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Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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Oh S---, My Kids Know the S Word!


Yesterday, I was all concerned about my son, Jake, figuring out the horrible truth about the Tooth Fairy, namely that the creature who sneaks into his room at night, rummages around under his pillow while he sleeps, and steals his teeth is none other than yours truly.

Actually, when you think about it like that, you'd think kids would be relieved there's no real Tooth Fairy. She sounds creepy.

Anyway, I should have known better than to concern myself with that. I forgot one of the top Rules of Parenting, which is Keep things in perspective, because no matter what you think the problem is, it's about to get worse, stupid.
Your copy of The Rules probably doesn't have the "stupid" part in it - I penciled that in the margin of my copy because I keep forgetting, despite all the smack-in-the-face reminders I always get.
So as I walked my kids to school this morning, trying to convince myself that I did the right thing by perpetuating the Tooth Fairy Lie when my son has clearly outgrown it, we got on the subject of dating (oh good, this is sure to go well). We went from talking about Zoe's first "playdate" planned for this weekend, to me reassuring her that playdates are different from "regular dates," to the concept of "blind dates" as I tried to come up with examples of how many different kids of dates there are. Obviously I had quickly lost control of the conversation.

Zoe:  Did you and Gerry meet on a blind date?
Me:  No, we were friends for lots of years before we went on a date.
Zoe:  Did Daddy meet Cindy [his girlfriend - not her real name] on a blind date?
Jake:  They met at work.
Zoe:  Is that why they aren't married?
Jake:  They probably aren't married because she doesn't want the stress of having a whole family.
I didn't want to touch that topic with a ten-foot pole, so at first I was grateful that Zoe jumped right in at this point - until I heard what she said.
Zoe:  Oh, I bet they aren't married because they have to [giggle]... do that other thing first.
WHAT??????????????????????
Me (overly casual): What?
Zoe:  You know, that thing. It's for boyfriends and girlfriends. It makes kids! It ends with an "x" and starts with an "s"...
Unfortunately, this didn't sound like an exhaustive list of the Facts of Life that she knew; it sounded more like she was giving me hints to help me figure out what she was talking about, in case I really didn't know.
Me:  Is that so? What do you know about it?
Zoe:  We know more than you think.
WHAT??????????????????????
We were nearing our destination, so I only had a few minutes to gently and calmly drill them for information about what they knew, which didn't get far before we got derailed by an argument between the two of them over whether or not Jake was the one who told her about The Birds and The Bees.

That's not the POINT, my brain screamed, as my uterus tried to quickly devise a plan to get them back safely inside where I could still control everything they hear and see.

At this point we were outside the school, and Jake's face was about the color and temperature of lava, so I mustered everything I could remember from my Panicked Parenting 101 class and said something about how there's nothing wrong with the subject and I'm always happy to answer any questions they ever have about it (which, I'm here to tell you, is a big fat lie - oh, I'll answer their questions, but there won't be a cell in my body that's happy about it).

Jake couldn't scuttle into the school fast enough, but Zoe sauntered slowly, giggling and taking about "babies coming out," until I had to call her back to me. I said, "Look, there's nothing wrong with...," please don't make me say this word to my 7 year old daughter, not yet, nooooo...

But she cut in and bailed me out. "I know, I won't say it in class."

Thank you.

So while I was at home fretting about piddly little Baby Stuff like the Tooth Fairy, it seems my kids were out in the Real Word learning all about the dreaded S Word. And to think how upset I would've been if we'd had to have a discussion about the 4-letter S Word, when it turns out the 3-letter one is proving to be much more traumatic. For me, anyway.

Hey, there's some of that perspective I was looking for.

Please click below to vote for me, if for no other reason than out of pity for the conversation I'll be having after school. Jake will probably avoid me for a week, but Zoe's gonna want to talk about it endlessly, if only for an excuse to say "boobies" as much as she wants.
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21 comments:

  1. One of the nice touches to having kids that all have Asperger's Syndrome as that they are like walking reference libraries of information. When I started working up my courage to have a "little talk" with my daughter, she unleashed a polished lecture that began with something to the effect of "Dad, I'm fully aware of the human mating cycle and it's reproductive aspects, you see..." Leaving me to return to my whiskey bottle in peace.

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  2. Oh Lawdy. We've had a lot of those conversations around here lately. I am traumatized to say the least.

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  3. I thought it was going to be the 4 letter $ word not the 3 letter S word! Thanks for the little laugh.

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  4. @TheBlueOrchid, I want to set up a playdate with your kids ASAP! I feel certain your daughter would handle The Talk way better than I'm going to!

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  5. @Delilah, you're not alone in the trauma! If you're having those conversations anyway, maybe I could just send my kids over to your house to eavesdrop for a while...

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  6. @Anna, indeed - I only wish it were the other one. Thanks for coming by!

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  7. oh wow! it does change perspective ha ha 4-letter or 3-letter?

    I don't worry yet.

    www.mamaandthecity.com

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  8. i say we tell them that by the time they're old enough for that that science will have figured out how to make it obsolete, and that they therefore don't need to worry about it and you don't need to tell them about it.

    or we could just tell them the truth. but that's not NEARLY as much fun.

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  9. This post took us step by step through all the shocking awkwardness of these types of revelations for moms and kids alike. I had "the talk" with my 10 year old last year. Now I swear to God, every time I say: "Girls? I need to talk to you," her response is: "Oh mom, you're not going to tell us about VAGINAS again, are you?" !

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  10. @thirdparty, it's up to you - I'm making you do the talks. Didn't you know that already? Hmm, I must've forgotten to mention it. Good luck!

    @Ado, that's sooo funny! Maybe I should try a similar approach - traumatize them so thoroughly with our chat that they're afraid to ever talk to me again. :)

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  11. That little conversation between Zoe and you in funny! Oh the big 3 letter word-lol. Guilty as sin!

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  12. I think I love you.
    Seriously.
    Was that too early?
    I have no idea how to lure a child back into your uterus but that line cracked me up.
    I'm laughing with you...With you...wait...you're not laughing. DOH

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  13. Hm, I've read it three times, still can't figure out what the 3-letter word is. Sax? Sox? Come on, give me a hint!

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  14. @Melody, it's "sux." Damn kids can't spell.

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  15. @Melissa, so I'm not alone! :)

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  16. @Kimberly, I totally stalk you back, so it's cool!

    In one of my classier parenting moments, when all the kids were in the same room being obnoxious, I lifted my leg and announced, "Alright, everybody back in!" They'd probably be horrified, but they were being to loud to notice I was talking (shocker). ;)

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  17. It's a pretty awful truth that I rather they cursed like a sailor than....well you know, like one.

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    1. Hey, if you have to choose... Nobody said parenting would be easy, eh? ;)

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  18. I'm cringing for you and thanking the good Lord the kids are still under three. And when they do grow up, I'm maintaing a large bird dropped them all on my doorstep thankyouverymuch. Good luck, my friend. Good luck.

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    1. The stork = Easter bunny of the adult world. I'm not 100% sure what I mean by that - maybe something about making kids believe our lies? Or that babies are sweet but aren't nearly as delicious as jelly beans? Something like that.

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