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Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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FragEEElay - it must be Italian!

I'm going out on a limb here and assuming that everyone and their mother has seen the movie A Christmas Story, since even I've seen it, despite the fact that I'm always the one in the room who hasn't seen whatever movie it is that everyone's talking about.
Somebody (using vaguely Italian accent): Say hello to my little friend!
Me: Um, okay.  Hello.
Somebody: What? No, it's from Scarface.
Me: Um, okay.
Somebody: (spouts random factoids about Scarface  in a misguided attempt to jog my memory)
Me: Yeah, I never saw it.
Somebody: (astonished, rants for 20 minutes about how Scarface  is a Classic and they can't believe I haven't seen it, followed by plans that are starting to sound frighteningly concrete for the two of us to watch Scarface  together in the near future)
Me (trying to get them to shut up): Oh, THAT Scarface.  Yeah, I've totally seen that.  I thought you said E.T.
Anyway, here's where I act like Somebody and explain, in case you don't know, that "FragEEElay - it must be Italian" is what the dad in A Christmas Story  says when he receives a huge crate marked "FRAGILE" containing a major award.
Also, A Christmas Story  is a Classic, and if you've never seen it we should really get together - how's Tuesday for you? - because I have it on DVD with the outtakes and interviews with the actors.  Oh, you have  seen it, after all?  Big surprise.
What I'm getting at is that I won a major award!  But not just one major award - I was nominated for TWO major awards on the same day!  Can you believe it?  Yeah, me neither.  Things are really starting to come together for me.

The first one comes from my girlfriend (she doesn't know we're going steady yet, but she'll get used to the idea eventually and invite me inside so I can stop watching her from the tree outside her window), Paige at There's More Where That Came From, and boy oh boy, I bet right about now she's feeling rather sorry she did.

It's the Lovely Blogger Award!


Paige didn't specify that including an unflattering picture of myself was required, but she posted one of herself on her blog, so I think the mandatory nature of photo posting was implied.

One of the many wonderful things about Paige, besides her hilarious blog (which you'd better start reading if you don't already), is that the award she has awarded me has a super-simplified list of rules - namely, I just have to list seven things that annoy me.  Which I was probably going to end up doing anyway, but this way I get to make it look like there's a reason for it beyond just general grumpiness.  So without further ado...

Seven Things That Annoy Me

  1. The fact that the whole world doesn't already know everything that annoys me, and doesn't just avoid doing any of those things without me having to intervene with irritated sideways glares and snide remarks muttered under my breath.
  2. The extra gravity in effect in front of my refrigerator, which makes me drop every third thing I try to take out of the fridge and causes all 50 pounds of kid artwork to randomly fall down even though we use upwards of eleventy thousand magnets.
  3. Commercials in general, but especially the ones that star the business owner, who clearly has very little acting experience, and are filmed by the business owner's 6-year-old child using a shoulder-mounted Camcorder that was time-warped in from 1981.
  4. The baby's unwillingness to conform her nap schedule to the daily syllabus I have so thoughtfully provided for her.
  5. The phrase "a couple three."  A couple is two.  Three is three.  SO WHICH IS IT, ALREADY?
  6. People who stand in my way at the grocery store because they're busy checking every single gallon of milk for the latest expiration date.  If your life is so unpredictable that one day difference in the expiration date is that critical for you, just get a half-gallon and move on.  Besides, I  was going to get the gallon with the latest expiration!
  7. The fact that I can't think of one more thing that annoys me, because in real life EVERYTHING annoys me.
I know we're all better people for having read that list.  But we're not finished just yet!  Vanessa, via her funny and so-clever-I-wish-I'd-thought-of-it blog at 5 Things About Nothing Important, has nominated me for a Liebster Award!


Here is where I was going to link to the post where I accepted the Liebster Award before, and tell Vanessa that I hope she isn't offended if I spare everyone going through my acceptance speech again, except I can't, because I suck.

Why, you ask?  For many reasons, but in particular right now I'm referring to the fact that Marian of Just Keep Swimming (another blog you should SO check out - very funny - trust me, I'm not just her fan club president, I'm also a member) nominated me for the Liebster in April and I thanked her on Facebook, and then TOTALLY SPACED OUT on mentioning it here on HTV.

Yes, I'm a jerk, unworthy of awards, and I heartily apologize to everyone involved and to my mother, who's probably embarrassed by my rudeness because she raised me better than that.

Sigh.  I hope my social awkwardness didn't ruin the merriment for everyone.  To perk things back up, I'm going to break my rule about not passing out awards and spread the love (yes, that's love you're feeling, people).  Since there are TWO awards being presented (now she's just bragging),  the fine folks below are officially nominated for both.  Or either.  Or neither, if you don't like getting awards.  I won't be offended, just like all my lovely nominators seem not to be offended, or at least seem to have forgiven me for my ham-fisted attempts at accepting awards, and continue to be my friends.

  • Trucking Tumbleweed at Confessions of a Tumbleweed, because I get all giddy with impending laughter every time I see a new post from her in my Google reader, and I'm a little surprised she hasn't taken over the world yet, or at least the interwebs.  Also, she teaches me random facts about bugs and hideous fish that are fun to bring up at parties (that's a lie - I don't get invited to parties).  She's so cool that Vanessa already nominated her for this Liebster, but I've always wanted to nominate her for something so I'm just gonna go ahead and do it, even though awards make her uncomfortable and twitchy.  YOU'RE WELCOME.
  • Christian and Pat at Point Counter-Point Point Point, because I'm always excited to see what those two crazy kids are going to argue about next (except I rarely seem to run into Pat in the blogosphere, so I'm going to start an urban legend that Pat is just a figment of Christian's imagination).  Their witty banter makes me laugh out loud at every post.  I could never figure out why they didn't have a bazillion followers, until today when I realized they probably DO have a bazillion (or more) because I know for a fact that I subscribe but my name didn't show up under their Google thingy.  So, heads up, guys - some of your followers are invisible.  Unless you kicked me off your followers list on purpose, in which case NICE TRY - I just resubscribed.
  • Gerry at The Third Party, because he's incredible and I love him and I can't wait to see him roll his eyes at this nomination when he gets home from work.
  • Ang at Tall Curly Biscuit even though she prolly has bedunkdydunktillion followers and therefore doesn't technically qualify for these awards, provided there are Follower Limits as part of the award rules, which I'm too lazy to go back and check on.  Her tagline is "Fourth funniest blog on the web," but I'm pretty sure that's based on outdated figures and should be third or maybe even second by now.  I love her, and the world should be frightened about the very real prospect of us getting together in real life to practice her new sport, Cart Staging, and just generally wreaking havoc on society.
Okay, that's enough, mostly because my wrists hurt from typing while supporting a sleeping baby in my lap, but also because said baby is starting to wake up.  I heart you all like chocolate chip-covered peanut butter toast (which is a lot).  Thank you to Paige, and Vanessa, and (belatedly) Marian for the awards, and thanks to all of you for making me feel all loved and squiggly inside.  Fo realz.

Please click below to vote, because I'm greedy and two awards still isn't enough to feed the insatiable appetite of my ego.
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33 comments:

  1. I judged my last bad date when he didn't understand why I so loved my red Swingline stapler. I can't get annoyed when people haven't seen the movies I have, 'cause I watch like four a week. Well, I do get annoyed, but I shouldn't. :)

    Congrats on your awards! I got the Liebster award this week too and was very honored.

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    1. Congrats on your Liebster!

      And that guy deserved to be judged, even I get the stapler reference (Goonies, amIright?). Just kidding. ;)

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  2. Wow! Thanks so much for the award(s)! We weren't aware there were any issues with our Google followers thingy but that probably explains why no one has been sending us large amounts of money to write out blog. Don't worry I've contacted my congressman about the issue.

    P.S. "FragEEElay - it must be Italian!" is one of my all time favorite movie quotes. I had no idea it was from Scarface.

    P.S.S. Pat it totally a figment of my imagination. But please don't tell him.

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    1. You're welcome! I'm sure the large sums of money are on the way - I hear a wealthy Nigerian is just waiting to wire the funds to you, for a small fee...

      P.S. It's tough to keep up with the sources of all these famous quotes. For example, "I'll be back" is also from Scarface, as is "It's a cookbook! It's a cookbook!"

      P.S.S. ::stage whispers:: He's right behiiiind you!

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  3. Oh and I forgot to say thanks for the kind words too. Thanks!

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  4. Oh and it appears our Google follow thing must be working again now because I see that you are on there now. Phew!

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    1. I know, it must be quite a relief for you! Rest assured, the fact that Google did not think I was following you did not prevent Google from notifying me every time you published a post. Google is magical like that.

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    1. By all means, keep it up - having eleventy zillion comments makes me look really popular to people who aren't paying very close attention.

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  6. Ah, the Liebster award... The gift that keeps on giving.
    I annoy my husband to death because he will ask me about a movie, start talking about it and my answer is always "Oh yea! I've seen parts of that" It's true, I think I have seen "parts of" every movie ever made because my MO is:
    1. Start movie
    2. Watch 10-60 minutes of it
    3. Fall asleep
    4. Return movie before I ever go back and finish it
    When I'm retired my plan is to go back and finish all those movies. Or maybe there's a reason I fell asleep...

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    1. Ha! I do the same thing - watch parts of a movie - which drives my husband crazy, too. We'll be in the middle of a movie conversation before I realize I've never seen the ending, or (worse yet) that I didn't really see the movie at all but just THINK I did because he's described it to me before. ;)

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  7. Haha- I say a couple. Can we still be friends? Congrats on your award girl! Well deserved! Come link up if you like:) I love seeing you there because you always have the funniest posts!

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    1. We're still friends - as long as you don't say "a couple three." I don't know whu decided to combine those, but it's not a thing and I wish everybody would stop pretending it is!!!
      Whew, I need a deep breath... Thanks for the invite to come on over - I'd love to! And thanks for the compliment, too. ;)

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  8. I have created multiple "schedules" for my daughter as well. They always last about 2 hours and then life gets in the way. Like Dory says "just keep swimming!" Do I need to be "somebody" and explain? ;)

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    1. Hey, I got that one!!! I guess I've seen more movies than I thought (90% of them are animated, thuogh).

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  9. Even though it makes me uncomfortable and twitchy, thank you. Is love supposed to be this twitchy and uncomfortable?

    You totally deserve 2 awards in one day because your writing is awesome and real and *almost* makes me want a baby. But I'm pretty sure that's just because your baby still has me under her hypnotic stare/mind control.

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    1. Thank you, thank you, thank you! You know I love your blog, but I know about your aversion to giving weepy speeches, so I figured this would be the prefect way to slip an award or two under your door while I distracted you with hypno-baby.

      And yes, love can be twitchy and uncomfortable. Love, and burlap underwear.

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  10. Congratulations on the awards, present and past. I love the free feeling in your writing - it makes even an award post engaging! I say "even" because whenever I've received an award I suddenly become all dignified and proper - which is seriously boring. Also, I'm happy you've linked up to other bloggers because they sound great and now I have new people to check out!

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    1. Thank you! I know what you mean, I think it's really tough to express your gratitude without seeming stuffy; too funny and it seems irreverent, too serious and it's snoozeville. So I'm really relieved to hear you say it came out with the proper balance - I failed miserably last time and met with the sound of crickets, which makes me terrified of getting awards! :)

      I hope you enjoy the other bloggers - I do honestly read all their posts and love them!

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  11. If I were to start listing things that annoy me, I might MIGHT, finish the post by the fifth Sunday of next month. Then on the Monday after I'd be "Wait, I've got one more thing to add".

    Thank you Robyn for your kind words.

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    1. Thank YOU for the award - you certainly deserved getting it yourself!

      I'm with you - I was pretty afraid I wouldn't be able to stop at 7, until I realized I tell ALL my pet peeves here - I even have a whole page dedicated to them - so I suddenly got a block trying to think of things I hadn't griped about yet. :)

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  12. Because I'm nosey as hell, (and because my husband is away and I'm bored) I trekked over to "The Third Party" whose politics I agree with whole heartedly and it makes me like you even more.

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    1. Yay, that makes me smile! ;) The man has strong opinions, and he's not afraid to share them. Now you just need to move to our State House district in Michigan and vote for him in November!!! (You know, in your spare time.)

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  13. Something I started with my older kids while on camping trips and cuz I sucked at charades was we quoted movie lines no acting involved silently just a few lines from a favorite movie well all my movies were disney classic movies yep a little stunted on the grow-up world back then but Christmas Story is an all family favorite and we use lots of it in our camping trip games.
    Congrats on the awards and thanks for the new blogs to check out I am on my way over to some now heck who needs sleep.

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    1. That's a great game, I'm going to use that on our next car trip! Of course everyone will be able to guess the movies I'm quoting, since I only have a pool of about 4 to work with, but they're all highly quotable. :)

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  14. This post just made my day, as I'm sitting here complaining about being woken up for good by my toddler peeing on me at 4am....don't ask.

    Congrats on being awesome and deserving of many awards. Great list! I loved number three, and number six made me realize that I've never looked for the expiration date on the gallon, which is way we usually only have 24 hours to drink it, after I drag it home. Food for thought. So glad to know an awesome blogger such as yourself!

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    1. Hooraaaaay, toddler pee... (said in completely unenthusiastic monotone). There are a lot of things you can ignore when your toddler's trying to get you out of bed, but somehow they instinctively know that you pretty much have to get up if you're saturated with urine.

      Thanks for the kind words, and thanks again for the nomination! I'm really lucky to know you, too! :)

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  15. Yay you! By the way, every single time I see the word, "fragile", I always blurt out, "FragEEElay" My husband thinks I'm an idiot.

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    1. WHAT?!? That's grounds for irreconcilable differences at my house. I have the same reaction to "fragile" - I call it Quote Tourette's (or I do now, since I just thought of it). Other symptoms of QT at my house:

      -Response to bragging: "So I got that going for me, which is nice."
      -Yelled at people leaving the house: "Have fun storming the castle!"
      -If anyone mentions regrets: "My only regret... is that I have... boneitis."

      Okay, that last one was from TV. Don't get us started on TV quotes. Or song lyrics. ;)

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  16. I was just complaining about this the other day!!! The stupid shit that falls off the fridge. All I want is a glass of cranberry juice so my bladder doesn't shrivel up and grow fungus or something...wait...was that too much?

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    1. Thank goodness, I thought our fridge junk was haunted. And no, it's never too much coming from you. ;)

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  17. Love the part about the milk! I crawl into the freezer looking for the best date. I have no idea why because the milk is usually gone within 2 days anyway.

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    1. I do too! The way I act, you'd think that all the ones in the front expire tomorrow but waaayyyy in the back I'm going to find some Eternal Milk that never goes bad. As if it would matter - like you, we never still have milk around anywhere close to the expiration date.

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