-->
Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
Follow the Hollow Tree on Facebook!Follow the tweets!Let's pin together!Look! Square pictures!Google Plus us!HTV's on the YouTube, too!Subscribe via RSS feed!Get yourself some Bloglovin'!I'll send htv to your email inbox!

Kitchen Fail (aka Why It Takes Me Two Hours To Ruin Dinner)

Yesterday, all seven of us gathered together at a local park in an effort to have our very first full-family professional photos taken. I can't wait to see the results; our photographer is a very talented lady, so I'm hoping there will be at least one shot in which none of the kids are mid-gripe about how cold it was, Zoe isn't mid-freak-out about a spider sighting, Maddie isn't crying, my eleventy miles of wild hair aren't blowing straight sideways, and at least two of us are smiling. We'll see.

Too stuffy.  (source)

Too relaxed.  (source)


Nailed it.  (source)

I knew it was going to be a busy evening without a lot of time to cook a huge dinner, so I decided to be Really On Top Of Things and make something in the crock pot. But what you may not know, unless you've been paying attention, is that I'm not too swift in the kitchen. So when I say "I made something in the crock pot," what I really mean is "I got an early start on ruining dinner."

My first mistake was completely forgetting all about my Grand Plan until I was already making lunch. Oops, it seems like there was something I was going to do first thing this morning...  Strike one.

All was not lost, though! If I hurried, I could still pull it off. According to the recipe I just needed to cook up some bacon, so I grabbed the clean frying pan off the top of the stove, which is where you keep your frying pan if your kitchen is tiny and sad and has no storage.

Except the pan wasn't clean.

Apparently the pan was "soaking" so as I grabbed it, some of the grease-water concoction sloshed out onto the floor. That wouldn't have been too bad, except the rest of the grease-water sloshed into the baby's car seat, because who doesn't keep the car seat on the floor in front of the stove?

That was only the beginning. Allow me to walk you quickly through the rest of the process, in case someday you'd like to spend two hours doing something that was supposed to take ten minutes.
  1. Clean the pan. Locate bacon (in the freezer). Toss frozen bacon in the pan. Watch pan very closely - until two seconds have elapsed and you're distracted by a baby throwing bits of strawberry at the cat.
  2. Clean up strawberry. Wonder what that weird noise is.
  3. Notice plumes of smoke coming from the general direction of the stove. Take pan off stove. In a moment of panic, run water into the pan "to cool it off." Notice plumes of smoke increase in density by roughly 1000%.
  4. Open the windows and rip the smoke alarm off the wall (safety first, people), but not until after you take a moment to tweet about it.
  5. Let the pan cool off. Realize there's no empty jar under the sink in which to deposit grease. Find half a jar of Ragu in the fridge, assume it's probably been in there since you moved in anyway, pour it down the sink so you can use the jar.
  6. Clean up the pan (again) and determine that you know where you went wrong. Start all over with a fresh batch of bacon.
  7. Get distracted by more tweets.
  8. That weird noise sounds awfully familiar... ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?!
  9. This used to be bacon.  No lie.
  10. Give up on stupid bacon. Omit it from recipe.
  11. Finish getting everything into the crock pot. Begin clean-up of kitchen. Grease. is. everywhere. Try to put the Ragu jar of run-off grease under the sink, but realize the lid is missing. Spend 10 minutes looking, then suddenly remember what you did with it.
  12. Dig Ragu lid out of trash, where it's wrapped up in butcher paper with raw chicken trimmings and chunks of carbon that were once potentially delicious bacon.
  13. Hours later, start loading kids up to get professional photos taken. Realize that you forgot to clean sloshed grease-water out of baby's car seat.
My only consolation is that I'm consistently terrible at cooking, so even if I'd been paying attention as closely as I should have been, I wouldn't have known what I was doing anyway.

We rarely have dinner guests.

I can't imagine why.


Please click below to vote, based on the fact that I've kept my children's standards so low that they said the dinner resulting from this mess was "just like Thanksgiving."
Top Mommy Blogs - Mom Blog Directory



I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing - and so I don't get all lonely. I get extra-pathetic when I'm lonely.


31 comments:

  1. Oh man, this made me laugh so hard. First off, I need to go look at Awkward Family Photos. It's been far too long. Thanks for the reminder.

    I can cook, which is shocking, 'cause I am SO easily distracted. It's pretty much the only time I can focus and get something done from start to finish, and well. I almost cried over two wasted pans of bacon. I kinda heart bacon. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Everyone needs a little bit of Awkward Family Photos in their day. I just hope I don't become a part of it when these photos get uploaded.

      I kinda heart bacon, too - we were all pretty upset... Come to find out, nobody tries to cook it on the stove anymore. I thought it felt a little retro when I was doing it. ('Scuse me, I mean when I was ATTEMPTING to do it.)

      Delete
  2. I'm not that good of a cook either, although I have had a lot of people compliment me on my microwave skills.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If I were smart I'd have all my kitchen appliances removed except for the microwave (which I only caught on fire once).

      Delete
  3. Seriously, hardest i've laughed since i first started reading your blog...that damn grease/water concoction is the bane of anyone who prefers to 'soak' their dishes rather than 'wash' them...kitchen fail, indeed

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I like to delude myself into thinking soaking dishes will, overall, make washing them go faster, when in reality it just delays the inevitable. Plus when you add in the Slosh Factor I'm sure I'd be better off not soaking, but I've never been one to learn my lesson. Glad you could relate! :)

      Delete
  4. Um, can we say Take Out? That's what I would have done. PS, what is this crock pot recipe that calls for bacon? It sounds promising!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It would have been delicious - chicken (good) covered with cheese (even better) sprinkled with bacon (my taste buds are rioting). I bet I could've ordered it for take out someplace, though, and then my house wouldn't still smell like charred meat. Seriously, it smells like the inside of a charcoal grill in here. :P

      Delete
  5. Mmmmm bacon. I love bacon. And you lost 2 packages in one day? I am so sorry for your loss. *moment of silence*

    I cook bacon on the stove too, it's the only way in my book. I'm kind of a bacon whisperer, you might say.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Packages?? Oh no, we buy bacon in bulk at the butcher (you'd love their sign: "Live Butchers, Fresh Cut Daily!"), like 5 or 10 pounds at a time. So, please, Bacon Master, come and teach me the ways of the stove-cooked bacon, because even if we have 9.5 more pounds in the freezer, I can't afford to lose another strip.

      Delete
    2. Whew. I feel better now. And like you even more now that I know you have that much bacon on hand.

      Also, I forgot to mention I really want a wolf pouch now.

      Delete
  6. This is why I rarely cook bacon. I suck at it. It usually looks exactly like yours. I even tried cooking it in the oven once - I still forgot about it in those 2 seconds where it goes from not cooked enough to charcoal.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. HA!! Ok I'm totally about the last family photo, it's so....primitive, yeah that's it and as far as your burnt bacon, I've done that with corn. Yep, I left it cooking on the stove while being distracted by the children. Next thing I know the water evaporated, the corn was completely unrecognizable and the house was smoking. I had no choice but to throw the pot away.

      Enjoyed your post!!

      Delete
    2. Vanessa - THANK YOU! I thought it was just my imagination that it seemed to go from uncooked to fossilized in a matter of seconds. I swear you can watch it in the pan and it's raw... raw... raw... raw... ::blink:: BURNT TO A CRISP!

      Delete
    3. Saimi, "primitive" is such a sweet way to put it. :) And the corn - HA! Stupid evaporation. I laughed out loud at you throwing the whole pan away - been there!

      Delete
  7. You are my favorite humor blog! You make me pee in my pants everytime I read your posts! I missed them while I was away on vacation. I hate bacon so it would be very easy for me to omit! Haha- I think the same thing when my hand hits anything raw- no for real:)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm so glad you're back from vacation (so totally selfish of me, I know), and THANKS for the huge compliment! I try to contribute to incontinence whenever I can - not that I'm a huge fan of it, it just makes me feel better when I'm not the only one peeing myself. :)

      I have to wash my hands about eleventy thousand times while I'm cooking. Touched raw meat? Scrub hands. Threw something away and came within a micrometer of touching the trash can? Scrub hands. Touched something that might have touched something that was near raw meat? Scrub hands. It's a miracle I have any skin left.

      Delete
  8. Cautious optimism for family photos is always a good thing. This whole post cracked me up! I remember preparing dinner that involved shaking some ingredients together in a bag. As I was shaking the bag over my baby in her car seat in the kitchen the ziploc bag opened and spilled greasey mess all over her and the seat. Two minutes later the door bell rang for the Mom and her kids we were having over for a play date. I was cleaning and trying to explain the mess I'd created. Isn't that what makes this gig fun?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's SO something that would happen to me! I'd have said to the other mom, "Sorry for the mess, I'm just trying to Shake N Bake the baby - can you help me get her back into this ziploc bag?" Did I mention I don't have many friends?

      Delete
  9. I burnt the hell out of my mother in laws beloved chili recipe. It tasted like burning....and I still dished it out for my husband to eat...I threw loads of garlic salt and cheese on top.
    Still tasted like burning

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think it's so unfair that the TASTE of burning can get into food - like the smell isn't enough of a tattletale to our failure. But the fact that I know exactly what taste you're talking about just goes to show I've done it too, more than once - and I'll be damned if everybody isn't going to sit around the table and eat it anyway with huge smiles plastered on their faces. ;)

      Delete
  10. Last week I sent the fire alarm off twice...first time with sausage, the second was bacon...for some reason my husband doesn't "like" burnt bacon. What's up with that?!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Picky, picky! :) We don't have an exhaust hood over our stove, so our smoke alarm goes off even if nothing is technically burning. Hush, that's my story...

      Delete
  11. LOL...I thought those things only happened to me. Look at it this way...atleast you are consistent.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's right! They always know what to expect (read: not much). ;)

      Delete
  12. Oh, you make me laugh! Hey, this could happen to anyone! At least you don't keep the frying pan in front of the refrigerator and the infant carrier on top of it!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. HA! Well, that really does put things in perspective, doesn't it? :D

      Delete
  13. Hahaha! This? IS awesome. I am a total kitchen disaster myself. All I know how to do is cook spaghetti. Everything else is take out or the hubs' job. This is totally something that would've happened at my house. I think I love you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Likewise! ;) I can pretty much only make spaghetti, too, except I'll still let the pot of water boil over. PLUS (are you sitting down?) Gerry doesn't like spaghetti, so I never even make it!

      Delete
  14. Hi Robyn! This post was a link from a link from a link from your wrap up this week...so here I am reading old posts! :)
    Hey SO, I love cooking bacon and am really good at it. Luckily my husband likes to consume it by the pound. When we camp, my favorite activity is getting up at the crack of dawn (not really that part, damn kids!) and cook bacon and drink beer. I've been known to cook 2 or 3 pounds just cause I like it so much. So, we just need to add to our list of things to do when we finally meet in our next life....cook bacon. (so that's #1. Drink wine #2. Cook bacon)Can. Not. Wait. :) <3 Devan

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. THAT is going to be the best girls' night EVER! :D

      Delete

Thank you for commenting - you're awesome! I mean, even if you're a jerk, at least it means you read my blog. RIGHT?!?