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Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Mom's In Her Non-Mom-Jean Jeans

I don't think I'm the only woman who lays claim to several different sets of clothes.


I've been living in yoga pants, sweatshirts, and (for Special Occasions outside the house) my ultra-largest jeans for the better part of a year.  To say that I'm sick of it is a huge understatement.  To say that I'm way too lazy to do something about it, like start exercising or stop eating Rolos by the fistful, is also a huge understatement.

But the other day my frustration with yoga pants finally tipped the scale (no pun intended) and outweighed (so to speak) my fear of not fitting into my pre-pregnancy clothes, so I tried a few things on.  I was delighted to find that the largest pair of jeans that falls within the category of my "real size" clothing actually fit, without me shoehorning my thighs into the leg holes or lying on my back and using a wire hanger to heave the zipper up.

That's not to say that I could comfortably walk in them, or that I could sit down in them without the deflated balloon Mama Belly draping itself over the waistband.  But I could stand up in them, provided I didn't move too much, which was a good start.

This discovery emboldened me to approach the Evil Bathroom Scale, and I was surprised to find that I'm hovering right around my pre-pregnancy weight.  Granted, that weight has relocated to completely different places on my body now and, after three kids, my skin no longer possesses the tensile strength required to at least hold those pounds somewhere near my skeletal structure.  But whatever.  Small victories.

So later that night I shared my news with Gerry, Loving and Supportive Husband Extraordinaire.

"I'm back at my pre-pregnancy weight," I announced.

"Is that right?" he asked, giving me an approving once-over.  "Wow, that didn't even take you a whole year!"

"Har," I scoffed.  "It'll be a year in less than a week, so I'm cutting it pretty close if that was the goal."

"Still, that's awfully impressive," he continued, seemingly with genuine admiration.  "Especially at your age."

Authorities are still searching for the exact location of his remains.


I'm kidding, I didn't really kill him.
But please click below to vote while I go feed him -
I promised I'd bring him a sandwich a couple days ago when I locked him in the basement.
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47 comments:

  1. Something tells me they never will find him!

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  2. Well, I don't have pregnancy clothes, but I do have my "nice" yoga/gym pants and sweatshirts/T-shirts and my "goodlordihopenooneseesmeinthese" yoga/gym pants and sweatshirts/T-shirts. I would live in them if I could, but alas, it was not meant to be. I'm lucky that I can wear jeans to work, but still...the siren song of sweats.

    But congrats! As long as you're healthy and happy, that's all that's important. Your husband, on the other hand...

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  3. I have a Mama Belly too. Only, my babies come in the form of Doritos, Cheetos, and cupcakes.

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  4. Interesting thing after having babies. I'm now shaped like an old man. No butt, all gut. Size 6 lower half, size 12 upper half. Why? WHY???

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  5. @Kristi I'm very good at hiding things - I think we still have some rotting Easter eggs someplace in the house, and even I don't know where they are!

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  6. @Abby, I used to have those categories too, but sadly they've all conglomerated into one yoga/gym pants and sweatshirts/t-shirts lump, which I believe is erring toward the side of what once was the "goodlord..." variety. Luckily my standards tanked at about the same rate that my wardrobe took a dive, so now I don't care WHAT I'm seen in (though I probably should). :)

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  7. @Tumbleweed, this long after my pregnancies, I think my Mama Belly has a lot more to do with Doritos than I admit. Those kids are a convenient excuse, though!

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  8. @Heather, "No butt, all gut" - ha! Why IS it that our bodies, having been shaped a certain way for years, manage to so quickly forget what the human form is supposed to look like? I know, I know, it's a glorious transformation and carrying human life and blah blah blah. Still, so uncool.

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  9. speaking of uncool...

    you know i was kidding about the "at your age" part. loved the chart, though. make a chart of all my categories of clothes next, will ya?

    mew.

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  10. @ThirdParty, I know, I'm sorry.

    ATTN BLOG READERS: He was joking when he said that.

    Which is why I allowed him to live.

    And babe, your chart will be easy b/c you only have 2 categories of clothes: Stuff that's folded in the drawers, and stuff that's draped over the footboard of our bed. ;P

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    1. Bwahaaaa, it must be a dude thing to use the footboard for storing clothes, my husband does this too!

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  11. Oh, where to begin?! How'd you pack so much good stuff into such a brief post?! (BRILLIANT) I totally relate to the deflated balloon belly, the closet categories, the sweet funny husband, etc. Funny how the weight doesn't change all that much but the distribution of it certainly does. Le sigh.

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  12. I have my pants that don't fit. Then I have my pants I just bought that have room to breath because I like them like that. The problem is the pants I just bought keep becoming the pants that don't fit. Why do I keep trying to fill up my comfy pants?

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  13. "my skin no longer possesses the tensile strength required to at least hold those pounds somewhere near my skeletal structure."

    LOL...no truer words were ever spoken. After I had the twins, even when I lost the weight, my stomach didn't want to stick anywhere near my skeletal structure. After this baby, it'll probably just drag under my feet... But that's what duck tape's for.

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  14. Dude, right now, my pants are hanging on by a belt, long shirt and a prayer.
    I have outfits for all sorts of emergencies...mostly for fat-egencies like period time.
    But now I'm like one of those children on the feed the child commercials.
    Or in other words I look like skeletor. Only hotter.
    I pinned this.

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  15. @Iris (or should I say "Leslie?!?") :), Le Sigh indeed! So glad you could relate - well, except for the deflated balloon belly. None of us need that. :)

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  16. @Vanessa, you bring up an interesting point - I could never quite figure out how I ended up with so many sizes, but I think you figured it out for me! My comfy jeans keep becoming my tight jeans, and instead of pulling myself together and making them my baggy jeans again, I just get new jeans. Hmm, a bad plan perhaps, in hindsight...

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  17. @PaigeK, is there anything that crazy tape can't do?

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  18. @Kimberly, oh YOU'LL BE BACK! After your surgery tomorrow you'll eat so many burgers I'll have to mail you a care package of mumus! :)

    And thanks for pinning! :)

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  19. lol at this. I think I have even more categories.

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  20. @Susie, HA! I wouldn't be surprised - there are soooo many categories. After I made this list I started thinking about all the categories I USED to have, like "club clothes" that I was about 15 years too old to get away with wearing, and don't get me started on the short-cropped hoodie sweatshirts! (Which I gave to my daughter - NOTE To SELF: If something looks cute on your 7 year old, there's no excuse for it to be hanging in your own closet!)

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  21. The boys never can quite get the compliments right, can they??? Found you again at finding the funny.

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  22. Hahaha! Why did he have to go and ruin and everything with that? :) I loved your chart. The part about the shoulder pads made me laugh out loud!

    (Thanks for linking up with us over at #findingthefunny!)

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  23. @Sparkling, he was so close!

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  24. @Kelley, I so wish the shoulder pad thing weren't true - why do I keep those?!? I'm like a compulsive clothes hoarder. In an 80s time warp. :)

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  25. hahaha so funny! "shoehorning my thighs" I love that! And, the last line, I will be laughing about that for a while! (came from findingthe funny)

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  26. That is a funny post. I guess, Gerry is still in the basement, willing to say sorry a hundred times.

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  27. @Paula so glad you got a laugh - thanks for being here!

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  28. @Bindhurani I let him out for special occasions, like when the police stop by looking for him.

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  29. This? Is hilarious. My closet has the same contents. I love coming here, Robyn. You tell the best stories and always make me laugh!

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  30. @Julia you're so sweet - thanks! I loooove hearing about it when someone likes the blog (especially when it comes from a writer whose blog I like, too)! :)

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  31. I love you - that's hilarious! You were one of the most clicked links at last week's Finding the Funny party. We're featuring you tomorrow and pinning this for sure!

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  32. @Anna that makes me deliriously happy! Thanks! :)

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  33. oooh - he was so close but them blew it. Men! They should know better to bring up age.

    HAHAHA

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  34. @Debbie, and he's four years older than me! :)

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  35. @Anon I think you're right - the lure of the footboard is irresistible!

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  36. You are killing me with funny. I'm pinning this post. FOR THE GRAPHIC ALONE. And adding you to my blogroll. "You, you've earned it." (Name the movie that quote is from and we will instantly become BFFs.)

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    1. @Nicole, you always know how to make me all smiley and blushy! :) Thank you so much - you made my day!

      (And also, if I can't name the movie, who ya gonna call?)

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  37. Absolutely hilarious!!! I have three kids too, the youngest will be two this summer. Last year at this time I was so happy to be back in my "larger-than-normal-but-not-yet-my-fat-shorts" that I was sure to be back in my "skinny clothes" that I wore the last summer I was not pregnant. I'm still wearing the same shorts I wore last year. I'm sure laying off of the Halloween, Christmas, Valentine's, and Easter candy would have helped but apparently I am not yet that desperate. Anyway, great post (I could obviously totally relate!), I found you on Finding the Funny and will be following you along on your journey!

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    1. HA, I know what you mean about wanting to be in the "skinny clothes" but not quite being motivated enough to scale back the sugar consumption (I wasn't kidding about the Rolos - I was probably eating some when I wrote this post)! Thanks so much for visiting, and for sticking around! :)

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    2. Also - I just realized I followed you on Twitter this morning, via the SITS Girls. What are the odds??? Well, you know what they say, it's a small internet. Wait, nobody says that...

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  38. So funny! I think all moms can relate to this- except for the freakish ones who are wearing their pre-pregnancy jeans to their 6 week checkup. I hear you on the workout clothes becoming the every day clothes. Same goes for pyjamas in my case. The line between clothes and not-clothes can become extremely blurred.

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    1. Extremely blurred - YES. And who are those women who get back in their skinny clothes by the 6-week checkup? I strongly believe they should, by law, be required to wear a fat suit for at least a year, to preserve the general self esteem of the rest of the female population. Until then, I'm going to picture them coming home from the checkup and heaving a huge sigh of relief as they cut themselves out of their prescription-strength Spanx and spread out across the width of the couch. Like the rest of us.

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  39. Hey, if you only locked him in the basement, that's pretty good! I would totally have killed him ;)

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    1. I thought about it, but he promised he was kidding, so I just smacked him around a little. ;)

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