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Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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A Disturbing New Hobby

We were sitting on the couch late last night, when Gerry horrified my eardrums by uttering the unlikely combination of words, "Someday I want to make a marionette."

Please be aware that we weren't watching a show about puppetry, nor were we in the middle of a conversation about Howdy Doody.  We were just sitting there.  I think a Taco Bell commercial was on.  This was the first I'd ever heard about his desire to whittle a doll with fully jointed limbs and tether it to his hands, which immediately struck me as just about the most disturbing hobby a person could suddenly want to pick up - then he made it even worse.

"I mean a really creepy one."

Is there another kind?   I asked myself.  I found it redundant to specify that it would be a creepy  wooden, carved person dangling limply from strings with dead eyes and an eerily paralyzed facial expression.

Why make one FROM SCRATCH? You can save yourself the trouble
and just buy these adorable rascals on ebay
so I can hurry up and get started on never sleeping again  right away!
Plus, they're clowns, too, so DOUBLE AWESOME.

Instead of saying all that, and because I'm a supportive wife, I said, "Okay.  But where are you gonna keep it locked up when you're not working on it?"

He looked at me quizzically.  Apparently, even though he's a full grown man and probably should know this by now, I needed to explain the basic life lesson of How To Protect Yourself From Creepy Inanimate Objects.

"A scary movie," I began, "you can put in the freezer and be safe from it.  But a marionette - you gotta lock that junk up.  It might be able to push the freezer door open."

I believe it was at this point that Gerry started laughing hysterically at me.  I guess he never read The Shining as a kid, nor had to keep the book restrained overnight under a stack of frozen entrees so the twins at the end of that hallway couldn't slip out from between the pages and get him when his guard was down.

"What?  How could a marionette hurt you?  It's a pile of sticks with strings attached!  The worst it could do is scoot along the floor until it ran into your foot," he insisted (erroneously) through fits of laughter.

I corrected him.  "It could wrap the strings around your neck while you slept and then shuffle away until you were strangled."

How does he not know  this already?  I mean, think,  honey.  Have you never seen Child's PlayPoltergeist?  Hellooooooo?  Am I the only one who'll be prepared when our home is attacked by reanimated doll corpses?

He looked liked he might be starting to understand the absolute rationality behind my concern, until he came up with a retort. "Sure, but how would it get up on the bed?"

I gave up.  "At least give it a goofy name that I can giggle about while it kills me."

"What, like Chester?  Humphrey?"  He pantomimed a shuffling marionette scratching at the bedroom door as I theatrically shrieked, "No, Humphrey, nooooooo!"  Then Gerry got serious again.

"No, we should name it something better than that.  You don't want to give it a reason to be mad at you."

Good thinking, honey - I'm relieved that you're finally taking this seriously.  That's the kind of mindset that's going to help save us from your terrifying marionette one day.


I'm going to go build a Panic Room on the off chance that Gerry was serious about this marionette thing.  In the meantime, please click below to vote!
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28 comments:

  1. LMAO...I'm with you. "Just say no to marionettes" is my life motto, along with, "keep that thing in the freezer under ten Hungry Man meals and one economy sized bag of chicken nuggets."

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  2. Oh yes, what a lovely idea. Please have him make some for me that look eerily like my kids so when they are away at school the cursed things can stare at me from a bookshelf in my study. Maybe as I reach for my whiskey bottle one will put his hand on the bottle and try and stop me. Oh crap, this is getting into my head now. What have you done?!

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  3. @ThirdParty, you always seem to be on my husband's side. Very suspicious.

    @Paige, THANK YOU for backing me up. I'm just saying why risk it? That's all.

    @TheBlueOrchid, I'm sorry, the paranoia is insidious, isn't it?

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  4. I fear
    The marionette will be used to express his more unpleasant feelings i.e. "Chester doesnt like it when you...".

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  5. Lash him to a chair in front of the computer and make him watch this until he understands.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bzvcQmkhznw&NR=1&feature=endscreen

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  6. @InBed, don't give him any ideas! "Chester wants you to wash the dishes, then Chester needs you to give me a back rub. You wouldn't want Chester to be unhappy, WOULD YOU???"

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  7. Thanks a lot, Dad! I'm getting rid of all the kids' toys now - otherwise I can't be sure it's safe here...

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  8. Oh my word! I'm torn between laughing and being totally disturbed!

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  9. @mammabearsworld, go ahead and go with disturbed. It's safer to keep your guard up around here. ;)

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  10. HAH! "A marionette could push the door open." Oh my gosh that is terrifying. Truly.

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  11. @mamamash - right??? I got another shiver just thinking about it.

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  12. I am with you: building a panic room sounds like the only appropriate reaction.

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  13. @Melissa, my plan is to start constructing the panic room using my husband's woodworking tools, in the hopes they'll all be broken or worn to nubs by the time he tries to use them to make his freaky little friend. Pretty smart, no?

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  14. That is freaking terrifying and you're right. You're totally going to die. *sob* It really was nice knowing you.

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  15. @SarcasmGoddess, the worst part it you know my corpse is going to be absolutely grotesque from the shins down.

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  16. I don't really have an issue with marionettes but I do have an issue with any man who actually wants to make them. And one who has "always wanted to make one." Can you imagine him always having that one wish "if only I could make a marionette one day..." Found you at finding the funny!

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  17. @Sparkling, I couldn't agree more - I hope he was joking, but I'm keeping an eye on him just to be on the safe side. ;)

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  18. The chest freezer has a lock -- would that keep a marionette in?

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  19. @Michelle, it might, but it'll probably still need to have a length of chain wrapped around it, and maybe a padlock for good measure. I leave nothing to chance when it comes to marionettes!

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  20. You were one of the most clicked links at last week's #findingthefunny party! We're featuring you tomorrow, and I'm pinning this to our Finding the Funny Pinterest board.

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  21. @Anna, that's GREAT news - I'm grinning ear to ear! Thanks!

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  22. This is why the last horror movie I've ever watched was Ghostbusters when the librarian ghost turned around and shrieked. Oh and I was little and ran from the theater, through the MALL, to hide in the parking lot between cars. Oh what a memory that is...

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  23. @Laura hahahahaha!!! Oh wait, I hope it was okay to laugh at that. :) I was afraid of Ghostbusters too, but for me it was the demon in the fridge. ::shudder:: You actually sound quite brave in your story - I'm a grown woman and I'M afraid to hide between cars in a parking lot!

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  24. This was so funny! He made an excellent point about not wanting the doll to be angry about his name! Humphrey is cute,though, right? Your conversation cracked me up!

    (Thanks for linking this up to #findingthefunny last week!)

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  25. @Kelley, Humphrey is pretty cute, isn't it? I mean, if you have to be murdered by a doll, it might as well be a Humphrey.

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  26. Between your round on the Character Assasination Carousel and this story from Finding the Funny, I'm sold! I love your sense of humor.

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  27. @justkeepswimming, thanks so much! I'm glad you like it here. :)

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