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Sunday, June 17, 2012

A Grand Waste of Cash

This title is supposed to be a play on words, as the marvelous Stasha has provided us with another great Monday Listicles prompt; this week she was kind enough to offer everyone an allowance of $1000 in exchange for nothing more than a list of the ten things we would spend it on.  I'm in!

I think a "grand" is $1000, thus the spectacularly clever post title, but I'm not cool enough to know all the kids' slang these days, like what quantities people are talking about when they say things like a "Benjamin" or a "sawbuck" or a "dime bag."  But you know what I mean.  Anyway, it turned out the $1000 was all HYPOTHETICAL (Can you believe it?), so I figure I can call it whatever I want.


As much fun as it would be to torment myself by imagining a fat wad of cash that I don't have and all the cool things I could've purchased but can't really, I decided instead to make a more practical list.  I'm a practical kind of gal, and I have a hard time getting excited about spending a lot of money on fancy stuff like handbags or personal hygiene products.  Besides, we all know that moms rarely get to spend any extra money in the budget on themselves - there's way too high a Mommy Guilt price to pay if you treat yourself to something special, and plus those dang kids are always doing inconsiderate stuff like letting their feet grow out of their shoes and needing school supplies.

So here are the ten things I would actually spend $1000 on right now (if I had it, which I don't, though I'll probably email Stasha a couple hundred more times just to make sure she hasn't changed her mind):
  1. Karate lessons for Jake, so he'll have an outlet for all the Air Kung Fu he's been practicing in the living room.  And on his sister.
  2. A stereo system loud enough to drown out the siren song of the ice cream truck (okay, that one might be mostly for me).
  3. A decorative 5-gallon teething bucket with a neck strap for the baby, because every time I give her something to chew on she drools like a Saint Bernard.  I'm pretty sure Babies R Us carries those.  If they don't, they should.
  4. New summer shoes for the kids, since I'm relatively certain Zoe's heels aren't supposed to touch the ground when she's wearing her flip flops.
  5. All the printer ink in the land, because I won't be able to resist printing all eleventy thousand photos I take of Madeline's roly poly baby legs sticking out of her tiny swim suit.
  6. An above-ground pool, of the plastic kiddie variety, because ohmygod  it's hot in our backyard and even six inches of tepid water would be better than nothing.
  7. A plumber to fix our outdoor spigot so we can fill the kiddie pool without waterlogging the foundation of the house, because sitting in a dry plastic backyard skillet is not all that refreshing.
  8. A suit of armor for the baby, because dressing her like a medieval knight will be easier than reminding the kids every ten seconds not to swing their yo-yos around over their heads like they're practicing for the Olympic hammer throw.
  9. A sno-cone machine - what a treat for the kids on a hot day!  Hmm, I hear you can also make sno-cones with wine... if you're into that kind of thing.  WHICH I AM.
  10. Whatever money is left over ($1.87) I'll tuck in the diaper bag so it'll be handy when we pass one of those quarter-operated cheap toy dispensers, because I can't leave the house anymore without seeing one of those stupid things and hearing all about how the kids are going to die if they can't have one of those stupid 25¢ trinkets, and even though they're a stupid waste of money sometimes you JUST DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT ANYMORE!!!  Or maybe I'm the only one.
It's gonna be a great imaginary summer!

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34 comments:

  1. Hey guess what? I have an imaginary $1000 too! Can I have a wine sno-cone???

    BTW- you need to patent that drool bucket before someone else jumps on it! Ellen

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    1. Pull up a chair, I'm serving wine sno-cones with a side of wine and a wine chaser!

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  2. Umm...I think a dime bag is a drug term. heehee You rule for that little mess-up.

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    1. Ummm, yeah, I'm going to pretend I didn't know that... (Police officers don't read blogs, do they?) ;)

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  3. Dry plastic backyard skillets are no fun to sit in, but you could break that out for the 4th of July to cook your hot dog feast. Then if your backyard spicket is fixed, you can hose it down and swim. Double duty!

    Your list was hilarious as usual.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You sure could make a lot of hot dogs in one of those! Of course as hot as the water gets in a kiddie pool, we could probably fill it up and boil the hot dogs in there - then the kids could swim and eat at the same time. Mmm, boiling your children in dirty hot dog water... I know, now EVERYBODY is going to want to come to my house for the 4th.

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  4. I love the suit of armor thing! Seriously, what is it with kids and yoyo's?

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    1. They seem innocent now, but I feel sure one day our kids will look back on yoyos the same way we look back on lawn darts.

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  5. LOVE THE LISTS AND UM .....NO YOUR ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE TO HATE THE QUARTER CHEAPO TOY MACHINE. I HAD A NO DOLLAR STORE TOY POLICY FOR THE MIL AND MY OTHER SITTER BUT THEY THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY TO DISOBEY ME WITH IT AND WELL I WAS THROWING TOYS OUT ON THE SNEAK FOR YEARS BECAUSE THEY BROKE BEFORE THEY GOT THEM HOME AND THEY CLUTTERED UP MY CLUTTER!!

    ReplyDelete
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    1. "Cluttered up my clutter" - that's EXACTLY the problem I have! I feel the same about the toys that come with fast food meals; they seriously do get mixed in with the other clutter in the most annoying way. And you're right, you do have to sneak them out, there's no other way to get rid of them.

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  6. The teething bucket made me laugh. So very true.

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  7. My parents actually have a real bonafied sno cone machine. They come to Lil Duck's school often to make them for the kids. I am TOTALLY requesting a wine one. I had no idea!

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    Replies
    1. Please report back on the deliciousness (or lack thereof) - I've never had one but I'm eager to live vicariously through you. :)

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  8. Visiting from Listicles....totally go with the Sno-cone machine! And if ya could swing it I would throw in a Spin-Art machine too. My own private carnival in the backyard...way cool :)

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    1. Good idea! You're totally invited to my mini-pool party. :)

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  9. My kids would die to have an above ground pool. Our back yard is so oddly configured it's pretty much impossible (with driveway etc.) And who wouldn't love a snow cone machine. Shaved ice. My favorite.

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    Replies
    1. I feel your pain on the odd back yard front. For some reason they saw fit to plant the detached garage right in the center (?), which pool-wise I guess is okay until we win the lottery. Until then, we'll just let a kiddie pool kill a circle of our grass, I guess. :)

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  10. Oh gosh! I want a #8 too! Let me know when you go to order yours and I'm in...;)

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    1. I was going to say that babies should come with a suit of armor, but considering where they come from, maybe it's better that we fit them with one after they've been born. Yikes. ;)

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  11. You might be able to save a few bucks (<- slang for dollars) by combining them. May I suggest an above ground pool of wine sno-cone slushies.

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    1. Am I dreaming? That's the best idea EVER, or at least the best idea I've heard for combining alcohol with a kiddie pool. I sense an entry to America's Funniest Home Vidoes coming on - we could win 100,000 of these "bucks" of which you speak!

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  12. Kids' shoes are ridiculously expensive. I spend more on my toddler's shoes than on my own.

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    1. Too true - and then they only wear them for about 5 minutes before they need new ones, yet in those 5 minutes they completely blow out the toes, get the laces tangled up in a wad, and the sole on one side come loose. Uncool.

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  13. Wine snow cones?!? The world just became a little nice place. Thank you. You should get a pennent on the drool bucket!

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    1. You're welcome! I'm thinking about making a prototype of the drool bucket. As an added bonus, it would probably trip the baby, making her almost slow enough for me to catch up with!

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  14. OMG. You had me at "wine sno-cone." :)

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    1. Mmm, it's making my mouth water just thinking about it... :)

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  15. Ooh, ooh - I want a sno cone! And with wine no less? Sweet!

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    1. Refreshing AND inebriating - best combo ever!

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  16. ROFL, I love your list. Kim's right, dime bag is a drug term, 10 benjamins worth of what ever (or so I'm told)
    If the wine sno cones don't work skip right to the hard stuff. Mojito, Daquari, Pina Coloda or Margherita flavoured ones. It will be a great imaginary summer.

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    1. Ha! I know a guy who can hook you up for 8 benjamins - "of what ever." **wink wink**

      Your sno cone recipes are making me feel so thirsty! No wait, not thirsty - sober. Either way, I need a sno cone.

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