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Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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Bloggers, Watch Your Backs

I just realized that sounds sort of ominous.  Sorry, I know how intimidating I can be, and I certainly didn't intend for you to feel threatened.

I actually mean, quite literally, to look out behind you.  And I mean "literally" in the literal sense, not in the irritating way people use it to add unnecessary emphasis to whatever they're saying, as in, "I am literally  going to starve to death" when really all they mean is they haven't eaten since lunch, which was two hours ago and consisted of four sticks of butter and half a mutton.  No, I mean it as in, "I am literally  going to start punching throats if people don't stop using 'literally' wrong."  Because I am.  Literally.

Anyway, I'm reminding bloggers to watch their backs because, when oriented toward our computers, we are not  easily distracted creatures.  While immersed in the Creative Process (e.g. refreshing our Twitter feed and stalking other bloggers), it's possible for the entire room we're sitting in to be engulfed in flames without it interfering too much with our busy click-clacking on the keyboard.  Personally, I'd probably barely glance up from the screen while asking my husband to turn up the air conditioning, never mind the fact that he may or may not even be home at the time.

So it should have been no surprise to me when I roused myself from a Blog Fog, turned around in my computer chair (which is conveniently located in the nursery), and found this scene directly behind me.

What you can't see in this picture is that
she was wiping her nose on each article of clothing
as she removed it from the drawer.  Perfect.

I wish I could say this was the first time I'd allowed such a thing to happen.

That must've taken quite a while to clean up,  you must be thinking, unless you're a regular reader here at HTV, in which case you probably know that instead of cleaning it up I took some more pictures.


"If you're just going to stand there taking pictures,
I'm gonna go ahead and start unstacking
all these sheets and blankets."

That part was okay with me; I don't even know why we have little tiny crib sheets all folded up in there in the first place, since she's never once slept in her crib for more than 15 minutes.
Listen to me, pretending like I'd change the sheets even if she did sleep in her crib.  Who am I, Martha Stewart?  Please - I'm not even completely convinced Martha Stewart is real.
But that's where I had to draw the line.  No, I didn't pick everything up - that would be such a waste of time, and plus sometimes I can get in a few more minutes of blogging while she frolics gleefully in the piles of clothes.

Instead, being the Super Ingenious Smart and Resourceful Mother that I am, I jammed an economy-sized box of diapers against the drawers to keep her from opening them and doing more damage.  It also had the added benefit of blocking her favorite path behind my chair, which leads to the snake pit of computer wires and overladen power strips that reside next to the dresser.
Yes, I said this was in the nursery.  What?  I ordered the whole room from the Pottery Barn Kids "Death Trap and Electrocution Hazard" collection.  It's adorable.
My plan would have been flawless and, as intended, stem the onrushing tide of clothes that now need to be washed due to the fact that they've been used as Kleenex, except that I overlooked one small detail.


Oh yeah, Maddie likes to play with diapers, too.

So now the nursery floor looks like an English trifle, but way less delicious because instead of sponge cake and custard, its layers are composed of dirty clothes and clean diapers.  Which I guess is better than clean clothes and dirty diapers, but still.

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33 comments:

  1. What a coincidence, I think my house is on fire right now, but I wanted to get this comment published before I evacuate.

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    1. Believe me, if my house were on fire I'd be the last to know. I truly appreciate your comment dedication, though - I'll send some flowers to the burn ward.

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  2. "Yes, I said this was in the nursery. What? I ordered the whole room from the Pottery Barn Kids "Death Trap and Electrocution Hazard" collection. It's adorable."

    Hahahahahahahahhahahahahaha....I think I about peed myself.

    Hands down favorite line of the day. Btw, I love your baby. She is the cutest thing ever! ...my kids are just okay because they're busy ripping Styrofoam cups apart while I also ignore them for the blogosphere.

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    1. Thanks! In the future, I'm going to attempt to make sure she's wearing pants before I start snapping pictures that I intend to put up on the old blog, though. :)

      FYI, there might be some sort of psychic connection going on here, because our children are simultanously destroying our homes AND you left this comment at the same time I was commenting on your guest post at Piper Bayard (which is hilarious and people should read it at http://piperbayard.wordpress.com/2012/05/14/of-goop-and-gwyneth/). If you also have a cat horking up a furball by your foot right now, I'm gonna be so freaked out.

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    2. Pffft. Pants are for losers.

      I'm not in the cat club with you guys, but my dog just barked like a total asshole at the neighbor. Which I'm ok with because my neighbor is actually a total asshole.

      I'm going to go turn the overflowing sink off now.

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    3. Ha! I want a "Pants are for losers" magnet for my fridge. Or a tattoo - wouldn't that be classy?!?!

      Crap - I forgot to check the sink! ::running::

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  3. Hahaha! Pretty much, yeah. I emerge from my internet fog sometime in the afternoon and look around at the destruction of my house. Then I shake my head and contemplate just moving and starting over. Sigh...

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    1. Yes - moving to a new house is generally agreed to be the third most hated activity in the world, right after watching a poorly produced grade-school holiday musical in a sweltering gymnasium and holding your kid down to get shots at the pediatrician. But sometimes I consider it, just to avoid the mess. :)

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  4. Hahahaha! I don't have kids yet, so I mostly just ignore my husband/cats/dental hygeine/dirty dishes while I blog and blog stalk. Oh, I also ignore my job, which is what I'm doing right now! Luckily no one here wears diapers (that I'm aware of).

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    1. Too funny! I'm not sure if it would be better or worse to know about it if they DID wear diapers - I think probably knowing would be worse. That'd indicate some serious boundary issues.

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  5. I have the solution. We line all the bloggers in the world up so their monitors face the back of the person in front of them so they can simultaneously watch their blogs and the back of the person in front of them. It will of course have to be in a giant circle so the first person can watch the back of the last person. Problem solved.
    Now here's the tough question; Are you going to wash all those clothes Maddie rubbed her nose on? Or will the kids wear them to boost their immune system and save the environment from excess clothes washing?

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    1. I like your Bloggers 'Round the World idea; the only problem would be that snarking with fellow bloggers might be the only thing that COULD distract me. It'd be pretty hard not to turn to the person watching my back to whisper, "Hey, refresh your feed - I just send you a tweet!" :)

      And the answer is... no, I most certainly did not wash the clothes (eh, her nose isn't really runny, so at worst we're looking at one, maybe two errant boogies somewhere in the pile). PLus they're all her clothes, so I'm gonna pretend like not washing them is "teaching her a lesson."

      Bonus information... I didn't fold them, either. They used to be neatly folded and organized, but now she's just going to wear whatever I randomly pull out of the tangle in the drawer, even if it's two shirts and a hat.

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  6. Very cute!

    I must agree with you there. When I find myself extremely inspired to write, I don't notice what is going on around me and suddenly it is 3AM and I haven't eaten anything in five hours, and I am LITERALLY starving.

    That being said, there are other times when I desperately want to write, but find myself distracted by everything around me and just... can't.... write... anything...

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    1. You're so right about that dichotomy; you're either wholly absorbed or can't focus at all. I'd much rather lose track of time, of course - it's such a satisfying feeling to be so inspired and really get the sense that you've expressed your ideas fully. It just doesn't always work that well with a baby in the room. :) Maybe I should feel lucky, then, that I'm having a distracted-can't-write day (or maybe it's the baby that should feel lucky)...

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  7. If my kids are quietly occupied while I'm on the computer, I run and check for pulses and fire.

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    1. HAhaha! Too true! Ugh, that sinking feeling when you're enjoying the quiet and then suddenly realize OHMYGOD IT'S QUIET!!!!!

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  8. I've read that baby snot on your clothes can literally bring you good luck. Looks like you'll be set for a while.

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    1. I literally will be set for a while if that's the case - I always have literally a ton of snot on me at any given time.

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  9. Hahaha, I love it. Maybe she will be an interior designer when she grows up. She has an eye for re-arranging. And I love the "blog fog" term.

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    1. "She has an eye for re-arranging" is the nicest way I've ever heard someone say, "Your child appears to be destroying your home." :) Well, it'd be fine with me if she decided to parlay that into a career - whatever allows her to support me in my old age.

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  10. One time, while in my blogging coma, my son ran off with my cell phone and gave it a bath in the dogs water dish....can you say "I need attention" issues?
    Jeesh.
    Kids.

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    1. Nooooooo - I'm going to have nightmares about something terrible befalling my phone! Also, I'm glad my kids don't read this, because I don't need them getting any ideas about how to get my attention. :)

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  11. I was in that blogging mode tonight and I found Zane with his hand twirling around the toilet bowl. Lovely!

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    1. Oh. My. Gawd. I think you might win the award for Child Who Found The Grossest Thing To Do While Mommy Was Blogging! The prize is a bottle of Lysol and a pair of rubber gloves (and that's just to clean Zane)! ;)

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  12. That is very cute. You are calm. How you were able to be so calm and taking pictures?
    Yes, watch your back for sure.

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    1. I believe the calm comes from a combination of really, really wanting her to remain entertained at all costs, mixed with the fact that she's my third baby so at this point I'll let them juggle flaming knives if it keeps them occupied for 5 minutes.

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  13. Great post! Your daughter is adorable and I love how you ummmm give (?) her the freedom to explore lol...

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    1. Thanks! I LOVE how you spun lazy parenting into me giving her "the freedom to explore!" Ha! When Child Protective Services stops by to check on the neglect situation, that's what I'll tell them. :)

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  14. I happen upon scenes like that a lot too! These kids are trouble, I tell ya!

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    1. I know! If it weren't for these kids, it'd be a lot easier to blog about these kids.

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  15. If I try to get something done on the computer while I am with my son, he is always on my lap with me. If he manages to be independent for a few minutes, I start geting suspicious. It usually means he is drawing a mural on a wall somewhere in the house!

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    1. It's a double-edged sword, isn't it? We can't get anything done with them hanging off of us, but we can't get anything done if they run off and "decorate" the house, either!

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