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Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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Thursday, December 15, 2011

An Open Letter to Mars Incorporated

Dear Mars Inc.,

I want you to know, first of all, that I adore all of your chocolatey products.  I mean, Twix - are you kidding me? What's not to like about a cookie slathered in caramel that's wrapped in a candy bar?

One size fits all!

However, I do have a few minor complaints about your Dove Promises. I'm a little bit tired of your TV ads trying to convince me that, although I have flaws, eating your chocolate isn't one of them. I beg to differ; you've never seen me alone in a room with a bag of your candy.

In the commercial, some razor-thin model delicately unwraps a single Dove chocolate, and I swear that even though the individual treat is only 3/4" square, it takes her roughly 127 bites to consume the whole thing. Conversely, in real life it takes me one  bite to eat 127 chocolates. If you don't think that's a flaw, then you haven't seen my blood work.


I could also do without the platitudes you print on the inside of the empty wrappers in an attempt to inspire me, or maybe just to lift my spirits enough to prevent me from spiraling into a 352-fat-gram-induced depression.



There isn't a single one that does anything other than remind me that I'm scarfing fistfuls of chocolate faster than I can read, and that nothing can stop me short of blacking out in a cocoa coma. Telling me to "Take time for yourself today" only calls attention to the fact that I already have taken time for myself, as well as a significant portion of the family budget, and devoted it to an in-depth study of the effect of Dove on my lack of will power. When you encourage me via wrapper-isms to "Seek out small pleasures," it only serves to underscore the fact that I'm already in the process of seeking out roughly 42 "small pleasures." The worst one might be "Break the mold;" if by "the mold" you mean "the top button on your pants," then mission accomplished.

All I ask is that you put more honest, realistic messages in your wrappers so that I at least don't feel condescended to while I'm inhaling your chocolatey goodness. If you're having trouble with it, here are some ideas to get you started:
  • If you've lost count, it's time to stop.
  • How about you finish chewing the last one before you pop this one in your mouth?
  • Remember, God is watching.
  • The creaking you hear is coming from the floorboards beneath you.
  • Shall I call Jerry Springer to have him fork-lift you out of the house now?
  • Pause.  Breathe.  Consider the possibility of stopping at half a bag.
  • Are you even tasting these anymore?
  • The love you feel for chocolate is unrequited.
Thanks a bunch.  Sincerely,
Chocoholic

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2 comments:

  1. Let's see if my damn iPad will let me finally comment on this brilliant post.

    Uh, I found this post brilliant.

    That is all.

    ReplyDelete
  2. logyexpress, I think your comment is brilliant! Maybe because in it, you both complimented my post and badmouthed an Apple product. I love both those things.

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for commenting - you're awesome! I mean, even if you're a jerk, at least it means you read my blog. RIGHT?!?