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Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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Tuesday, March 27, 2012

To Whom It May Concern

I've started several posts today, only to abandon each one halfway through.  None of them are coming out quite right.  I think it might be because I have a few things nagging at the Concentration Lobe of my brain, preventing me from accessing my Wit Cortex.  So I've decided I need to purge my annoyances, which I'm hoping will allow me to refocus on bringing you more of whatever the heck you've come to expect from this blog.  So, please pardon me while I indulge in a little rant.



Dear Hospital Billing Department,
Thank you very much for fixing my heart two years ago.  That was awesome of you, even though your ER doctor came within two centimeters of (oops) accidentally sending me home to die and, once admitted, you nearly starved me to death because I couldn't eat before any of the procedures that you kept scheduling for me and then postponing.

I also really appreciate you agreeing to take a chunk of my paycheck every few weeks in payment, since we all agreed I couldn't afford to pay you a lump sum for all the Heart Jabbing you performed on my behalf.  I guess you finally noticed that I'm not getting  a paycheck anymore, and that your percentage of my new biweekly $0 income has dwindled down to approximately $0.

What I don't understand is why you think, since I couldn't afford to pay you a lump sum before, that I magically have a bunch of cash lying around now that I have 100% less income.  Also, judging by the amount of red ink you used on the bill, you seem to think that I've been ignoring your requests for payment, even though I can count on exactly zero fingers the number of bills you've sent before this one.  Thanks, though, for treating me like a debt-dodging miscreant here with our very first debt-related communication.  It was Extra Special of you to ensure it arrived on my birthday, too - nice touch.  I look forward to working with the collection agency you're already threatening me with.

Signed,
I Can't Believe I Used To Work For You *Expletive Deleted* Holes



Dear Filthy Neighbor,
A) Keep your ankle-biting, leg-humping dogs off my property.  That goes for their poop, too.  I don't appreciate them attacking my visitors; and for the record, hollering lazily from the porch, "Eh, he won't hurtcha" is not an acceptable substitute for taking responsibility for your pets.

B) Are you moving, or what?  Make up your mind, because I'm tired of looking at the crappy particle board entertainment center on the trailer in your driveway.  Either take it in the house, or haul it to your new place (I'm assuming the city dump has already refused to take it).  I'm starting to get nervous that you're in the process of slowly relocating your living room to the front yard.

C) I'm sorry to hear you lost one of your eleventy thousand tiny dogs.  Might I suggest mowing your grass?  I'm sure he's in there somewhere.  No?  Okay, well I'll keep an eye out to see if he turns up in the squirrel trap you keep on your roof for some reason  - I have a super-good view of it from the baby's nursery.

D) Hey, I used to like George Michael, too.  I'll admit it.  But playing your George Michael/Sarah McLachlan/Bette Midler/ABBA mix tape at top volume with your windows wide open is.  not.  cool.  Besides, it's 30 degrees outside with 30 mph winds.  I can only assume your house must be permeated with a fairly intense stench if you're willing to have all your windows open in this weather.

Signed,
Listening To Madonna's "Vogue" On Repeat All Morning Against My Will


Dear Diaper Companies,
I don't know what you think we use your products for, but FYI, we use them to contain our babies' bodily functions.  That's pretty much their sole purpose, as far as I know.  Yet your diapers consistently fail at reaching this one, simple goal.  My baby outshoots the confines of your diapers on a near-daily basis, requiring several total wardrobe changes and a lot of disgusting laundry.  And unless every parent on the planet is conspiring to tell the same lie, I don't think my baby is the only one.

I'm no Absorbent Materials Engineer - that's supposed to be your area of expertise.  So I'm just going to say one thing - fix it.   Or I'm gonna find you, and it isn't going to be pretty.

Signed,
You Don't Want To Know What I've Been Saving Up For You


Deeeeeep breath, and exhaaaaaaaaale.

Thanks for indulging me - I feel a little better.
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18 comments:

  1. Why HAVEN'T they invented a diaper that actually works yet?!? I'm pretty sure babies have been peeing and exploding diarrhea all over the place since the beginning of mankind, so why hasn't this been a #1 priority, EVER?

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  2. YOU are having quite a day... nice

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  3. SQUIRREL TRAP?! Please tell me there is a photo of this that will make it into a future post...

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  4. I wish I knew, Jen O. We can send a man to the moon, but we lack the technology to keep infant excrement in the general vicinity of its place of origin. I'm baffled. Maybe if I sent my baby over to them, wearing one of their diapers, they'd understand the severity of the issue?

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  5. HMM - indeed. Thanks for sticking with me through that post.

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  6. kc, just for you, I'll see what I can do. With my luck he'll think I'm trying to get pics of him through his window to post on... wherever you'd post a bedroom photo of my filthy neighbor. NOTE TO NEIGHBOR: As if.

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  7. I absolutely LOVE this. Don't we all wish we could have a Festivus-like Airing of Grievances from time to time?!? I know I write a lot of similar letters in my mind from time to time. I'm enjoying reading your blog.

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  8. Wow, you even make a rant sound funny. Somehow when I rant I just sound like a bi**h. I installed a handheld shower when my children were small - strip off bio-hazard and hose 'em down. I once had to learn through experience, the only way to get your baby's hair smelling like baby shampoo after a bio-hazard makes it all the way up there is to rinse with vinegar.

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  9. I think you should mail each one of these letters to the intended recipient with a picture of the baby and her Level 5 Stare of Bend To My Will.

    How could it *not* work??

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  10. Christie, we should start our own Festivus for ranting and I'm sure eventually people would join in - how else do new holidays get started? Pretty soon it'll be on the calendar. Government employees will probably get the day off.

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  11. That was hysterical and all kinds of awesome! I feel better knowing that I'm not the only one with disgusting neighbors. My neighbor had a goat. It peed on my house. No lie. Thanks for the giggles today!

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  12. Vanessa, that sounds like one serious, 3-Mile Island type meltdown! I'm writing that vinegar tip down; I'll be lucky if I make it to the end of the day without having to use it (I wonder if I could substitute a nice vinaigrette - I'm not exactly known for having basic kitchen supplies on hand).

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  13. TruckingT, that's genius! I've had the power to obliterate these nuisances right under my nose all along. And speaking of noses, I'll have her cough some of her Death Flu germs into the envelope for good measure! Muahahhahaha!

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  14. Delilah, that made my day. I mean, I'm sorry about the goat pee, but that's hilarious!

    Wait until I write a letter to my neighbor on the other side. He once weeded his flower bed by setting it on fire. He just stood there, drinking a beer, while an inferno blazed less than 2 feet from his house and flaming embers drifted over onto our roof. He was genuinely surprised that his siding got warped. Ah, neighbors.

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  15. I'm sorry you've had a rough week; however, I'm a little relieved that I'm not the only one dealing with this kind of crap. LoL

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  16. I'm pretty sure our neighbors are writing letters like this about us. We have no dogs but despite my best(ish) efforts our kids keep their toys scattered about the yard so that we look like a preschool version of the Clampets.

    And personally I think diapers are a miracle of engineering. Really, just 50 years ago, EVERYBODY used cloth diapers which they then had to wash BY HAND. I can't imagine parenting some newborn baby, nursing, sleep deprivation, etc. and then adding to it the task of hand washing 30 cloth diapers a day. Those people must think our modern day diapers are the equivalent of devil magic.

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  17. Cynthia, it sure helps to know we're not alone, doesn't it? ;)

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  18. Alexis, I know, you're right. Any time I lose my schmidt over a diaper blowout I try to channel some gratitude that I'm not using leaves and animal hides. Though back then they didn't wash them, they just threw them out or (gag) dried them and reused 'em. Ewwwwww.

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