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Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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Don't Hate Me Because I'm Beautiful

I'd like to extend a huge thank you to Emily, at Rantings of a Writer by Emily L. Moir, for nominating me for the...


...Beautiful Blogger Award (I hope you guessed right - the graphic was a pretty big hint).  Isn't it something???  Rule Numero Uno of accepting the award is that you poor, hapless folks have to learn seven new things about me against your will, all seven of which follow (but only five of which are true).
  1. "Numero uno" is one of only a few Spanish words/phrases I know.  I learned a couple choice words out of drunken necessity during a college trip to Cancun; the rest come from Dora the Explorer.  You'd probably never get those two lists confused, unless there's an episode where Dora and Boots really, really  need to use a restroom and can't get a Mexican bus to let them off.
  2. My greatest regret from childhood is never learning how to do a cartwheel.
  3. I have an inexplicable fear of gummy worms.
  4. My feet have stripes, thanks to the perma-tan I got from wearing the same sandals all summer - last  summer.  Why is it that when I want  to keep a tan, it only lasts for two days despite gallons of aloe and verbal encouragement, but my feet remain stubbornly tan-patterned even after hiding in socks for an entire winter and a very expensive exorcism?
  5. I once had a gerbil named Cheese whose tail fell off and left a trail of blood through the interior of my Sesame Street Fold-n-Go Playhouse as he ran around, probably wondering where his tail went.*
  6. If #5 sounds callous, don't worry; I grew up to become an animal lover and was even a zookeeper for a while (they didn't ask about pets during the interview, obviously).  None of the animals' tails fell off at the zoo while I worked there.
  7. My second cousin twice removed is Oprah, but she refuses to acknowledge it or accept my slumber party invitations or share any of her cash money with me.  Pfffft.
Okee-dokee, I think that about covers it.  Thanks again, Emily!  There were, I believe, some other "spread the love, pass it on" kind of rules, but since I so recently showered the blogosphere with award sharing, and also because award sharing gives me the nervous hives, I'm going to gracefully bow out this time.  Unless you really, really want the Beautiful Blogger Award, in which case please feel free to contact me and I'll be happy to have my People review your application.

*In the comments below, my mom is probably going to claim that Cheese's tail fell off because I was afraid to touch him so I always picked him up by the tail, thus weakening his tail infrastructure.  But I didn't want you to know about that, so I left it out.  Oh wait, I mean, she's lying.

Please vote for me anyway - I promise, Cheese was fine!
Apparently gerbils don't even need tails.  He was much better off - right after that he went to live out in the country on a farm... wait, what's that?  What do you mean there was no farm?  Oh... noooooooo!
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24 comments:

  1. All I can say is that it's never too late to learn how to do a cartwheel...and that perhaps the "worm-like" nature of a maimed gerbil tail has something to do with your fear of gummy worms?

    I should be a shrink...

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    1. Abby, if you think it isn't too late for me to do a cartwheel, then you've never seen how bottom-heavy I am. Have you ever seen a Weeble Wobble do gymnastics? You should be a shrink, though - I was lying about the fear of gummy worms, but since you put it in the context of Cheese's tail they do make me kind of nervous now. Instilling new phobias in your patients is really going to keep business booming. :)

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  2. Congrats on the award... Poor Cheese lol!

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    1. Thanks! Poor Cheese, indeed - first I give him a stupid name, and then the tail thing. Awww....

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  3. I also never learned to do a cartwheel. AND I hate gummy everything. Gummy candies gross me out. Probably because I was vegetarian for seven years and the only thing I never went back to was things with gelatin. Gelatin gives me the ooks.

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    1. Gerry sometimes tries to give me the horks by telling my what's in gelatin - I just plug my ears and try not to dry heave.

      Glad to hear I'm not the only non-cartwheeler - I was half afraid somebody from the Mary Lou Retton League would come around and revoke my Girl Card. :)

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  4. Number one kills me...mostly because it gives me flashbacks of the twin's Dora phase and mostly because it makes me want a Corona, but I can't have one because I don't want my baby to be born with some sort of defect, like no sense of humor.

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    1. I might have to put my foot down about Dora with this baby like I did with Barney for the other kids. I hate her and her insipid adventures soooo much.

      And for what it's worth, I don't think any kid of yours is in danger of being born without a sense of humor. ;)

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  5. Way to go adding another feather in your cap. Congrats!
    I probably know the exact same Spanish phrases as you and the permatan where you don't want one thing sucks. I am blindingly white except for the slightly less blinding tops of my feet around my flip flops. Even tanning booths can't save me. Ah well...

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    1. Thanks! As for the tan thing, I'm pretty sure I must've been Frankensteined together from lots of different people because certain parts of me (face, arms, back) tan really easily even when I'm locked in a basement in Antarctica, and other parts (legs, stomach) wouldn't tan if I spent a year on the surface of the sun. Then there are my feet, which apparently like a little of both. I think my mom has a lot of explaining to do, genetics-wise.

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  6. Oh man there isn't a day that goes buy that I'm not thankful I can do a cartwheel. You really should learn to do one. I don't want to over sell it but it will change your entire perspective on life.

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    1. I bet you're doing a cartwheel right now, aren't you? Show-off.

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  7. i bet you $3 that Oprah can't do a cartwheel either which is just further proof that y'all are related. I bet Gail is getting to her mail before Oprah can read it. If Gail has a tail you should probably rip it off.

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    1. Now that you mention it, I've never *seen* Oprah do a cartwheel, so I bet you're right. And everybody knows cartwheels are genetic - I'll point this fact out to her in my next letter. I don't think Gail is getting the letters, either, because I usually sneak into O's house and slide them under her pillow or slip them into her purse when I borrow her credit cards. Come to think of it, I guess I can kind of understand the restraining order.

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  8. Some of my favorite memories from childhood were trying to teach the cousins that couldn't do cartwheels how to do them...so maybe your regret was someone else's hilarity so a good memory came out of it nonetheless

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    1. Are you offering to teach me how to do cartwheels? I accept! You may laugh at me if you need to (and you will).

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  9. I've always wished I had learned how to do a cartwheel too. I don't think I'll try to learn now. My shirt would end up at my neck and anyone watching would be scarred for life by the sight.

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    1. If I ever revert to childhood and try to learn how to do cartwheels, I won't have to worry about my shirt because I'll go retro with the clothes, too - do you think they make hot pink terrycloth short-alls in my size?

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  10. Weakened tail infrastructure. Lulz!

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  11. You were a zoo keeper once?
    Hmmm...learn something new about you every day.
    I need proof though.
    Do you have a picture?
    No photoshops allowed :)

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    1. Ha! No, there were no pictures, and I'll tell you part of the reason - I did stupid and gross stuff that I didn't want on film. I let a cockroach escape (it was part of a show) and it got eaten by a roadrunner. I fell off a trolley. I played the part of Mrs. Dingleberry, an inept camper, in a daily show. I had to give a goat-milking demonstration. I fell off a horse. I had to unclog a poop drain with my bare hand. I could go on, but you can see why I would discourage photography. ;)

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  12. My grandma used to have a parrot when we were little. My brother pulled it's tail feather out and then tried to "put it back." Poor animals dealing with kid's antics. Sorry to hear about cheese. :)

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    1. Aww, poor bird (though I had to laugh a teeny bit - I love how kids think). Wouldn't it be nice if things in the grown-up world really were that easy to fix?!?

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