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Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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Mommy Math

I don't know about you, but back in school I took Calculus and Trigonometry and Finite Math (which is a real thing, though for some reason they don't offer Infinite Math), and as far as I can tell none of them have a single real-world application, unless you're some kind of brain surgeon for rocket scientists, or if you're interested in what kind of gas mileage your car is getting.
I prefer not to know.
Fair warning: if you're the kind of person who frequently finds yourself rubbing your chin, doing smart-people things like ruminating, "Gee, I wonder what the inverse cosign of the hypotenuse of a quadrangle is - cotangently speaking, of course," then prepare yourself to start thinking I'm pretty dumb.  Also, I'm not sure what you're doing here in the first place - I rarely blog about the hypotenuse of anything, unless I'm using it as a euphemism.
Wink, wink.  Because I'm immature.
I probably COULD use fancy math, if I Applied Myself, but let's face it - whenever an opportunity to use math rears it's ugly head, I skip it.  Meh,  I think, too hard.   For example, I'll never measure the dimensions of a gift, insert my findings into some Complex Math Equation that looks like a bowl of alphabet soup, and use it to figure out how many square centimeters of "Congratulations" wrapping paper I'll need to cover up the fact that I'm regifting something I just yanked out of my Generic All-Purpose Token Gift stash.  Nope, instead I'll quickly eyeball it, cut a piece of wrapping paper, realize it's too small, cut another piece to fill in the gap, and use a ribbon to cover to seam.
Like a  normal person.
Or, more likely, I'll skip it all together and cram it into a gift bag with some used, wrinkled tissue paper that I've made a half-hearted effort to flatten out.

I use a lot of Scotch tape.  Yes, even on gift bags.  How else can you keep the hamsters in?

That's why I'm inventing the New Math, and I don't mean the kind of new math that says "40 is the new 20" (pleaseGodno, I can't do 20 again), or Zoe's Bird Math, or the kind of math my kids try to use wherein they think the Ten More Minutes I gave them to play until bedtime doesn't start until I come back to tell them their ten minutes are up.  This is Mommy Math, designed to help parents everywhere figure out the answers to problems we actually face in a typical day.  Just enter your info (called a "variable" - NERDY MATH TERM OF THE DAY) into the following equations to help you deal with Real World Parenting Issues.

(Le + T + S) G = O
The number of minutes Late you're running, plus the number of Tots you're trying to herd out the door, plus the number of times you have to remind them to put on their Shoes, multiplied by how Godawful their behavior is on a scale of 1 to 10.  This equals the number of Obscenities you'll have to stifle before you get to the car.

{S (H +U) T} U = P
The decibel level of the Stomping you hear downstairs, multiplied by "you Hit me" plus "yoU started it," multiplied by the number of Time outs you've already enforced that day, times a billion if you're currently trapped Under a sleeping baby.  This equals the likelihood that a blood vessel in your forehead will Pop because you can't scream at the kids to shut the hell up  without waking the baby.

(Di + ET) FAI = L
Add the number of Ding Dongs in the house tempting you with chocolatey goodness, plus the unEaten sandwich crusts you consume from your kids' lunch plates so no food goes to waste, times the Taste you take of every french fry and chicken nugget you serve them.  Multiply that by the number of Frumpy maternity tops you still wear, times the Alcohol content of your wine, times your Inclination to pass out face-first into a bowl of ice cream in front of the TV at 9 PM.  This equals the number of decades it will take to Lose the weight you gained during your last pregnancy.


(Play) W + ITH = Me
Multiply the number of recently canceled Playdates by the number of consecutive Wet, rainy days that've kept you off the playground.  Add that to the number of Interruptions you endure from your kids per minute while you're on the phone, times your Total exhaustion, times your Hatred of participating in pointless, endless, repetitive kids' games.  This equals the likelihood that you'll go completely Mental long before your children stop asking you to play Barbies/Lego/dress-up with them.


(ArE) + WE + (Th)E + RE= YeT
Multiply the number of Arguments your kids have had in the backseat since you left the house by the number of Entertainment devices that are out of battery power.  Add the intensity of the Whining times the number of minutes since they last asked to stop for something to Eat.  Add that to The hours left in the trip, multiplied by the number of times they urgently Express a need to pee, plus the number of requests for you to change the Radio station times the fact you'd rather be anyplace else on Earth.  This equals how long (in seconds) it'll take for you to freak  out and Yell at Them, before finally caving in and stopping at McDonalds.

There you have it - parenting has never been easier!  And it's all thanks to math - who'd have guessed?  Not me, that's for sure.  What an age in which we live.

Here at the end of the post is where you're used to me shamelessly shilling for Top Mommy Blog votes, but not today!  Today I'm shilling for some Facebook love - since the Twitter didn't kill me, I went ahead and joined the Facebook, too, because I'm a glutton for punishment (yours, that is).
Please click below or on my right sidebar widgety thing, and check it out to see more HTV awesomeness!  Okay, it's just me being my usual dumb self, but it might be fun - plus otherwise I might be tempted to put you on my Christmas gift list - you like poorly wrapped hamsters, don't you?



I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing - and so I don't get all lonely.


29 comments:

  1. Hahaha!! This was so awesome. I love your kind of math. I definitely think I would've aced this class. I totally get it.

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  2. This post is very timely for me because I just signed up for a refresher algebra class online because I am thinking of finishing my degree (and by finishing, I mean starting it).

    Your math is a lot more relatable to the school stuff and waaaaay funnier.

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  3. When, as a society, are we just going to finally do away with wrapping presents? It's so tedious and time consuming and then the gift receiver just rips apart all of our work in a matter of seconds. Not worth it.

    Sorry, I know gift wrapping wasn't the main theme of your post but I happen to be one of those few that actually likes math. I mean come on, without math we wouldn't have any working elevators or know which of our sports teams are better than the others.

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  4. @Kelley I'm actually pretty relieved to hear that - I wasn't entirely sure it made sense! The baby was up most of the night, which of course means I was, too, so I ended up wondering if I'd look at the post later and realize I'd typed it all in some Wingdings font. :)

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  5. @tumbleweed, good for you! Stick with it, and when the time comes for the final exam you're all set because you can just print this post and turn it in!

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  6. @Christian, you're right that wrapping paper wasn't the focus of this post, but after reading your comment I'm convinced it should've been.

    I'll give you that elevators are pretty cool, but I don't need math to know the Colts are gonna suck next season. Again.

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  7. Often when I wrap a present for a kid party, a parent will compliment my young child on their wrapping skills. I gots to get me some tape! It will solve all of my problems, I just know it.

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  8. Haha- I love your type of math- I think I can incorporate this formula! Too funny- you should link up if you'd like! I hope you have a fantastic weekend!

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  9. Is is too early to profess my infinite love for you?
    Where have you been all my life?
    You have me in stitches every time I visit.

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  10. @inbed, yeah, get some really strong tape and fasten those other parents'mouths shut - then it WILL solve all your problems!

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  11. @Melissa, thanks! Glad you found mommy math useful - I'm thinking of printing the formulas out on a wallet-sized card for easy reference. :)

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  12. @Kimberly, it's never too early to profess infinite love! Well, except like 3 AM, which is when my baby likes to tell me she loves me in the form of screaming and drooling, which IS kind of too early. But a different kind of early, though. :)

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  13. OH, I hate math, but I know the "DIET FAIL" equation to a tee...er "t"? I'm only passing at the English language. Great post!

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  14. @paige, I use the DIET FAIL equation the most, too, but probably because I rarely venture out of the house with my kids, which rules out some of the other equations. ;)

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  15. you're ingenious post had me shaking my head in wonder. you have a real talent for the unique and interesting. i'm your number one fan, wife.

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    1. @thirdparty, thank you! Unless you're being sarcastic, in which case sheddep. :)

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  16. I just added your web page to my bookmarks. I enjoy reading your posts. Thank you!

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  17. Bahaha! I LOVE this. It's hilarious. And I like math and don't have kids, so I'm way outside of your target audience. Ha!

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    1. @stephanie, thanks so much!!! And anyone reading this should follow Stephanie's link back to her blog - her "Q is for quiet talkers" post had both Gerry and me laughing so loud we nearly woke the baby! :)

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  18. Hilarious! As a fellow math hater and bad gift wrapper I really enjoyed reading this!

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    1. @mommyswhine, thanks! I'm so glad you can relate (I think we might be the last 2 anti-mathians on Earth)!

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  19. It's early. I'm a disaster. Toddlers are throwing used diapers at me and I'm reading this on my phone and wondering why my math is worse than yours and I only have TWO kids. There must be an equation for that.

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    1. Hi, by the way! I'm heather. I followed Stephanie here!

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    2. @heather, if it makes you feel any better, your funny-comment-leaving skills remain well honed, despite the dirty diaper barrage. :) And don't give a second thought to the number of kids - I'm hiding in the bathroom right now, as usual. I could have 2 kids out there or 52, it's all the same when you neglect them all equally.

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  20. @anon, that's great - thanks for being here!

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  21. Now this is the kind of math that actually makes sense! How do you find time to think up all this stuff when you have 5 kids? I've decided you either have incredible time management skills or you just don't sleep. Ever. Or both.

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    1. It's easy - I'm not a very good mother. I'm sure if I paid attention to the kids I'd never get any blogging done. ;)

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  22. ps. Just recently started trying to figure out how to work the facebook page I made for my blog, and I just "Liked" your page from it (which I finally figured out how to do!) Can I blame my computer illiteracy on the fact that I'm really bad at math, or are those two separate things that I'm bad at?

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    1. Thanks for the Like! If you do ever become good at facebooking, I'd be happy to take lessons, because I suck eggs.

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