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Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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The Great (Phoney) First Birthday Spectacular

Well, I have to say my fears were, once again, unfounded.

You might remember that I procrastinated was virtually on my deathbed, and spaced out on my duty to create a perfect, memorable, extremely expensive first birthday party for Madeline, the kind that would make her feel cherished and loved and prove once and for all to the other mothers in the neighborhood that I love my kids at least as much as they love theirs, if not more.

But I shouldn't have worried.  Even though I didn't do one iota of planning until the day before The Big Event, I can say without exaggeration that Madeline's birthday on Saturday was an absolute riot of activity and unstoppable celebratory awesomeness.

Now, first let me explain a little something regarding her lack of clothing.  When you're in the midst of creating an atmosphere of Ultimate First Birthday Wicked Crazy Greatness, let's face it - you can't be bothered to pay all that much attention to the birthday girl.  I had stuff to do!  So let's just say some coffee was left unattended, no one got hurt (other than her clothes, my clothes, the carpet, and the coffee table, which I guess at least was appropriately named), and a few pictures were snapped between wardrobe changes.  Like this one:

If it weren't for the Snack Cups full of yogurt melts,
I would totally move into my own apartment.

We didn't let one little beverage mishap slow us down, though.  First we followed ancient birthday tradition and stopped by to pick up some E. coli pizza at Chuck-E-Cheese.

I'm not clear on exactly why anyone
ever thought this place was a good idea.

Then, we increased the excitement level by riding coasters at Major Theme Park Of Your Choice.

Wheeeeeeeeeee.

I don't mind telling you, after all that E. coli and adrenaline, we needed to relax.  A peaceful hike in the woods sounded perfect.

I think you sat me down on a pine cone.

But you know what?  Even that  wasn't quite relaxing enough (it's hard to chill out in the woods when all you're really doing is thinking about Tick Season until your scalp gets itchy).  Since nothing's too good for our baby, we cashed in our 401Ks and the kids' college funds, and took a private jet down to Key West.

The sand.  Is.  Everywhere.

The tropical breezes and ocean views were the perfect backdrop for wrapping up what turned out to be a pretty decent first birthday party.  Oh, speaking of wrapping, can you guess what Madeline's birthday gift was?

Do you have any idea how long it took me
to get this thing out of the gift bag?

Bon voyage, Sweetie!  Now that you're one, I think you're old enough to go on a luxury cruise by yourself while Mommy recuperates from not planning your party.

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...Okay, I'll admit it, a few of those pictures were lightly edited.  You probably couldn't tell because of my mad Photoshop skills, but it's true.

And now that I've told you, it occurs to me that this is a MUCH better ridiculous get-rich-quick scheme than my last idea!  Anyone wanting to create the illusion that their kid partied like a Kardashian on their birthday (minus the whoriness, obviously),  send me your pics and I'll expertly (see above) drop in an exotic backdrop of your choosing.  Slap the new photos in your family album, and years from now all you have to do is casually mention what a great time their [insert age] birthday was.  Eventually they'll start to believe you because, Hey,  they'll reason, Why would Mom lie to me?   You'll know it's working when they start to say things like, "So that's  why I like the smell of diapers and suntan oil," or, "I guess that explains my fear of giant rats."  See?

This plan has the added bonus of leaving their college fund up for grabs when you decide you want a swimming pool or need a mid-life crisis convertible, or I suppose you could even use it for their college education (if you insist on being a total square).

Just let me know - the line forms at the door, orders taken on a first-come, first-served basis.  Hello?  HELLO????


Please click below to vote while I go check my camera's memory card -
I'm hoping we have at least a few real birthday pictures someplace...
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12 comments:

  1. "and the coffee table, which I guess at least was appropriately named" lol!
    Looks like the "write a blog and get rich quick" scheme might actually work out for you with all your big ideas.
    Happy first birthday Maddie!

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  2. @justkeepswimming, here's hoping! I'm assuming one day all these fabulous ideas will pile up until an investor stops by and hands me a wheelbarrow full of cash. That IS how it works, isn't it?

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  3. Looks like that baby girl partied like a rock star! Glad you're feeling better!

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  4. Has Chuck E. Cheese always been that scary?

    You should patent Ultimate (insert age) Birthday Party of Wicked Crazy Greatness before one of those Kardashians hussies jump all over it.

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  5. I think your new endeavor as a first birthday party planner/photoshopper sounds more fruitful than the business of cleaning out emails belonged to deceased loves one ;)-

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  6. Chuck E Cheese is terrifying for multiple reasons!!

    I hope you are feeling better!!

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  7. @notimeforpants, thanks, I am! And she did party - maybe she didn't party quite as hard as it looked in the pictures, but CLOSE. ;)

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  8. @Tumbleweed that photo doesn't begin to cover how scary Chuck's is. And you're right about the patent - those Kardashian hussies are always jumping on something, aren't they?

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  9. @Jennifer, if I can just continue to improve my ideas in small increments like that, I should actually have a money-making idea sometime around the year 3084.

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  10. @PishPosh I couldn't agree more - there are actually more disgusting ways to die per square inch at Chuck E. Cheese than anyplace else on earth.

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  11. @Amanda, as far as she knows, it was!

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