over.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha! What I tend to do is transfer clothes to the dryer, fill the washer, and come back later to find I forgot to turn on the dryer, so I have 2 loads of soaking wet clothes to deal with. Stupid laundry is stupid.

      Delete
  3. you could tell overly friendly strangers that you are the cranky kind of sparkly vampires, thereby relieving yourself of inane stranger banter AND preventing all the other klepto toddlers at the beach from stealing your kids stuff...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You might be the first person to ever make me WANT strangers to talk to me - I need to know if I can say, "I'm the cranky kind of sparkly vampire" to someone with a straight face! My guess is no. My guess is also that it'll be funny anyway (to me, which is all I care about). :)

      Delete
  4. I'm with Shannon. Let the baby run around in the sunlight, and, when people ask why she's all sparkly, just sigh and say, "Well, we needed to get out of Forks. The baby keeps blowing our cover. You can't trust a baby to keep it to herself that she's three hundred years old. Btw, if we wanted to hunt deer with our bare hands, where would be a good spot to do that?" I await your return...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Deer hunt with my bare hands... ::taking notes:: This stuff is anti-stranger gold, I tell ya!

      Looking forward to reporting back from the lake - meanwhile, hopefully I set my auto-publish up right to churn out posts while I'm gone, since I know the world would probably stop turning if I didn't provide new content daily... ;)

      Delete
  5. Oh, wow, am I glad I read this first thing today. Now I'm gonna be thinking about stripper-tinsel-crusted babies all day. Genuis. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Mmmhmm, you're welcome - my work here is done. :)

      Delete
  6. Thanks for the laugh! I just did this earlier this week but now I'm relaxing. You'll get there!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for the reassurance - I can use all the help I can get! :)

      Delete
  7. Again you and I are sympatico - old age and overwhelming laundry issues. You'd think we were both aging mothers or something.

    I love the sparkly vampire idea and I look forward to hearing how that goes for you. If that doesn't work you can claim you are trying out the new body glitter trend that is sweeping the nation and pretend their stupid for not being fashionable. However, you may need to be wearing "real pants" when you say that to someone.

    Enjoy your trip!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I wear real pants for no one, especially strangers! If they won't leave us alone after the vampire story, I guess I'll just have to kill one of them and drink their blood - that'll show 'em! Wait, too much? I'm losing it - I think I must have acute packing delirium. Luckily the only known cure is wine - lots and lots of wine. :)

      Delete
  8. Replies
    1. I recommend using the glitter, then - they're really hard to cram into the Bedazzler. Dang stubborn babies.

      Delete
  9. You will get there! Baby steps I say and it all gets done. I remember doing this when we went to Hawaii this past month. Super funny post- feel free to link this up!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I can't imagine packing for Hawaii! I'm a mess just going to a lake that's not even that far from where I live; otherwise I'd have already checked mysef into an institution. ;)

      Delete
  10. I typically pack my camping glitter in ziplock bags which I then pack into a small cooler (properly labeled "Glitter" of course). If any of it comes out of the bags it then at leasts stays in the cooler. Just a helpful tip.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're always so full of good ideas. I wish I'd thought of using a cooler - the kids complained the whole trip about how uncomfortable it was to carry fistfuls of loose camping glitter in their hands all week.

      Delete
  11. Hey Robyn. I enjoyed your blog. woman like yourself def needs a vacay, ASAP. I don't just mean blue skies or waters. I mean vacation from your daily chores. you ever consider a laundry delivery service?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for saying so! But don't feel too sorry for me - I usually just spritz lemon Pledge around and stick a fresh dryer sheet in the bottom of the laundry basket to make it look like I've been doing stuff all day. I rarely do a real chore. :)

      Delete

Thank you for commenting - you're awesome! I mean, even if you're a jerk, at least it means you read my blog. RIGHT?!?