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Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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Phone Home

For months (years?) Gerry and I have been meaning to combine our cell phone plans.   Unfortunately, it's the kind of thing you think about only when it's really inconvenient, like at 2 AM when you're in your pajamas paying your bills online and you realize, "Oh yeah, we could save a bunch of money if we combined these two stupid accounts."   But I checked, and the cell phone place isn't open at 2 AM.  And let's face it, it's a subject we avoid because our plans are in two different "coverage areas" (that's cell phone company talk for "imaginary geographical lines that don't mean anything other than they allow us to charge you a huge fee for moving your cell phone plan") so one of us  was going to have to change our phone number. Until this weekend, I've pretty much been in denial that the person to change their number would be me, even though the alternative would be the three people already on the other plan to switch.  Not very practical.   So yesterday was The Big Day.

I'll start by admitting that I've spent my fair share of time expounding on why smartphones are totally unnecessary.   Now, before you phone-fans all freak out on me, I'm not saying they aren't handy  - I'm sure it's nice to be able to identify the nearest Thai restaurant no matter where you are on the globe - though to date I've never heard of anyone starving to death because their Zagat app was on the fritz, which is why you can't argue that they're necessary.   Some people act like they're unable to function as human beings without their phones these days.  NEWS FLASH: the world will not end if you can't find out who won season 2 of Dancing With the Stars while you're stuck at a red light.  Yet it's never enough - there's always a newer, brighter, shinier phone out there, one that makes waffles and sorts your loose change and has a voice command that gives your enemies a bad haircut.  And it always got released ten minutes after the current phone (now considered garbage) was purchased.


Also, I believe Gerry and I are fairly typical in the sense that he cares about having the newest technology and the most fun electronic toys, whereas I just want a phone that rings when people call me.  And frankly, most of the time I could take or leave that; there's a little too much connectivity these days for my taste.  I don't need to be constantly available for my bank to call me while I'm shopping at Target to ask me if I'd like to take advantage of their new savings account rates.


In any case, you should have seen him and the Cell Phone Store Lady attempting to sell me on the latest, greatest phones - she actually tried to use a front-facing camera as a selling point, effusing that it would enable me to have video chats.  Can you imagine???  Video chatting is my worst nightmare, which she would have known if she'd been paying attention to my sloppy sweatshirt and barely-combed hair.  After I finished laughing, I gestured broadly at myself and said, "Ma'am, this is me gussied up  to leave the house.  I'm a stay-at-home mom; no one wants to see what this usually  looks like."  She continued, undaunted, rattling off features like how easy it will be to talk hands-free while I'm cleaning the house (Gerry's turn to laugh).  Gerry, bless his soul, did his best to steer her back in the right direction, saying he just wants me to be happy because otherwise he'll have to hear about it for two years until I'm eligible for my next phone upgrade (smart man) and pointing out features I care about, like camera quality and cute ring tones.  I continued to make snide comments.


However, despite my snarkiness, I kept gravitating back toward a certain phone.  "Hmmm, this touch screen is  pretty cool.  And I could always get a protective cover to keep it from getting impaled on my keys in the bottom of the diaper bag..."  By the time I'd picked out a pretty green cover and given it a name (Lucille), I was hooked.  Maddie woke up, realized we were in a store FILLED WITH DELICIOUS PHONES, and she thought she was in heaven.  She also liked my new gadget.


So, I take back pretty much everything I said about smartphones.  I suspect they coat each one with a thin film of crack, because so far I've been unable to put mine down.  My only complaint is that I managed to drain the battery yesterday with all my calendar updating and texting Gerry forty times even though we were in the same room, and the charging cord is so short that Gerry had to rig an extension cord up so I could stay on the couch with my face glued to the touch screen while my phone gassed back up.


Pretty pathetic.  And I think my obsession may be rubbing off on the baby; she looks almost as excited about it as I am.  That is to say, a little too  excited.


So I've been brainwashed.  Big deal.  So what if I become unable to have a conversation with another person without Googling everything I hear to verify its accuracy?  So what if I get addicted to Angry Birds and can't manage to stop playing long enough to watch my kids graduate from high school?  So what if my short term memory atrophies because everything I might need to remember ("note to self: milk is in the fridge") is typed into an electronic, handheld notepad?  So what if the only reason I have time for blogging today is because my phone is busy downloading apps?  I tried to tell you they were evil.

I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing!


2 comments:

  1. I laughed out loud at the picture of Maddie watching you play Angry Birds. That was priceless. Someone should give you a book deal.

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  2. No doubt, I don't see what the h is taking so long! :) But they should give the book deal to Maddie; she's obviously the brains of the operation.

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