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Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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Friday, May 11, 2012

Brain Clutter Is Clogging Up My Mother's Day Wishes

Here it is, the Friday before Mother's Day weekend, and I should be writing a post about how incredible my mom is, and about how lucky I am to be one of the few women who loves her mother-in-law dearly.  But I'm having trouble.  Certainly not because those things aren't true - they're absolutely  true - so you'd think a post about it would practically write itself!  But I keep checking my blog, and - alas - no such magically self-written post appears.

Part of the problem could be that the Sincerity Cortex in my brain is damaged, which causes my fingers to get all fidgety and non-typey when they aren't allowed to be sarcastic.  I can get pretty sappy sometimes, but generally when I'm in the middle of saying something all sweet and thoughtful, my mouth will go rogue and spout off a stupid joke or an inappropriate comment.  That's because my mouth's main goal in life is to Ruin the Moment.
It's one of my more endearing qualities.
Another problem I seem to be having is that very few coherent thoughts are escaping my brain, due to the insane amount of clutter up there.  Any decent ideas that might be trying to germinate are trapped under musty cardboard boxes full of half-baked blog ideas, or behind heaping piles of mental notes about the kids' end-of-the-year research projects.  I picture my brain sort of like an episode of Hoarders: Buried Alive.
I added a link to TLC's web page there, as if you don't watch the show.  You know you've seen it!   It's like a train wreck - you can't look away when you're flipping through the channels and suddenly you see someone clambering over piles of mail-order Precious Moments commemorative plates so high they have to use spelunking gear.
 Anyway, here's an artist's rendering of what it looks like inside my head.


It's a mess, right?

So here's the deal.  Today I'm going to unload some of my Brain Clutter on you - think of it as a self-imposed hoarding intervention.  Hopefully this will clear the way for some A-1 top-quality blog content to come pouring out in the near future.
  • I can't tell Maddie and Zoe's clothes apart when I'm folding the laundry.  Does this mean I have a tiny 7-year-old, or a gigantic baby?
  • I need to think of a good come-back for that time I was on facebook and Gerry told me to update my status to "bossy."  I also need to think of an excuse for why it took me three weeks to think of a come-back.
  • Why does autocorrect assume it knows what I'm trying to say after I type one letter half the time, but I have to get all the way to the "s" before it guesses that I'm trying to type "apocalypse"?  How many other words could I have been going for???  Apocalypso (the end of Caribbean music)?  Apocalisthenics (the end of jumping jacks)?  Apocalista Flockhart (the end of Ally McBeal)?
  • I will know the exact day that I've Made It Big-Time, and that will be the day I throw out all of my mismatched Tupperware.
  • Note to self: Since I'm never going to use the desktop computer from the other side of the room, attempt to hook up the regular mouse so I can stop feeding this wireless mouse its expensive, constant diet of AA batteries.
  • Zoe ripped a hole in the knee of yet another pair of pants - I need to patch those, and while I'm at it I should sew up the bottom of my winter coat pocket so, come November, I don't forget and stick my keys in there and lose them (again).
  • Work this phrase into an argument: "For your sake, I hope you fight better than you shut up."  See if it sounds as cool out loud as it does in my head.
  • I need to start working out - I'm now so old I can sustain serious injury from not  moving
  • I want to invent bite-sized PopTart Nuggets, except they'd be so small that they'd be all crust and no filling, and the crust is the only part no one wants to eat.  Mental note: write a letter to Science asking them to research a solution to this problem.

Okay, that's a pretty good start - I think I feel better.  Can you believe all that garbage was lodged up there?  Thanks for helping me dredge out the hairball in my brain drain, or insert another, less disgusting metaphor of your own invention.  Please tune in next time, when I might even write a little something about how awesomely terrific my Mom and MIL are, even though Mother's Day will be a distant memory by then and everyone will be thinking, How passé, appreciating our mothers is SO last week.

Hey, I just used the word passé - I think the intervention might be working.


Please click below to vote while I continue to regain brain function and get even more smarterer.  Clearly I still have a lot of work to do.
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33 comments:

  1. I can only guess that that's what my brain looks at too. Except I've listened to Bon Jovi recently.

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    1. As the only two people on Earth who spell Robyn with a 'y' and admit to listening to Bon Jovi, I can only assume we are the same person. Stick around, I might need to borrow your liver. ;)

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    2. Considering my husband's name is Jerry, you may have a point. I'll see what I can do about the liver, but I'm not sure it would be helpful.

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  2. Keeping with the theme of Pop Tarts:

    Apocalop Tart - When you come to the end of your Pop Tart.

    Hey these are fun!

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    1. That's it, you're in charge of naming all the products I invent. You'll love the job - there are no benefits, but at least the pay is terrible. Now we just need a catchy slogan...

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  3. it's really fun to say Apocalop Tart...if you put the icing all the way around the pop tart bites you might have a winner

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    1. You bet it's fun, and that's why they're going to sell like hot cakes! Like bite-sized, dry, mostly-crust hot cakes - with icing (I think you're right, the icing might just solve all our problems - well, maybe not all of them). ;)

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  4. I love it! I too have the Ruin the Moment quality. I can't remember the last time I didn't laugh immediately before, during, or after sex.
    My BFF from college always said she was "medically addicted to Pot Tarts," and I think of that phrase every day when I eat 2 bowls of Life cereal. These breakfast foods can be a real pain in the butt.

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    1. Before, during, and after?!?!? Bwahaha!

      "Medically addicted" could describe my relationship with a whole host of things, including many breakfast items. I have an odd attachment to Golden Grahams because I once won a Golden Grahams watch in a Specially Marked Package. I believe that was about 25 years ago, so I'm not sure how many more years of loyalty I owe them for their stupid piece of plastic junk.

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  5. Hey, your brain may be cluttered but at least you *have* some ideas. I'm pretty sure that if you put your ear up to my ear, you'd hear the ocean.

    Also, I believe in icing too.

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    1. Maybe so, but people love the ocean! Not nearly as many people like my ideas.

      On a related note, I just decided that my new life goal is to be as popular as the ocean.

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  6. Are you sure we're not long lost sisters? I feel like that was an exact diagram of my brain, down to the "birthdays of people I'm not friends with". Hyyyyyysterical. Sharing!

    I too have a problem being serious when I write, or talk, or think...I shall look into this probably never.

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    1. Thanks so much, funny lady! I'd totally be your long lost sister, especially if I get to borrow your minivan. ;)

      I agree 100% with your decision to most likely probably never try to be more serious. Being serious sounds boring (and by boring, of course I mean mature).

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  7. Double hilarious - first the brain diagram. The PMS cortex looks appropriately sized to me, but the food fantasies might need a little more brain - at least in my brain they do. Then the list! Had one of those mice(?) and the keyboard that went with it. Don't have either anymore. You do mending? Because I just leave that shit in the mending basket until the person it belongs to outgrows it.

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    1. Thanks - I'm glad you can relate to the diagram! I'm sure it's just a matter of time before we see it in textbooks across the country.

      And for the record, I don't do mending, I just have a list of things I need to mend but never will. And I don't leave the stuff in a mending basket, I toss it on the floor of the dining room closet because yes, we have a closet in our dining room for some reason. I do love your plan of waiting for the kids to outgrow the stuff - if I'm going to pull that off, I'd better stop having kids. This poor baby is going to inherit a huge pile of holey hand-me-downs. :)

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  8. What a great graphic! I can SO relate to this!

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    1. Thanks - I'm glad I'm not the only one with such a messy brain! ;)

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  9. Mine's the same except my visions of Bon jovi are of him in leather pants...which leads to another part of my brain...hee hee.
    I'm glad that you did some brain spring cleaning

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    1. Ha! Leather pants always make me think of excessive leg sweat, which is rarely terribly sexy. ;) Yikes, though, I better fix my graphic to include that "other" part of my brain, or Gerry isn't going to be happy!!!

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  10. Tell Gerry that you'll update your status to bossy when he updates his to milk toast and just hold onto that little nugget until the argument comes up again because if you're like us, it never truly dies.
    I love that I'm not the only one who never mends.
    Mini pop tarts sound intriguing. I have experience as a guinea pig and would be willing to lend my services.

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    1. Hahaha - no doubt, some arguments never die. I'm sure he was joking (he had better have been joking) but I just can't STAND it when I don't have some zinger to toss back his way.

      Experience as a guinea pig, eh? ::scribbles on clipboard:: Interesting... I have some prototypes you could try. Well, actually I just cut up regular PopTarts and I plan on sewing up the edges to make minis. They're on my mending pile right now...

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  11. Cool graphic! Don't worry about telling the clothes apart- I can't tell my 2 apart and they are a boy and girl when they are being watched-lol! Mommy brain. Come link up to my laughs if you like. I hope you have a fantastic MOTHERS DAY!

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    1. Thanks, I feel better. :) I did link up - and I hope YOU have a great Mother's Day too!

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  12. That's what's wrong with me! My sincerity cortex is broken! This explains so much.

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    1. It's an all-too-common problem amongst awesome people. Sigh. Being awesome can sometimes be such a terrible burden to bear.

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  13. I try not to look at my brain, but loved the image! Very funny!

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    1. Thanks so much! I've never really looked at my brain either, due to my eyeballs' rather inconvenient orientation anti-brainward, but this is what I imagine it looks like before I start to get nervous that thinking about thinking about how I think might cause some sort of a rip in the space-time continuum, or at least give me a slight headache. :)

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  14. Ha! I loved this! My brain sort of looks the same with the Bon Jovi lyrics and birthdays of people I never talk to anymore. I hope you can work that phrase, "I hope you fight better than you shut up" in somewhere because it is GOOD. Also, I laughed out loud at the Facebook part and imagining you updating your status to bossy. Ha!

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    1. I'm seriously considering picking a fight with someone just so I can use that "I hope you fight better than you shut up line," except that I'll have to make sure my husband's there to back me up because I bet I'd run away screaming like a little girl. ;)

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  15. ::raises hand:: New reader here! I expressly came over here [& quite circuitously, too] to find this brain graphic, because I saw it on Clay Baboon's "Purveyors of Awesome" post as a thumbnail & could only read "PMS Cortex," so I knew the rest of it must be good! I'd gone to Clay Baboon's site because I saw Stephanie's stupendous clay illustration of her anti-CAPTCHA post in the margin of "It's MY mind!" "Dirty House Friends" post, to which I'd been linked by "Blather by Bubbe"! ...that lived in the house that Jack built... So, oy, I'ma really have to add more blog-reading time to my Crushingly Oppressive To-Do List
    I love this brain map! Altho, in my case, I can't even remember the birthdays of people I AM still friends with! Nor, for that matter, sometimes even of family, now that my brain has ceded that to Facebook's remindery. The COTDL area is a favorite, tho I've also got a crushingly oppressive number of paper copies scattered strategically around the apartment, with a notepad & pen at bedside because sometimes my COTDLA formulates new ones that won't let me sleep.
    Meanwhile, must head to kitchen, have mysterious craving for pop-tarts...

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    1. Don't look now, but we might be the same person. I'm constantly condensing multiple hand-written COTDLs, but there are always other notes scribbled on post-its, notepad-on-the-fridge reminders, iPhone lists, mysteriously abbreviated items penned on the corners of junk mail envelopes... It never ends, and the fact that I never do any of it doesn't help.
      I'm so glad you went to the trouble to wind your way through the interwebs and find HTV! So happy to have you here - I hope you don't have to go over the river and through the woods to visit again. :)

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    2. Hope so too; I've subscribed & 'liked' HTV on Facebook! But your nice Memorial Day post hasn't shown up in my email box, so I hope that just means that there's a bit of a lag time. I, too, have these variously sized pieces of paper, post-its, scribblings on whatever I could find next to the computer [because the note pads keep wandering off...] about things I want to look up, or stats or quotes that intrigue me, or CPSC recall brands I have to check my house for... OCD and ADD don't go well together!

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    3. Ha - I wouldn't think so! :) Thanks for liking and subscribing - thrilled to have you! I think there is a lag on the email thing; I believe the system checks in the morning for anything posted the previous day, but then again don't ever trust anything I say about computers...

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