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Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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More Entertainment For the Grammar Snob

Just when you're wondering if there will be anything good to make fun of in the New Year, the mailman delivers another advertising booklet.

Several weeks ago, I shared some of the (I  think) humorous grammar mistakes from these ads, and although I thought the latest issue might just repeat the same ones, it did not disappoint.  Let's just jump right in, shall we?


Again with the unnecessary quotation marks.  Sigh.  I am, however, glad to hear that there's no charge for winter this year.  And because I'm feeling generous, I'll give them half a point back for their marvelous use of stock photos: Serious Guy Gazing at Engine, and Diagonally Leaning Oil Change Guy With Uneasy Smile.


Here's an example of when you should have paid the extra fee for punctuation marks in your ad.  I mean, how much could a few commas cost?  Because if I run into two tons of free pellets, I don't think I'm going to try to tell them they can't use multiple offers if they want to.  And if the offer for FREE Heating expires 1/31/12 with the coupon, when does it expire if I don't  use the coupon?


This one just confuses me.  Do I get a discount on a sandwich, or are you cutting half of my sandwich off?  And if you're specifying that I can get $2.00 off a whole sandwich, how much of the sandwich were you referring to in the other offers?  Now my head hurts.


No, YOU'RE a Power Stroke Specialist.  One more time, advertisers: "you're" means "you are."  So don't call me a Turbocharger.  What I don't understand is that they used the right one directly above that, so I'm not sure why they switched.  Of course I'm also not sure why they seem to be offering to provide problems with my diesel (Here's a tip: if you're asking me if I have problems, you might want to toss in a question mark.  And the answer is yes, I do have problems.  But not with my diesel.)


Just... no.


Do you remember the Does Your Basement Windows Leak guy from the last post?  Well, not only did he not correct his ad (apparently he doesn't read my blog), but now he has a new neighbor in the classifieds, the Does Your Tile and Grout Look Dingy guy.  Yes they does, thanks for asking.  At least they used question marks, I guess.


Excellent, this is the first step toward marketing your business successfully: know your demographic.  Trying to attract only live  people is a great way to narrow down your customer base, plus it lets those pesky zombies know that they aren't welcome at your establishment.


Is he the "dream builder," or isn't he?  I swear, I'm going to call up the publishers of this booklet and beg them to charge $100 apiece for quotation marks, so people will at least consider  not using them so much.  I would also like this fella to consider not serving me the customer, as that sounds a little too cannibalistic for my taste (no pun intended).  Maybe he can trade in the quotes for a comma.


This is a one-stop shop for all of your gun buying, trading, and salesing needs.


Now accepting new client's what?  Oh, he meant "clients," plural.  Maybe it's this guy's fault there are so many punctuation issues in the other ads, since he's needlessly hogging up extra apostrophes that the other people could have used as commas.  I'll point that out to him when I give him a jingle, which I was going to do anyway to ask him what exactly is going to happen in August 2012 that's going to make his two locations expire.



Okay, I can't honestly say that there are a ton of grammar errors in these ads (except that "childs" and "mens" aren't even words, unless someone got rid of the word "children" and invented double-plurals without telling me), but I'm objecting to them nonetheless based on the simple fact that these services exist.  EAR CANDELING?  Really?  (And if you must advertise this, it's spelled "candling."  And it's stupid.  And is described by medical researchers as "both dangerous and ineffective."  But at least you can get it in a package deal with a facial, which you'll need for treatment of the scar tissue caused by the third degree wax burns on the side of your head.)  The day I go to the spa for this, or to get my eyelashes dyed and permed, someone please have me committed to the nearest mental institution.  But first, let's swing by this place and let them know we don't want 3-D Lash Extensions, but we would like to know what 2-D Lash Extensions would look like.  I do like the idea of wrinkle filler, though - not because I care if I have wrinkles, but because the idea of face spackle makes me laugh.

And now for my favorite ad in this booklet:



So.  much.  material.  I'll start at the top and work my way down...  First, I'm going to go out on a limb and say the quotes around "Healthier Coffee" are probably correct, since in all likelihood it probably isn't healthier coffee.  But I would LOVE to know how you've infused it with "The King of Herbs" (speaking of the King of Herbs, on a rather surprising side note the Medical Marijuanna folks from the last post get the award for being the ONLY ones who corrected their ad - so kudos to you for filtering your ad through someone who hadn't yet taken their "prescription," and congrats on your recent release from federal prison).  Anyway, this herbal coffee must be delicious, because the guy on the far left appears to be guzzling straight from the carafe.  Then we come to their Punctuation Meltdown.  We have another case of a business owner who doesn't read this blog (for shame!), or they'd know they need to cut back on the exclamation points (unless you've overdosed on caffeine, in which case you probably can't help it).  Also, "What regular coffee does" and "What our coffee does" are not questions, but if they are, they're two very poorly phrased questions.  And finally, don't forget to clip the coupon, on which they were so careful to use the correct forms of "it's" and "your," but then ruined their efforts by using entirely the wrong word at the end. Oops.

Tune in next time for more advertising blunders, which I can say with confidence, certain that there will  be more, because this mailer has reinforced my faith in people's stupidity.  Or laziness.  Or over-reliance on spell check (whatever the cause is).  So keep your eyes open for that post - or don't.  It's your choose.

I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing!


1 comment:

  1. You must have inherited your language snobbishness (notice how I refrained from putting quotation marks around that?). So please do me a favor. When you call the guy looking for new cleints make him repeat 100 times "i before e except after c" Thank you. Looks like aq good deal on permanent makeup in the next ad though.

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