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Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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My Deep and Socially Relevant Musings on Facebookery

So Gerry and I are both  on facebook now, which is sort of a brain-bender if you know us personally, since we resisted it for so long despite our friends' repeated attempts to get us to join.


I get it now, though.  Facebook is all about ignoring everyone who's physically in the room with you, in favor of making snide and witty remarks to people you haven't seen in over 15 years (as opposed to Twitter, which is pretty much the same except your snide comments have to be shorter, and you're sending them mainly to people you haven't seen ever  in real life, not even in high school, assuming high school counts as real life, which, for the record, it does not).

Anyway, I can totally see the point, and I love it.  It's awesome.  Unfortunately, we're so late to the game that everyone else is pretty much over it, plus people who don't know me very well probably think I'm serious when I do things like update my status with a photo of Gerry updating his status.

We were walking to the park, ignoring the kids,
making dorky status updates.
"We absolutely can't do this kind of stuff," Gerry said, then
immediately qualified it. "After this time,  I mean."

The only down side, really, is Zuckerberg's creepy quest to take over the world one piece of confidential, personal information at a time.

You know what I'm talking about; I hardly told facebook anything about myself, yet it suddenly knows my favorite color, when my library books are due, and the last three years of my deleted innerweb browsing history.  Am I the only one who's disturbed when facebook suggests friends to me that I'd forgotten I'd ever met?
"Hey girl," facebook whispers in the Sleazy Bedroom Voice normally reserved for Ryan Gosling these days, "I bet you probably want to send a friend request to that kid who shared his funnel cake at the fair when you were eight - remember how he said you were cute?  I'm sure  he wants to reconnect.  Mmmhmm.   And don't forget the cousin of your third grade teacher, the one you met that one time when you were leaving the mall 11 years ago.  You know  you wanna know what she's up to, girl."
Um, no facebook.  No, I do not.  And also, Who????

But I do  want to know what you're  up to, so don't get any funny ideas about not joining the HTV facebookery.  If that was too many quadruple negatives for you, the upshot is that you can just click the little facebook button over there - go ahead, I'll wait - because I'm loving me some facebook friends.  You're my new family, since my real-life family is old news.

Obviously I'm totally kidding.
Mostly.
But I digress.

We're still sort of figuring out facebook etiquette so we don't tick off the Tiny Square Photos which our friends have become, and learning how to manage our accounts so that we don't go insane or feel compelled to track down (totally hypothetical) people he used to know and smother her in her sleep.

Or whatever.

Here's what I've learned so far.
  1. It's irritating when people constantly post "humorous" graphics that aren't the least bit funny - unless they consistently label them "LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" in a non-ironic way, complete with all caps and eleventy hundred exclamation points, in which case they start to become funny for different reasons.
  2. You'd better do your homework when you accept a friend request from someone whose name only barely sort of sounds familiar, otherwise you might start getting Random Slutty Status Updates like, "How do you like my new piercings?" complete with graphic photos of said piercings.  Your wife will not really think this is very funny.  At all.  Just sayin'.
  3. Facebookians can be categorized many ways, and here's one of them:
    • People who want you to know where they're eating all the time
    • People who always just got the high score on some game that I must. never. click. on. or else I'm sure I'll get instantly addicted
    • People who are all business and whose super-serious posts make me feel like a frivolous silly little underachiever who should probably get off facebook and go invent Starbucks or something
    • People who are snarky
    • People who are Blessed
On that last count, let me go on record saying that I think it's marvelous so many people apparently feel blessed these days.  However, I suspect some of you might be faking it, considering that psychotherapists still seem to be doing a pretty brisk business and Road Rage is at an all time high.

Hey, I'm not judging - I don't know your lives.  I'm just a skeptic, I guess - a skeptic who assumes that (statistically speaking) at least half of these Blessed individuals are really at home with their teeth clenched together and their left eye twitching a little, rocking themselves in the corner.  So by all means, go ahead and keep counting your blessings; just know that when I read about them in your status updates, sometimes I imagine that you're on facebook because you're taking a quick break from cleaning your rifle and writing your manifesto.

Because that's what do.

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Please click below to vote - and facebookians, if you must know where I eat:
breakfast is served standing at the kitchen counter, lunch is enjoyed as I hover over the sink, and for dinner I perch on the edge of the couch while trying not to get ketchup on the carpet.
Now you know.
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30 comments:

  1. Hahahahaha...oh my gosh, this was awesome. Must go share with the social media universe...LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    ...was that enough exclamation points for you to know I'm simultaneously blessed and deranged?

    ReplyDelete
  2. @Paige, CRAP, I forgot the blessed/deranged combo category!

    It's gotten kinda out of hand - now my husband and I end all text communication this way.

    "Picked up the milk. LOL!!!!!!!!"

    "They baby finally pooped. LOL!!!!"

    "I think I'm pregnant. LOL!!!!!"

    Thanks for tweeting - I sure appreciate it! :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. I was totally laughing at your Facebookery blog rant until your comment above:
    "I think I'm pregnant. LOL!!!!!"
    And now I am sitting here mouth agape. You crack me up!

    ReplyDelete
  4. If this were a facebook status update, I would, like, TOTALLY "like".

    ROL!!! :D

    ReplyDelete
  5. Forgot the "it". Proofreading helps, eh?!

    LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Nailed it! My rifle is too clean, so I had to take a minute to read your commentary. What a blessing!!!!!!!!!! Lol!!!!!! Seriously. ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  7. looks like i wasn't the only one who'd think it was funny, but i totally did, too! LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!

    i love all the LOL!!!!!!!!!!s

    ReplyDelete
  8. @keepswimming for the record, and in case karma is listening: JUST KIDDING ABOUT THE PREGNANT THING. Not that another baby wouldn't be a blessing, LOL!!!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  9. @kc you jest, but I really was reading something on the interwebz last night and thought, "Well that's funny, but I don't need to comment on it - where's the Like button?" But it was a comment on someone else's blog, which (der) doesn't have a Like button. Just goes to show that fb is weasling its way into my brains. Great.

    ReplyDelete
  10. @kc, also LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  11. @sperry, now YOURS is a manifesto I can't wait to read. Drop a copy off for me when you're on your way to the clock tower (Aren't clock towers such a blessing?).

    Wait for it...
    Wait for it...
    Wait for it...

    LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  12. @thirdparty I hoped you'd get a kick out of it ;)

    ReplyDelete
  13. also mysterious/facebook-as-therapist post obviously to some dude who's treatin' them wrong. i.e. Some people don't appreciate what true friendship is or Some people don't realize that their words hurt.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I kind of control the emails from Facebook. Recently discovered, the closed groups are not safe either. If some one put a comment, then their friends and friends of friends can see it. If some one tag the photo, then more people can view it. I don't update my status all the time.Privacy settings must be on.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Love this post. The infographic, is awesome.

    ReplyDelete
  16. You forgot the "Constant Quoter". The facebookian who constantly updates their status with quotes from famous writers or historical figures.

    "Enough already with the quotes" - Mark Twain

    ReplyDelete
  17. @inbed - so true - anything where there's an implied and you know who you are! I'd lump them in with the overly dramatic and equally vague teenage "What's the point?" posts.

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  18. @Bindhurani I agree, you can't be too careful. Plus I'm such a facebook dunce that I keep doing things for "security," like block people, and then they don't end up blocked. It's possible I'm not qualified to safely use fb.

    ReplyDelete
  19. @Christian, that made me snort coffee! Those are terrible, I'll agree, but I think even worse are the ones who make up their own inspirational sayings.

    "Grab this day, because only you have the power to grab your day and make it awesome." Oh yeah? Then why does everyone else have the power to grab my day and make it suck?

    ReplyDelete
  20. hilarious!
    Another facebook "personality" are the ones who fish for attention such as "Some people are idiots", or "Certain people need to back off"...things like that. Geez - just post a status and lose the drama! haha

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. @Debbie I always wonder why those people are being so vague - are you just venting, or am I supposed to ask what's wrong???

      Delete
  21. Well, after reading Debbie's comment about those fishing for attention, I almost felt guilty for posting "I understand why some animals eat their young".

    Almost.

    That post got the immediate attention of one of my grown kids, aka...the guilty party...and very deserving of said comment.

    As a parent, I stand my Facebook ground and enjoy creating a little drama every now and then.

    But..reading updates about who just cleaned their toilets, cleaned the litter box..do we really need to share the mundane?

    Great post, thanks for the giggles!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. @Patty I think parents get a free ticket to unload frustration, plus your post was funny! :) Same goes for some other categories of people/posts, I think; I've worked office jobs I've hated before, so if you need to post that the next person to barge into your office is getting a stapler to the forehead, that's cool - I get it. The ones that drive me crazy are the meaningless, vague ones, like, "Mean people suck." Well, duh. Tell me something I DON'T know. :)

      Delete
  22. I need to add one to your list of categories for people- those who make vague comments on horrible, terrible things going on in their lives on their status....and then when others ask what is wrong they state-- Nothing I want to discuss on facebook. WHAT??? Why would you even allude to it then???

    I found your blog through the blogger comment club, thanks for letting me visit.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. @Kerry too true - they already ARE discussing in on facebook! As if we asked out of the blue, "Hey, I don't mean to pry, but aren't there some horrible things going on in your life that you'd like to detail publicly?"

      Thanks so much for visiting from BCC! :)

      Delete
  23. My right eye has pretty much been twitching non-stop for two weeks now. Is this not normal? I'm not rocking yet, anyway.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. @sanstrousers I seriously hope it's normal, or I'm in trouble. :)

      Delete
  24. Replies
    1. Thanks, Anna! Every day I get a little closer to being able to say, "It's good to be here." ;)

      Delete

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