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Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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Happy New Year

It's already the last day of 2011.   I mean, it's already the last day of 2011‽‽‽‽‽


I forget to make any resolutions, so think of all the time I'm going to save in 2012 by not trying to achieve anything!  I can use that extra time for failing to meet different goals, ones I didn't set for myself in advance because of some arbitrary calendar date.  Besides, everyone always makes the same resolutions anyhow.



So instead of lying to myself about how THIS TIME I'd really use that gym membership to get in shape (pinkie promise), instead I'm going to focus my energy on sending off 2011 with a bang.  In case you don't know how to "Party Like It's 1999"* when you're trapped in the house by your Parenting Responsibilities, I've outlined my plans below.  If you, too, are staying home this year - whether it's because you don't feel like being hauled off by Child Protective Services for neglect, because you have a distaste for being in public when 83% of the population will be in an endless drunken "I love you, man" loop, or because you're just an antisocial hermit - please feel free to play along at home.

Having Fun on New Year's Eve (Housebound Edition)

1. Start corralling the children at 8pm.  Set all visible clocks to midnight and pretend to ring in the new year.  Encourage them to sip a champagne flute of NyQuil while congratulating them for staying up so late.  Drag them to bed, kicking and screaming if you have to, by 8:30.  Kiss them sweetly goodnight.

2. Pour yourself a NyQuil, or other beverage of your choosing.  Flip on the TV and play the following drinking game:
  • One drink for every Joan Rivers sighting (you'll need it)
  • Two drinks for each Dick Clark appearance (Throughout the evening you might want to check in repeatedly at this website, which is dedicated to keeping track of whether or not Dick Clark is still alive.  Because apparently sometimes it's hard to tell.)
  • One drink each time someone mentions Prince's song 1999  (*my comment above doesn't count); two drinks if they say something about how 1999 used to sound like it was "sooooo far in the future"
  • If someone in the room can name the obscure musical group performing at what appears to be The Low Budget New Year's Eve Open Mic Night Show, one drink for anyone who was unaware that what they were supposed to be doing was actually considered singing; 84 penalty drinks are imposed on anyone who enjoys a performance by any singer under the age of 16

3. At this point, one of the children will get out of bed to say goodnight again, and maybe see if they can have a drink of water.  One adult administers the the Anti-Bed-Wetting speech and takes the child back to bed, applying duct tape if needed.  Another adult is responsible for using that time to prepare a fresh pitcher of NyQuil.

4. Return to game.  After about 15 minutes, one adult leaves to use the bathroom; meanwhile, Robyn the other adult realizes that it's already 10:30, immediately gets drowsy and falls asleep.

5. Wake up the next morning, finally able to say:


I can hardly wait to get started.  Thanks to everyone who has joined me for this whole blog experiment so far; hopefully you've had a few laughs, and hopefully I can keep them coming in 2012!

I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing - and so I don't get all lonely. I get extra-pathetic when I'm lonely.


3 comments:

  1. 0 comments??? Inconceivable!! I have just recently learned of the trick of setting your clocks to midnight to deceive the children...I am going to try it next year, just cause I really have not had the opportunity to drive home the "lying" lesson! :) Also? I HATE Joan Rivers!! I didn't get a chance to read much last night and now I am going home, but beware...I WILL!! Muahahahaha!!! <3 Devan

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    1. When I get done with you, you will have no posts with 0 comments again. LOL, oh gods you're gonna be sick of me!

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    2. Sick of you??? NEVER! There are pleeeeenty of posts with 0 comments to choose from, btw. No one was reading my blog for about the first whole year I was writing. ;)

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