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Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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You're In For A Real Treat

That's right, the title says it all.  Prepare yourselves to be entertained beyond your wildest dreams.

Or not.  I'm not sure yet, because I haven't decided what I'm going to write about.

Is it premature to start typing before you have any idea what you're going to say?  Perhaps.

I blame the fever, which came from nowhere two nights ago and settled over my brain like a thick, feverish thing that obscures thoughts.  It also seems to be heavily influencing the function of my Metaphor Cortex.

I spent the night all shivery and hot (Note To Stupid Body: It isn't cold in here. Shaking uncontrollably and chattering our teeth isn't doing us any good.  In related news, you're an idiot.) enjoying myself some fitful Fever Dreams.  You know the ones - the dreams that, even by whacked-out dream standards, make you wonder if possibly you dropped some acid when you weren't looking.
For example, I dreamed up this really great business idea, wherein bereaved folks who find themselves too upset to delete their dearly departed loved ones' emails and computer files could just send them to me.  Then I  would delete them, since I'm not all emotionally involved, and in return I would send them an Email and Computer File Digital Urn (patent pending) that I'd created in Photoshop.  You know, to hold the ashes of the deleted files, and to help ease the pain.  And to display on the mantle.  "Grandma  always did love her Word documents."  ::dabs tear with tissue::

This is a perfect example of a graphic that makes no sense
outside the context of this post.
Granted, the odds that it makes sense in any  context are sketchy at best.
At some point yesterday I actually thought this was an honest-to-goodness cash cow of an idea.  So you can see why a fevered person might start to think they were going insane, or worse yet  that they'd always been insane but didn't know it yet, because why the hell else would you think of something like that???

I mean, it is crazy, right?  Because when this fever goes away (optimistic), if I find out somebody stole that idea and turned it into a multi-billion dollar industry I'm gonna be really mad.  If I remember.

Um, where was I?  It's hard to concentrate when you have a fever, especially when the baby is stuck in the curtains.  Don't worry, she's okay.  Wait...  Yeah, I'm pretty sure she's okay.

Which reminds me, the other thing I like to do when I have a fever, besides think of ways I can become independently wealthy, is scar my children for life.  So when I came downstairs after taking an afternoon nap, during which my body attempted to spontaneously combust, I announced to my kids that I was hungry because I'd only had three Oreos for lunch.

Non-Fever Me would be concerned that this set a bad example, or at least that it might set off a series of whiny requests for Oreos.  Fever Me doesn't care about such things.

Jake, showing obvious concern due to my vacant Thousand Yard Fever Stare, tried to make me feel better by telling me that he'd looked it up on the internet and read that Oreos have vegetables in them.  My first thought, of course, was Innerwebs, I love you.   But then some small measure of reason came back and I had to regretfully inform him that "vegetable oil" does not generally count as a vegetable.  Then he said that the next ingredient was "sugarated sugar," which struck me as so funny that I was launched out of my catatonic state by a fit of maniacal laughter.

The children backed away slowly, and ever since then they've been treating me very delicately, like I'm the last character in a movie to be informed that I was recently diagnosed with a rather serious mental condition.

I kind of like it.


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my mom is coming over to watch the baby, and I'm willing to bet she'll have upwards of a 100% success rate at keeping Maddie out of the curtains.
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7 comments:

  1. Go back to bed! And when you wake up you'll realize that your computer deletion idea will sell better if you also offer to go on all social media sites that person subscribed to and break the news to all the deceased "friends". Get better soon!

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  2. I had a fever a few weeks ago and came up with an iPhone app idea that I was sure would be the next big thing.

    Unfortunately all I can remember was that it involved throwing stuff into a river. I'm still trying to piece it together.

    But you just wait, it's going to be huge.

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  3. @justkeepswimming, I think you're on to something there - I'll call it... Death Tweets! Deceased Book! Grave Announcements! Eh, getting closer, I'll think about it more when the fever fog lifts. Good idea, though - I'll cut you in on the (sure to be sizable) profits.

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  4. @christian I can't tell you how many times I've needed my phone's assistance when chucking something into a body of water, but it refuses to help because usually the thing I want to chuck is my phone. When you're looking for investors, I'm your gal.

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  5. ashes to trashes? demising your plots? you've urned it?

    i know, that junk is lame. i'm working on it.

    i think it would go well as an add-on to the memories app i told you about last year... probably while i was suffering some malady myself.

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  6. Funny! I cleaned my house in my dreams the last time I had a fever. Then I woke up and realized all the sweaty work was really just me sweating and feeling ill and other than that I had not accomplished the miraculous cleaning that my dream led me to believe had taken place!
    Jennifer
    http://www.practicallyperfectprincess.com/

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  7. @Jennifer, what a let down! I think Fever Karma owes you a visit from Merry Maids!

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