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Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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Thursday, February 2, 2012

Dear Gran

Zoe is a Sagittarius.  I absolutely loved this idea when I was pregnant and first realized her birthday was going to be in early December - not based on any factor involving astrology, which I know almost nothing about, but based solely on a series of skits from The State, an old show that used to be on MTV, which featured two semi-creepy 70's guys in smoking jackets who started their segments by introducing themselves in uber-smooth swingers' voices, "Hi.  I'm Levon."  "And I'm Barry - Sagittarius."


(Well, hello there, young Michael Ian Black and... you other guy).  I guess we didn't have that much going on entertainment-wise in the mid-90's, though Maddie seems disturbingly amused by this clip.


Anyhow, ever since then I've found Sagittarius to be far and away the most amusing astrological sign of the twelve, or however many there are, just because of the way Barry says it.  Marma recently pointed out that her mom was also a Sagittarius, and that Grandma Carol had once told her one of the qualities of a Sagittarian (Sagittarianite?  Sagitterrier?) is that they are... let's call it... direct.  Very direct.  Brutally honest.  With no verbal filter.  I've since looked it up and it's true, though they surely don't mean any offense by what comes flying out of their mouths.

I have to say, this description fits Zoe perfectly.  You never have to wonder how the child really feels, and she's not going to bother thinking about her opinion before she announces it, or sweet-talking her way around anything.  It doesn't really occur to her to back-track after she says something particularly blunt, because it doesn't register that she might need to.  At least she's honest, I guess.

So a few days ago we were coming inside the house after school, and out of nowhere she said, "Mommy, you're beautiful."

(Editor's note:  I did not pay her to say this.  However, I'd like to point out that she's a lot shorter than I am and can't really get a good look straight at me very often.  Also, I control whether or not she gets to eat dessert, so I have to wonder if that factored in to the sudden compliment at all.  I thanked her anyway.)

She continued, "And Maddie, you're adorable!"

"What am I, then?" Jake asked.

"You're handsome."

Then Gran inquired (rather bravely, I thought), "What about me?"

"You're wrinkled," was Zoe's candid assessment.

Luckily for her, Gran isn't easily offended.  She prefers that the kids feel comfortable enough with her to say whatever they want, rather than sugarcoat it or wait until later to say to each other, "Hey, is Gran wrinkled or what?"  Because of this, Zoe proclaims on a near-daily basis that Gran has a chicken neck, and has offered to give Gran fashion advice in such a way that makes it clear that Zoe considers her wardrobe to be a hot mess.  As a mother, it's difficult for me not to hiss, "Zoe," every time she says something like that, but I try to respect my mom's wishes and keep in mind that it doesn't bother her.

Later, the kids rode with my mom over to her house for a visit.  In the car, Zoe must have had a rare moment of reflection regarding what she'd said.  As usual she had a notepad with her, and my mom heard her in the back seat asking Jake how to spell "beautiful."  Jake spelled it, and Zoe worked diligently on crafting a note, which she passed to Gran in the driver's seat.

Ever the worrier, Jake exclaimed, "Don't read it while you're driving - I don't want to die!"  But Gran couldn't resist sneaking a peek at the note that Zoe clearly intended to make amends for her "wrinkled" comment.


On the bright side, saying you have a beautiful purse is high praise coming from a budding fashionista like Zoe.  I guess when you're dealing with a Saggitarian, maybe that's as close to an apology as you're gonna get.

I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing - and so I don't get all lonely. I get extra-pathetic when I'm lonely.


3 comments:

  1. You're absolutely right that I find Zoe's frankness charming. I have, however, made an appointment with my estate lawyer to make some adjustments.

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  2. Lol. She cracks me up! Gran- your wrinkled:) I love her outrighteneous! She is just too cute! Thanks for linking up. I look forward to reading more in the future!

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  3. Ha! That is so sweet! She found something nice to say, even if it was about Gran's purse. I love it! So glad you linked up with us at #findingthefunny!

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