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Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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Funny Friday

I'm feeling listy, so today you lucky dogs get to sit around and wait for me to think of five whole funny things that happened this week.   Except, through the magic of the innerwebs, it won't seem like waiting to you at all - it will seem pretty much instantaneous.  This is what is known in the writing world as Conservation of Momentum,  which is from physics or Latin or geometry or something.  You can read all about it in the Magna Carta at your local library.

1) I told you about how blunt Zoe is, and why, and how she doesn't mean anything by it. Well, she got invited to a birthday party for a girl in her class, and it's going to be hosted at... wait for it... A SPA. I don't know how I'm going to get her to come back home when it's over, but I'll worry about that later. When she invited Gran to go with her, she tried to sweeten the deal by suggesting, "You could get a manicure there. Because your hands are all jacked up."

"I prefer encrusting myself with food,
rather than ingesting it."
2) Maddie isn't always the best eater of solid foods.  For lunch on Thursday, I had her in the high chair with a delicious array of bite-sized chunks of chicken and strawberries on the tray.  She quickly lost interest, and focused most of her attention on the candy bar I was having for lunch (DON'T JUDGE ME).  So I snagged a chunk of her chicken, held it up by my candy wrapper, and pretended I was breaking off a piece of my bar.  Then I handed the chicken back to her, and as soon as she thought it was the same thing I was eating she nearly leaped out of her seat to eat it.  I bet I could've gotten her to eat a whole chicken that way.  But that would be gross.

3) Friday's February Photo Challenge prompt is: Self Portrait.  If that doesn't get you laughing right off the bat, then you haven't yet conjured the proper mental image of me, alone in the living room with my baby, attempting to take the perfect Serious But Not Too Serious self portrait at arm's length, while Maddie climbs in my lap and makes me look down at her as part of her conspiracy to showcase my double chin.  After twenty minutes of Infant Arm Wrestling and me smiling into the air at no one, I realized the camera was on the landscape setting.  So I switched it back to Auto, like a real  photographer, and moved to the window to get some light.  Bad idea; my eyes are really sensitive.  Sometimes I even squint in the dark.  By then I was bored with the whole thing, so this is what I ended up with.

I call this masterpiece, Woman In Need of Chapstick Watches For UPS Truck That Is Expected To Deliver Her Long-Awaited Shipment of Sanity, But Instead Spies A Group of Miscreant Hooligan Teenagers Loitering In Front of Her House, So She Watches Anxiously, Hoping They Disperse of Their Own Accord Before She Is Forced To Admit To Herself That She's Too Much of A Wimp To Confront Them, and Also Before Anyone Notices She's Taking Pictures of Herself In The Front Window Like An Escaped Mental Patient.  I realize that I might have to abbreviate the title for the gallery opening (Art Community, I'm waiting for your call).
4)  Maddie was ready to get out of bed way earlier than we were every day one day this week (SURPRISE), so she grabbed my thumbs like she normally does to pull herself up to stand, except she leaned way back instead and tried to use her tiny little counterweight to make me sit up.  Fat chance!  So she climbed over onto her dad and tried the same thing, except it was even less successful because A) he weighs even more than I do, 2) not even a crowbar and a vat of bacon grease can get him up if he doesn't want to get up, and III) Maddie was sitting on his chest, and if you've ever tried to get someone to sit up before, you know that the best vantage point for you to get some leverage is not usually ON TOP OF the person you're trying to move.  Her efforts, while fruitless, were nevertheless adorable.

5) And finally, it's hard not to laugh when you're around an individual who's enjoying themselves as much as this gal.  What's better than taking a kitchen sink bath and splashing water into a tidal wave that consumes the entire house?  For babies, splashing equals good times.  For older kids, it's all about getting raisiny while Barbie Mermaid's magical hair changes from pink to purple in the warm water, or G.I. Joe goes on a deep sea mission.  My  main delight in bathing stems from knowing being reasonably sure hoping that, for 15 minutes, no one will barge in and ask me if they can have a snack, tattle on a sibling, or inform me that the cat barfed on the stairs again.  That, to me, is pure bliss.


P.S. Happy birthday to the eldest of our brood, "Little" Gerry, who's not so little anymore and turns 21 today!  He is pictured here, sampling his first legal beer with his dad/Gerry (they went out at midnight last night to be sure Gerry didn't waste a second of his new 21-ness by not  drinking).  Like all parents, Gerry (the one I'm married to) feels like he ages approximately ten years for each birthday his children have, which is resulting in a lot of, "I can't believe my little boy is 21"-ing around here.  Coupled with the fact that he went out to a bar at midnight for the first time in eleventy years and as a result feels like death warmed over today, this milestone is really hitting him hard.  21-year-old Gerry, however, is taking it quite well.  Happy birthday, G!

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I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing!


18 comments:

  1. Why is it so easy to get fantastic shots of our kids, but to get one of ourselves is nearly impossible? I'm taking mine at lunch and I'm not looking forward to the hyper-analysis of my face that I'll be doing instead of eating my sandwich.

    Your pic turned out lovely, though, but you do look a little worried by the loitering hooligans.

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  2. Jen, you're so right; the kids always look great. Heaven forbid I end up in the shot and have to spend an hour Photoshopping myself out of the background. Lord, you should see the self portait outtakes! Good luck at lunch!

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  3. i laughed out loud (loled? lol-ed?) at the zoe remark. she's seriously jeopardizing her chances of being named undersecretary of public relations for my upcoming run at state rep. i loved this whole post, but there better NOT have really been any shiftless teenagers congregating in front of our house.

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  4. I loved everything about this post! Your kid laughing in the sink is adorbs, and I can relate to the perfect portrait to post on the blog and how long it takes to get the lighting/angles just right. You look beautiful! And the gallery should take the title as is. If they know what's good for them.

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    1. Yeah, gallery - how dare you try to mess with my Artistic Vision?

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  5. so funny! My 1 yr old stares at me when I drink my sodas. She seriously will stop eating and stare at me!

    Great post! Thanks for linking up. Now following you back from Favorite Thing Friday.

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    1. Thanks! :) Maddie's the same way - what is it that's so fascinating about soda cans?

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  6. Happy birthday Gerry!

    LOL over jacked up hands.

    That is SUCH a cute baby pic. Glad to 'meet' you :-)

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  7. haha- a spa party! Got to love it:) I love her comments too. Too funny! The picture in the bath is beyond priceless. One of the cutest babies ever! Happy birthday Gerry!! I agree with the bath remark too- my only piece and quiet. Love reading your laughs!!

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  8. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I was having a fairly horrible bad Monday morning and was in desperate need for some laughs. Your friday post did just that!! I especially enjoyed the comments on your photo about watching for the UPS truck and watching the teenagers, etc. It sounds like me more often than I care to admit!

    I found your blog through the blogger comment club- thank you again!

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    1. Sorry to hear your Monday's not off to a good start, but it makes me smile to think my oddity helped in some way! Thanks for stopping by and for commenting!

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  9. Regarding photographing yourself in the window with witnesses outside. I was deeply absorbed in some critique of my face in the visor mirror while at a red light when I looked over to see a guy in the next car laughing his ass off. He was mock fluffing his hair and patting his cheeks. Even though I was totally mortified I just laughed. Busted.

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    1. Middle State, I literally LOLed - I laughed loudly and suddenly enough when I read your comment that I elicited a startled, "HA" from the baby in response. That is too funny!!!

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  10. I tried - but Blogger ate my comment - and now I've lost the mojo. :(

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    1. Ak, I hate that, LceeL. Thanks for stopping by, though!

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  11. Your self portrait has the best. title. ever.

    I think you should submit it to some Serious Art Place right now.

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  12. Thanks, Tumbleweed! I was afraid the title might be too vague, but I think the Art Community will figure it out. :)

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