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Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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10 Things I Need To Do In June

Ahh, the beginning of summer - a clean slate, with months to go before it's time to look back on how I've wasted my time and not achieved any of my goals.

In order to stay on top of things, I've organized the first month of Summer Break with a handy to-do list that will help me keep track of all the stuff that I intended to do, but didn't.

I know it doesn't sound very productive, but stay with me here - I'm about to lay some logic on you.  Setting goals, and knowing that I won't attain 90% of them, helps stimulate my Stress Cortex.  It also releases adrenaline from my Nervous Breakdown Gland.  These are all well-documented science facts (as far as either of us knows), and this way, with just a little help from coffee and Intense Self-Imposed Pressure, I might have the proper amount of jitteriness and Mommy Guilt Build-Up to actually do  some of them by the end of July.

But probably not.

Plan To Go To The Zoo
Please note that I did NOT say "go to the zoo."  Going to the zoo requires stuff like making snacks and knowing how to get to the zoo, and my least favorite thing, Effort.  Instead, I plan  to go to the zoo.  Since it's already June 7, I only have to come up with 23 more last-minute excuses not to go.  Some early contenders are: "It's too hot," "It might rain," "I'm pretty sure the bears got loose last night," and "What zoo?"
Shave My Legs
Again, this is a MAYBE - I don't want to rush into anything.  After the long winter, there's a possibility my leg hair has started doing something useful, like reducing my cellulite jiggle-factor or stabilizing my weak ankle joints, or helping my back look less hairy.  I'm taking a "wait and see" approach on this one.
Lake Vacation
I know you were expecting a joke here, but it's fo reals, folks.  In fact, we already have our week at the lake scheduled for the end of the month.  Woot!  To-do List sub-categories under Lake Vacation include: Pack, Discover That Not Of My Swimwear Fits, Lose 15 Pounds In Two Weeks, Stress About The Availability Of Wi-Fi, and Come Back Home To Get Whichever Kid We Forget To Cram In The Car.
Promise To Set Up The Sprinkler
I sort of hate the sprinkler, so I'm big on promising to set it up but putting it off for as long as possible.  I know, I'm a Summer Scrooge - how can I deny them all this fun?
I'll tell you how - by thinking about the trampled grass, the wet swimsuits dripping through my house, the fights over who gets to control the sprinkler (No one!  No one gets to control it, for the last time, just leave it on the ground!)  and randomly finding bits of lawn detritus in my carpet.  I know, I need to loosen up.  Please refer to the preamble of this list; I'm sure I'll get to it before the end of July.
Think About Bike Riding
I really want to start riding my bike again this summer - Maddie's at the perfect age to perch adorably in the baby seat on back, and the kids might whine slightly less about riding bikes around the block than about trudging around on foot.  I figured June will be a fun time to start thinking about it; actually doing it will be too hard, because my bike's been hanging upside-down in the garage for five years so it's probably mostly composed of rust and spider eggs at this point.
Get A Sunburn
Duh - no-brainer.  The millisecond a single square inch of my pasty skin is exposed to natural sunlight, I'll be able to check this one off.
 Make Zoe's Pillowcase Dresses
You might remember the day I bought every pillowcase in the known universe, planning to make a bunch of dresses for Zoe, per the evil influence of Pinterest and its endless stream of cute and seemingly doable ideas.
Source: hannaandersson.com via Cindy on Pinterest
Sure, I'll just whip up a half dozen of these (in my free time).
On the same day, my mom got a metal headboard for the kids' room at her house, which she needs to spray paint.  We have a bet going on who will finish their project first.  The smart money is on my mom.
Panic About West Nile
Nothing says Summer Is Here like some splashy headlines about how West Nile Virus is spreading in every direction and is probably going to kill us all.  I look forward to them every year, and the resulting dusk curfew and itchy bump paranoia.
 Complain About the Neighbor's Fireworks
I'm going to go ahead and assume that this year, like every year before it, there will be some nearby morons who just can't keep their damn hands off their enormous stash of illegal fireworks and have to set them off right around the time the kids finally drift off to sleep.  Note to Americans: I love you, but some of you missed the memo that the Fourth of July is usually observed somewhere on or around July 4th.  That is when we do the fireworks thing.  Please do not stand out in the road attempting to blow your hand off with a Roman Candle at 9:30 PM on June 23rd, unless I'm in my car, in which case please stand still so I can run you over.
Find A Balance
I don't mean a Life Balance or anything grandiose like that. (HA!  Can you imagine?)  No, I mean I need to figure out exactly the right amount of neglect that will allow me to keep an eye on the children while they're home, yet still get some blogging done.  Or, if I can't keep an eye on the children, I need to at least find something sturdy to lock them in.  I bet I could find some great crafty cage ideas on Pinterest.
I'm linked up today with Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop, responding to the prompt, "Ten To-Dos In June."

Mama’s Losin’ It

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44 comments:

  1. Good call on planning to go to the zoo. Zoo-planning is so much better than zoo-going anyway. When you plan to go to the zoo, you think about all the cute cuddly animals. When you go to the zoo, you're reminded that the cute cuddly animals are cramped in cages forced to be friends with the other animal of the same species that they happen to share a cage with: "Hey, you're endangered? Me too! Oh, and you live in this 20 square foot enclosure? Me too! Let's be friends".

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    1. In addition to being locked up, that's what I feel sorry for them about. Can you imagine if somebody just randomly picked another person for you to be locked up with for the rest of your life? I can think of at least eleven million people, just offhand, that I would HATE to be stuck in a zoo habitat with. Plus the Human Exhibit would be so boooring, probably all cubicles and a McDonalds. Bleh.

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  2. If I were to create a list (ha!) it would be similar...two days ago, in a facebook post I wrote I referred to this being "fireworks season". And those deliciously cute pillowcase dresses make me glad I have two boys! And don't get me started on the "zoo".

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    1. People DO treat it like a whole "fireworks season," don't they? Gah. If it's not about the Fourth of July, then do something creative, at least - run around in your Old Navy puffy coat with a sparkler in January. I could appreciate that. Plus it gets dark earlier, and it's slippery, so I'd have a better excuse for running over them.

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  3. I am Greek so I shave year round. I have often wondered about you women that don't shave 'til summer. It must be nice. :)

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    1. Hahahaha! One important thing you should know about me is that I'm a huge liar. I shave year-round, too; I'm a brunette with very thick hair, and if I don't shave occasionally my pants won't fit. ;)

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  4. Please don't run anyone over with your car. We like you and will miss you if you are arrested for vehicular manslaughter and this blog could be admitted as evidence of premeditation.
    I hadn't been in a bike for 7 years because of the having babies and caring for kids job and I forgot how much fun they are! After 5 years of sitting in my garage it just needed inflated tires. I am "thinking about" riding my bike to school this summer. Let's check in later and see if either of us did it.

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    1. On a bike! It would be hard to be in a bike.

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    2. "Let's check in later and see if either of us did it." HA - indeed! I like to do things in stages (for instance, I cut arm holes for the pillowcase dress one day, got the sewing machine out two days later, rethreaded it last weekend, and today I moved it to a spot on the table that's close enough to an outlet that I could plug it in - someday). On the bike thing, so far I've felt the tires (flat), moved the lawn mower, tried to lift the bike off the hooks (too heavy), and put the lawn mower back. That took a week and a half. My prospects don't look good.

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  5. Love your list! So realistic! And blissfully honest :)

    I love the fact that you might just plan to go to the zoo. Because seriously, the GOING is so much work...

    and as for shaving my legs, I'm tempted not to for the next several months. Who knows, by October, I might not have to wear tights with a skirt -- I'll have "hair tights" -- It could be the new fashion trend for fall -- hey, it has TEXTURE :)

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    1. I just laughed SO HARD at the phrase "hair tights"! Absolutely perfect for the fall's organic color palette.

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  6. Panicking about viruses is also one of my favorite summer pastimes. That summer a few years ago when the Swine Flu was out of control, man what an exciting summer.

    Also don't be too hard on your kids, because to be honest, if I don't get to control the sprinkler I don't really want to play either. Especially when playing with my work buddies.

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    1. Ah, the Swine Flu, those were the days. Sorta makes me feel nostalgic for the Bird Flu.

      I'm afraid I have to be a little strict with the kids on the sprinkler thing, otherwise they'd be tromping in and out of the house every five minutes tattling on each other, sprinkler in hand. Of course that probably wouldn't get anything wet, since the hose gets kinked up if you so much as look at it.

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  7. What is it about Pinterest and pillow cases?? I made a hideous, ugly, flimsy, not-at-all-like-the-picture, purse out of a pillow case and I don't even *like* purses or plan on every carrying one.

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    1. Apparently they think people don't use pillowcases anymore (those things are soooo 20th century), so we need lots of ways to deplete our pillowcase stockpiles. I don't know how, but Pinterest tricks you into doing projects that you don't actually want to do. I could easily buy Zoe a bunch of dresses for the same price I paid for the pillowcases, PLUS she doesn't even need any clothes. Dumb Pinterest.

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  8. OMG I laughed so hard while reading this post that I almost peed myself! You're hilarious... and the worst part is that I can relate to so many of the things on your list! Shave my legs, Think about bike riding, both totally got me so hard! And the Pinterest comment... totally evil! I get so darned lost on that site that it takes me hours to climb back out of the depths of pinned boards that I find/follow/save for later. At one point, my Firefox window had 101 (I'm not exaggerating, I counted them) tabs opened... all but my email and facebook were from Pinterest! And then there's the Find Balance item... That's me to a T! Thanks for sharing!

    Stopped by from Mama Kat's

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    1. Thank you, I'm so glad you liked it! I'm terrible about having too many tabs open - ask my husband, who's always stuck with a snail-like connection because I'm using up all the bandwidth on "reminders" for stuff I'm never really going to do. Suuuuure, Robyn, you're going to go out and buy the ingredients to make homemade super-bouncy balls with the kids. Uh-huh. Or are you going to go to Target, get sidetracked, buy $200 worth of other stuff, and then let them get bouncy balls from the 25¢ machine by the door on the way out? That's what I thought.

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  9. Oye veh - I am with you on the sun burn. I just need to look at sunshine or my skin is red... but I do love my freckles that come with my complexion.
    Here in Europe the habit of shaving legs is getting over the top - I am hairy, but thank goodness I am blond! My skin gets angry red blotches if it only sees a shaver :-)
    Being Dutch, I was almost born on a bike - but biking in USA? Been there done that - it is a passtime for suicidal people in my humble opinion. Drivers do not have any respect for other road users, rude!
    You are welcome to come over here to drive over peeps: fireworks are for New Years Eve - but start by the end of November... I'll even come and visit you in jail. Deal?

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    1. Deal! That sounds great - I bet I'd amass an enormous fan base, running over out-of-season fireworks enthusiasts. Apparently nobody likes those guys.

      I agree with you on the dangers of biking. There are most certainly some cities/towns that are WAY more biker-friendly than others, but most of the time bikers over here are being yelled at by pedestrians to stay off the sidewalks and yelled at by motorists to get off the road. Sigh. ;)

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    2. Oh yeah - thousands of fans, absolutely no doubt about it! :-)

      I am very fortunate as here in the Netherlands we are a biking country - nice and cheap transport - and drivers are used to the massive amounts of bikers. We even have our own biker lane's! The downside for a car driver: getting multiple heart attacks when kids throw themselves in front of your car as they still want to make it to the other side of the road...

      where, oh, where is the happy middle?

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  10. Oh my Good God of Hairy Legs...this is hysterical. I'm not a big LOLer. Sure, I chuckle here and there, but, this is gold. Love it. Even better, you've spared me having to make an effort to write a list of things I won't do this summer. I will just borrow yours, thankyouverymuch.

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    1. Well, thankYOUverymuch! You're more than welcome to borrow my list; I forgot to include how I'm going to shoot the ice cream truck with a grenade launcher, though, so you might want to pencil that in at the bottom of your copy.

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  11. We've already had some fireworks go off in our neighborhood. Now, I love the 4th of July and that night I'm cool with any loud sparkly thing that explodes in the night sky (partly because my husband and teenagers are participants in this endeavor) but for crying out loud! June 7? Not cool!

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    1. Gah, people, COME ON! June 7th? I bet those are the same people who get their Christmas lights out at the same time they're packing away the Halloween decorations.

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  12. Your hypothetical to do list makes me tired. Also, am I the only one who lives in an area where fireworks are nearly always accompanied by gunshots? Double the annoyance, double the terror!

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    1. Hahaha! No, you're not - and for some reason it also inspires people to rev their motorcycles (For the extra noise? Not sure). NEWSFLASH, dumbholes: we don't still need to scare the British away. They're our friends now. Read a newspaper.

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  13. Ok I got a plan for you & the zoo....You pull it up on the computer show the kids, make it a zoo in the next state & tell them hey if we save our $$$ from the ice cream truck make koolaid popcicles instead & you help with chores get an allowance we can have enough $$$ to go NEXT summer!!! But look here aren't these zoo animals cute? Now my other plan to save you some sanity....you talk alot about running over.....hmmm following me here...ok run that dang evil piece of metal, plastic or whatever they are making them out of & shed tears in front of the kids of your sadness & when they cry to & ask to buy another say "we can't we are saving $$$ for the fantastic zoo trip we are taking NEXT summer". heh? Love this lists and I wish you luck in your summer, i am glad though YOU do have some goals already met. Excited to see lake house pictures :}

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    1. Ah HA, the old "next summer" postponement tactic - I LIKE it! Then next summer when they're all set to go to the zoo, I can tell them I spent all our zoo money on tuition at boarding school.

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  14. You are hysterical!! Panicking about the west nile! Okay we are the same people bc I actually did panick about that at some point, esp. after my horrible bite last year. And I ummm HATE shaving but it is a necessity I guess.I wish they never invented it-LOL. You must link this up on my Sat laughs- way too funny!!! Love your blog hun!!!

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    1. Thanks so much! I've never worried much about West Nile, probably because I'm way too distracted by my tick and Lyme Disease phobias. See you at the Sat laughs! :)

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    2. I had Lyme Disease twice- it really stinks!

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    3. Dangit, Melissa, the only way I can muster the courage to go outside in the summer is to convince myself that Lyme Disease is made up - and now you're telling me that, for sure, it's real??? Oh dear... ;)

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  15. I loathe the pre-4th of July fireworks. Of course, this year I think we are more concerned that some of our neighbors may realize bullets are cheaper and therefore make substitutions....

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    1. Yeah, fireworks are pretty much a gateway explosive on the way to hardcore stuff like bullets and surface to air missles. Plus they're easier to aim than fireworks, so we're all a litle nervous, too.

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  16. Oh good grief! I have to shave?! Fooey. Gonna take a lot of razors to get through this jungle. sigh

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    1. Why has no one invented a tiny weedwacker for leg hair? It seems like a pretty obvious invention to me... I love this time of year - when your brand new razor starts out so sharp it severs several of your tendons, and by the time you're done it's all ragged and leaves stripes of red, angry skin scraped raw in its wake. Who WOULDN'T want to do that?

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    2. They did, it was called the Epilady, remember that little gem????

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    3. Arggggg, just the name of it makes my legs hurt! I loved how it randomly grabbed every tenth hair, so you never knew when the pain was coming AND your legs still weren't hairless when you were done. Piece of garbage.

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  17. Ugh my mother was a sprinkler scrooge too! What is the big deal? It's like the simplest fun a kid can have and the lawn gets watered too!

    Please promise me that you will keep pillow case dresses limited to the 10 and under crowd. I once found this travesty and had to blog about it and worry that I might become this woman in some other universe. http://sparkling74.blogspot.com/2011/04/im-going-straight-to-hell-there-is-no.html

    Found you at saturday laughs.

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    1. Oh. my. gawd. Your post killed me! That's horrible, and I swear that I'll never make a pillowcase dress that an adult could wear.

      We sprinkler scrooges don't even fully understand the depths of our own psychosis. We do feel badly about it, though. Not badly enough to turn on the sprinkler, but, you know, pretty bad.

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  18. How's your list coming so far? =)

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    1. I have far exceeded my own expectations by completing one thing on the list - I made one shoddily constructed pillowcase dress. Thanks for asking :)

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  19. Great List Robyn! I can relate to the bike riding and go to the lake. One of my favorite activities with my family of 5 is to venture out on a family bike ride. My youngest is 4 1/2 and he can finally join in the fun with a tag-a-long bike that is attached to my husband's bike. The tag-a-long is much better for him than the burley trailer we used to put him in, because now he is actually working out with the rest of us! Our bike store actually let us trade in our burley trailer for the tag-a-long (such an unexpected treat!). I think next year, he will be able to keep up on his own bike. We love riding on bike trails into a nearby town and having lunch together. You are ahead of me on the go to the lake goal. I have been thinking about it for awhile but have not booked it yet. Hoping to book a VRBO condo for the middle of July at a nearby lake we love visiting. Thanks for sharing!

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    1. I hadn't thought about a trailer - I have a baby seat on the back of my bike, but my husband (ever the worrier) doesn't think it's safe ("Over my dead body," I think was the phrase he used).:) Maybe a low-to-the-ground trailer would pass inspection, depending on how many buckles and straps and metric tons of padding we can get in there. Thanks for commenting!

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