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Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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Tuesday, February 28, 2012

True Love in Hell

My husband and I spend a little quite a bit of time in front of the TV each week, mostly using it as a way to unwind in the evenings while we hypocritically yell at the children to go do something productive instead of rotting their brains in front of the TV. But we don't just watch television - that's for people who don't have an opinion about everything under the sun. No, I would say about 11% of our couch time is spent watching actual programming, while 89% is spent making snide comments about all the people and products on the screen. (Editor's note: That's a pretty conservative estimate.)

It's not that we're mean people. Or maybe we are, I don't know. But we figure they can't hear us, so it's all in good fun, and we get a surprising amount of amusement out of it either way. I never said we were mature.

Here are some recent comments you would have overheard if you'd been lurking behind our couch (That's so creepy - why would you do that?), which may or may not be funny out of context:

  • That guy looks like Lyle Lovett and Jeff Goldblum's love child.
  • Leurfleur dee fluerderder. (This is the nasal faux French we use to mock Alex Trebek every time he corrects a Jeopardy contestant's pronunciation of a foreign word. We use faux French because we're nerdy enough to watch Jeopardy, but not quite nerdy enough to know any real French words. Except for "faux.")
  • A lot of people would wash their hair if they knew they were going to be on national television. Personal hygiene isn't for everyone, I guess.
  • Is she wearing a dress from the 1800s?
  • "Honey, let's ride our bikes out into the countryside, where we can picnic on finger sandwiches and discuss your erectile dysfunction."
  • Her head looks like it was carved out of a ham...
  • ...and she looks like the love child of Wynonna Judd and Ricki Lake.

Because of this pastime of ours, the other day I casually mentioned to my husband the obvious fact that we're most certainly both going to Hell.

Some people imagine Hell as a pit full of flaming caves& and pitchforks, but I picture it more as a series of rooms, each one designed specifically to punish a person's individual sins.

That's not really true, I don't actually picture Hell at all on a regular basis, but for the purposes of this conversation with Gerry I did.

I told him that our personal Hell is going to entail us being strapped to chairs, side by side, with duct tape over our mouths and some sort of brace on our necks that prevent us from looking at each other. Then an endless parade of people just DYING to be made fun of will walk along in front of us for all eternity, and we won't be able to make any snide comments or give each other The Knowing Look or even share an eye roll.



I described this potential Hell to Gerry, lamenting how difficult it's going to be, sitting next to him without being able to hear his sarcastic comments or toss out any of my own semi-offensive remarks. But then my darling husband made me feel better with the words, "That's okay babe - we each always know what the other is thinking anyway."

What a romantic notion (by our standards), that not even the twisted inventions of the Devil himself could conspire to make Gerry and I stop enjoying each other's company. Which made me wonder - maybe true love (for us, anyway) means knowing we could be silently snarky together in Hell. Well, now I can hardly wait to get there.


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23 comments:

  1. Every now and then I go through a phase where I feel guilty for being so judgemental. Then I do something dorky like walk around a truck stop with 47 linear feet of twine stuck to my shoe and I know I'm getting as good as I gave.

    Also? Exactly, about Alex!

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  2. That's a good point, Tumbleweed - I'm easily giving strangers as much snark fodder every time I leave the house as I take advantage of when I watch TV, so I think it evens out.

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  3. not even close, babe. but i appreciate your half-hearted attempt at humility nonetheless.

    ;)

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  4. Phew I am still giggling! I am glad that my husband and I are not the only ones who watch tv like this. Never thought about the hell thing though-- that would be horrible, I have to admit!

    I found your blog through the blogger comment club-- thanks for letting me visit.

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  5. Thanks for coming, Kerry! Gerry and I will save you guys good seats for the parade.

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  6. What makes hell endurable for a second is to know you have a companion to share your thoughts with. Think about being in hell alone. Your newest follower via GFC. I'd be glad if you return the favor at BEAUTY HIVE

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  7. Well said, Maxwell! And thanks for following! :)

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  8. I've always figured hell would be that way, too. I'd be trapped in a room with mouth breathers who can't stop rustling their super-sized bags of pork rinds while shooting snot rockets.

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  9. Ugh, Middle State, your hell sounds even worse than mine!

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  10. This is so funny & reminds me of my husband and me. We LOVE to make snide comments about The Bachelor. The one of yours that made me laugh the loudest was Alex Trebek & his way of correcting French/foreign words. That is so true! Cracked me up!

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  11. Kelley, I'm glad we aren't the only ones! My mom watches The Bachelor (for the sheer ridiculous factor) and it's so easy to make fun of that I can join in - and I've never even seen the show! Now if only we could get Trebek on The Bachelor...

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  12. Hilarious. Sounds like a typical evening in my living room. The Alex Trebek thing is hysterical. I hate when he over-enunciates foreign words. LOL. Sounds like you guys have a lot of fun together. So important to a lasting relationship.

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    1. We do have a lot of fun - and Alex gives us a lot of material to make fun of, so we should probably thank him.

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  13. My husband and I will be right there in Hell with ya girl. We like to make fun of real live folks though, rather than those on TV. You sure don't have to look far for entertainment. Of course when we pull out all of our redneck tricks, people can get quite a laugh from us as well.

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    1. That's what I figure - I can take it, so I might as well dish it out! And rest assured, real live folks aren't safe from us, either (I'm looking at you, neighbors). ;)

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  14. I think your vision of Hell is going to be where all the fun is, though...because we're all going in that handbasket together. We'll probably all get kicked out, because Satan is going to get annoyed and get sick of us eventually.

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    1. Excellent, I'll see you there! Then when Satan gets sick of us, we can go find the after-party where the other cool kids are hanging out. ;)

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  15. I need to watch tv with you! I have an uncanny ability to name the imaginary parents of anyone, too. (“That guy looks like a cross between John Ritter and that guy from Wings, only Greek.")

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    1. So perfect! Seriously, I need you over here pronto, because I just saw a lady who was sort of like a blonde Erik Estrada and *someone*, but I can't tell who and it's driving me crazy.

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    2. Dang it! You're so smart, but I was just flipping past it and I have no idea which channel it was on. Next time, though, expect a tweet! :)

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    3. My husband and I will be strapped to chairs right next to you two. We'll teach you one of our favorite games, "Fat or Pregnant?"

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    4. Dyanne, that is AWESOME! I just added that to our TV agenda. :)

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