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Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Our Unintentional Indoor Pool

Don't be jealous, but we just got an Indoor Pool.  It was a quick and easy installation; we put it right between the Sculpture Garden and our Personal Gym.  We hardly even noticed it was there until construction was complete and it was ready for us to wade right in.*
*This is all 100% true if you replace "Sculpture Garden" with "Stack of Damp Boxes," "Personal Gym" with "Elliptical Machine That I Never Use Anymore," and "Indoor Pool" with "Flooding Caused By Backed-Up Drain In the Basement Floor."
I was alerted to the issue when my husband went down to check on the laundry and I heard indistinct, muffled curse words drifting upstairs through the ductwork, followed by the unmistakable shriek of the wet/dry vac.

I don't know anything about plumbing, but I believe it's a good sign that the water was at least clean and sudsy and not... the other kind.  Nevertheless, because of the lack of drainage we had to seriously curtail our water usage all weekend.  Sudsy or not, we didn't need our used shower backwash swishing around on the floor, ruining a bunch of junk that's been down there since we moved in and rusting out the bottom of the water heater.

I'm fully aware that some people may have had their own water issues to deal with lately, such as having no water at all like my mom (thanks to a busted water main) or Botswana (thanks to its unfortunate location in the Kalahari Desert).  However, while I feel for these people, I would contend that my situation was just a teeny bit worse because they didn't have children that suddenly seemed filthy and needed now-impossible baths, nor did they need to call a plumber.
Before I continue, to all you plumbers out there I'd like to send out a heartfelt, "Thank you," from all of us who enjoy the undeniable convenience of hot and cold running plumbing.
I would also like to point out (as politely as possible) that after you fix the plumbing problem, I don't need to know which Drain Valve you used to fix it, and that you used the more expensive Drain Valve because you didn't have the cheaper one on the truck.  Of course you didn't.  In my experience, you guys never ever  have the cheaper parts on the truck.  Which doesn't matter, because you know as well as I do that I couldn't tell the expensive Drain Valve from the undercarriage of a La-Z-Boy recliner, not even if you set them both side-by-side on my dining room table and gave a two-hour PowerPoint presentation explaining the difference.  You could've kept your Drain Valve and stuffed our pipes full of Flesh Eating Anthrax and the souls of a thousand murdered unicorns, and as long as water didn't build up on the floor of my basement, I'd never know the difference.

I would also like to, as politely as possible, ask, Is there maybe some way you could make yourselves a little less freaky to those of us who are here alone with a baby and have to let you in our houses even though our upper body strength leaves something to be desired and we have trouble fully concealing a stun gun in the waistband of our yoga pants?

I say this only because the guy who showed up at our door to fix the drain was all gigantic and sported some Pirates Of The Caribbean/Hulk Hogan Riding a Harley-inspired facial hair.  Oh yeah, not to mention the casual small talk he made while he called in my credit card number, which included a longish story about that time he threw his daughter around by the throat on her birthday.  On a less threatening but possibly very gross note, he also had something caked on his shoes and pants up to mid-calf from his last job (please let it be mud, oh please let it be mud).   But actually he was very nice and, to his credit, didn't try to hug me like my mom's weirdo plumber tries to do with her.  Plus, after digging around in my basement drain bare-fisted and snaking it out (or whatever the term is), he offered me his pen to sign the receipt even though (in his words) his hands were "kinda dirty."  Which I thought was pretty polite.

Anyway, my point (if I have one) is that even though he looked and sounded and acted and smelled scary, he didn't end up bonking me over the head with a length of pipe or locking me in his crawlspace - perhaps only because his employer knew where his appointment was, which makes it tough to come up with a believable alibi, but whatever gets the job done.  I'm alive, and (more importantly) we have full-on water now, so I'm happy.  But I still haven't given the kids a bath.

Three cheers for indoor plumbing!  And for not getting shivved by your plumber!
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11 comments:

  1. I remember one time arriving home to see water running out from under my front door.

    When I opened it, the foyer (trust me it wasn't that fancy I just don't know what else to call it) which was a step down from the rest of the house was ankle deep in water. And cat turds - because the cat box got flooded too.

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  2. Wow, you really *don't* know anything about plumbing!

    The souls of murdered unicorns are very damaging to plumbing thingies. Or was it plum trees? Nevermind.

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  3. @Vanessa, here's the play-by-play of me reading your comment:

    Uh oh... aww man. Snicker. Aww man, that sucks!

    And then we came to "cat turds," which caused Crystal Light raspberry tea to exit my nostrils.

    ::bows dramatically::

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  4. @Tumbleweed, do you mean plum trees are bad for plumbing, or that unicorn souls are bad for plum trees? Because I don't know anything about plumbing OR gardening. Or souls.

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  5. you know plenty about souls. you coddle and cuddle and canoodle mine all the time.

    i love how he neglected to mention the "more expensive drain valve" business to me on the phone.

    is it weird that we converse through your blog? i'm glad to see a new post, as i was completely destroyed when you didn't post on tuesday. :P

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  6. @ThirdParty, he didn't mention it to you because he somehow sensed that your facial hair is even more intimidating than his.

    I love that we converse through the blog while you're at work! It's probably a little weird when we do it while we're sitting together on the couch, but whuttevuh, I still love it. ;)

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  7. Why don't service men ever look like they do in the movies. You know, those movies that I've never seen before and you probably haven't either but I've heard rumours of movies with service men in them that have 'ahem' talents and are open to alternate payment plans when you don't have any cash on hand and probably don't look like they'd like to frame your head in a shadow box in his dungeon slash basement.

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  8. @JenO, I haven't seen those movies either but I thought the only Service Men they used were there to fix the copier or deliver pizza...?

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  9. Oh god I had a creeper come fix my oven. He was all "Do you want to wash behind the stove now while I have it out? I can wait"
    Ummm no. I'll leave the reminents of hell and grease back there.
    Water is no joking matter.
    Eeks

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    Replies
    1. What the hey - I never saw this comment back in April! Dang computers.

      Anyway... They do always offer to let you clean behind stuff, which always makes me feel some mixture of offended (oh sure, I can tell YOUR standards of cleanliness are so high) and perplexed (you've seen the rest of the house - what makes you think I clean stuff?). ;)

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  10. Great article, thank you very much for sharing this and I'm sure that you'll know when to change it.

    ReplyDelete

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