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Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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Morning Glories

Here was the first hour or so of my day yesterday (try not to be jealous):

I needed to throw something away in the kitchen, so I tossed it in the can. Realized too late that there was no trash bag in the can.

Fished garbage back out of can. Gross. Retrieved new trash bag.

Took 5 minutes trying to open trash bag, but the two sides of plastic refused to come unstuck from each other. Why. Won't. You. OPEN?!?! Realized I was holding the bag upside-down.


Started making coffee.  The scoop struck something suspiciously solid buried in the can of ground coffee. I froze in horror, thinking of stories I've heard about cockroach parts in coffee, wondering about the possibility of finding a whole cockroach.


I mustered all my courage and dug out the solid object using the scoop. Discovered a stupid coupon. Hoped it was a coupon for a free ER visit, since that's where I was headed due to minor imaginary-cockroach-induced heart attack.

Glanced out the window at across-the-street neighbor's gigantic pile of trash, which has been there for the better part of a week. Realized it is finally trash day, and decided to take a photo of the pile for posterity in case the garbage truck actually hauls all that stuff away, which is doubtful.

Went to get the camera, which wasn't where I left it. Finally located camera - on its tripod. Uh-oh. This means possible new photos of me sleeping. Checked camera memory... suspicions confirmed. Photo of me is SO bad it can't be blogged, for fear North Korea will use it as a weapon of mass destruction.  In fact, since there is only one photo and not Gerry's trademark series of 15 photos, I can only assume that he took the first picture, looked at it, and was immediately knocked unconscious for the rest of the night by the sheer monstrosity of what he'd created.

Outside in my bare feet with the camera, I noticed how beautiful the trees looked with their new autumn colors back-lit by bright morning sunshine and blue sky. Snapped photo. Scurried back into the house like a frightened bunny as the neighbor backed out of her driveway, probably wondering why crazy lady next door is in the front yard wearing PJs and taking pictures.

Uploaded the would-be gorgeous picture of leaves, only to be reminded that we live in suburbia, where there is no chance of getting a photograph of nature's beauty without dumb telephone lines in the way.

Then I realized I didn't take a pic of the trash heap. Realized that's a stupid thing to realize, but decided I still wanted the picture anyway.

Back downstairs, I found a tissue in the hallway, used & presumed snotty.  I thought I'd be quick & toss it in the nearby bathroom trash without turning on the light. Dropped the snotty tissue behind the trash can, couldn't find it and had to turn on the light anyway.  Tried to reach the light switch while still keeping my foot on the lever that keeps the trash can lid open. Pulled a muscle trying to stretch across the room. Made mental note to start doing yoga again.


Back on my mission, I tried to take a photo of the trash heap from inside the house to avoid being seen publicly photographing garbage, but the window was too dirty.  What a surprise.  I opened the front door, but another dang telephone pole was blocking the shot.  I reluctantly stepped onto the front porch and hastily snapped a photo.  A CAR IS COMING!!!!  Ducked back into the house.

Not only was I too late to avoid being seen by the driver, but the driver was Gerry coming back home because he forgot something.  Of course he asked what I was doing on the front porch, and I had to sheepishly admit I was planning to blog about the neighbor's trash.

10 minutes later when he was finished laughing about that, I went upstairs to upload the photo.


Now, wasn't that worth all the trouble?  And, for the record, this photo was taken after about 40% of the junk had already been carted off by scavengers, some breed of human/raccoon hybrid (Raccumans?  Humoons?) that creeps in at night and rifles through everyone's trash piles for some "perfectly good" trash.  I live in fear that one day I'll go to someone's house, maybe to drop off one of the kids for a play date with a new pal, and discover their living room is populated with the missing recliner and fold-away bed that once huddled on this very curb.  In the rain.  For a week.

And also for the record, the garbage truck did pick up their trash can and take it away.  The rest of the stuff is still there.  So anyone who needs a perfectly good couch or mattress, you'd better hurry on over before the raccumans come back for them.


I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing!


3 comments:

  1. You made me lol. And a raccuman is what I look like when I sleep in non-waterproof mascara.

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  2. This is hilarious!! Raccuman is definitely the correct usage of that co-word creation. I am in love with that yoga picture!! It made me snort! I hate when I feel something solid in the coffee grounds, but I never think of a cockroach, before now. :/ <3D

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    Replies
    1. You're welcome for that mental image. ;)

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