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Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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Mommy's Trying To Poison Me (and other lies my baby tells)

My baby is a very suspicious person.

Oh God, she's blogging about me again.
Somebody make her stop...

Wait, that's poorly worded.  I don't mean that she's  not to be trusted, I mean that she regards me with a certain wariness.  But really only when she's eating.  Because she thinks I'm trying to poison her.
FOR THE RECORD, I am NOT trying to poison my baby.  Let's keep that clear, please.  (And on a totally unrelated note, I'd like to send out a hearty hello to our friends at Child Protective Services, who may or may not be reading.)

'Scuse me, you want me to eat  that?
What is it, a rock?  A Cocker Spaniel?
It's food,  you say?
Umm, no, I don't think so.
But every time I offer her some food, whether it's by hand or on a spoon, she acts like I might be trying to feed her a live piranha carrying chainsaws doused in hot sauce.  She twists her face to the side and pulls her head back, eyeballing my Food Item dubiously with one eyebrow raised before determining whether or not she'll deign to eat it.
If you're wondering, the answer is no, she won't.
Forget about just putting food on her tray in hopes she'll eat it herself.  She'll rarely even acknowledge it's there, unless it happens to be a Gerber Over-Processed Non-Food Food Item, in which case she'll pounce on it like fleas on a monkey.
Which reminds me, I'd like to say hello for our friends at Gerber, too - and if you guys have a spare minute, please feel free to send me a lifetime supply of your cheese-flavored Lil' Crunchies because my baby eats a lot of them and I'm pretty sure I could more easily afford a crack habit, which would probably also be better for her overall health.
I would complain that she ignores my homemade food* in favor of scarfing Yogurt Melts and Infant Pork Rinds, and I'd berate the Gerber Corporation for creating baby food that's made by mixing two parts Artificial Flavors with three parts sodium (sorry to give away your secret recipe, Gerber), except that without them my child would waste away to nothing in a matter of about 15 minutes.
*Disclaimer: I haven't actually made homemade baby food for her since she was two months old.  She wouldn't eat any of it.  I still have a ton in the freezer, if you're interested.
When she's offered a Yogurt Melt or similar Delicious Treat, the first thing she does is check your hands.

I'd better pry your fingers apart and wrench your hand open
in case you're hiding a tiny Big Mac or some ice cream in there.

When she's satisfied that you're not holding out on her, she gathers any and all available Junk Food Nuggets in her chubby fists until she absolutely can't hold any more (after her mouth has been stuffed to 30% beyond nature's intended capacity).  Then she'll sit back and happily pork out.

Oh, this isn't real food?
Then keep it comin'.
This was a particularly porky day.
Babies have no shame.




















Sometimes I question why on Earth she would do this, considering we've never withheld food from her, nor has Gerber's version of the Hamburglar ever crept in and snatched food out from under her hungry face.

You can't be too careful, though.

Gerry's theory is that it's an Evolutionary Survival Instinct, and that Madeline's treat hoarding is evidence that she's supremely adapted to ensure that she gets ample sustenance.  You know, for survival.
Though I would still argue that she wouldn't last long in the wild.
But that got me thinking.  If there's some truth to Gerry's theory, then maybe it also applies to her mistrust of me and my meal offerings.  Maybe she's just hard-wired to make sure that she gets as much of The Good Stuff as possible whenever it's within reach (Good Stuff = Gerber Cheetos), and to question anything else that's presented to her.  Like woodland creatures and Darwin's turtles and Pavlov's dogs and other sciencey examples, if you want to make it to adulthood you can't just run around eating every leaf and berry you see.  Some are toxic, and if you want to live you'll probably want to avoid those.  Just ask my mom - throughout my childhood she must've reminded me approximately every single day  that the blue berries on the bushes at the side of our yard were poisonous.
Then why did you plant them there, Mom?

I'm sorry, you've lost me.

Sorry, I think I might be off topic.  I can't really tell anymore.  What were we talking about?  Oh yeah, the fact that every time I try to feed the baby she acts like I'm a homeless person who just wandered up and offered her a filthy syringe full of my own urine.

Of course it's possible  that she doesn't react this way solely because she's a super-human genetically superior survival machine (I can't rule it out completely, or else Gerry'll give me a big lecture when he gets home from work about how perfect she is).  As long as we're considering all possibilities, maybe she's a reincarnated medieval Royal Food Tester who's afraid of sampling more poison in this life.  Or she's going to be the next {insert famous chef's name here} and my diced pears are an insult to her highly refined, delicate palette.  Maybe she has a recurring nightmare in which a trash-talking spoonful of sweet potatoes threatens to shiv her favorite Beanie Baby, resulting in an underlying mistrust of non-prepackaged foods.

Or maybe, just maybe - stay with me here, because this is a far-fetched idea - but maybe  it's possible that perhaps she won't eat because she's just being a typical, picky little (adorable) jerk.

Maybe.

Gerry isn't going to like that last part, so I'm going to tell him that I take it back.
But secretly you and I know that, really, she is being kind of jerkish.
Please click the banner below while I get Lecture #46, "Maddie Is Perfectly Perfect In Every Way" (now available on audio cassette).
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16 comments:

  1. a) so much for getting free food from gerber.

    2) maybe baby food tastes as nasty as it looks/feels/smells. i don't see YOU eating it.

    iii) her Real Food aversion began when she got that cold. ahem, i mean, YOUR cold.

    p.s. which you also passed along to me, as i recall.

    p.s.s. perhaps "a particular poopie head" would be a better way to refer to your perfect baby. :P

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  2. Maybe you should think about trying the pre-chewing food approach. I hear it's becoming the latest rage with celebrity parents. God, I wonder if that wouldn't just sell like hotcakes? You know, pre-chewed food by Madonna or Bill Murray perhaps. Just sayin.

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  3. Oh, and your husband sounds awesome.

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  4. @ThirdParty, you know what's nasty? Yogurt melts. They taste like slightly fruity sidewalk chalk.

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  5. @TheBlueOrchid, I hadn't thought of that! I bet you're right - people will buy anything Madonna regurgitates. I hope being disgusting does become uber-trendy. (Hey celebs, can we all agree that not showering or cleaning our houses is glam? I'm sick of society's unreasonable demands that I force my kids to use utensils AND maintain a sanitary environment.)

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  6. Okay the comments are just as funny as as the post- just had to say :-D. Oh I feel for you! I have one super picky child and one semi picky child. They both were not picky as babies though- they picked it up at daycare and school- I am sure. I have no advice because I still feed my kids junk food. Yep pizza rolls, Doritos, etc.

    I found your blog through the blogger comment club- thanks for letting me visit- and thanks for the belly laughs.

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  7. Oh girl, welcome to the land of misfit tastebuds.
    It will drive you bonkers.
    My kid inspects every morsal of food just to FIND something wrong with it.
    Green speck? Eff that Momma, you're trying to poison me.
    Ack!!

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  8. @Kerry, you gotta do what works, and if that's pizza rolls then pizza rolls it is! :) Thanks so much for visiting!

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  9. They still make cassette tapes??!

    I would side with you, but your baby is telling me not to.

    Must. do. what. baby. says.

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  10. @Kimberly, say it isn't so! I cruised through with the older kids, with only a few food quirks and outright refusals to eat. I should've known I had this coming! ;)

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  11. @tumbleweed, they do still make cassettes, but the only place on earth where you can still play them is in my car. And Maddie wants me to tell you that she's pleased you're receiving her transmissions.

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  12. Oh my gosh! You had me laughing so hard. My daughter goes nuts over the yogurt melts. I stopped buying them because she just wants MORE MORE MORE! NO portion control, that girl. sigh

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  13. @motherhood, WHAT IS IT with those things? It's not natural - seriously, they're not that good. It's times like this that I wish I had a lab I could send stuff to for testing. I'm pretty sure they're laced with something. While I'm at it I'll send off some episodes of Yo Gabba Gabba - I think they're laces with something, too.

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  14. Gerry's theory about babies not eating everything is correct because cave babies would have died otherwise (I know this because I'm married to a scientist - true story). But that usually kicks in around age 2 so I'm going to further hypothesize that Maddie is a super genius showing supreme intelligence while avoiding poisonous cave food.
    She could also be a jerk, but I don't know her well enough to assess that and as I'm raising 3 ruffians myself who am
    I to judge?

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    Replies
    1. As you well know, you'll never go wrong telling a father (or a mother, for that matter) that their baby is a super genius, so I'm going to guess that you're right.

      Also, it could be the lack of sleep, but the idea of "cave babies" is making me giggle uncontrollably.

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Thank you for commenting - you're awesome! I mean, even if you're a jerk, at least it means you read my blog. RIGHT?!?