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Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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Thursday, November 17, 2011

Houston, we have a problem



First off, let me tell you from the get-go that you need to prepare to lower your standards today. That is, assuming you have standards, and that they're in any way elevated.

“I have my standards. They're low, but I have them.” 
― Bette Midler

That's because I'm sick today, and being a relatively big baby about it - a much bigger baby than the actual baby, who is also sick. She's in a great mood though, especially considering the only real option she has for eating requires that she breathe through her nose, and right now her nose sounds like it's full of vegetable oil and gravel. I can't say what state of mind I'd be in if I couldn't eat. That was the first sign yesterday that I was coming down with something - wild, unstoppable, Tasmanian-devil style hunger. "I'll huff, and I'll puff, and... oops, I ate your house" kind of hunger. I can only guess that my body thinks it's going to need a lot of calories to wage a full-scale war against the invading germs.


Since Maddie's not feeling well, she's suddenly a huge mama's girl. So last night when she woke up (every five minutes) Gerry would gallantly get up with her, only to have to bring her back due to her inconsolable "mamamama"-ing. She's lucky she's so dang cute.


Meanwhile, I was trying to sleep through the part of this illness where it felt like I was swallowing sandpaper and vegetable peelers. My lack of success with the whole sleeping thing is the excuse I'm using for my stunted sense of humor, and thus your need to lower your standards. I'll be really curious to re-read this post later - I have such an acute case of Medicine Head from all the cold meds I've taken, that I wouldn't be terribly surprised to find out in the morning that this whole entry is complete nonsense, typed entirely in some dingbat font or the written version of Charlie Brown's teacher talking. If that's the case, my sincere apologies.  Please join the program again tomorrow, when I can only hope that we will no longer be leaking fluids from our faces or gargling quarts of Chloraseptic.

PRO TIP: If you hate being sick as much as I do, you want to get back to guzzling wine and yelling at the kids as quickly as possible. It's hard to do either of those things when your throat hurts, so I'm going to share my fail-safe remedy - use this when you start to feel yourself coming down with a case of the Icks, and you'll be a lot more likely to stay on your feet. Last year I found out my friend Leslie at The Bearded Iris uses this trick, too, so I know it isn't just my imagination.

8 ounces hot water
1 tablespoon apple cider vinegar
1 tablespoon honey*

*Note: Don't give honey to kids under two. Botulism's no joke, y'all!

Mix it up, and drink it while it's hot! You can also check out Leslie's version, which involves cold water and cayenne pepper - plus she provides a fancy explanation for why it works (SCIENCE!). To your health!

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I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing - and so I don't get all lonely. I get extra-pathetic when I'm lonely.


7 comments:

  1. This is freakin hilarious! Okay, so I'm a couple of days behind reading posts because - I was sick & didn't even feel like reading, so kudos to you for writing at all. I think that "swallowing sandpaper and vegetable peelers" is the best descriptive phrase EVER! I'm going to adopt it for future illnesses.

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  2. I swear by the apple cider vinegar and honey! A little lemon helps too. I usually do that and gargle with warm salt water when I feel it coming on and only have a mild cold. And then there's the idea that if I got sick this whole operation would grind to a halt (would they surprise me?) and that I probably wouldn't get to rest anyway...

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    1. With our magical remedy, let's hope we never have to find out! ;) Thanks for reading and commenting, Keesha!

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  3. How appropriate. I'm actually IN Houston for work and although I thought it was an adverse reaction to a tetanus shot, now I'm pretty sure I have the mild flu. No stomach stuff, knock on wood, but my nose is running, I'm coughing, I have the worst headache ever and feel like I've been bodyslammed by an elephant. Fun times!

    If you could send over some hot toddy mixture, it would be greatly appreciated. Whine done. Get well soon ;)

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    1. You take care of yourself - the flu is terrible this year, and traveling is so hard on your system (or on mine, anyway - I know my system likes to stay home on my own couch, but I think our systems are similar that way). :)

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  4. Just finished the flu here, but I think now hubby is getting it. First thing I thought while reading the ingredients, was I don't have apple cider vinegar or honey and the tap takes FOREVER to warm up, crapiddy! Of course I get what you meant but with 2 weeks of flu just behind me and almost no sleep during that time, it just seemed like lots of work, lol. I'll get hubby to the store to get the stuff for himself ;)

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    1. For sure, tell the hubs that collecting the ingredients himself is somehow all part of the cure! ;) Glad to hear you're on the mend, though - two weeks of flu is a loooooong time!

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